Vaginal Angst

My idea of the perfect relationship at this point in my life sounds something like this. I have my own home, they have their own home and we can each have toiletries and a few changes of clothing at each other’s homes. I want to have my own space and I also want to have a full on mind and heart filled relationship. I don’t think that is too much to ask for, do you? At this point I don’t want to live in the same house with anyone day in and day out. Hell, I don’t even think we need to live in the same city. Travel with them sure, spend lots of time together that is great, them getting to have a say in every choice I make, I am not so sure about that. I am open to changing my mind about it however.

I had a friend stop by for coffee today and he had his seventy something father with him. Both are sweet gentlemen that are not afraid of conversation with an outspoken female who talks about anything but the weather. We are all single and had a wonderful conversation about relationships. When I told them what my idea was the father piped up and said “right on, that is exactly what I am doing.” I almost fell out of my chair with glee and actually told him if only there wasn’t a 20 plus years age difference between us he would be mine! 

Now I don’t want you to get the impression that I have anything against members of the opposite sex. I do not and I know a number of wonderful men. Most of them just happen to be happily married to friends of mine or in a relationship with someone they adore. I like men, they are fun to look at. I particularly like the angles of their faces and the way they move. I don’t even care if they are handsome by societal standards, I like their faces! I especially like a face that is lived in, one with some character. I love it when their eyes crinkle up when they smile. I don’t like pretty men, yes I said it!  I am not proud of it, but there it is. I don’t trust pretty men. I certainly don’t want to date a man who is so vain it takes them forever to get ready. I am a no make up kind of woman who is out the door from the start of my shower to grabbing my car keys in 40 minutes or less. I should tell you that it takes me 10 minutes to find my keys on an average day. I don’t worry about what the wind and weather are doing to my hair, I have more important things to think about.

I think about how far we can take a conversation on religious beliefs, what men think about when they are sitting in the passenger seat of my car, what their opinion is on reincarnation, what they think was the reason for the breakdown of their last relationship, or have they ever seen a Sasquatch! I think about everything but my hair and lack of make up. I have nice hair, I like it. It is straight, falls to my shoulders and is naturally streaked. It is easy to look after and my hair stylist will not let me chop it all off because I look like a small elf when my hair is short!

Having said all of the above, being single at 53 scares me a bit. I don’t know if I will find anyone who will love me and put up with my crazy shit. I am hopeful that there is someone out there who thinks I am delightful and finds my antics amusing. I love teasing banter and would hope they do as well. Otherwise, they are just going to feel picked on. I have decided to call this my vaginal angst stage of life. So the next time someone says, “What is up with her?” You can say “Vaginal angst, isn’t she adorable?” and walk away.

Dedicated to Arkemedes
Peace and love to all

Donna

On the 8th day she rested.

 

Well it has been an interesting week! I had some type of awakening sitting in my chair waiting for the coffee to brew one morning and the next day I started writing a blog and sharing some very personal things with the online world. I know, what the hell was I thinking? You must know that I have not written anything longer than a poem ( in the last 14 years) before I had this great idea to start a blog. I have attempted to journal in the past but putting my thoughts on paper just did not appeal to me. When I need to express my thoughts and feelings,  I usually talk to a friend. There is something about sharing that helps me in ways journaling never has. Journaling is like talking to myself and I find that I do not get the release or relief that I need from it. I think the world needs people to share their stories more. We all have a story. I am not talking about fictional stories, I want to know what makes you, well you. My blog is a symbolic way for me to talk to the universe! I want and need to connect with other people and sometimes think those connections are the only thing keeping me remotely sane. My friends would say it’s not working cause I am still walking on the crazy side of the street. Who the hell would want to be normal? Normal is for those people who are too afraid to live and show the world their freaky side. I am embracing the freak! Not only do I embrace my inner freak, I embrace yours!

In some ways I think a poem that I wrote is what started this adventure and helped me release some of the self imposed restraints that were choking me to death. Here is my poem. It has no title and I have no desire to give it one, who needs labels!

Embrace the dark and broken pieces of your soul
Your strength is born of the scars
and the fire that burns and shapes, burns and shapes.
Dance among the flames until nothing remains
but the warm grey ash of who you once were.
In your heart are the embers of the ones who danced before you
The oceans are filled and the earth is cleansed
with their tears of sorrow and joy.
Let go, release yourself to the wind and trust, just trust
Love and dreams are carried through the air
and the sun shines fresh light upon the earth
Dance new spirit, fast, strong and full of heat
on this path forged from the fires of us all.

