I am sitting once again in my slightly soiled chair with a coffee beside me in my sunny yellow mug. It is five thirty in the morning and the birds are singing the sun up with cheerful little songs. It has all the makings of a wonderful day even though I have only had about four hours sleep. I had trouble settling down last night. There were a few things weighing on my mind and my heart. I have started making plans and dreaming and low and behold the universe throws a few curve balls at me just to see if I am paying attention and waits to see how I will handle it.
Have you ever had one of those moments where certain events in your life become clear in their meaning. I had one of those moments last night and I have to admit that it scared me a little. Actually my response was “well shit.” It reminded me that certain things are beyond my control. I can say I want this, I don’t want that till the cows come home and the universe in its wisdom will give me what I need. I never expected to fall in love with my life again, I never expected to feel or experience so much joy and peace again. Some of the best moments of my life have happened when I was not expecting it.
So I had a moment of clarity and it scared me. I am not sure scared is the right word. Perhaps it is more being unsure with a tiny bit of fear thrown in. I don’t know where this path will lead but I trust in the universe to guide me along and in the meantime will set the fear aside. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but I have had a few visions of the future and they do not coincide with what I thought I wanted. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Do not be so tied to what you want and don’t want that you miss the wonderful people and opportunities right in front of you. Be flexible with your how your mind and heart respond to the events and people in your life. Be teachable.
I have ideas about how I would like things to be and have expressed a large number of those ideas on this blog. One thing that I do know for certain is that as long as I let my heart rule over my mind life is as it should be. The minute I start over thinking things and second guessing every decision, fears settles in and my mind gains control. Fear versus love the eternal struggle for control. So the universe is putting people and situations in my path to see if I can actually live what I say. Anyone can say anything, but can they back it up with action. The universe is saying enough talk Donna lets see some action.
So, I have said numerous times that it is all about living with your heart wide open. But what does that really mean to me? It is about others not about me. For one of the first times in my life, I have led a very self-centered life up to this point, the happiness of others comes before my own. I want the people around me to know what it means to be loved for just being them, no strings attached. I want to bring peace and joy with me everywhere I go and spread that around. I want the people in my life to know that they are appreciated and that I truly see them for who they are and that they are more than enough. I thought I knew what love was. The universe has shown me lately that I have only danced around the edges of it in the past. Well shit!
Have a bliss filled day
I woke up yesterday morning with a new energy and renewed spirit. This was a much welcomed change. I haven’t been feeling down the last few weeks, it was more of a flat feeling if that makes any sense. So, I have been pondering this change in my energy and trying to uncover what it is. What is at the root of it. I would have to say that it stems from my heart. What is really interesting is that it spreads out and touches the people I come in contact with. You know that saying smile and the whole world smiles with you? Well, it is true. If you live from your heart people cannot help but respond to you from theirs. It is contagious in a good way. Sure there are still some people who do not seem to have a heart to respond with but it is in there. It may be hardened and dried up a little but love them anyway. One thing I have a gift for is cracking the tough shell of cranky old men and old women for that matter. I love the cranky ones and always have. When I worked in a nursing home my coworkers would ask me why a certain patient was so nice to me and so mean to everyone else. I told them it was because I loved them and they knew it! On some level people can see through the bullshit and know who has a heart and isn’t afraid to use it.
I just had a flashback to a vision I had about my life when I was a child. I will just say that my relationship with my Mom was not an easy one, she was hard to love. The universe gave me the opportunity to look at all the interactions I had with my Mom and how different things could have been for her if I had responded to her with love instead of through my fears. I was also shown how different things would have been for me. Until you learn the lesson the universe keeps putting the same issues in front of you until you deal with it. The people may change and the situation my change but it is the same issue over and over. Since I chose to respond to people from my heart instead of my head, that dark space where the fear lurks, life has changed dramatically. Do I still have fears? Oh yeah baby I still have fears, I am merely human. But I have chosen to respond with love despite my fears and insecurities.
