The Joy and the Anger

One of the most difficult years of my life has created some amazing changes in me. While my initial response to all of the adversity and loss that I faced was a soul numbing anger, things have taken a different turn in the last few months. There is a softness in me that did not exist before and a renewed and refined compassion and love for others has blossomed out of that. While I have faced challenges before in my life, this was the first time I looked nowhere but inside my own heart for solutions and answers. I did not look for an external solution.

Something I have discovered is that I have an ability to be in the moment with whatever is happening internally and externally. I am able to be present and look at what is going on and as a result have a better understanding of myself and others. One thing that happened when Howard passed away was extreme sadness and grief which greatly conflicted with my hopes and the feelings of freedom his death gave me. I believe that conflicting emotions are normal during the loss of the significant person in your life and we waste too much time feeling guilty about it. It is a horrible situation to be in, you are trying to let go of them, the life you shared, move on with your life and remember and miss them at the same time. It is a tall order, the letting go and holding on to their memory all at once.

Life is full of conflicting emotions, challenges, joy and miraculous moments. We choose how we respond to that! I allowed my anger to take over for a short period but could not sustain it for long, it was killing my soul. The anger did serve its purpose for that period of time and I am thankful that I experienced it. The anger taught me a lot and may have been the catalyst for the softening that happened. I have a softness for myself and my struggles and have started behaving in a more gentle manner towards others. I do not know, nor should I presume to know how others should be under any circumstance. We just need people to allow us the space to work through it in our own way. We all need that space to learn and grow.

Having the ability and desire to look objectively at yourself and your reactions to the world and circumstance is a priceless learning opportunity. You can allow theses things to harden you and I believe that the people who feel as though these things have happened to them will harden. Life is happening to them, they are not active participants in their own life, the surface of the why of things is barely scratched. When you take the time to look deeper with an attitude of discovery and wonder it is amazing to see the layers and depths of the pain and untruths. My anger was there to insulate me from the pain and fear. But in insulating myself from the grief, pain and fear, I also insulated myself from fully experiencing all the good, the joy, the hope and the wonder. It is a double edged sword, anger is, that closes your heart off so you don’t feel anything.

I sat in this living room the day I started this blog and had an awakening of sorts. I fell in love with my life and could see how all the emotions, both conflicting and complimentary, were connected. I will call this a spiritual awakening simply because I experienced my own soul breaking free from all of the constraints my mind and beliefs had placed upon it. I was free in a way I had never been, I was free to just be. No rules, no right and wrong, just me naked in my humanity. I have great hope for humanity and know that people just like me are having awakenings of their own in the most mundane of places. Our quiet strength is far more powerful than the anger and fear being spewed out of so many minds and angry hearts at the moment. Living with your heart wide open allows you to feel everything and that can be a scary place to live from. It is painful and my heart breaks on a daily basis but my heart with it’s wide open embrace also gets to experience all the joy and wonders of being human in this time and place.

Be gentle

Donna

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Rhythm

Six in the morning, frogs are singing spring into existence and it is warm with rain falling softly to the earth. What a glorious day to be alive. Woke up this morning feeling grateful for all that I have experienced and the people I have met. Thinking about a trip just to get away and relax. I’m not sure if I can swing some time away in the sun at the moment but I have a brand new passport just begging to be used. We shall see what the next week brings and how much I can get done. Universe I need a vacation could you please help things fall into place for this to happen. Thanks in advance!

I do not like asking people for help and have had to do it a lot lately. I am used to being the one helping others. So I have a garage sale to organize, a house that is sold and needs to be cleaned out, my new place to set up and all I want to do is lay on the beach in Costa Rica. I guess I am going to need some help to swing it. I find lots of people offer to help but a number of them don’t usually come through in the end. My suggestion, don’t offer to help people if you are not willing or able to follow through. Don’t offer because it is the polite thing to do. Mean what you say and say what you mean!