Now, we could analyze that poem to death. I have analyzed many poems written by people with far greater talent than myself.  I want to know how the poem made you feel. Did you feel anything? I am on a mission to encourage people (myself included) to think more with their heart and less with their head. Poetry can help with that because it is all symbolic and well shit, lots of poetry does not make an ounce of sense to my mind. But poetry speaks to my heart, not my mind! My mind wants rules, likes to put things in little categories, line things up and make everything neat and tidy. My heart is more wild, messy, loves to dance with other people and loves for the sheer joy of it! My head is full of fears, insecurities, problems, and anxiety so why would I want to view life from there.

Three cheers for the people who have the courage to live from their heart! They have blazed a trail for the rest of us who are starting to wake up and what a beautiful trail it is. I am tired today so I think I am just going to laze around the house, read a book, eat some healthy food and drink tea. I think I am tired from the awakening I had last week. I think I gave birth to myself that day and that is hard work! So on the 8th day I am going to rest.

Peace and love to all
xoxoxo
Donna

Heart Guru

It is 4 am and I am tired this morning. Not physically tired, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m tired of people telling me what I should do and how I should do it. I am tired of information that floods the media telling me how to be better, faster, stronger, nicer, more centered, more productive and on and on and on. I am obviously lacking the qualities that a happy and healthy 53 year old should possess, everyone is telling me so. There are articles and books galore on how to be successful, how to grieve, how to know when your in love, how to be a parent. No wonder the world is so fucked up! I have a brain and I know how to use it thank you very much. I also have a beautiful, huge heart and I use it on a regular basis too. I know how to be me! I’m sure that everyone on the planet has those two organs of delight and despair, you pick which one is described by which word for yourself, I am tired. Okay, I think my heart as well as the rest of my body gives me clues as to what is going on. Have you ever been in love? Yes? Well then I think you have a fairly good idea how that feels. You don’t need a book or a guru of any kind to tell you how it is supposed to feel. You are the guru of your own heart! Remember that, it’s important.

Let’s look at love. There are many forms and degrees of it and sure some people can make a right bloody mess of it but it is still love. For me, love is never controlling, smothering, or restricting. Love is a celebration, an expansion and an earth shaking event in some cases! It contains heat and passion,  at least it does for me. I love chocolate but that love is quite different from the love I feel for my friends, or is it?   I love dark chocolate because it is dark chocolate, I don’t need to change it, correct it, or enhance it. I enjoy the chocolate (I must really love it, I talk about it a lot) just because it is it! Same with my friends, I love them just the way they are and I do not feel the need to change one little thing about them. Well that is not true, I wish they would call me on the phone more and text me less. That is what I want and all my friends already know this about me. I tell them that and then let it go, what they do with the info is up to them. Do I get angry when they continue to text me? No, I send them a text that says can we talk on the phone instead? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no. Does this mean they don’t love me because they don’t do what I want? Did you catch that? I may want them to do something differently but it does not stop me from loving them to bits nor does it mean they don’t love me. I’m tiny and cute and weirdly funny, how could they resist me!

While I do believe that actions speak louder than words, sometimes you just need to hear the words. I tell my family and friends that I love them on a regular basis and I plan to do it more often. It makes them feel good! When someone enters my world, I make room for them in my heart and in my life. This is the expansive part of love. It is inclusive not exclusive. I wonder what would happen if we tried to love everybody, even those deemed unlovable. The rejects, the odd balls, the people who dance to the beat of their own drum, need to know they are loved and they deserve it too. Love is not something you get from someone else it is something you give! Ya can’t get what ya don’t give. Love is an inside job and then it expands outward and spreads to all those around you. Spread the love people, share it, hug as many people as you can, put yourself and your heart out there.

Books can be handy and so can gurus, simply because they may say or do something that shakes you up and gets you to look at the world or yourself in a different way. Expand the horizons of your mind even. They can present you with information that you did not have and a different knowledge base from which you can process life’s ups and downs and view the world. Just a reminder that the authors and gurus are humans, they just may have a bit of knowledge and insight that you don’t and a talent for writing or a phenominal editor perhaps. They still have to put their own pants on one leg at a time. Well, there is this one guy I know that can do both legs at once but all that took was some practice. Knowledge is powerful and the more knowledge you have the better. But don’t discount your inner knowledge. You were born with this innate sense of what is right (I try not to use the words right and wrong but like I told you, I am tired) for you and you have instincts, so use them. What is your gut telling you? What is your soul crying out for? What makes you dance with joy?

