Some days I ask my self what the heck were you thinking! I know other people have said that to me but when you say it to yourself it is a whole other matter. My life has had so many changes lately that I am dizzy. I am doing a number of things that I have never done before and some of them make me uncomfortable. I wonder why and continue to explore that. I have someone coming to the house today to look at and hopefully buy one of the old Cadillacs. I have asked a friend for advice and listened to what he had to say and he made some very good points. What it comes down to is the emotional attachment I have to that car and the man who restored it. It is difficult to be objective and not take it personally when they point out the flaws and walk around the car looking for any little mark or blemish. It is just a car. Or is it? The car represented a dream for someone and they spent thousands of hours making that dream a reality. I just have to remember that it was their dream, not mine. I will bite my tongue so my mouth doesn’t get me into trouble and perhaps this person will love the car because it is part of their dream as well. My dreams for the most part don’t have material things at the forefront.
My dreams are about people and community. I want a life that is filled with meaning and deep human connections. I don’t care what kind of car you drive, what you do for a living, how many things you own or how much you weigh. I sometimes forget what an impact we can have on the lives of those around us. My favourite people are the ones who love unconditionally and treat everyone with respect and compassion. The longer I live the more of them I find. This is also what I want to give to others. One of my dreams is to have a small almost communal retreat centre. I see yurts or mini houses and a large communal space for workshops and dining. I see horses there (I know nothing about horses) for some reason, as well as dogs, cats, and chickens. Animals rescued from neglect and trauma similar to the people who find their way there. We have all suffered and continue to suffer from what we do to ourselves or what is inflicted upon us by others. I find it easier to get over what others may have done, the damage I have done to myself is a little tougher to work through. One of the things that I have realized lately is that I already offer that to people, a safe place to recover from whatever haunts them. I listen to them and I share my own experiences. Being able to do that is precious to me and a fundamental part of who I am today. I have not always been that person and have been ashamed of the way I have treated people in the past. I was struggling and doing the best I could at the time and have had to let that go. Times are different now and I finally feel as though I have something to offer the world. I think you need to go through some tough times in order to understand others when they go through it. Now all I have to do is manifest the buildings and the rest will flow from there. If you build it they will come!
So today the only thing I have to offer you is me. When we sit down together we create a sacred space and in that space is my love for you, the universe’s love for you (they are the same). That is a very healing space don’t you think? No judgement, no condemnation, just freedom from your past and an appreciation for whatever stage of your path you are on. In the past when I have run across people who have struggled with the same issues I have, I did not display much patience. I just wanted to smack some sense into them and show them how to do it. Not great, I know. Time and growth has given me a different perspective and I can truly appreciate where a person is at this moment in time. Judgement has been replaced by compassion, anger towards myself replaced by patience toward you, hatred by love, exclusion by inclusion, differences by similarities and the list goes on. I ask myself on a regular basis how I want to contribute today. I let the universe know each morning that I am ready to serve others in a way that is good for them. I learn more from helping other people than I ever did when I was a self centred, self absorbed person. There is a softness in me that did not exist before and it continues to grow. Oh, I can still be self centred and it happens when I struggle with things and fear takes over. It is not pretty but life and the human experience are not always pretty. I am learning to show myself the same level of compassion and caring that I extend to others.
Create that space for others, if you are able, so they feel safe and loved. People who are crying out for love can do so in some of the most unlovable ways. I am not saying you should tolerate atrocious behaviour or abuse from other people, walk or better yet run from that. Some people don’t want to change or grow. You cannot help them yet. The people who need you will find you and you will learn much from each other. The best teachers are students themselves! So the answer to what were you thinking is, I was doing the best I could based on my level of resistance and emotional turmoil at the time. The struggles from our past have created the masterpieces that we are today. Even the great masters painted some nasty looking stuff while they honed their talents and craft. Be gentle with yourself and others, we are all learning what it is to be fully human and walk this world in love.
Spread some love
Don’t forget the hugs