When we tell ourselves things like, I always have trouble expressing myself or I will never get along with my brother, we are reinforcing that idea. Someone told me to change the way I said things and I would start to notice changes. What I did was put the words in the past in front of these statements. In the past I never got along with my brother. This leaves the future open to a different outcome. So regardless of what you have struggled with in the past that is where it belongs, do not let your past experiences dictate the future. That small change in the way I spoke had a huge impact. I now try to choose my words more carefully. The answer to all of our troubles is always inside us. Someone I know was talking about his disastrous relationships. Two failed marriages were weighing on his heart and mind. I kindly pointed out that the only thing all of his relationships had in common was him. Then we both burst out laughing! When I realized that I had the solutions to any problem inside my own heart and accepted ownership of the issue and the solution my entire perspective changed. I make it sound easy, but it was not. It took a lot of work both internal and external. Fortunately the universe kept testing my new found skills and helped me hone them. Do I love everyone? No I do not, I treat them with kindness and compassion but I do not give them much time or waste my energy on them. I do say a little prayer for them though.
I have someone in my life who I really enjoy spending time with. I am out of my comfort zone sometimes with this person, but I do not let that stop me from getting to know them or interacting with them heart wide open. The world is a better place because they are in it and they make my soul want to dance. I enjoy them for who they are at this moment and all their little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I have fears, but will be damned if I am going to let them dictate this relationship or any other one. My past is not going to colour the future. I have wiped the slate clean and the future is only full of possibilities. Perhaps it is easy for me to do this because the life I had ended abruptly. I am not sure. All I know is that I take each day as it comes and try to deal with any issues as they come up. I have the answers inside my heart. What do you want out of a relationship? Do you want acceptance? Then give that to the other person. Whatever it is that you want, that is what you have to give. Simple isn’t it?
I stopped for a minute to refill my coffee and had a vision of my heart. When you think of someone’s heart the colour red comes to mind for most of us. Well, I will tell you a secret, the colour of my heart is blue. It is a calm peaceful blue like a clean clear ocean warmed by the summer sun. It is liquid like the ocean too, the colours change in depth and swirl and shift and swell. Can you see it? Can you feel it? Well, my warm blue heart wishes you a love filled day and please don’t let fear stop you from having the life and relationships you want to have. Get out there and open your heart to the world. I promise you will not regret it!
Much love to all
I have so much running through my mind and heart this morning that I don’t know where to start. I have had a few rough moments lately that have me questioning everything. When this happens I usually phone a friend and run things by them. Sometimes you need an outside opinion when you are too close to a problem to see the bigger picture. It helps to broaden my view of my situation. People keep telling me that I am doing an amazing job at working through grief and moving on with my life. I guess in some ways I am, but for the most part I feel like a young frightened animal running through an unfamiliar landscape trying to find my way home. I am a fifty three year old woman who feels lost.
Every morning I see a turtle sunning itself on a rock at the edge of the pond by my house. I wonder if this is the same turtle that greeted me in the middle of the driveway when I moved here? I like to think that it is. We have a connection, this turtle and me. One of the great things about nature and the universe is they provide answers to your questions if you pay attention. Why do I keep seeing this turtle on the same rock every morning? This may be the universe providing an answer to some of the questions I have. I call them questions now instead of problems. So what does this turtle have to tell me.Turtles are able to live in two worlds. One is water and the other is land. They also carry their home, in a sense, on their backs. Their progress on land is slow and perhaps clumsy compared to the speed and grace they display when in the water. That takes care of the mind that dissects and analyzes everything. Now what does the turtle say to my heart? Sometimes life is slow and clumsy and that is okay. Sometimes it takes less effort to move through the world and you will bump up against obstacles that will slow you down and that is okay too. I live my life in two worlds (like the turtle) one of spirit and one of the physical plane. In the world of spirit I soar and on the physical plane I stumble a bit. Is it possible to soar and stumble at the same time? Yes, I think it is. In fact I am doing it on a regular basis. Stumble a bit here, soar a bit there. That is life, it is never all rainbows and puppy kisses nor is it all strife and hardship. Life is a wonderful combination of all those things and a sense of humour goes a long way in helping you navigate it with some sanity.
I guess the biggest message that comes through is be teachable. Be a life student and allow yourself to question, stumble, soar and fuck some things up. If you are not teachable the universe cannot help you. You know it all and the lessons sent are ignored or it is always someone else’s fault. You are not happy because you don’t allow yourself to be happy not because of something your husband, child, coworker, lover, or a complete stranger did. Becoming teachable requires you to look at yourself as the source of your problems and the answers. The knowledge of the entire universe is contained within you but to be teachable you must have an open mind and an open heart. Be open!