If you go about your life expecting to run into assholes everyday then you are going to run into assholes everyday. We notice what we turn our attention to. So look inward and bring your attention to what you see, think and feel. I know it can be tough at first! It was tough for me, but I am a rebellious little soul. Perhaps you are not rebellious and it will be as easy as pie for you. You may begin to notice some strange things happening, after a little while. It is going to be different for everyone but you will recognize the beauty, the dark and scary corners, your beliefs, your soul. Look at yourself, listen to yourself and observe yourself interacting with the world around you. You may find the heart guru that has been hiding in there all this time. Throw the books (I can’t believe I just said that about books) and other peoples opinions out and discover you. Have an intimate moment with yourself. Have a lot of intimate moments with yourself! When it comes to your life are you going to trust some guru or your own gut? No guts no glory takes on a whole new meaning now doesn’t it?

Be your own guru!

Love you all, Donna

 

Green Cadillacs

If you happened to read my post yesterday you know I wrote about being set up by the universe. If you didn’t read it, do it now, I don’t want to explain it again this early in the morning. Well, this didn’t just happen to me once, this happens to me all the time! Set up again and again and again. Be careful what you pray for, wish for, or the thoughts you put out there, cause the universe is listening. Even if you forget all about it, your wishes are still floating around out there and the universe never forgets. When I say set up, it is not necessarily a bad thing unless you don’t have the ability to laugh at yourself or the curve balls that life throws your way

Someone told me a story about a woman who for years wished for a green Cadillac. It was her dream car and she was determined to have one in her life. One evening she is sitting in her favourite chair watching television and wham ( yes, my sound effects need work) a car had crashed right through the wall of her living room and there it was, a green Cadillac. When I heard this I thought to myself, dumb woman, she needed to be more specific with her wishes.

To make life more interesting not only does the universe never forget, it also has a wicked sense of humour!  Here is my car story. I wanted a vintage Chevy and I loved cars and trucks from the early 50’s. It just so happened that the man I loved restored vintage cars so this was going to be a breeze. I looked at a number of old Chevys and some were in horrible shape, someone bought it just before I got there or something else happened to prevent me from finding a car. What in the hell was going on here? I thought, shit, I would have an easier time finding a green Cadillac and laughed it off. Well one month later that is exactly what I ended up with a 1951 green Cadillac. I fell in love with her curves and attitude. Her name is Lola and she got restored, customized and painted a beautiful dusty mauve. That is Lola’s picture at the top of the page!

Another thing that happens to me is I win stuff. I win stuff on a regular basis and it is usually something I neither need nor want. If there is a raffle and I have donated one of the prizes, I’ll be damned if I don’t win the prize I donated. I have won the same prize 3 times in one month!!!  I finally stopped donating it as a prize at the car shows and took it home and put it in the garage. It obviously wanted to stay with me. I was having a conversation about this with someone and asked them “Why do I win all this stuff, why can’t I win something practical like money?” We both laughed. Later that same evening I won a small but significant amount of money and continued to win money for the next two months. So I guess I just need to ask the universe questions and laugh about them.

Some of you know that I had a wonderful relationship that ended when my husband, Howard, passed away last year. I have signed up with an online dating site recently and I am not enjoying the whole process all that much. It is like window shopping for a relationship at Canadian Tire. I might have better luck if I hung out at the store! I’ll stand in front of the store with a placard and oh never mind. Anyway, you see a picture of a person if they even bother to post one. Gentlemen, find a friend with a cell phone and ask them to take your picture. It is not hard to put a picture online! When you do put one up, please make it a recent one!!!!! Sorry, it had to be said. So, you see their picture, there are some basic statistics and a little write up called a profile which tells you everything about them and absolutely nothing of value. I made mine a little weird cause that’s the way I roll. I don’t know how to navigate my way through these dating waters anymore. I know it works, the eharmony guy says so. That is also how I met Howard. So, I asked the universe why can’t this work for me twice and why can’t I have a relationship that is even better than I dreamed possible and then I laughed.  Oh Shit!

