Friends with Benefits

I was so overwhelmed by loneliness yesterday it was, well, overwhelming. I don’t think I have ever felt this lonely in my life! I tried just sitting with it and exploring it and made it to 9pm and then reached out to a friend. We talked about a number of things but I didn’t mention the lonely part. Why wasn’t I willing to just say I was lonely? Perhaps I didn’t want to appear needy? I need people and the connections with others and am tired of doing most things alone. One of the things I have discovered on this twisted path of learning is, there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. So what is the difference? One is focused inward and one is focused outward. Much of our lives are focused outward and we are disconnected from ourselves. Now that is lonely!

Some people would give anything for sometime by themselves. When they get it what do they do with it? I don’t know, even when I am in a relationship I spend a lot of time by myself. I read, create things, talk to friends, listen to music, go for a walk and putter. I like to putter, it helps me think. No one likes people who are self-centred right? I think we need to be centred in ourselves, subtle difference but huge at the same time. Instead we are constantly distracted by things, always entertaining ourselves and looking for answers out there. We know the answers already, we just need to be self-centred in order to see them. So instead of viewing the term self-centred in the negative sense of a person who shows no concern for others and is only interested in their own wants and needs, let’s redefine it as someone who is centred in themselves. We can use self-absorbed for the negative aspect.

So you don’t want to be self-absorbed but you do want to be self-centred! If you are centred, some would say grounded, it means you are aware of yourself and the world around you. You can see the interactions for what they are. You are not trying to constantly distract yourself from yourself. Back to last night, what is it I did not want to look at internally that had me reaching outside of myself and had me feeling terribly lonely. I want to matter! I want to matter to someone else! I don’t want to be an afterthought for them. I want to be a priority in their lives. First, I have to be in that relationship with myself. I need to matter and be a priority in my own life! So in order to have that I need to be present and if I am constantly looking for distractions that cannot happen.

Our society is a sad sad world of distractions and disconnections. We spend so much time looking outwards and expecting others to meet our needs it is no wonder there are so many divorces and unhappy relationships. They cannot fix you or any other part of your life! Only you can fix you and your life by doing the work and being centred in self. You are not going to find the relationship you want until you are able to have that relationship with yourself. So stop looking outside yourself for the answers. The next significant person in your life is not the answer to your problems and it is extremely unfair to expect that of them. So before you enter into any relationship ask yourself why. Why do I want to be with them? What am I expecting them to provide me with that I can’t provide for myself?

My ideal relationship, which I have touched on before, still gives me lots of time to be by myself. I am not looking for someone to be the solution to my troubles. I don’t need someone to be my other half, I am already whole. I want someone that I can talk to, travel with, be intimate with, laugh with and grow together and separately with. Basically I want a friend with benefits who doesn’t “need” me in their life but “wants”me in their life and challenges me to be a better person. I also want to challenge them to be all that they can be, I don’t need or want to change them, they are already whole.
Don’t forget to hug

Love to you all

Donna

Shitty Days and Smiles

Had one of those days yesterday! I hurt my finger again, yes the broken one, lost my glasses, forgot my passport paperwork somewhere and had to go back to get it, stopped at a store and the clerk thought I was really funny and tried to set me up on a date with one of her regular customers that happened to be there at the same time, and I left the window of my car open in the pouring rain. This all happened before noon, shit shit shit. Now I just noticed a hole in my favourite socks, damn. My goodness I have to laugh at myself. Of course my dear friends on Facebook, well some of them, made jibes and poked fun at me. Thanks! Most days I feel like a walking disaster then there are days that make it so. So I have to stop saying I am clumsy and forgetful and making it true. I have the grace of a swan, a weird black swan, and the memory of an elephant, I am sharp!! Add all that to the social skills of a barn cat and what do you get? A fifty three year old with an attitude and strange dancing skills. Good thing I am small, cute and lovable!

Okay, I guess I will have to explain the slightly soiled chair thing. Why does everyone think I soiled myself? My chair is slightly off white and I had a border collie that liked to roll around in the dirt outside then come in the house and rub herself along the sides and back of my chair. Her name was Terra and we had a love/tolerate relationship. She passed away and is buried on the property and I can see her grave from my chair if I sit up properly. I miss her and have not wanted to clean the chair, silly huh. I have cleaned the chair before and have owned this chair for seven years. I just cannot bring myself to clean it at this time. I miss having dog love in my life and have just signed a one year lease for a suite that has an absolutely no pet policy. I did this for a reason. I want to live pet free for a little while. I still have about 12 koi fish that each weigh over 10 pounds but they just ignore me and they can ignore the new people who look after this land.

Have I told you how much I love people? I love people all the crazy wonderful weird people. I talk to people everywhere I go. Complete strangers will come up to me in coffee shops, the grocery store, well anywhere really and I will say hello and the adventure begins. I get to hear their stories, they just start spilling their stories. This has happened even more lately and I have realized it most likely has something to do with the fact that I smile at them. I smile a lot! I also smile with my eyes so it must make me seem approachable. I’m not sure why it happens but I like it! I can almost guarantee you that if I am not smiling for a moment someone will tell me to smile. I must have a very serious face, I call it my resting bitch face, when I am not smiling. It used to annoy me when people asked me to smile, now I just tell them I was resting my face for a moment, then I smile at them.  I love people and it shows!