I sit here in this half empty house with its bare walls and my mind and heart are flooded with memories. The laughter, the tears, the lives that have passed through here and all the dreams that came true and the ones that got destroyed. This house has been truly lived in. New people and events are creating some more memories as I let go of the place I have called home for for the last twelve years. It is more than just a house, it vibrates with the energy of the lives lived here and has a personality all its own. The enclosed overhang of the roof has been home to a bird family for the last three years and I never had the heart to close off the area where they built their nest and started their family. I can hear the babies squawking, as I sit in my chair, and the feet of the parents scuttling back and forth to feed their constantly hungry brood. I got to see the babies on their first flight and it was magical.

One late afternoon last summer I sat on a rock by the large front pond looking to see how many fish were visible. We put a few dozen gold fish in there every year but few survive the wildlife and circumstance. I saw three that were about two years old and then five little one year olds swam by and my heart filled with joy. I was so excited to see that five had survived the year. You know how you get that feeling on the back of your neck when someone is watching you. That happened to me and I turned around and got to witness a fawn slide to the ground as a doe gave birth. I sat there and watched as the mother cleaned it and the baby took it first shaky steps with some gentle nudging. It was a beautiful moment and tears were running down my face. Outside life was bursting forth and Howard was in the house fighting for his life and losing the battle. No matter what is going on in our lives the earth and all her inhabitants continue on, not knowing what you are experiencing or how much your heart aches. How can joy and despair live in my body and be experienced at the same time?

Like all things nothing is permanent, not your circumstances nor your emotions. Whatever you are feeling now is temporary and bad days only last one day. Don’t hold on to things, people, emotions or ways of being. Allow them all to flow in and out of your life like they naturally do. Hanging on to any of it only chokes the life out of you in the end and crushes the joyous moments in your tightly closed fist. There is a rhythm to life and yes even death. So dance and dance like you mean it.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

Shitty Days and Smiles

Had one of those days yesterday! I hurt my finger again, yes the broken one, lost my glasses, forgot my passport paperwork somewhere and had to go back to get it, stopped at a store and the clerk thought I was really funny and tried to set me up on a date with one of her regular customers that happened to be there at the same time, and I left the window of my car open in the pouring rain. This all happened before noon, shit shit shit. Now I just noticed a hole in my favourite socks, damn. My goodness I have to laugh at myself. Of course my dear friends on Facebook, well some of them, made jibes and poked fun at me. Thanks! Most days I feel like a walking disaster then there are days that make it so. So I have to stop saying I am clumsy and forgetful and making it true. I have the grace of a swan, a weird black swan, and the memory of an elephant, I am sharp!! Add all that to the social skills of a barn cat and what do you get? A fifty three year old with an attitude and strange dancing skills. Good thing I am small, cute and lovable!

Okay, I guess I will have to explain the slightly soiled chair thing. Why does everyone think I soiled myself? My chair is slightly off white and I had a border collie that liked to roll around in the dirt outside then come in the house and rub herself along the sides and back of my chair. Her name was Terra and we had a love/tolerate relationship. She passed away and is buried on the property and I can see her grave from my chair if I sit up properly. I miss her and have not wanted to clean the chair, silly huh. I have cleaned the chair before and have owned this chair for seven years. I just cannot bring myself to clean it at this time. I miss having dog love in my life and have just signed a one year lease for a suite that has an absolutely no pet policy. I did this for a reason. I want to live pet free for a little while. I still have about 12 koi fish that each weigh over 10 pounds but they just ignore me and they can ignore the new people who look after this land.

Have I told you how much I love people? I love people all the crazy wonderful weird people. I talk to people everywhere I go. Complete strangers will come up to me in coffee shops, the grocery store, well anywhere really and I will say hello and the adventure begins. I get to hear their stories, they just start spilling their stories. This has happened even more lately and I have realized it most likely has something to do with the fact that I smile at them. I smile a lot! I also smile with my eyes so it must make me seem approachable. I’m not sure why it happens but I like it! I can almost guarantee you that if I am not smiling for a moment someone will tell me to smile. I must have a very serious face, I call it my resting bitch face, when I am not smiling. It used to annoy me when people asked me to smile, now I just tell them I was resting my face for a moment, then I smile at them.  I love people and it shows!

