I have just been through one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking years of my life.  I won’t go into all the details right now, that is best left for another post. Suffice it to say, my entire world crumbled around me and I was left sitting in the rubble and dust wondering how the hell this happened. What the heck are you supposed to do in these situations? Well you stand up even if that means hanging on to a friend’s arm or leg. Come on we all have at least one friend that will be there for us. Luckily for me I have a number of them, so I didn’t lean on any one of them too long because I didn’t want them to run away screaming. Well, one friend did but I had to give her props for waiting until she got to the end of the driveway. Okay, focus Donna. So you stand up with help if you need it and you brush some of the dust off and step out of the rubble so you can look back and see the messy remains of what was your life. Well, I stepped out of the pile of rubble but I kept going back to it and sifting through it to see what I could save. Yes, I know, not the smartest move. Bad idea, no sifting, got it. Bad idea number two was thinking I had done something wrong that caused this and beating myself up for something I had no control over. I have no control, got it. The third thing that happened was I was overcome by a paralyzing fear that I would never be happy again. I knew at some point I might smile again, but I would never be as happy as I was. Well I was wrong. Not only am I happy, I am almost delirious with it today. I love being wrong!

 

Today I fell in love with uncertainty and possibilities. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I have my smile back and it is bigger and brighter than it has ever been. Why you ask?  Well, every belief I had about life, who I was, and how things should be was challenged, put to the test and tossed the hell out. Yup, I woke up and decided that I didn’t care what anyone thought, or what people deemed appropriate behavior for a grieving widow. Let me tell you every person I ran into had an opinion on what I should do and how I should do it and I told them in a very ladylike way, thanks for sharing but please fuck off. There’s no need to be rude so don’t forget to say please and thank you! Those words represented a rebellion that was so strong I thought I would explode. But, I didn’t. Those words helped me stand up straighter and gave me the courage to voice my needs, wants, fears and desires without apology. Powerful little words!  So my advice to you when you find your life in ruins and you run into people, who mean well but don’t have a clue what it is like to be you, say thanks for sharing but please fuck off. Say it like you mean it and go out there and build yourself a new life on a new belief system. Do it so well that your neighbours avoid you in the grocery store and then laugh your ass off when they scurry around the store trying to stay out of your way. If you walk really fast down the aisles they almost run, it is hilarious. Don’t get upset with them, there is no point. They are just trying to avoid the pain and discomfort of their own lives and being around you shoves it in their faces.

 

Be brave, be kind, be

Donna