I pick up the keys to my new living quarters today. Since my house has not even gone on the market yet, I will essentially have two homes for a little while. So I will split my time between the new and old homes. It is almost as if the universe is slowly easing me into my new life. I was standing on the front porch with a friend on the weekend having a coffee and talking and they said you are going to miss this place. I had tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t but he was right. I am going to miss the trees that have grown over ten feet since I first moved here. I am going to miss the brilliant night sky out here in the woods, the silence, the birds, the deer, the rabbits, the owls, and especially the frogs when they sing spring into existence. I lay in my bed at night with the windows open and fall asleep to hundreds of frogs singing, a frog symphony of sound. I am going to miss living here but like everything else nothing is permanent and it is time for me to let go and move on

I question the universe and its wisdom sometimes. This usually happens when things are not going according to Donna. Why did Howard have to die so young with all his plans and dreams left unfinished, while the girl unable to make plans lives? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that one. The plans for my future change on a daily basis. I think of something and roll it around in my heart for a while to see how it feels, nothing feels right. So my plan is to not make any concrete plans for a while, at least until my year off is up. I wonder what adventures the universe has in store for me? I do know that I have met some wonderful people now that I am not spending so much time working. The people are the important part of this journey. The people feel wonderful in my heart! The connections with others, the hugs, the love, and all the interesting and sometimes colourful stories they share. I am going to miss Sooke and my little plot of land here. I can always come back for a visit and wander into The Stick ( my favourite coffee shop) to see who is around, or visit the shops and talk to friends. Once you leave you can never really go back, things will never be the same again and I look forward to my new adventures and the people I will meet.

I am off to the passport office this morning! I will smile at the people standing in line with me and no doubt strike up a conversation or two. I challenge you to look at people and smile the next time you have to stand in line somewhere, look them in the eyes if they will let you and say hello. Don’t judge them just open yourself up to whatever they have to offer!  You never know who you are going to meet and your smile just might make someone’s day! Spread the love.

 

Hug everyone and trees

Hug lots and lots of trees

Please don’t kill spiders

Donna

 

Relationships

What would you do if life walked up to you and said here is a clean slate create a new life, you have one year, go! I certainly don’t know. Would you say woohoo and go driving happily down the road? Well for me I have to tidy up my old life first. Now while that tidying up happens I start creating my new life. The problem is I have no clear picture of what I want the new life to look like. I know it contains a few material things, my red claw footed table, a Buddha painting and some other artwork, a new bed, charcoal grey sofa and assorted other things that I love. I know it also includes a wonderful group of people that I love and cherish. I am hoping it will contain a wonderful man who thinks I am adorable and all that. The rest is still blank. So far the only decisions I have made are: putting my house up for sale and moving, having a garage sale, I have taken a year off of work, and I refuse to be anything but me regardless of what other people want. Doesn’t seem like I have created much of a life yet does it?

Considering all I have had to let go of, I think I am making great progress. I have examined every belief I have had about myself, the world and others, to try and discover how I truly feel about all of it. One of the things I discovered is that I have always given up a huge chunk of my life for my relationships and am no longer willing to do that. I would support and participate in the things that interested them but they would not do the same for me. Now, no one forced me to behave this way, I volunteered. What the hell was I thinking? Why was I willing to give up so much to be in a relationship? I didn’t think I was worthy, or interesting, or lovable and made apologies for being me. I gave up me to be with them. Society has painted a picture of what relationships and family looks like and we blindly follow it. I always knew I was different than the norm and just wanted to fit in somewhere. I have never felt like I fit in, even in my own family. Now I do not want to fit in anywhere. I just want to be me without feeling like I constantly need to apologize for that. So how do I do that?

Spending lots of time alone gives me time to think and try things out. I have said since I was 19 that my idea of the perfect relationship was me in my house, them in their house and we spent time together when we felt like it. I should have stuck with that. I don’t think I am the marrying type. I don’t want to spend every day and every night with someone and when you live together that is unavoidable. Even living in the same house with separate living quarters would work. Or same property separate houses would work as well. I realize that this is not ideal for everyone, but I am meeting more and more people who think this way. It sure makes sense to me. I think this type of relationship could work if that was what both people wanted and I have seen it work. I have friends that have been married for over 30 years and live next door to each other. They love each other dearly but do not want to live together in the same house. They tried living together and it was a disaster that almost ended in divorce and building a second house on the property was their solution. They are happy, their children get to spend time with both parents and the pets wander from one house to the next. Works great for them so it could work for others. We just need to get past the idea of the traditional relationship that society has thrust upon us.

Relationships, in my opinion, are about respect, passion, communication, affection, trust, honesty, unconditional love and supporting the other person to be themselves in all their glory. What I forgot in my previous attempts was to ask for and allow myself those same things. I would offer those things to the wonderful man in my life but forgot that I deserved to be treated in the same way, not just by them but myself. I did not ask that of them. Now I am asking for what I want and need to be in a healthy balanced relationship and am no longer apologizing. Wow, now there is no pressure to fit in. No desire to be anything but me. I can offer myself fully and completely without losing myself once again in someone else’s idea of what a relationship is. Now, I can have some fun!!

