I am sitting here in the dark typing and listening to Hozier’s album at a volume level I have not reached for in years! Times they are a changing. I cannot count the number of things that have changed outside of and inside of me, all I can tell you is I do not feel like the same person. I no longer just see the world and people, I feel the world and people through new eyes and a new heart. I know I use that word heart a lot when I write but I happen to think it is a most important part of us and living from your heart has much different results than living from your head. It seems to work that way for me. My mind, when I am all alone, can be a dark and scary place. It is full of insecurities, drama, what ifs, should haves, assorted lies and untruths and can come up with movie worthy disaster scenes for my life. What about yours is it all light and positive in there? I do know that some people always seem to be positive and see the good things , but I think they have either been born that way ( lucky buggers) or have learned to live from their heart. Anyone can do it, it just takes practice.
Sometimes I think our minds always try to see the differences between us and our hearts see the similarities. When I have interactions with other people holy cow does my mind like to dance around, at least it used to. Now it only does it when I am extremely uncomfortable or out of my comfort zone as they say. I’m working on it! When I can focus on the person in front of me, get my mind to quiet down, I notice I can hear what they are trying to say and also what they are not saying as well as many other subtle little things. My mind want wants to think about what I am going to say in response, does this person like me, wow I didn’t realize that he had such big ears etc etc. My heart just hears and does not dance around from feeling to feeling. It is caught up in the moment and experiencing the other person. I feel them and their words!
Now, I am at a point where I am venturing out into the dating world. The landscape is unfamiliar and I am definitely out of my comfort zone. You guessed it, mind racing along. Breathe, Donna, just breathe. It is hard to put myself out there. Despite the fact that I share some very personal feelings and circumstances with you, I am not so willing to be that vulnerable on a date. What has been very interesting for me is people having access to my writing sometimes before they have met me in person. This gives them a certain advantage don’t you think? I am not paranoid in any way shape or form, but I am cautious. A woman has to be careful out there. So they have access to my writing and I am going in blind. Why did I do this? I’m not quite sure. However, how they respond to it tells me a lot about them in the end. Some people have backed off, others have opened up and shared some of themselves with me. That’s okay, I am not the right person for everyone but I am the person for the right one. Communication is key to a relationship of any kind and one of the most important methods we use to get to know one another. I realize that I scare some people off and that’s okay too because if they can’t handle it I would like to be privy to that information sooner rather than later.
I posted the following quote on Facebook yesterday, ” I don’t want to be the other half of your soul. I want to be the one who reminds you that you’re already whole.” GS. I have no idea who GS is but I think those are wise words. I want that for you and I want that for myself as well. Remind me that I am enough, just as I am. Tomorrow I get to see someone who is travelling a long distance just to meet me. He heard me! He is making an effort and going out of his way and I truly appreciate that. We know there are no guarantees but damn you have to take some risks. I am not the only one taking all the risks and putting in all the effort. He has read my posts and from our conversations and his actions has read between the lines and picked up on a few things that others may have missed. Challenge accepted! I will keep you posted and yes I am sure he knew to expect that as well. If not, he does now lol.
Don’t forget to hug people
Hug yourself too!