Love and Shit

Yesterday was the first day of summer and I am back home on Vancouver Island. The sun was shining and my guy picked me up at the airport on Sunday with a huge smile on his face and big hug that lifted me off my feet. No one has ever picked me up at the airport with so much joy and it made me melt a little, it made me feel loved. Today, Tuesday, finds me awake at 4:30am suffering from a bit of jet lag as my internal clock tries to sort out the time change. So, I sit here on a comfortable sofa wrapped in a purple blanket waiting for the coffee to perk in the French press and feeling the need to write. You would think that someone who writes so much would have a way with words when talking to people, this is not the case for me. I stumble as I try to speak from my heart and I can be as awkward as a newborn colt when it comes to expressing my feelings. I worry about things and I worry a lot. Sarcasm and joking around are easy for me, serious discussions not so much. I don’t like being vulnerable.
One of the reasons I don’t like letting people know how important they or something else is to me stems from how people have used those things against me in the past. I have also come to the conclusion that I cannot let the past, regardless of how it turned out, write my future. You cannot approach life or people the same way time and time again expecting different results. I realize that everything I say on this blog has been said by countless others. The truth of these statements, as old and worn as they are, has withstood the test of time and then sometimes regardless of the truth of things, the heart of things, shit happens. Shit you were not expecting. I also want to point out that shit helps things grow. So it doesn’t matter whether your glass is half full or half empty the truth is, it is still half a glass. Your viewpoint of the truth is the important thing.

I know that I can ramble on sometimes, but this is the way my mind works. One thought leads to another and the point comes out at the end, if there is a point. I don’t know what the point of this blog is. I know it has helped me tremendously in dealing with my grief and growth. I hope it has made a small difference for someone else even if it is only that they realize that someone has had the same thoughts or fears and they don’t feel so alone in this vast world of disconnectedness. We have vast amount of information at our fingertips but we are all lost in that sea of data looking at a small screen and not noticing the people or events taking place right in front of us. We excel at being disconnected when the only important thing is our connections with others. But, in order to connect you have to open up, let people in and work through the difficulties together.

When I started this relationship with the wonderful man who picked me up at the airport, I wanted someone to do things with. I was essentially looking for a friend with benefits. I did not think any further than that. I have written blog posts about what I want in a relationship and this man is quite aware of my aversion to marriage or living with someone and all the other things that I have written about. He has read my blog and he has listened to me when we have a conversation. He and I are similar in some respects. We both have a weakness for antiques and rusty old cars, sushi, reading, music, coffee chocolate etc etc. We are also very different in the way we view the world and move through it and there is nothing wrong with that. We have much to learn from each other and are inadvertently helping each other refine our perspective and grow. What I was not expecting was this relationship becoming so much more than I had originally intended. I am not going to throw the love word out there simply because I think it is misused and misunderstood. That word holds great meaning for me and I do not use it lightly. Anyone can say the word, few actually mean it in its purest sense.  This man has helped me fall in love with life again and I cannot imagine my world without him in it. I am grateful that he is part of my life and hope he feels the same way.

One of the professors in an English lit class ,yes this was years ago but I have never forgotten it, asked us who had the most to lose in a relationship. I could not come up with an answer. His answer was the person who loves the most. I disagreed with that then and I still disagree with it now. How can you love too much unless the meaning of the word is twisted and warped in your heart. To me the word love is about acceptance, truth, it has a softness and warmth to it. Just looked the word up on line and in my opinion none of the definitions come close to explaining love. Some describe it as a feeling of deep affection, a strong attraction to another person that may include a sexual attraction. I think they, in their definition, have only scratched the surface and in trying to define it have reduced it and taken something away. For me love is never grasping or confining it is about letting go. Letting go of your expectations, letting go of the need to be right and letting go of the person if that is what is needed. When you let go love has some room to enter your heart. When you let go there is space for another person in your heart. So let go, open your heart and watch the magic happen.
Hope you all have a wonder filled day

Plant some flowers for the bees, they need our help and 

our very lives depend on them


Memories and Appearances

It is strange to reconnect with people you haven’t seen in twenty years. They remember who you were, but don’t know who you are now. They are in a sense strangers to me, though we are connected by blood and history. Now we get to make new memories with and of each other. Some of us have kept in touch over the years but there is nothing like hugging them in person and looking into their eyes when we chat. We are all a combination of our experiences and life’s ups and downs. We are shaped by them and they are visible in our physical bodies as well.
I got to visit Peggy’s Cove yesterday. It was and still is one of my favourite spots. The lighthouse on that rocky point warning mariners of the dangers along the shore stands tall and strong against the power of the wind and water. The rocks there are amazing and treacherous with huge waves that have swept many unsuspecting people out to sea. Yesterday, it was windy, rainy and cold and we spent more time in the restaurant gazing out the window than we did exploring the rocks. I ordered seafood chowder and a piece of their famous gingerbread with lemon sauce. It tasted as wonderful as I remembered. Here is a picture of me and my older sister Marg huddled against the side of the lighthouse.