Relationships should be fun. If your friends were no fun you would find new friends, take your toys and go somewhere else! You decide what the game rules are and as long as both parties are on the same page you should have a wonderful time. But, don’t play games, no one likes a player!  This is not to say the relationship won’t have any problems. You are dealing with two people and their egos, accumulated baggage perhaps, and all the ups and downs of any relationship in general. So while I am supporting the other person and encouraging them to follow their dreams, I have to remember that I deserve the same from them and myself. Guess you have to have the ideal relationship with yourself before you can share the love with someone else.

Have a wonderful Monday. I am off to have passport pictures taken and pack more things for my move. Love and peace to you all.

Hug everyone!

Hug them like you mean it!

Donna

Mental What?

When I was twenty three I got married and moved from the only home I had ever known on the east coast all the way across the country to Vancouver Island. I also suffered my first panic attack shortly after that. I thought I had a heart attack and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where they declared me physically fine, said it was just a panic attack and sent me home. I had no idea at that time that anxiety and the associated panic attacks were going to lead me on a painful and wonderful journey of discovery.  At one point in my late twenties these attacks were so bad that I could not leave the house on my own. My own territory, my home, was a safe place where I could control the environment and who entered it.  Just going across the parking lot to get lunch at work was a walk of extreme discomfort. At work I was fine, at home I was fine, or was I? I had trouble breathing, got frequent chest pains, headaches, suffered from severe stomach issues and the list goes on. Living in a constant state of fear is hard on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Living in a constant state of anxiety is like being slowly buried alive and not being able to do anything about it, you are frozen with fear.

I did not get my drivers liscence until I was in my thirties and still deal with panic attacks when I have to drive somewhere that I am not familiar with, though the severity of them has lessened over time. I have to tell you that I have driven across most of Canada now, woohoo!  I would like to be able to tell you that there was one magic thing that fixed it all but there was not. It was a whole bunch of little things learned and ways of being that were incorporated into my life in small increments that helped. I also had help from professionals and non professionals. I also encourage anyone with any type of problem to reach out for help. Apparently some would consider this to be a form of mental illness, though I do not label myself in that way. From what I have seen over the years everyone suffers from some form of mental illness even if it is just an grossly overblown sense of self importance.  Just take a look at the Trump disaster that is going on with our neighbours to the south. Do you think he is displaying any level of sane thought or action, or the country as a whole is thinking with their right mind?  We are seeing only a small part of the picture. The anxiety and panic attacks are only a small part of you, though they can take over your life. I think as a society we are too caught up in labels. Every one has felt fear, anxiety and panic at some point in their lives. For some of us the dance with them lasts longer and for others the dance only ends with their death. Please reach out to people and keep reaching out until you find someone that you can relate to. I have worked extremely hard to get to the point I am at today, so I understand the struggles people face. Their struggles might not be exactly the same, but if we focus on the differences there will never be any understanding of the other.  I won’t lie it will not be easy.  Nothing worth having ever is.  You are worth it so fight, dig, cry, scream, but do the work.  You. Are. Worth. It.

I did not expect to write this post and quite frankly I am not all that comfortable doing it, but once again the universe compels me to speak. Okay universe I will go with this, but know I am not happy about it. This makes me vulnerable and I know based on previous experiences that I will be judged by some people and loved by others for my honesty and candor. I have no control over how others will react to this. I want you to know that most of these panic attacks and severe anxiety episodes have taken place in private. I still have them happen in public and this is when I say slightly inappropriate things or my behaviour seems a bit off. I laughed so hard at a funeral that I had to get up and leave, people thought I was sobbing in grief and I was almost peeing my pants with laughter! Yup, I’m a giggle at a funeral. Sometimes I look away from you when I am speaking to collect myself and so you do not see the pain or anxiety. Most of you don’t notice. People who know me socially, may be surprised by this post. Those who know me on an intimate level have seen me struggle, overcome, struggle again and grow and grow and glow.  Little typo there but I’m going to keep the glow, I like it.  It fits.

What do you think when you hear the words mental illness? It sends shivers up my spine let me tell ya. I want nothing to do with that. I had a friend who was a psychologist and I had a chat with him one day. I told him that I thought I might be crazy and gave him a few examples of why I thought this.  He told me nope you are just human and the secret is that the really crazy ones would never even question their sanity, they are the serial killers, the Hitler’s of the world and the ones with no thought of anyone or anything but themselves. God, I loved that man and miss him still. Thanks John for helping me realize my humanity was showing and heal myself.   I loved his down to earth perspective on life and am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him.