The turtle does not worry about what the rock thinks when it butts up against it. The turtle finds a way to navigate around the obstacle by looking for answers that are within. Oh yes, last time I just kept going forward and got nowhere, perhaps if I change my course just a bit that will help. For me changing my course is not a physical act but a mental one. That is the beauty of being human. I can get shit done while I work through the questions and answers. I can plow through a lot of work when I am mulling something over! I guess that one of the things that works for me is getting busy physically calms my mind. When I meditate I usually chant or rock back and forth. Yes not the standard meditation method but it works for me. Even cleaning the bathroom can become a meditation for me and clarity of heart and mind usually follow a cleaning spree. There is only one problem, I don’t like housework!
I keep getting a message from spirit to keep writing. Heck even Alfred Hitchcock chimed in! I just have not felt like writing. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that I detest being told what to do by anyone, even spirit. That presents a problem. So I don’t want to write about my personal experiences at the moment, mainly because it’s well personal and not fair to the other people involved. They deserve their privacy and I respect that. Perhaps Alfred was right and I need to tell stories that will allow me to explore and let the people around me be anonymous. So, I will give some fiction a try and see what happens. Hope you all have a wonder filled day.
Hug each other
Do you ever feel as if you are just existing and going through the motions without really living? I feel that way today. It is as if I am waiting for something even though I don’t know what that something is. I try to make plans but something always comes up to make me cancel. I have tried planning a few trips but they have all fallen through for one reason or another. It’s not that I don’t want to do things and move forward with my life and in a few respects I have moved forward. The last year has hammered home the point that life is short and precious so don’t waste one minute of it. I feel as though I am wasting my life not doing much of anything. Then I realized that sometimes you just need to sit with things for a while. This period of inactivity has its purpose even if I don’t understand it at this time. I am not used to sitting with things and watching life unfold for others around me. I am observing from a neutral perspective and not really reacting to things. Because of my lack of reaction I am noticing subtle things about people that I normally would not have noticed.
Went for tea with a friend last night. We haven’t seen much of each other since she moved to a different part of town. I don’t know this person extremely well but there has always been a connection between us since we met. I got to see a family member of hers that passed away and share this information with her. This is not a usual occurrence in my life. Interesting, unsettling, and wondrous are words I would use to describe the situation. I am not a medium and while I do have some strong intuitive gifts communicating with the deceased is not a normal skill for me. However having said that, the way people and animals communicate is not that different. It is not as though they speak directly to me. Sometimes it is just having information in my mind that wasn’t there a minute before, I see pictures, experience emotions and in some cases experience physical pain. I am more comfortable with the animals than I am with the people.
One animal in particular has been making its presence known. I am obsessed with elephants and see them everywhere I go. They will be on tshirts, mugs, paintings, billboards etc. Is it one of those situations where you notice the thing you are focusing on? I am not sure and in the end does it really matter? The message the animal brings to me is the important part. They walk and their footsteps mimic the heartbeat of the earth and reminds me that we are all connected, what happens to one happens to all. They are my guides on this new stage of my life and have given me ideas about what I want to do for a living. I can’t tell you about it yet but let’s just say it is so far removed from anything I have ever attempted that it scares me and makes my soul dance at the same time. In the meantime the universe is teaching me to observe by giving me the time to just sit and be. It is only when I understand myself that I can understand others. The light and the dark are present in all of us, we choose what we will project to the world and the world gives it back in kind.
This is a short blog post, but considering that I have not been able to sit and write for weeks, I will be happy with that. Things are constantly changing and as a result I am constantly shifting my opinion and way of being in the world. The one thing that has been made crystal clear to me in the last year is that only the love matters. I have a huge heart with the capacity to love many people and living with my heart wide open does not allow anything else. This does not mean that I love everyone I come into contact with. Some people are difficult to like let alone love. Every person I meet teaches me something or gives me more information and helps me navigate this crooked path called my life. Much thanks to each of them.
Oh yes,the message from the elephant. Stop ignoring the elephant in your life. That big issue that you deny and refuse to deal with. Elephant poop is huge! So before that elephants shits all over your life, deal with it. It will not be as bad as you think! Well it might seem bad at first but I promise that it will be worth it in the long run.
So hug the people you love