I have been having a lot of conversations about the past and the events and people that shape us. These life events and the people in our past can have a huge and lingering effect on our lives and how we react and respond to the world. I don’t think we should shut the door on the past, but I don’t think we should spend so much time there that we miss the wonder of what is right in front of us now. Yes, these things have shaped us and left scars on our souls in some cases. I am telling you it is nothing you cannot overcome if you choose to. You have already survived it, haven’t you? We are responsible for ourselves and our actions.
Grief, childhood trauma, hell just trauma in general, disappointments and betrayal, all these things can make you feel isolated and so alone in this huge world. No one seems to understand. Or do they? I don’t think there is anyone I know that has not been through some major traumatic event in their life. We isolate ourselves with our pain and our anger. Trapped within a vortex of emotion swirling around us like a tornado it can be difficult to not feel helpless. True we are helpless in the sense that we have no control how others will act or respond but do we want to live the rest of our lives based on how others have acted.
When you decide that what you have been doing is not working and take a good long look at yourself, you will realize how much power you actually have. For example, someone in your life has wronged you in a large way. You now have some choices. There is nothing wrong with getting angry but if you continue to live from that space it will bite your little butt! So you are angry, now forgive. Just forgive. Forgive them and forgive yourself. Sounds simple and it is even though we make it so complicated. I think people have attached all kinds of things to the word forgive. One of the on line dictionaries describes the meaning of the word forgive as “excuse, condone, pardon, forgive meaning to exact neither punishment nor redress. excuse may refer to specific acts especially in social or conventional situations or the person responsible for these.” Another describes it as “to stop blaming or being angry with someone for something that person has done, or not punish them for something they have done.” For myself, forgiving someone is something like this; I acknowledge their action and the pain it has caused me then I simply let it go. I do not seek revenge. I do not hold it over their head. Now I don’t want you to think that this is instantaneous. Sometimes it is, but for larger transgressions it can take a little bit of time. It takes me a while to process or work through some things. Some things are so large that in the process of forgiving the other person I end whatever relationship I had with them. Sometimes in order to let go you have to let go of the person as well.
I was abused by a neighbour as a child. This was a traumatic experience for sure and while I will not go into all of the details of the whole thing I will share a small part of it with you. I was abused then the abuser moved away. What sweet relief that was for me. Our family also moved to a different part of town about a year later. I was walking to school in our new neighbourhood and low and behold there was the man who abused me walking towards me. I was afraid, I was angry and I looked him in the eyes as he walked towards me. I am also stubborn so I was not going to run away or switch to the other side of the street. When I looked at him and he recognized me the look of fear on his face broke something open inside me. I was no longer the victim of his sick mind, I realized that he was the one imprisoned by it. I was free and I forgave him. I never spoke to him that day and I rarely ran into him again. I just knew, even as a child, that it was imperative that I let the anger and the hatred go or my whole life was going to be poisoned by it.
You will find your own strength in the letting go and forgiving. I have to admit that sometimes I have to do this numerous times for the same thing or person. Some things that I think I have worked through pop up again. So I let it go, then I let it go again. The forgiveness can only come when you have let go. The power or hold of the situation in your life only loses its grip when you let it go. There is freedom in that.
Okay this is ridiculous, for the fourth morning in a row and I am getting out of bed at 4:44 am on the dot. Alfred Hitchcock also popped into my mind again just before I got up. What the hell is going on?
Shawn’s Dad, we call him Pops, has been visiting for the last few months. He had a farm in Saskatchewan and raised 100 head of cattle. We also have a Scottish Highland cow named Oatsie here, who is more like a pet at this point. Oatsie is 17 years old and an escape artist. Now picture a 1500 pound cow with horns about five feet wide with long hair and huge eyes. The other day we were moving some equipment and had the gate open and Pops was watching the gate. The next thing you know Oatsie is heading down the driveway, she just sailed right by Pops. Everyone was laughing cause this huge cow snuck right past the former cattle farmer kicking up her heels as she went. One of the guys enticed her back in with a bucket of grain and the drama was over. We live right next to the highway so keeping her behind the fence is important. Never a dull day here!