So our societal and medical systems love labels but labels don’t take into account that we are so much more than just that and capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.  I think that what I am supposed to remind you of today is that you are so much more. You are so much more than your fears, insecurities, doubts and struggles. You are also enough, more than enough and much more lovable than you believe. Your ability to heal is also far greater than you have been led to believe. You are uncomfortable and fearful for a reason. Get help and discover the reason. There is always an underlying reason. Do not be afraid of uncovering what lies underneath.  I know it is extremely difficult and I would hold your hand through it if I could. The truth of it all will set you free from the prison that anxiety has you caged in. Today I will leave you with a poem that I wrote a few years ago about a crystal called sodalite. I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night to write the poem down so I could go back to sleep. The stone wanted to speak. This dark blue stone is related to your voice, throat chakra and speaking your truth. My wish for each of you is that you are always provided with the help you need and you live your truth with love and compassion. I also hope you find your voice and use it to help others.  Much love to all of you.

 

Cold, blue, stone of truth

Release the bonds of silence

That fear has wrapped

Around my soul

The truth inside me is released

With quiet strength

I find my voice

In the middle of my thoughts and feelings

My hearts sings with freedom

Arms raised to the night

I dance with my tears

Under a cold, blue, sky

Reach out and hug someone

Judge none

Donna

 

Talking to the Universe

Universe we need to talk. First, thank you for the wonderful people you have put in my path. I love all of them for their unique perspective on the world, their humour, and for caring about others. They are all teaching me so much. Some of them are struggling though and could use some extra help right now so if you could look after them for me I would appreciate it. I also want to thank you for being there for me every day, but I could do with a little less of your humour at my expense. Stop laughing it is not funny! Fine it is a little funny, but enough already. Baboons shaking their butts at me, really, that was the best way to get the message across? I’m sure you need some comic relief now and then considering the seriousness you must deal with on a daily basis. Yes I know, time doesn’t work the same way for you. But, don’t you get tired? I know I am tired.

Okay, what is with the crazy energy where I feel like I am stuck in a time warp? Operating in two time zones at once is a bit unsettling. Some things are moving at the speed of light and other things are moving so slow I could slip into a coma. It makes me dizzy and clumsy, hence the broken finger and multiple bruises from bumping into things. You made me a small delicate woman without an ounce of gracefulness in motion. That is not fair, going through life with the grace of a new born colt is humbling. Oh, I get it, thanks a lot (sarcasm is not lost on the universe).

Why did you encourage me to write this blog? I have absolutely no idea what to write about. I am tired. Yes, I know I said that already. I need a vacation. I think I will go get my passport and if you could please streamline the process for me that would be great. I would like to go somewhere warm, that isn’t hell, and lay on a beach for a few days. I want to ride a horse through the surf. I want to walk along the beach holding hands with someone special. Yes, I get what I need not what I want, so let me rephrase those statements. That is what I need at the moment!!!! If you are so wise I don’t understand why I need to be so specific all the time. So I hereby give notice that I need to go somewhere warm around the middle to the end of March. I will go by myself if I have to but it would be much more fun if I had someone to share it with!

You have helped me reach a point where I am walking through the world with my heart wide open, thank you for that. However, why does it have to hurt so much? I can’t watch the news without crying for goodness sake. I’m still closing my heart off sometimes, yes I know. When the risks are big I close it a bit. Self preservation, or perhaps fear of being hurt. Yup hurt, that’s it. I have had enough hurt thank you very much. So if I keep open around everyone and trust that everything will be fine, it will all be fine. The pain and heartbreak are what give meaning and depth to love and joy, huh. You and your paradoxes, jeesh. I think you need to work on that! You helped me be the cheeky type, so deal with it!

Sometimes I want to yell and scream at you for the injustices and suffering I see. I know us humans have created this world of materialism, war and competition. What are we thinking, oh I see. Ego based autonomous cruise control when we need heart based manual connections with others. Shit it would be so simple to feed and house everyone. No one wants to spend their own money to do it though. When are people going to realize that we and everything else on the planet are connected? When are we going to wake up? Perhaps if karma was instantaneous we would see how our thoughts, words and deeds ripple out across the planet. It doesn’t look good at the moment and I am truly sorry for my part in that. I apologize for the rest of us as well. I am not sure what one small fifty three year old woman can do but I will attempt to change my part of the world. This Sanskrit mantra just popped into my mind, so I will share it.

Lokah Samasta Sukhino Bhavantu

May all beings everywhere be happy and free and may the thoughts, words and actions of my own life contribute in some way to the happiness and freedom for all beings.

This world is so fucked up that if you tell someone you love them, it means something different to each person. I actually love everyone who is in my life and fall in love with them all over again every time I see them. I even fall in love with strangers that I meet. It is just that, pure love.  When I see that light shining out of their eyes I get excited and the light in me responds to it. I might tease them a bit about their little quirks but there is no judgement on my part. By the way when I hug you I mean it!  Have you noticed that when most people hug they lean to the left and if they leaned to the right instead their hearts would touch. I dare you to try it next time I hug you. It is a little uncomfortable at first, but try it you just might like it! We had better say something like hug to the right so we don’t bang heads though, I have enough bruises.  Universe I really love people! Don’t tell them that though, I have an image to uphold lol. That’s it isn’t it, upholding that false image of ourselves is what gets us into trouble. Defining ourselves by the things we own, the  wealth we do or do not have, our profession, people we know and how we look is all just an illusion. If we could just define ourselves by the beautifully immense love that our heart holds the world would be much better off. Well universe, thanks for the chat! I am going to go spread some love at the grocery store and the coffee shop. Wish me luck and love