 

 

Hug people, lots and lots of people

Love ya, Donna

Ramdom Shit and Leaping

 

I turned the television on last night around nine o’clock and turned it off after ten minutes. I had no interest in anything they offered on any of the two hundred plus channels and spent the entire 10 minutes scrolling through the channel guide. So then I picked up a book and just could not get interested in that either. Maybe because it was fiction and I am focusing on what is real and alive, maybe not. You have to understand that books have been my candy since my mother taught me to read. If Mom offered me a choice of chocolate ( which I happen to love) or a book, I would pick the book every time. A chocolate bar would be gone and happily settled in my stomach within 2 minutes but a book would transport me to another world for a few hours. I love books! I like their weight and shape, the smell of a new book and the texture of the pages. Yes, I am the person you see fanning the pages and smelling the books in the store! I am just a wee bit odd. I even thought about having a square of caramel covered in dark chocolate with a sprinkle of sea salt. Then I remembered that my 53 year old body would not sleep if I ate it that late at night. No coffee, chocolate, or other stimulants after 4pm and no food after 7pm. If I eat anything after 7 pm I have nightmares, jeez nightmares are for kids!

Apparently what I am interested in is sitting at the computer and writing about feelings, life, heartache, joy and other shit. Well, my life has not turned out the way I expected. I thought I would be married with a few grown children who would bless me with grandchildren and grow old, safe in the bosom of my family. No, instead I am sitting here by myself in a house that seems too big and empty, pouring my heart out to strangers that most likely will remain strangers. Oh, don’t feel bad for me. I am not unhappy or lonely. I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I have at any other point in my life. I just never expected to be alone when I arrived here.

I am beginning to suspect that once I turned 50 some parts of me started getting younger while physically I am aging. Like a child I go to bed early and get up really early. Sugar and caffeine make me jittery. I say what I want and do what I want. I spend most of my time playing. I take naps in the afternoon. I have to make bathroom stops frequently. My attention span is shorter. I get distracted easily, oh look a squirrel! I have no concept of time and am shocked when I look at the clock and realize it is time for bed. My skin is getting softer. I like simple food. I cry more and laugh more too. The thing I have always wanted to try that children can get away with is having a temper tantrum in the middle of the bank. Scream this line up is too long and the service sucks while I stamp my feet and cry loud enough to make people cover their ears. That would be hilarious! I posted a quote on Facebook this morning by Brendon Burchard that says, “I would rather be a hot mess of bold action, a make-it happen-learn-on-the-fly kind of person than a perfectly organized coward.” Now, I have no idea who this man is but I liked what he said.  I don’t for a minute think that all organized people are cowards, just anal control freaks.

Let me tell you a secret, it’s not much of a secret anymore but what the hell. Some people would say (and they have, right to my face) I seem like an organized person who has their shit together. This usually makes me laugh because I am not organized and have lived my entire life figuring things out as I go. I started a business because I couldn’t find a bag I liked to carry my yoga mat in. I had no intention of starting a business and the next thing I know I am ordering stock for a store and creating a website.  What I didn’t know was that the universe was setting me up. Yup, it set me up! Me having that store introduced me to hundreds perhaps thousands of people over the five years and a number of them have become my closest friends. I started a business and found my tribe, the people who would be with me through some of the best and worst times of my life. The people who love me and help me celebrate the weird and wonderful woman I have become.  I never did find that bag!

So to all you efficient and organized people out there. Let your hair down, leave the dishes in the sink (they will still be there when you get home) go outside and meander aimlessly and let the universe lead you by your heart down the rabbit hole even if it is just for a day. You may be surprised by what you will find.  I am glad that I have the ability to leap into the unknown with my eyes wide open and a huge woohoo  from my soul.  Some of the best moments in my life have come from that, some of the best people too.  I have no idea how to get this font back to the original size, sorry.

 

Be brave and leap but don’t be stupid.  Stupid ends up on with a cameo  appearance on television or youtube.

Love you all, Donna

On Matters of Life and Death

Once again it is five in the morning and I am now taking requests for wake up calls.  Really, send me a note and I will call you!  I was up late last night talking on the phone about important shit with someone, so I am amazed I am up this early.  It’s funny how you can talk to some people for hours about almost anything.  I have never met this person but they are starting to take shape through the conversations we have and I enjoy our talks.  Just as I was typing that last sentence the phone started doing this funny beep and the screen started flashing.  Weird!