Okay lets go back to Alfred Hitchcock. I have told this story before, so for those who have read it you can skip this paragraph. My friend Debra is a wonderfully funny warm woman who happens to also be a medium. We were talking on the phone one evening and Alfred Hitchcock appeared to her on the ceiling of her living room. I said something like, ooh what does Alfred have to say to you. She started laughing and said he wants to talk to you not me. He said I need to keep writing, but I need to make stuff up. He had a bit more than that to say but I cannot remember what it was. I have not written much since and I am laughing as I type this. So now I am waking up at 4:44 every morning and Alfred Hitchcock keeps popping into my head. I am also writing once again. Thanks Alfred now let me get some sleep.
I have some intuitive abilities myself and have been able to see and get information from people who have passed away, but I would not consider myself a medium in any way shape or form. My information comes more frequently from the animal kingdom and the unusual number of coincidences that happen in my life on a daily basis. I stopped by a friends store the other day and when I went outside to get something from my car there was an SUV parked right in front of the store. On the back window was business information and the name of her business. I also write blog articles under the name Miss Daisy, which happens to be Shawn’s nickname for me. I still don’t understand why he calls me this. So the sign in her window says Driving Miss Daisy in big green letters. We had just watched the last half of the movie with the same name the night before. I also pulled an oracle or tarot card while I was at my friends shop and the card had a picture of a woman surrounded by butterflies and halos of colour with a gold light seeming to extend from her third eye area into the heavens and said the word wants to be written. I went to a tile store yesterday and ran into a woman who worked there. We have never met before but when I asked her what her name was she said Kristey and asked if I was Donna. I thought perhaps my friend who recommended this tile store told her I was coming in but it just so happens we are friends on Facebook and she reads this blog. The universe is constantly trying to get our attention and send us messages we just have to pay attention. Some may say that these things have no meaning and that is okay. But, they have meaning for me.
There seems to be an increase in the number of people seeing triple numbers constantly on licence plates, the clock, sales receipts etc etc. In fact there are entire websites devoted to the interpretation of these numbers. Some call them angel numbers while others call it numerology. To me it doesn’t matter what you call it and for some reason when they call them angel numbers it makes me snort silently in my head. So I looked up the number 444 and read about it as pure numerology and the angel number interpretation. They all basically say the same thing with or without the angels. I will use the term universe instead. The universe is sending a sign that all is well and the universe is supporting you on this journey in any way possible and to continue to work on your goals and those things you are passionate about. You are on the right path you just have to trust in the process.
Do any of you see repeating patterns whether it is words, numbers, animals or symbols?Drop me a note and let me know what this means for you! In the meantime, I have a few fictional stories running through my head so I will try to make some stuff up as Mr Hitchcock suggested. The characters in these stories are calling out for my attention. Who knows, perhaps I will write a book or a few short stories.
Hope you all have a wonder filled day
Look for the signs!!!
I have been awake at 4:44 am for the last three mornings. I am not sure why, and this morning I was having a dream about Alfred Hitchcock which will make my friend Debra laugh. So, I decided to sit and write while the coffee is brewing and see what comes up. I think about things a lot, my mind never seems to stop unless I sit and meditate and lately even that is difficult. I have this unsettled feeling swirling around inside me and I cannot explain it. It is almost as if I am waiting for something to happen and feel like my life has been in a holding pattern for a long time. Weird huh? I you have any insight into this please let me know.
One thing that has been on my mind lately is my childhood. Most likely because my sister is writing a book and we have been discussing some of these things lately. My sister and I are 13 years apart in age (she is older) and had completely different lives growing up. Her father was an angry abusive man and mine was the gentlest of souls who rarely got angry. Our mother met my father after her first husband was killed in an accident. It amazes me that four children in the same family can be so different and have such varied responses to life events and their memories of them. It makes me wonder how reliable my memory of events actually is.