 

Lean to the right when you hug

Love to you all

Donna

The Universe Speaks

Yes! I managed to get six hours of solid sleep last night! Woke up thinking about starting a walking group in the new area I am moving to and I hear very clearly in my left ear someone say sisters. In some cultures the left side of your body is considered the female or yin aspect. So it would make sense the word sisters is said in my left ear. Okay universe I am listening but what the heck does this mean? I believe that we are constantly being given guidance and we just have to pay attention. One word doesn’t necessarily give me a view of the whole picture, but I will pay attention over the next few days and see what else falls into place.

When I sit down to write in the morning I rarely have any idea what I am going to write about. I am a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person so this is okay with me. So off I go willy nilly through my life and just stumble into people and situations never worrying about the small details of things. Just like I started this blog, I just started it, no planning, no idea what I was going to write about. I felt compelled to do this and the words just started flowing. Who cares about grammar and sentence structure, communication and giving myself a voice are the key points. If the universe gives me too much time to think about things I cannot make a move. I get frozen with the options, choices and decisions and just spin in circles never moving forward. The universe is much wiser than I am so I constantly get thrown into things that I wouldn’t usually think are good ideas then a little while later realize they were exactly what I needed at that time. By the way, because I do not follow any one religious or spiritual path, I use the term universe where some would say God, Allah, Jehova etc. This is not me being anti religious it is just my belief system and method for making sense of the world. You have your way, I have my way. Isn’t that wonderful?

So I have told you about my relationship with animals and how they give me info. So the kangaroo sent me a message about moving forward not backward. Last night there were two animals that stood out for me, one was a baboon who shook his red butt at me and a very quiet hyena. At this point I do not have a clear idea what either of those animals were trying to say. I do know that baboons are communicators and hyenas in some cases represent choice of words as in choose your words wisely. Hyenas know when to shut up! The other animal that showed up was a beautiful palomino horse and horses have been popping into my mind a lot lately so I paid attention. Horses for the most part represent power and freedom and this one just popped into view again nodding his head. So this is the way my mind works and yes I realize that to some I will sound crazy, but I no longer care about that.

Kangaroo– moving forward

Baboon– communication. ( was the butt wiggle saying don’t talk through your ass lol)

Hyena– kind words, choose words wisely

Horse–power and freedom

What I get from this –to keep moving forward on this path, the act of communication is very important but to choose my words wisely. There is power in this for me if it is used properly and I will experience a kind of freedom because of it. One more animal that has shown up is a Pegasus and his message last night was more voice, more voice but refine it. So folks there you have it.

They speak and I listen. I was wondering if I should continue with the blog. What am I doing this for? Well the universe got me to start this blog and will continue to guide me. The people who need to read what I have written will find it and the people who don’t need it will not read it. The only way I can refine my writing is to practice, practice, practice.  Simple right? Nothing is ever simple despite how it looks on the surface. I have been given an opportunity to say what I need to say and in a sense this has provided great growth for me and has helped me sort through my feelings around the changes that have taken place in my life. The future is always uncertain. Regardless of your dreams or plans, things are going to happen so don’t be too attached to the outcome. Just sit back and enjoy the wonderful ride the universe will take you on if you let it.

Peace and love to all

Don’t forget to be grateful!

Donna

She Walks With A Raven

It is 5:30 am and the fire is going, coffee is brewing and yup here I am all snuggled up in my chair with a blanket that I made. I need some comfort this morning. The last time I glanced at the clock it read 3:30.   I have had two hours sleep and I rarely have trouble sleeping. What is going on? There are a few things that can keep me awake at night, excited anticipation (no, it is not that) or a restlessness that is usually a harbinger of a unexpected huge change in my life. This has happened to me a few times in my life and this time I’m nervous. Good God how much change can I possibly handle in one year! It is almost as if on some level a huge shift is taking place and I can feel it in my bones. I am moving next week, but I have known about that for over a month. I don’t think that is it. This one is going to be a game changer, I can feel it. I do not feel as though I am ready for it. Am I ever truly ready when the universe literally rocks my world? Nope but I stumble into the future with a huge grin anyway.

My life is strange by some’s standards. I have friends who can predict earthquakes, see people who have crossed to the other side, heal broken bones with the energy that flows through them, and one or two who channel their spirit guides. How do I know these people, well, I am one of them. I decided that I have avoided this subject long enough. I have one or two friends who have seen people who have crossed over since they were small children. The world has not been kind to them. The world is never kind to people who are different and by world I mean the people.   People who tell a child that she is being seduced by the devil, need to spend some time in hell. I don’t really care if people believe that I can see some of the things I can see. I certainly cannot prove it to them but damn it don’t treat me like the spawn of satan. I as well as my friends do things from our hearts and most of us would not even hurt a fly. We would trap them gently and put them outside. We see things you may not and because of this we walk very softly on this earth.