My sister is thirteen years older than I am and she has been more like a second mother to me over the years. I was the flower girl at her wedding and have had the man she married in my life since I was two years old. My brother-in-law, Brad, used to take me out trick or treating and they took me on summer vacations with them. I tease them and tell them I was their practice child. I am blessed to have them in my life. They tease me, annoy me and love me. On this trip I got to meet some of their grandchildren that have all been born or become part of their lives since my last visit in 2009. I do not have any children of my own but I spent many many hours with my niece and nephews when they were young and I miss having children to play and let loose with.  
This is also my first trip east that did not involve the funeral of a loved one and I am determined to have more fun trips home. I am determined to have more fun! Somewhere along the line I turned into this serious person who did not have time to play. I think I shall spend the next few years reconnecting with the playful side of myself. So if you see a lady with long grey streaked hair and a big smile on her face acting foolish join her! There is still lots of play and laughter left in this tiny body I inhabit.
I am spending the day with one of my cousins. We are going to visit a friend’s farm in the valley then out for supper. I was never close to this cousin because of our age difference but when we met again last week there was an instant connection and recognition of souls. He is a big tough looking man with a heart of gold. He could even scare you if you did not know him but he has a wonderful sense of humour and a soft spot for children and animals. So do not judge people based on their appearance. Take me for instance, I look all tiny and fun but get me angry or be mean to someone and I am a force to be reckoned with and will stand up to anyone regardless of size and demeanour. So behind the tattoos, rough clothing or doo-rags there are some beautiful people, don’t miss out! I am often wearing jeans, biker boots and a Rolling Stones t-shirt, have my nose pierced and am getting my first tattoo. Yes I know, I am still not intimidating because of my size but people still judge me based on my clothing choices and appearance. Accept people for who they are, not who you think they should be. It makes life stress free.
This trip has been good for my soul. I plan to do more things that are good for my soul! At this point in my life if I cannot have fun doing it, it is not happening. In reality you can make anything fun, it is a choice. I dislike doing housework so I turn on the tunes and sing and dance my way through my chores so even cleaning the bathroom can be fun. So, go out and have some fun today. I know I will. Well it is sunny out there today and I am off to the farm. Have a fun filled day and spread some joy and laughter with the world.
Love to all


Know Who You Are

I have witnessed three beautiful sunrises this week from the east coast of Canada. I am in Halifax, where I was born and spent the first 23 years of my life. The city has changed so much I barely recognize it. I have lived on the west coast for more than 24 years so I have officially spent more time there. I still refer to Halifax as home. For us east coasters our roots run deep. If we meet people anywhere in the world and they are also from the east coast there is an instant bond, a shared understanding of a culture and way of being in the world. I love the accent that rolls off tongues in that sing song drawl and can recognize it wherever I am. The accent will vary depending on whether you are from a big city, or one of the smaller towns which each seem to put their own twist on a way of speaking. For now, I just want to sit and listen to the people speak. I find comfort in those familiar patterns of speech from my childhood.
I woke up at 4:30 am this morning listening to the birds sing the beginning of the day into existence and even they sing a song that is different now. I lay in my borrowed bed comparing them to the bird songs of the west, unable to identify any but the crows. I am hoping to see a blue jay while I am here, they hold a special significance for me and they don’t exist on Vancouver island. We have jays on the island but the Stellar Jays of the west are slightly different. The eastern jays are brighter in colour and slightly smaller, though their screech is very similar. This trip has me comparing many things between the east of my childhood and the west of my adulthood.
I did think about moving east after Howard left this earth. I spent hours looking through the real estate listings and dreaming about a waterfront home along the Atlantic. My heart is in the west now though, with the people who have come to mean so much to me. I call them my soul family. I fit there amongst the cedars, bald eagles, mild weather and the laid back lifestyle of small town Sooke. I belong there now. Perhaps I had to leave there to know that. I wish I had the ability to be in two places at the same time. I just started laughing cause the word bicoastal ran through my mind. I am bicoastal!
When I arrived at my sisters home and unpacked my suitcase I found a note from the special man in my life. This man was kind enough to wake up at 3:30 am to drive me to the airport, I think he likes me. This small note brought tears to my eyes and melted my heart. His presence in my life has helped me to wake up parts of myself that have been dormant for a very long time. I thank the universe for him every day and appreciate the fact that he has the strength to walk beside me and encourages me to grow, heal, and live my dreams. His note was a little reminder of all that is waiting for me when I return. This was a trip of necessity, I needed to revisit the past and make peace with it to move forward with clarity and purpose. I needed to remember who I am. So, today I am going to visit with some of my cousins. I am looking forward to reconnecting with them and getting to know them again. They too will help me remember who I am.  
So while I was away living my life on the west coast the east coast has changed. I guess time stood still in my mind and I expected things to be the same. We change and grow and places change and grow. I am not the same person that left Nova Scotia many years ago. This trip has confirmed one thing for me, while the east will always be part of me I belong among the cedars of the west.  I have also learned that you need to know and understand the past to move in a different way into the future. Learn from the past but don’t dwell there or live from there, learn from it . Know who you are. Live your life with no regrets, just live!
Love to all