Okay, back to the subject at hand.  It is almost a compulsion for me to get up and write so I don’t ignore it. While driving to the store last night for coffee cream, I started thinking about death and dying. Our culture does not want to talk about death or getting older ( at least not in a constructive or deep manner) and I think we really need to start.  Ads are filled with anti- wrinkle creams, pills, and procedures to make you look and feel younger.  Sad, sad world we live in that doesn’t want anyone to be happy with where they are and doesn’t celebrate the lives and wisdom of our elders.  So next time you are in a coffee shop ask someone their opinion on death. I dare you!  You might get banned for causing a disturbance so don’t try this in your favourite cafe. I can imagine how that conversation would go.  Perhaps it will sound like this:

“Hi, I was just wondering what you thought about death.”

“Excuse me?”

“Death, I asked what your thoughts are on death.”

“Oh, do you need some kind of help?”

“No, I am wonderful. I just wondered what you thought.”

“Whose death are we talking about?”

“Yours.”

“Are you threatening me?”

I think most people would dance around it and never have a genuine discussion about it.  Well, I want to.  I want to delve into the murky world of death and what that means. Does it even have a meaning?  I have been present at the moment of death for four people.  Both of my parents, a patient I worked with for 2 years and my husband Howard.  Each death was as different as the people who were dying.  There are so many ways to die and so many people dying it would make sense that no two deaths would be the same.  There are similarities for sure but the differences outnumber them.  Oh yes, I have died as well and they managed to resuscitate me.  I have absolutely no memory of the event but was told about it and it scared the shit out of my surgeon! Apparently they had trouble bringing me back.  I think I may have wanted to stay dead.  Just to clarify, I am not depressed or suicidal and this is not a cry for help.

I am being honest when I say I am not afraid to die but I am afraid of the many ways it can happen.  So it is not the dying it is the method of dying that scares me.  I have a good idea how it is going to happen.  I have dreamt about it a number of times and I hope it happens just the way it does in my dreams.  I am alone in my bed when it happens and I leave my body effortlessly. One moment I am alive and the next I am standing beside my body looking at it, with no fear, no remorse, just a feeling of peace.  Sounds great as far as death goes.  While there is no certainty that this is how it will happen the recurring dreams I have over and over again usually come to pass.  I’ll dream about someone and then meet them a few weeks later.  The funny part is these people usually end up becoming an important part of my life.  See I don’t think it is strange that I have dreams that eventually come true simply because it has happened all my life and is part of me.  My father had these dreams as well and he dreamt of his headstone and saw the date 1986 beside his name.  Only it wasn’t his death, it was my mothers and his name was right next to hers on the plaque.  My father believed for years that he would die in 1986 and technically his dream wasn’t wrong because a huge part of him did.

I don’t believe that I will cease to exist when I die.  I don’t think anyone does.  This is just my belief, you have your own and that is wonderful, I am not trying to convince you of anything.  In my world view of energy and spirit we only cease to exist in this physical form.  I was sitting outside one morning last summer before Howard passed away and I sent my prayers, asking for the strength I needed to get through this, out into the universe.  My eyes were closed and I was praying my heart out with tears streaming down my face and I felt my father sit beside me and put his hand on my knee.  I say felt because my heart felt and recognized the energy of the first important man in my life, my Dad’s love had a certain gentle energy to it.  I think he was trying to comfort me and let me know I was not alone.  Every time I have been going through difficulties I feel my ancestors within each cell of my body.  All of their individual lives, hopes, dreams and struggles are part of me on a cellular level and our energies are still connected.  I can’t see them but I feel them in my darkest and loneliest moments and I also feel them during moments of great joy and triumph.  My ancestors are part of me and they live still in my heart and my blood.

I’m glad I am not afraid to die.  I see lots of people who are and have noticed that those are the people who are not really truly alive.  Sure they go about their daily business but the fear dulls the joy of being alive and robs them of some beautiful and precious moments because they are too afraid to look.  I say look!  Take a close look at the people around you.  They are all dying, that is the only consistent thing among all of our lives.  You start the dying process, in a way, the minute you are born.  You cannot avoid it so stop trying to pretend it won’t happen and live.  Live dammit and live like you mean it!  My goal is to live with fearless joy and love others with my heart wide open.  My new mantra, live and love with my heart wide open. You are going to hear it a lot.   Thanks for listening with your hearts and remember that I love you all, yes even the grammar police.