I pick up the keys to my new living quarters today. Since my house has not even gone on the market yet, I will essentially have two homes for a little while. So I will split my time between the new and old homes. It is almost as if the universe is slowly easing me into my new life. I was standing on the front porch with a friend on the weekend having a coffee and talking and they said you are going to miss this place. I had tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t but he was right. I am going to miss the trees that have grown over ten feet since I first moved here. I am going to miss the brilliant night sky out here in the woods, the silence, the birds, the deer, the rabbits, the owls, and especially the frogs when they sing spring into existence. I lay in my bed at night with the windows open and fall asleep to hundreds of frogs singing, a frog symphony of sound. I am going to miss living here but like everything else nothing is permanent and it is time for me to let go and move on

I question the universe and its wisdom sometimes. This usually happens when things are not going according to Donna. Why did Howard have to die so young with all his plans and dreams left unfinished, while the girl unable to make plans lives? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that one. The plans for my future change on a daily basis. I think of something and roll it around in my heart for a while to see how it feels, nothing feels right. So my plan is to not make any concrete plans for a while, at least until my year off is up. I wonder what adventures the universe has in store for me? I do know that I have met some wonderful people now that I am not spending so much time working. The people are the important part of this journey. The people feel wonderful in my heart! The connections with others, the hugs, the love, and all the interesting and sometimes colourful stories they share. I am going to miss Sooke and my little plot of land here. I can always come back for a visit and wander into The Stick ( my favourite coffee shop) to see who is around, or visit the shops and talk to friends. Once you leave you can never really go back, things will never be the same again and I look forward to my new adventures and the people I will meet.

I am off to the passport office this morning! I will smile at the people standing in line with me and no doubt strike up a conversation or two. I challenge you to look at people and smile the next time you have to stand in line somewhere, look them in the eyes if they will let you and say hello. Don’t judge them just open yourself up to whatever they have to offer!  You never know who you are going to meet and your smile just might make someone’s day! Spread the love.

 

Hug everyone and trees

Hug lots and lots of trees

Please don’t kill spiders

Donna

 

Waiting Room Observations

I had a few hours to sit and watch people come and go through one of the largest ERs in our fair city yesterday. There was so much going on it was difficult to process it all. I attempted to talk to some of the people sitting in the waiting area with me but for the most part they were not interested. Bummer. While I was there for something minor, a broken finger sustained when I fell up the stairs at home, some of these people were in a lot of pain. One young woman paced and talked about how bad the pain was for her. It didn’t matter if she was standing or sitting the pain was severe. I wanted to reach out to her, but felt It was not my place. I wonder why I felt that way? I could have helped with energy work and showed her some breathing techniques for the pain but I just sat there and watched her pace and be largely ignored by the staff as person after person was called from their chair into the little treatment rooms. She was there when I arrived and approximately 10 people were seen before her. One nurse did approach her and asked her not to pace in that area and to please sit down. She did get looked at while I was still there and was sent home and told to take Tylenol, there was nothing they could do for her, her back was out and it was, how did the doctor put it, a mechanical issue that they could not treat. Wow!

Another thing I noticed was almost every person had a cell phone and eyes locked on that little screen they were barely cognizant of the fact that there were other people around. I did send two or three texts myself but I saw and heard a lot. I also felt a lot. It was difficult for me to be back at that hospital. That was where we got Howard’s cancer diagnosis and my world started falling apart. The couple sitting next to me were very emotional, he was dying and they were waiting for a bed to have a procedure that would make him more comfortable while they prepared for the inevitable ending. I felt their pain. I asked them if I could get them anything while they waited, what I really wanted to do was hug them. They declined and said they were fine. They were fine. I reached out to them in the only way I could and wished I could have done more.