Growing up in a family filled with alcoholism and all the dysfunction that comes with it teaches you some things. It teaches you to not take responsibility for your own actions. Someone else is the cause of your anger, your need to drink, your inability to get ahead in life etc. etc. It teaches you to keep secrets. God forbid if anyone every found out what really goes on in your home or your head. They would turn away from you in disgust, wouldn’t they? One of the biggest things it teaches you is fear and mistrust. When you cannot trust your own family how could you trust others? When you live in a constant state of fear it takes a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You are always living in anticipation of the next drunken tirade that is filled with discord and abuse, in some cases physical and in some cases emotional and in a lot of cases both. Not pretty is it? I remember phoning home everyday from school to ask my mother if she needed anything from the store just so I could check her tone of voice to see if she was drinking. If she was sober I would go home, if she was drinking I would go somewhere else. This is the only world I knew and alcohol was destined to play a large role in the rest of my life. I was enrolled in Life Skills 101 with an alcohol fueled instructors. I was taught to think and navigate life like an alcoholic. All I wanted was to be loved and spent many years looking for that in all the wrong places. I didn’t understand that I needed to love myself before I could offer it to or receive it from another person.
In my thirties I found myself drinking a lot and married to someone who drank enough that his work forced him into a rehab program. The alcohol saga continued, but it was a familiar one and I knew it well. Funny thing though, I ended up walking through the doors of AA in 1992 and my life was changed forever. It was in those church basement meetings that I was taught the healthy life skills that I was not taught growing up. It did not happen over night because my conditioning was firmly entrenched and they were asking me to feel my emotions and take responsibility for myself, both of which I had no idea how to do. I discovered that I only had two emotions, or states of being, angry or not angry. I sometimes still revert to anger in extremely stressful situations. However, anger is not all bad and boy oh boy can I get some housework done when I am trying to get rid of some anger in a healthy way. I have made a lot of discoveries about anger since then and that emotion is rarely caused by someone else or their actions.
It has been over 20 years since I started this journey of healing. I have learned a few things that have improved my life and me as a person. I still have much to learn, but look forward to it. It is impossible to know yourself with out understanding what made you who you are. One thing is for sure, you always have choices regardless of your life circumstance. Sometimes you may feel like you don’t have any choices but you do. You choose whether you are hardened or softened by your experiences. You can also make new choices every day. You and you alone are responsible for the person you are today. Your life experiences began to mold you, but you are like an artist finishing the beautiful sculpture that is you.
I guess I have rambled a bit, though that is not unusual for me. I understand my mother and what caused her to be who she was. I also want you to know that every time I think about her with love and forgiveness her spirit becomes lighter and brighter. The people who were in our lives and have passed on are aware of our feelings and the repercussions of their actions when they walked this earth. We get to choose whether we will hang on to the anger, bitterness, or whatever else we are feeling. There is freedom in fully accepting responsibility for who you are. You can let the past shape your future if you want. Sculpt yourself, paint yourself, sing yourself or write yourself a new future based on who you want to be, not what has happened to you.
Treat others with kindness and compassion
Hug yourself for me
I love old things, and older people for that matter. I thoroughly enjoy listening to the stories that my elders tell of times gone by and their experiences. I love their wrinkled faces that give physical evidence of the life they have lived. My favourite is eyes all crinkled from laughter, smiles and sunshine. I also enjoy the stories that antique items tell in their own rusty and timeworn way. I have a slight addiction to antique fire extinguishers for some reason and also to old cars. The picture above is me and my little shadow Georgia (if great danes can be called little) at 7 in the morning after we unloaded my 31 Model A from the trailer that delivered it late at night. I think I threw a hoody on over my pyjamas and ran outside to look at it and placed my hands on it. I put my hands on a lot of things to feel the energy of them and in some ways I think that the items become a part of me, as if I can absorb their history through my hands. If that truck could talk!
The Model A arrived not too long after we returned from our trip to the Bonneville Salt Flats for the land speed races. I had never been to the salt flats before and had no idea what to expect. The salt flats are a short drive from the lights, sounds, and throngs of people at the casinos in Nevada to a white covered world that reminded me of the moon. There are no animals, plants or insects on the salt, at least none that you can see. It is barren and beautiful and if you ever get the chance to visit during the summer I highly recommend it. In the winter the salt is covered in water and looks like a large lake. In the summer it transforms into a white wonderland that draws racers from all over the world hoping to break land speed records. This area is so flat that you can sometimes see the curvature of the earth as you look across the salt to the distant mountains.
