I turned the television on last night around nine o’clock and turned it off after ten minutes. I had no interest in anything they offered on any of the two hundred plus channels and spent the entire 10 minutes scrolling through the channel guide. So then I picked up a book and just could not get interested in that either. Maybe because it was fiction and I am focusing on what is real and alive, maybe not. You have to understand that books have been my candy since my mother taught me to read. If Mom offered me a choice of chocolate ( which I happen to love) or a book, I would pick the book every time. A chocolate bar would be gone and happily settled in my stomach within 2 minutes but a book would transport me to another world for a few hours. I love books! I like their weight and shape, the smell of a new book and the texture of the pages. Yes, I am the person you see fanning the pages and smelling the books in the store! I am just a wee bit odd. I even thought about having a square of caramel covered in dark chocolate with a sprinkle of sea salt. Then I remembered that my 53 year old body would not sleep if I ate it that late at night. No coffee, chocolate, or other stimulants after 4pm and no food after 7pm. If I eat anything after 7 pm I have nightmares, jeez nightmares are for kids!
Apparently what I am interested in is sitting at the computer and writing about feelings, life, heartache, joy and other shit. Well, my life has not turned out the way I expected. I thought I would be married with a few grown children who would bless me with grandchildren and grow old, safe in the bosom of my family. No, instead I am sitting here by myself in a house that seems too big and empty, pouring my heart out to strangers that most likely will remain strangers. Oh, don’t feel bad for me. I am not unhappy or lonely. I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I have at any other point in my life. I just never expected to be alone when I arrived here.
I am beginning to suspect that once I turned 50 some parts of me started getting younger while physically I am aging. Like a child I go to bed early and get up really early. Sugar and caffeine make me jittery. I say what I want and do what I want. I spend most of my time playing. I take naps in the afternoon. I have to make bathroom stops frequently. My attention span is shorter. I get distracted easily, oh look a squirrel! I have no concept of time and am shocked when I look at the clock and realize it is time for bed. My skin is getting softer. I like simple food. I cry more and laugh more too. The thing I have always wanted to try that children can get away with is having a temper tantrum in the middle of the bank. Scream this line up is too long and the service sucks while I stamp my feet and cry loud enough to make people cover their ears. That would be hilarious! I posted a quote on Facebook this morning by Brendon Burchard that says, “I would rather be a hot mess of bold action, a make-it happen-learn-on-the-fly kind of person than a perfectly organized coward.” Now, I have no idea who this man is but I liked what he said. I don’t for a minute think that all organized people are cowards, just anal control freaks.
Let me tell you a secret, it’s not much of a secret anymore but what the hell. Some people would say (and they have, right to my face) I seem like an organized person who has their shit together. This usually makes me laugh because I am not organized and have lived my entire life figuring things out as I go. I started a business because I couldn’t find a bag I liked to carry my yoga mat in. I had no intention of starting a business and the next thing I know I am ordering stock for a store and creating a website. What I didn’t know was that the universe was setting me up. Yup, it set me up! Me having that store introduced me to hundreds perhaps thousands of people over the five years and a number of them have become my closest friends. I started a business and found my tribe, the people who would be with me through some of the best and worst times of my life. The people who love me and help me celebrate the weird and wonderful woman I have become. I never did find that bag!
So to all you efficient and organized people out there. Let your hair down, leave the dishes in the sink (they will still be there when you get home) go outside and meander aimlessly and let the universe lead you by your heart down the rabbit hole even if it is just for a day. You may be surprised by what you will find. I am glad that I have the ability to leap into the unknown with my eyes wide open and a huge woohoo from my soul. Some of the best moments in my life have come from that, some of the best people too. I have no idea how to get this font back to the original size, sorry.
Be brave and leap but don’t be stupid. Stupid ends up on with a cameo appearance on television or youtube.
Love you all, Donna