It is 5 am and I am curled up in my chair.  My favourite yellow mug is full of coffee, the fire is going and the thinking has begun.  Not quite sure why I like to write so early in the morning, but for now I will work with that.  I was just thinking about honesty.  Mainly because I have signed up with an online dating site or two and everyone puts that as one of their must haves when it comes to the person they are looking for.  Top two things people are looking for in a relationship on-line are honesty and a sense of humour.  I think honest people must have a great sense of humour just to deal with being honest and people’s responses to it.  I have been told I am a little too honest, if there can be such a thing.  I think what people really mean is that they don’t like what I have to say.  You want my honest opinion on something?  Okay, but now this is where the problems start.  I have trouble wrapping it in a fancy package and making it all pretty with bows and shiny things. I have tried to filter my words but that doesn’t work so well because if my mouth doesn’t give me away my facial expression does.

Now I’m not mean about it, unless the other person is trying to push their own agenda, I have no patience for people who have to be right and think their way of living is the only way. I repeat the words wow and really a lot while I listen to them!  For example: I had someone say to me that they were shocked that such a spiritual person as myself would eat meat.  Now to make it clear, this was not the only thing they critiqued about me that didn’t fit within their belief system. So I looked at them and said “my food poops on your food!”  Not the classiest thing to say, I will admit.  However, I had enough for one day from the self righteous human being standing before me.   You want to swing naked from a tree in your backyard I will cheer you on, you want to be a vegan that’s great!  I eat lots of vegetarian dishes and love food but I don’t try to force my diet, spiritual beliefs or any other belief for that matter on anyone else.

Let me backtrack to the online dating. Some people were shocked that I would want to date so soon after Howard passed away.  I don’t have the energy to defend every one of my choices.  Most of the time I am happy to just let people think what they want.  They are going to anyway regardless of what I say.  However, I do explain my reasoning just to put forth the idea that people need to do things in a way and time that is right for them and if I think I am ready to date then I am ready.  Some people were horrified but only the ones who don’t know me well. My family and close friends all cheered me on and said good for you!!!  I even talked to one friend, jokingly of course, about setting me up with her father. Then we spent an hour laughing about me becoming her stepmother. I just know that some day, when I least expect it, she will call me Mom in public to try and embarrass me. Wait till she hears the response I have planned!

Did you know that a lot of people think you should wait a year after someone’s death to make any major decisions or lifestyle changes?  Howard did you hear that?  I know he would be laughing and shaking his head.  I met Howard through an on-line dating service less than two months after his first wife passed away. We dated for 3 weeks and moved in together the week after that! People were shocked, judgemental and opinionated.  They were also very willing to share their thoughts.  If you have read any of my other posts you know what I was thinking, thank you for sharing but please fuck off.  We did not care what they thought and spent the next 11 years laughing.  Besides, what the hell am I supposed to do for a whole year?  Life is short and I don’t have a year to sit around waiting to make decisions.

Okay, back to honesty.  I think a lot of people who say they want you to be honest really want you to tell them something that agrees with what they believe to be the “truth.”  People want the nice packaging with all the frills.  I have realized that I need to be more gentle when voicing my honest opinion and keep my opinions to myself unless they are asked for when it comes to anyone else’s life.  My baby sister just yelled bullshit to that!

I have spent some time with someone that I met on-line and he has access to these posts if he so chooses.  That is up to him.  I have also started to get to know someone else who lives too far away to meet in person at the moment.  He can also access these posts if he chooses to.  Again, entirely up to him.  I am an open book and I figure if one of them still wants to spend time with me or get to know me better after reading my blog and Facebook posts that is wonderful and brave and makes my heart melt a little!  I have no expectations of any kind. They are getting a glimpse of Donna live and unfiltered which is the only way I know how to be.  I do, however, want and need a significant someone in my life who has the courage to be vulnerable and love me with their heart wide open.  Honestly, that is all I have ever really wanted from anyone.  To hell with fancy packages, just show me what is inside.

Hug people and animals and trees! Oh yes, please don’t kill spiders!

Love ya,Donna