I also had a bit of a chuckle as one particularly agile woman in her 50’s made a break for it with nurses running after her. She needed to use the bathroom, they called security and she was escorted back to her room. Well let’s say she walked at a marathon pace and now had two nurses and two security guards trying to keep up with her. She winked at me when she went by and that is when I laughed!  Another older gentleman (in his eighties) with a broken shoulder moved to another chair down the hall and left his jacket behind, no one noticed. I returned his jacket to him and we had a short but sweet conversation. He lives alone, his daughter is 3 provinces away and his neighbours came to pick him up and take him home. He really should not be by himself he can barely walk with a walker and now he is one armed, the other strapped tightly to his chest, and trying to use his walker to get around.

Another couple who sat on my left were interesting. She spoke to me a few times. When the woman found out they were going to be there for a few hours she told her husband she was going home and to get the nurses to call her when he was done. He looked shocked! So, she left and he went walk about leaving his cane behind on the chair. I happened to hear his name when they came in so when I was done I took his cane to the nurses station and told them who it belonged to. The nurse did not even look at me she just said okay set it there. I wonder if he ever got it back?

So the two hours went by rather quickly as I watched and listened to what was going on around me. All those people in a small space and they did not really interact with one another. Each one lost in his or her own world of pain. I had the pleasure of some type of connection with almost each person who came into the area, even if it was only eye contact and a smile from me. People don’t look at each other often in these situations it seems. Are we trying to give the others privacy or do we not know how to connect with each other? I’m not sure. All I know is that it was a difficult experience for me to be in that hospital again and I did the only thing I know to do. I explored the feelings and tried to reach out to others. It turned out to be a good day and my finger splinted by the plastic surgeon, off I went. We will see what happens when I make my way to the hand clinic for a more usable customized splint today. This broken finger is leading me on an adventure of discovery and learning that I never expected. Just goes to show me that every situation can teach me something.

 

Peace and love to all

Donna

 

 

The Dance of Grief

Grief is a funny word. I think it should contain more letters and have a harsher sound to it. It sounds soft and uncomplicated doesn’t it?   It is not soft, that is for sure. Experts say it has five to seven stages to it depending upon where you get your information. Seven stages sounds complicated especially since you can go through them in order only to revisit one of those stages at any time. Grief is different for everyone! Just like life and the way humans respond and react to that, it is different for everyone. Remember that.

Dealing with loss is complicated and you can grieve for many different reasons. My grief is due to the loss of my husband and sometimes it sneaks up on me in the strangest situations. I think it’s odd when someone says I lost my husband. I did not lose him, I know exactly where he went and there were times I wished that I could have gone with him. It would have been so much easier if he had lived and I had died, well easier for me. I would have traded my life for his and offered that solution to the universe a few times. The universe had other plans for me.  I have had a few long chats with the universe and all the powers that be, I was not impressed.

Okay grief let’s dance. It was mind blowing how powerful the grieving was. It brought me to my knees, some days I didn’t get out of bed and a few times I just sat in this chair staring out the window not seeing or feeling anything. I had trouble concentrating, I couldn’t sleep, some days I couldn’t even get dressed. Please, oh please, oh please don’t ask me to make another decision. It doesn’t matter how many people you have around you, grief is there waiting for you. I just got this image in my mind of grief as a dust bunny ninja, lurking in corners and hiding under the bed, jumping out at you when you least expect it. Not only are you grieving the loss of the person, you are also having to let go of your dreams and the future you had planned. Your person ( mother, father, child, friend, husband) dies and your entire life is changed forever, dreams gone in the blink of an eye.