 

Hug everyone around you and live like you mean it

Donna

Honestly Folks

It is 5 am and I am curled up in my chair.  My favourite yellow mug is full of coffee, the fire is going and the thinking has begun.  Not quite sure why I like to write so early in the morning, but for now I will work with that.  I was just thinking about honesty.  Mainly because I have signed up with an online dating site or two and everyone puts that as one of their must haves when it comes to the person they are looking for.  Top two things people are looking for in a relationship on-line are honesty and a sense of humour.  I think honest people must have a great sense of humour just to deal with being honest and people’s responses to it.  I have been told I am a little too honest, if there can be such a thing.  I think what people really mean is that they don’t like what I have to say.  You want my honest opinion on something?  Okay, but now this is where the problems start.  I have trouble wrapping it in a fancy package and making it all pretty with bows and shiny things. I have tried to filter my words but that doesn’t work so well because if my mouth doesn’t give me away my facial expression does.

Now I’m not mean about it, unless the other person is trying to push their own agenda, I have no patience for people who have to be right and think their way of living is the only way. I repeat the words wow and really a lot while I listen to them!  For example: I had someone say to me that they were shocked that such a spiritual person as myself would eat meat.  Now to make it clear, this was not the only thing they critiqued about me that didn’t fit within their belief system. So I looked at them and said “my food poops on your food!”  Not the classiest thing to say, I will admit.  However, I had enough for one day from the self righteous human being standing before me.   You want to swing naked from a tree in your backyard I will cheer you on, you want to be a vegan that’s great!  I eat lots of vegetarian dishes and love food but I don’t try to force my diet, spiritual beliefs or any other belief for that matter on anyone else.

Let me backtrack to the online dating. Some people were shocked that I would want to date so soon after Howard passed away.  I don’t have the energy to defend every one of my choices.  Most of the time I am happy to just let people think what they want.  They are going to anyway regardless of what I say.  However, I do explain my reasoning just to put forth the idea that people need to do things in a way and time that is right for them and if I think I am ready to date then I am ready.  Some people were horrified but only the ones who don’t know me well. My family and close friends all cheered me on and said good for you!!!  I even talked to one friend, jokingly of course, about setting me up with her father. Then we spent an hour laughing about me becoming her stepmother. I just know that some day, when I least expect it, she will call me Mom in public to try and embarrass me. Wait till she hears the response I have planned!

Did you know that a lot of people think you should wait a year after someone’s death to make any major decisions or lifestyle changes?  Howard did you hear that?  I know he would be laughing and shaking his head.  I met Howard through an on-line dating service less than two months after his first wife passed away. We dated for 3 weeks and moved in together the week after that! People were shocked, judgemental and opinionated.  They were also very willing to share their thoughts.  If you have read any of my other posts you know what I was thinking, thank you for sharing but please fuck off.  We did not care what they thought and spent the next 11 years laughing.  Besides, what the hell am I supposed to do for a whole year?  Life is short and I don’t have a year to sit around waiting to make decisions.

Okay, back to honesty.  I think a lot of people who say they want you to be honest really want you to tell them something that agrees with what they believe to be the “truth.”  People want the nice packaging with all the frills.  I have realized that I need to be more gentle when voicing my honest opinion and keep my opinions to myself unless they are asked for when it comes to anyone else’s life.  My baby sister just yelled bullshit to that!

I have spent some time with someone that I met on-line and he has access to these posts if he so chooses.  That is up to him.  I have also started to get to know someone else who lives too far away to meet in person at the moment.  He can also access these posts if he chooses to.  Again, entirely up to him.  I am an open book and I figure if one of them still wants to spend time with me or get to know me better after reading my blog and Facebook posts that is wonderful and brave and makes my heart melt a little!  I have no expectations of any kind. They are getting a glimpse of Donna live and unfiltered which is the only way I know how to be.  I do, however, want and need a significant someone in my life who has the courage to be vulnerable and love me with their heart wide open.  Honestly, that is all I have ever really wanted from anyone.  To hell with fancy packages, just show me what is inside.

Hug people and animals and trees! Oh yes, please don’t kill spiders!

Love ya,Donna

Heart wide open!

It is so dark here in the wilds of Sooke this morning and waking up hours before the sunrise is a new habit of mine. I’m sitting in my chair with the fireplace going and a steaming cup of my favourite coffee. The coffee tastes better when I use my handmade, sunny yellow mug for some reason. This doesn’t make any logical sense, but trust me, the coffee does not taste the same in another mug. I’ve tried to use a different mug but I always come back to the yellow one. I guess me and the yellow mug have a comfortable relationship with one another. I know it’s curves and my slender fingers fit perfectly in the handle.