There is something about this place that seems to become part of your blood and the people who frequent the salt call it salt fever. I am not normally an overly emotional person, but the day we said our goodbyes to the people we met and the place itself I cried like a baby. I did not want to leave. For anyone who has been there they know that my words only scratch the surface of what goes on here. There is a bonding that happens with the salt and the people. Everyone is friendly and helpful and there does not seem to be much of that us and them attitude that is part of most car gatherings and races. People are just as excited to see the rusty old cars that don’t look like they could run let alone be driven hundreds, if not thousands, of miles as they are to see the race cars that people have put hundreds of thousands of dollars into for the chance to race. There were speed records broken, dreams dashed, friends made and old friends reunited in a place that calls you back time and time again.
My guy has been going there for years as a race spectator. Some years he drives from Vancouver Island to Wendover, Utah only to discover that the races have been cancelled because the conditions on the salt are not suitable. One year it was still covered in water and on another year it was just a big mud pit. I am so thankful that the conditions were perfect for my introduction to the Salt Flats. In 2017 we will be there again but this time my guy Shawn will be behind the wheel of his own 1955 Studebaker racing across the salt in search of the speed record in his class. I will have my ear on the radio so I can hear his speed called out for the mile markers over the noise of the engines at the start line. I can’t be in the race car with him as he flies across the salt but my heart will be. I have a feeling that the salt from my happy tears will hit the ground and i will also become part of that place forever.
It is 5 am and the coffee is brewing. My slightly soiled chair is in the garage, so I now sit on a big comfy sofa to write, but my sunny yellow mug is still a part of my life. The only noises are the occasional car driving down the highway and the gentle snoring of a great dane named Georgia who has become my shadow and follows me everywhere in my new home. It is hard to move into someone’s home and find your place. This is not to say that the man I am living with has made this difficult, he has done everything to make me feel at home. My things are mixed in with his things and there are pieces of me and my life in every room. There is a blending that happens and it takes me a little while to settle down and feel comfortable. It is not the place that makes it a home, it is the people and our shared experiences. In my case home is definitely where the heart is and my heart has never been tied to a place or the things in it, my heart is connected to the people.
I have been talking to my older sister more than usual and am enjoying this new relationship we are developing. The picture at the top of the page is of me and my sister Marg taken last June at Peggy’s Cove in Nova Scotia. My sister has one of the best laughs, you know the kind that makes you smile or laugh just hearing it. Well, my sister is in the process of writing a book and I get to be a small part of it which is very exciting. We are having conversations now that were not possible before to some extent because our lives were so different. This is no indication of how we feel about each other, I love my sister dearly and she has been more like a second mother to me for most of my life. We are having conversations about things we would never have discussed 5 years ago. I am excited to get to know my sister on a different level. I have a number of people in my life that I can have conversations with about life and the things that matter and then there are others where the conversation is kept light and just skims the surface of what really matters. This does not make one type of conversation good or bad, I think we need both.
I have been having a difficult time finding my way. I suppose I should give myself a break considering the huge changes that have taken place in my life in the last year and a bit. The new man in my life, his name is Shawn, was a friend of Howard’s that I had met once very briefly before Howard passed away. One of the things that drew me to Shawn was how big his heart is. He has a lot of room in that heart for a lot of people and that included Howard. Now it includes me. Howard’s sculptures have become part of the landscape here and his artwork is also hanging on the walls, sitting on the deck or a shelf. Shawn’s heart is so big that he is able to include the people that I have loved and still love into it. So, while Shawn and I are building a life together we both get to include the people and other important things from our past into it. My heart has a lot of room also. I will tell you more about all of that in a blog piece that I have called The Tale of Two Ravens. I have started working on it but the time is just not right to tell that story.
The only reason I am writing this morning is to try and incorporate my writing into my new and busy life. I have missed sitting in my chair connecting with all of you. The last year has been filled with new experiences, new people and new ways of viewing the world. I think it just takes me a while to be able to process it all and write about it. Sometimes I just don’t have the words to express myself. Someone asked me yesterday to smell a healing spray they had made and give them my opinion. It was the strangest thing, I almost could not describe the smell. It just brought up so many feeling that words almost escaped me. I couldn’t say, oh that smells like roses or some other distinct thing. It smelled fresh and ancient at the same time, it was almost as if she had captured everything the entire world has ever experienced in a bottle. Weird huh? I think she has a gift.
Well, I hope you all have a wonder filled day and don’t forget to make your heart big and greet the world from that place. Live with your heart wide open, it is worth it.