I remember sitting on the bus with my mother when I was approx five years old. I pointed to a woman sitting across from us and said, “look at the pretty camel Mom.” My mother was not impressed and I am sure the woman wasn’t either. I was told that it was not polite to tell people they looked like a camel. What they didn’t know was that my young eyes saw the camel with her snuggled up close like a part of her but I did not think she looked like one. I stopped telling people what I saw and just ignored the animals because that would mean I was crazy right. When people hear that I see spirit animals they react in one of two ways, they either get extremely uncomfortable or they ask me if I can see their animal. If I am uncomfortable I see nothing and to be honest I don’t go looking unless someone asks me or the animal just pops up begging for my attention. People deserve their privacy and i don’t invade that privacy. I have had an animal with me since the day I was born and it warns me of danger and has literally saved my life once or twice. My raven is huge and he makes a noise that sounds like laughter. I walk through this world with a raven beside me. When there is danger nearby or I need to pay attention to something ravens and crows in nature will start acting strangely around me. This has happened many times and I always pay attention.

If I run into people and the animals show themselves it is usually to give me information me about the person. For example, I know to be wary if I see a weasel around someone. It tells me that the person is subtle and sneaky and will use others to meet their own needs all under the guise of being helpful and they watch people to learn their weaknesses. Now if the weasel is hissing ( do weasels actually hiss?) or aggressive that is quite different than if the weasel is all curled up and gentle. One makes me wary the other doesn’t. The soft gentle weasel is comfortable with their surroundings and they are great at seeing under the surface of things, they are also fiercely protective over the people they love. God this is difficult to write about. Still thinking I am a little crazy? It gets even more strange.

The animals give me information immediately that I normally would have discovered over time. They do not tell me your secrets! Even this ability is starting to change for me. Animals have always acted in strange ways around me. Horses that the owner swears are gentle will rise up, hooves pawing the air and head tossing wildly. My friend’s birds hide when I come near their cage. Cats usually avoid me and I love cats. Birds in nature swoop at my head all the time. I was attacked by a group of dogs when I was younger and have been terrified of strange dogs ever since. This fear is slowly starting to leave me and having dogs in my life has helped tremendously. I actually met some Great Danes yesterday and while the thought of it terrified me it wasn’t bad at all. They were like the gentle giants of the dog world and have such huge hearts. So while in the past they have reacted to me in some not so cuddly ways now it’s like they want to rub themselves all over me. They know I can understand them and this is the new thing, your pets are talking to me. I don’t actually hear voices it is more like feelings and just knowing. They don’t give away your secrets either! They love you and they do not judge you. Lately I have had a few animals show me things but I have to be very calm and comfortable around them and you in order for this to happen. Given my past I am not comfortable all that often around animals or people.

Why have I come out of the animal closet this morning? I am not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the restlessness of last night that has still not left me. Perhaps I just am tired of not being able to talk about it except with my closest friends. The animals in our lives and nature have much to teach us. Has your dog ever reacted strangely to someone? Pay attention to that, it can tell you a lot. Why did animals react so strongly to me in the past? I think it may have to do with the fact that I usually travel with a zoo of spirit animals and when I was uncomfortable so was the zoo. Perhaps your animals were reacting to me and the spirit animals discomfort. I may never know the answer. All I know is that this is changing and I am willing to explore it so I can no longer hide it.  I give thanks to all the animals both the real and the spirit ones for teaching me what it is like to be human. I give thanks for all the love they have shown me and the trust they have given to share their feelings with me. Okay animal kingdom bring it, I am now ready.

 

 

Walk gently

Hug lots

Donna

 

 

 

Crones, Warriors and Kangaroos

Did you know that kangaroos cannot move backwards only forward? I woke up at my usual time this morning and the blog post started forming in my mind. Then I fell back to sleep and had a dream about kangaroos. I cannot remember the blog post that had started forming, all I can think about is kangaroos. When the universe puts something in my path or my mind I pay attention to it, well most of the time anyway. So what information does the kangaroo have for me? I think I hit on the message with the first sentence, forward momentum only. I can’t go backwards though I can cause myself a lot of suffering by living in the past in my mind. Okay, universe forward it is.

The other thing that popped into my mind this morning while I waited for coffee was spiritual warriors and the feminine energies maiden, mother and crone (read wise woman). I think most self aware women are spiritual warriors. According to Wikipedia, “The term spiritual warrior is used in Buddhism for one who combats the universal enemy: self-ignorance (avidya), the ultimate source of suffering according to Buddhist philosophy.[1] A heroic being with a brave mind and ethical impulse. Different from other paths, which focus on individual salvation, the spiritual warrior’s only complete and right practice is that which compassionately helps other beings with wisdom.” I would have to say I know a few of these people and they can be any age, race, or sex. So why does that term keep popping into my head? I realize that the term warrior is mostly associated with war but in this case it is more about the internal war that takes place inside of each of us. It takes experience, training, discipline and heart to be a spiritual warrior and offer yourself to the world.