Comfort is good and bad. I wish my name was Comfort, what a beautiful way to introduce yourself. Hi, my name is Comfort!  I like it and I am sure people would automatically feel at ease around someone with that name. We do some crazy things in order to be comfortable with ourselves and the rest of the world. We will put up with things that make us uncomfortable, in some cases, in order to continue on a familiar path. Better the devil ya know, right? Well, as some of you already know my life had some drastic changes last year. My spouse of 11 years, his name was Howard, passed away within a few months of being diagnosed with cancer. The type of cancer doesn’t really matter, the fact that it ended our dance together on this earth is the real matter. Funny that I used that phrase because we never, ever danced with each other. So, Howard was ill and I had a business and a full-time job. Needless to say, I closed the business and cut back my hours at work, so we had time to be together and I had time to look after things for him. I don’t think many people know that Howard and I worked together with his parents in their family business of 38 years. Yes, I worked with my man and my in-laws! There are a few stories there!  Back to the important parts. Howard and I both thought he would survive this. We never for a moment thought that a man who never got sick and was so fit and healthy would succumb so quickly. He did everything he could to stay here and I was amazed at the strength and grace he possessed when faced with his own mortality. I unfortunately did not exhibit the same grace.

Howard was my anchor, my comfort in a world of uncertainty. My business and my job could be replaced but this man was so special and my god he showed me every day how much he loved me. He didn’t speak about love much, he lived it! His actions, which I think spoke much louder than words, told me everyday how important I was to him. He never once criticized me or made me feel silly or small or less than beautiful. I do some crazy shit so I think that took great strength! He loved me when I was at my worst and my best. He held me as my heart was breaking when I lost the baby we created together and never once tried to stop my tears, he loved me through it. He loved me unconditionally and with every cell. I was comfortable, happy and empowered. Then it all ended.

Okay here comes the messy and graceless part. I could not find the gracefulness in me without seeing it reflected back to me through his eyes. Did I mention that his eyes were blue? A beautiful denim blue that spoke to my soul. Okay, I’m just avoiding the uncomfortable parts. Here we go down the rabbit hole! I was ANGRY!!!! Can you imagine a small 5 foot 3 east coaster angry at the world and spewing it out upon the people she loved and complete strangers in grand and dramatic fashion. No? Okay think of a wild animal (any big ferocious feline should work) ripped from their environment and placed in a small cage and put on display for people to gawk at. Yes, that is a much better visual. Now imagine for another second that this feline was so in touch with the world around her that she could communicate with the universe and caged that was taken from her too. I could not feel anything. The beautiful and wonderful world of spirit (I will post about this aspect later) that I had experienced since I was born was gone. It felt like someone had shut the door and turned off the lights in a room with no windows or fresh air. I was blind with rage and grief. Everything that I thought made me who I was had been taken away.

I love being wrong! My friends and family loved me through the most difficult and graceless period of my life. Now here is the funny part. Despite the fact that my entire life had been destroyed, because that is how I saw it, a whole new life was being born. Even through my rage and grief I could see the possibilities that we’re now available to me. Talk about conflicting emotions! Grief and hope we’re fighting a war inside me. Then I thought about the man I had loved and knew he would want me to celebrate the fact that I was alive even though he was not. He was selfless that way. Howard was instrumental in me learning how to be me without apology. He taught me to stand strong with my feet firmly planted on my path and my heart wide open. He would be upset if he thought I closed myself off from the beauty and miracles of life because he was no longer walking with me in this physical plane. He inspired me when he was alive and continues to inspire me now that he is gone. Thanks Howard, I will always love you and will live my life to the fullest to honour all the love you gave and the things you taught me.  You were an amazing man Howard and amazing men do amazing things.  This last sentence was a little joke between us!

 

Wow, I have gone through a lot of tissues writing this! I just want to say a few more things before I start my day. Don’t be afraid to love with 110 percent of your soul. Love is not painful! Loneliness, anger, loss, isolation, a hunger for connections with others, now those are painful things. Don’t be afraid! I wish I could show you the world through my eyes and heart. Oh yeah, I can do that and have made it my mission. When you see me it shines from my eyes and if you are open you can see the love that radiates out of me and get a glimpse of the world through my heart and eyes. It is a beautiful world but you have to approach it with your heart wide open in order to see it! So for the people that avoided me in the grocery store, there is a softer and gentler Donna walking down the aisles so you don’t have to run away anymore.  I’ll show you the wonders of the universe, yes I smile with my eyes and heart

 

 

Oh yes, and hug people, as many people as you can!

