A number of people have told me lately that they think I am strong and brave. I thank them, because it is the polite thing to do, but I make a silent snorting noise in response. I don’t see it the way they do. I just deal with whatever life throws at me the best way I know how. I talk to people, cry, think, laugh, talk some more, listen, talk. Are you starting to see the trend? I talk a lot! I need information and you have to talk to other people to get it, but I also listen when they talk. Well, I don’t listen all the time. I try, but every once in a while I find myself thinking is this person for real? Are they actually saying these things and then I inject “oh really” into the conversation a few times. I am also sure that given some of the things I say to people they are doing the same thing to me!
Information is the key for me. I need lots of it to make a decision, then again, sometimes I make huge decisions without giving it much thought at all. I follow my gut! When I gather copious amounts of info it is because I am afraid to make a decision or a choice. I am at a point in my life where I need to decide where I want to live and what I want to do for the rest of my life. Big decisions right? I could go back to school and finish my degree, I could travel and see some of the world, the possibilities are endless. Holy cow that scares the hell out of me. I am frozen with fear because there are just so many choices. What if I make the wrong choice? What in the hell am I going to do? I change my mind so much people are starting to think I’m a little flaky. I just cannot make a decision.
That’s not entirely true, I decided to move before I sell my home because I felt trapped. One decision done. I feel good about that decision. Living in a suite will allow me to take off on a trip somewhere if I want since I won’t have a huge property to maintain. That choice gave me some freedom. I bought new furniture in the first store I went to instead of my usual routine of going to every store in town first. Sometimes I think that gathering too much information can confuse the issue and make it harder for me to make a decision. Aha moment! I took a year off to give myself time to tidy up the ruins of the life I had and figure it all out. I am being impatient with myself because I have been brainwashed into thinking that I have to be productive. So I have decided that not making a decision on what I want to do in this next stage of my life counts as a decision. Now the laughter comes bubbling out of me. I have decided that I don’t have to decide right now. Wow, what a relief!
I am looking forward to having time off! I have worked every summer since I was fourteen and this will be the first time I can just do whatever the heck I want. I have made loose plans to do what I am calling a drive about. I am going to get in my car, board the ferry to get to the mainland and drive all over this beautiful province and see the sights. I also have a feeling that this is how I am going to decide where I want to live, just a gut feeling. Oh the people I will meet and the places I will explore! I am going to play for the rest of the year and when my new year starts on my birthday in October I will have a look at my life and make some decisions. So I don’t know about being brave or strong. I am just going to follow my gut instincts for the rest of the year and trust that I will know what to do. I have great faith that the universe will give me signs that point me in the right direction. I just have to pay attention to them.
Trust your gut
Love you all