I don’t think of myself as a spiritual warrior at this point, I describe myself more as a crone. The word crone seems to have a negative connotation to it and images of wrinkled old women with warts on their nose comes to mind but perhaps we just need to change our perspective. In years gone by the crones, in a lot of cases, were the ones who held the knowledge and helped people. They were the healers, the counsellors, midwives, the wise women who had the life experience and self awareness to be all of these things. You enter the crone stage after menopause which despite the way western society has medicalized it, is still a natural process. I am lucky enough to have had the experience of it naturally. Was it always fun and pain free? Not a chance but I knew what was going on and never sought out medical treatment for it. We have turned most female natural transitions into medical issues. Painful menstrual cycles, childbirth, menopause, there is a pill, surgery or hormone cream for that. Yes the medical system has saved a lot of lives and I am not bashing it, but when did giving birth and menopause become viewed as medical conditions instead of a natural ones. There are tools to aid you as you go through these stages and the wise women have known them for years. My grandmother’s recommendation of a certain tea for menstrual cramps was far more effective than the prescription the doctor gave me.

In this youth obsessed society we are overlooking the value and beauty of the crone! We have been there, done that and have much to share. If our society has no heart how can we hope to survive? We cannot go backward and change any of it but we can move forward and be part of the changes that are coming. Even western medicine is taking small steps in the direction of treating the whole person and is incorporating Reiki, meditation, spiritual practices, among other things into their system. It is happening slowly but it is starting to gain momentum. I am greatly excited by this! I take responsibility for my health and use food, herbs, essential oils, Reiki, crystals, energetic therapies etc to maintain it but seek out medical attention for things as well. I think our future is a beautiful combination of natural healing and medical science. They diagnosed my painful kidney stones but I turned to a crone to get rid of them, rather then wait a painful month for the second test needed in our medical system. The crone’s remedy helped me within three days and it didn’t even taste too bad. My doctor asked me what I used and when I told him his response was, “My grandmother swears by that!” I have also tweaked my daily food sources so my body does not create more painful stones.

So be a spiritual warrior and use your self awareness to help others. Embrace the crone and or warrior in you and others. Be the best you that you can be and spread the love and knowledge. We have much to offer each other but it does not happen without heart. Spiritual warriors walk the earth with their heart wide open and change the world one human connection at a time. These connections add up! One person cannot save the world but continued small actions of love and compassion from each of us can. Love each other, the earth and all her inhabitants until there is no one and no thing left that needs healing, then we can dance. Thanks to all the warriors and crone’s that paved this new path for us that is based on our past but not stuck in it.

 

Dance with each other!

Love everyone

Donna

Walking in Love

Some days I ask my self what the heck were you thinking! I know other people have said that to me but when you say it to yourself it is a whole other matter. My life has had so many changes lately that I am dizzy. I am doing a number of things that I have never done before and some of them make me uncomfortable. I wonder why and continue to explore that. I have someone coming to the house today to look at and hopefully buy one of the old Cadillacs. I have asked a friend for advice and listened to what he had to say and he made some very good points. What it comes down to is the emotional attachment I have to that car and the man who restored it. It is difficult to be objective and not take it personally when they point out the flaws and walk around the car looking for any little mark or blemish. It is just a car. Or is it? The car represented a dream for someone and they spent thousands of hours making that dream a reality. I just have to remember that it was their dream, not mine. I will bite my tongue so my mouth doesn’t get me into trouble and perhaps this person will love the car because it is part of their dream as well. My dreams for the most part don’t have material things at the forefront.

My dreams are about people and community. I want a life that is filled with meaning and deep human connections. I don’t care what kind of car you drive, what you do for a living, how many things you own or how much you weigh. I sometimes forget what an impact we can have on the lives of those around us. My favourite people are the ones who love unconditionally and treat everyone with respect and compassion. The longer I live the more of them I find. This is also what I want to give to others. One of my dreams is to have a small almost communal retreat centre. I see yurts or mini houses and a large communal space for workshops and dining. I see horses there (I know nothing about horses) for some reason, as well as dogs, cats, and chickens. Animals rescued from neglect and trauma similar to the people who find their way there. We have all suffered and continue to suffer from what we do to ourselves or what is inflicted upon us by others. I find it easier to get over what others may have done, the damage I have done to myself is a little tougher to work through. One of the things that I have realized lately is that I already offer that to people, a safe place to recover from whatever haunts them. I listen to them and I share my own experiences. Being able to do that is precious to me and a fundamental part of who I am today. I have not always been that person and have been ashamed of the way I have treated people in the past. I was struggling and doing the best I could at the time and have had to let that go. Times are different now and I finally feel as though I have something to offer the world. I think you need to go through some tough times in order to understand others when they go through it. Now all I have to do is manifest the buildings and the rest will flow from there. If you build it they will come!