Peace and love to all

Donna

Thank you for sharing but………

I have just been through one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking years of my life.  I won’t go into all the details right now, that is best left for another post. Suffice it to say, my entire world crumbled around me and I was left sitting in the rubble and dust wondering how the hell this happened. What the heck are you supposed to do in these situations? Well you stand up even if that means hanging on to a friend’s arm or leg. Come on we all have at least one friend that will be there for us. Luckily for me I have a number of them, so I didn’t lean on any one of them too long because I didn’t want them to run away screaming. Well, one friend did but I had to give her props for waiting until she got to the end of the driveway. Okay, focus Donna. So you stand up with help if you need it and you brush some of the dust off and step out of the rubble so you can look back and see the messy remains of what was your life. Well, I stepped out of the pile of rubble but I kept going back to it and sifting through it to see what I could save. Yes, I know, not the smartest move. Bad idea, no sifting, got it. Bad idea number two was thinking I had done something wrong that caused this and beating myself up for something I had no control over. I have no control, got it. The third thing that happened was I was overcome by a paralyzing fear that I would never be happy again. I knew at some point I might smile again, but I would never be as happy as I was. Well I was wrong. Not only am I happy, I am almost delirious with it today. I love being wrong!

 

Today I fell in love with uncertainty and possibilities. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I have my smile back and it is bigger and brighter than it has ever been. Why you ask?  Well, every belief I had about life, who I was, and how things should be was challenged, put to the test and tossed the hell out. Yup, I woke up and decided that I didn’t care what anyone thought, or what people deemed appropriate behavior for a grieving widow. Let me tell you every person I ran into had an opinion on what I should do and how I should do it and I told them in a very ladylike way, thanks for sharing but please fuck off. There’s no need to be rude so don’t forget to say please and thank you! Those words represented a rebellion that was so strong I thought I would explode. But, I didn’t. Those words helped me stand up straighter and gave me the courage to voice my needs, wants, fears and desires without apology. Powerful little words!  So my advice to you when you find your life in ruins and you run into people, who mean well but don’t have a clue what it is like to be you, say thanks for sharing but please fuck off. Say it like you mean it and go out there and build yourself a new life on a new belief system. Do it so well that your neighbours avoid you in the grocery store and then laugh your ass off when they scurry around the store trying to stay out of your way. If you walk really fast down the aisles they almost run, it is hilarious. Don’t get upset with them, there is no point. They are just trying to avoid the pain and discomfort of their own lives and being around you shoves it in their faces.

 

Be brave, be kind, be

Donna

 

Be Messy!

Life is messy, then it’s tidy, then it’s messy again. Mine is more messy than tidy and that is why I sit in a slightly soiled chair and think about life. The ups and downs, the heartbreaks, joys, struggles and all the feelings that make life both messy and tidy.

Once upon a time I had a very clean house! Yes, I really did. But I detest housework, so I stopped doing so much of the thing I didn’t like and did more of the things I enjoyed and like magic a happier though slightly disheveled Donna emerged. There is the key -spend less time doing things you detest and more time doing whatever it is that makes your soul burst with joy.  Now that could be messy!

Remember when you were a kid?  Yes I know for some it is a stretch, but try, or make up an idyllic childhood in your head if you have to.  Trust me this will be fun!  I remember rolling around in the grass and not once did I care about the condition of my clothing or hair.  I used to make mud pies and again, nope, I didn’t care.  I was so busy being in the moment, feeling the cool grass tickle the backs of my legs or the slick mud squish between my fingers, that I didn’t care about anything else.  Lesson learned- being fully present brings great joy !  What did you love to do when you were young?  Relive it, feel it and take note what happens in your body. You are more relaxed, you feel younger and you are probably smiling.  No I cannot see you even though I am slightly psychic which in my case means slightly weird and lovable.  I am you and you are me.  Our experiences were different sure but we are human and share the same emotions, fears,  insecurities and bullshit.

Skip the housework , put your smart phones away, grab someone you love and go do something messy!  Roll on the grass or jump in mud puddles. Be in the moment and enjoy. You can always tidy up later.

Love ya, Donna