Friends with Benefits

I was so overwhelmed by loneliness yesterday it was, well, overwhelming. I don’t think I have ever felt this lonely in my life! I tried just sitting with it and exploring it and made it to 9pm and then reached out to a friend. We talked about a number of things but I didn’t mention the lonely part. Why wasn’t I willing to just say I was lonely? Perhaps I didn’t want to appear needy? I need people and the connections with others and am tired of doing most things alone. One of the things I have discovered on this twisted path of learning is, there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. So what is the difference? One is focused inward and one is focused outward. Much of our lives are focused outward and we are disconnected from ourselves. Now that is lonely!

Some people would give anything for sometime by themselves. When they get it what do they do with it? I don’t know, even when I am in a relationship I spend a lot of time by myself. I read, create things, talk to friends, listen to music, go for a walk and putter. I like to putter, it helps me think. No one likes people who are self-centred right? I think we need to be centred in ourselves, subtle difference but huge at the same time. Instead we are constantly distracted by things, always entertaining ourselves and looking for answers out there. We know the answers already, we just need to be self-centred in order to see them. So instead of viewing the term self-centred in the negative sense of a person who shows no concern for others and is only interested in their own wants and needs, let’s redefine it as someone who is centred in themselves. We can use self-absorbed for the negative aspect.

So you don’t want to be self-absorbed but you do want to be self-centred! If you are centred, some would say grounded, it means you are aware of yourself and the world around you. You can see the interactions for what they are. You are not trying to constantly distract yourself from yourself. Back to last night, what is it I did not want to look at internally that had me reaching outside of myself and had me feeling terribly lonely. I want to matter! I want to matter to someone else! I don’t want to be an afterthought for them. I want to be a priority in their lives. First, I have to be in that relationship with myself. I need to matter and be a priority in my own life! So in order to have that I need to be present and if I am constantly looking for distractions that cannot happen.

Our society is a sad sad world of distractions and disconnections. We spend so much time looking outwards and expecting others to meet our needs it is no wonder there are so many divorces and unhappy relationships. They cannot fix you or any other part of your life! Only you can fix you and your life by doing the work and being centred in self. You are not going to find the relationship you want until you are able to have that relationship with yourself. So stop looking outside yourself for the answers. The next significant person in your life is not the answer to your problems and it is extremely unfair to expect that of them. So before you enter into any relationship ask yourself why. Why do I want to be with them? What am I expecting them to provide me with that I can’t provide for myself?

My ideal relationship, which I have touched on before, still gives me lots of time to be by myself. I am not looking for someone to be the solution to my troubles. I don’t need someone to be my other half, I am already whole. I want someone that I can talk to, travel with, be intimate with, laugh with and grow together and separately with. Basically I want a friend with benefits who doesn’t “need” me in their life but “wants”me in their life and challenges me to be a better person. I also want to challenge them to be all that they can be, I don’t need or want to change them, they are already whole.
Don’t forget to hug

Love to you all

Donna

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