So today the only thing I have to offer you is me. When we sit down together we create a sacred space and in that space is my love for you, the universe’s love for you (they are the same). That is a very healing space don’t you think? No judgement, no condemnation, just freedom from your past and an appreciation for whatever stage of your path you are on. In the past when I have run across people who have struggled with the same issues I have, I did not display much patience. I just wanted to smack some sense into them and show them how to do it. Not great, I know. Time and growth has given me a different perspective and I can truly appreciate where a person is at this moment in time. Judgement has been replaced by compassion, anger towards myself replaced by patience toward you, hatred by love, exclusion by inclusion, differences by similarities and the list goes on. I ask myself on a regular basis how I want to contribute today. I let the universe know each morning that I am ready to serve others in a way that is good for them. I learn more from helping other people than I ever did when I was a self centred, self absorbed person. There is a softness in me that did not exist before and it continues to grow. Oh, I can still be self centred and it happens when I struggle with things and fear takes over. It is not pretty but life and the human experience are not always pretty. I am learning to show myself the same level of compassion and caring that I extend to others.

Create that space for others, if you are able, so they feel safe and loved. People who are crying out for love can do so in some of the most unlovable ways. I am not saying you should tolerate atrocious behaviour or abuse from other people, walk or better yet run from that. Some people don’t want to change or grow. You cannot help them yet. The people who need you will find you and you will learn much from each other. The best teachers are students themselves! So the answer to what were you thinking is, I was doing the best I could based on my level of resistance and emotional turmoil at the time. The struggles from our past have created the masterpieces that we are today. Even the great masters painted some nasty looking stuff while they honed their talents and craft. Be gentle with yourself and others, we are all learning what it is to be fully human and walk this world in love.

 

Spread some love

Don’t forget the hugs

Donna

 

Wings and Things

I was going to take the day off and then it got filled up with things to do. I am busier now that I am no longer working and wonder how I ever got anything done when I had a business and a full time job. I guess now my time is filled with things I want to do. Lunch with friends, long walks, phone calls with friends and family who don’t live close by and time to just breathe. Getting geared up to move and selling most of my material possessions is an interesting and some times strange experience. I have a difficult time putting a value on material items. I apparently do not have a talent for dickering, they ask what I would like for it and because of my previously mentioned difficulty I just ask what they would like to pay. If the offer is reasonable I’ll accept it. This throws people off and gives me much amusement when they feel the need to explain or justify their offer. I also like to just give things away! So as I go through each room there is a must pack, a must sell and a donate pile. I also have a cannot decide what to do with this pile. Make me an offer on that pile would you please . My house looks like a war zone.

There is something about decluttering and moving that brings a sense of freedom and clarity. A new home and some new furniture mixed in with the pieces I love. The hardest thing for me to pare down is the artwork. Each piece has strong emotional significance for me. Some pieces I have bought or inherited and then there are Howard’s sculptures. I have decided on two pieces of his, the raven that he made for me and a sculpture called the peaceful warrior. A picture of the warrior is at the top of the page and it is made out of chrome bumpers from antique cars that were no longer usable. Howard was into recycling in a grand way. Interestingly, whenever Howard did a warrior piece they were always female, I loved that about him. This piece is not small so I have no idea where it will fit but I cannot leave it behind. Perhaps it will live in my meditation room, I shall see.

Back to decluttering. What a huge job! It amazes me that a person who really isn’t materialistic can accumulate so much stuff. One thing is for certain I have a penchant for home made soap. Going through the bathroom cupboard revealed 21 bars of soap! I have enough soap to last me almost a whole year! Note to self do not buy anymore soap, toilet paper, laundry detergent, olive oil or coconut milk until I am out of them. Seven cans of coconut milk, really! I stop at the store without my list which is still sitting on the kitchen table ( I make lots of lists then forget to take them with me) and then I can’t remember what I have, so I buy more. You run out of anything call me! Except sugar or cow’s milk, I don’t have either in my house. I also own every kitchen gadget known to mankind. So if I haven’t used it in the last year out it goes. The only thing I do not own at the moment is a coffee grinder, it died a tragic and noisy death last month. So if anyone has bought me a gift in the last few years you may see it at my garage sale and please do not get upset. I am downsizing, it is not a reflection on you, your gift or our relationship.

The important things cannot be packed. The magnolia tree Howard bought me for our first Valentine’s Day together is now almost 20 feet tall, the lilac tree that I planted in memory of our child that was lost, the rock wall we built together on a sunny afternoon, these things cannot be packed. These remind me of the life and love we shared and can only be carried with me in my heart. The land, the house and the material things really don’t matter much in the long run. It was the life of the people and the animals that spent time in this place that I hold dear and I will carry them with me, they have shaped me and made me who I am today.

So I give thanks to the land, to Howard and all the animals that have shared my life, for allowing me to grow and flourish in a safe and supportive environment. I am grateful that I got to be part of it. Now it is time to spread my wings and leave the safety and comfort of this soft little nest and part of me is afraid that I will not be able to fly on my own. I know that letting go is a constantly recurring theme in life and if I hang on to old ways of thinking and being my wings will never develop enough to carry me. Today I will fly knowing that the universe will help me and guide me. The people I need in my life, the new lessons to be learned and the life I am destined for are already there waiting for me. I just have to go meet them with an open mind and wings strengthened by a wide open heart! So the next time someone asks me what my sign is I am going to say open!

Peace and love to all

Donna