I am a practical person and can usually find solutions in any problematic situation. There is no solution for grief. It doesn’t stop and is constantly changing. One minute it is in your face and messing with your ability to breathe and the next it retreats back to its dark corner and waits. I can remember a day when I was out with friends and on the drive home I had realized I had not thought of my husband for a few hours, grief jumped into the seat beside me and I was assaulted by it. My heart screamed how could I have forgotten Howard for those few hours? My mind was on other things and I had some fun with the girls, then the minute I was alone the reality of the situation hit home. This was no ordinary lunch date because Howard was not going to be home when I got there.  Sometimes when I go to sleep I forget what has taken place and when I wake up in the morning it hits me all over again.  Some mornings I wake up and don’t think about it all.

Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones. Because I have always had the ability to go with the flow when grief struck I embraced it. I explored this aspect of the process and went where it led me. Grief also has the ability to transform you and like any transformation the process is not pretty or pain free. The amount of growth for me has been proportionate to how willing I was to experience all that grief had to offer. I have grieved without apology. Despite the fact that I am moving on with my life, I still have moments of overwhelming grief. I had one last night. Driving home, tears pouring down my face and singing at the top of my lungs in great gasps and sobs.  Thank the universe it was dark and no one could see me. I grieve in private and I grieve a lot in my car.

There is no end to this story, no tidy summation to leave you with. The loss is always there, you just learn how to go on with your life and live with the loss. You learn to live with it and if you let it grief can teach you much about living. So please have some patience with the people you know who are suffering a loss of any kind in their life. Just love them through the process and set aside your own expectations of how they should be handling it. Until you have danced with grief you don’t know if you will be dancing a fast and hard flamenco or a slow intimate waltz.  In my case it has been an awkwardly beautiful interpretive dance that changes speed and rhythm on a whim.

Hug people, all the people

Love you all

Donna

 

 

Serenity’s Path

When you pull into my driveway there is a locked gate. Just past that gate on the left there was a rather large hand carved wooden sign that hung between two tall spiked medieval looking metal posts. The sign read Serenity’s Path. One day as I was leaving for work the sign had, after many years, rotted and crumbled to the ground. Me being me, I thought, I hope that is not a sign. I now think it was. The crumbled serenity sign reminded me that all things must end and nothing in this life is permanent. The signs are everywhere so look for them!

I lived behind a locked gate in a land called Serenity’s Path. I was happy there, or was I? When I would drive home after work I had to stop to open and close the gate and always stood for a moment to hang all the things from the day that I wanted to let go of on one of the posts. I would then thank the winds for carrying them far away and continue on to the house where my man, conversation and a cup of coffee were waiting. It was my life and while I loved it there was also this feeling of restlessness deep inside me that I didn’t quite understand. I had a wonderful husband, a business, a job and friends I adored so this restlessness confused me.

I asked Howard one afternoon, as we sat on the deck drinking coffee in the warm sun, if he would be willing to sell everything we owned, get in the truck with our travel trailer behind us and go on a great adventure. As per usual he raised his eyebrows, he did that a lot for some of my ideas, and said “Why would I want to do that, I love it here, There is so much I want to do here.” He had plans, so many plans. Now he’s gone, a half finished sculpture still sits on his work bench, and I am sitting here, drinking coffee in my yellow mug, with the same yearning for something more.

I want more than to spend eight hours of my day in a job that I have no interest in and a business that takes up an extreme amount of my free time. What am I doing this for? I am not a materialistic person so it wasn’t to get bigger and fancier things. Society places a lot of emphasis on and tries to convince you that your self worth is tied to being productive and having a career and all the right stuff. We live in a sad sad world that places too much importance on things that really don’t mean anything In the long run. It is all an illusion. Talk to anyone on their deathbed and you will not hear them say I wish I had worked more or had more material things. They say things like, I wish I had spent more time with my family and friends. They wish they had slowed down enough to enjoy the life they had. Don’t be that person! Enjoy what is right in front of you, this precious moment, because it will not last. Nothing is permanent, not the wonderful times and certainly not the bad ones.

There is an upside to all this! With the acceptance of no one thing being permanent comes freedom. I know my grief will not last, I know that bad days only last one day, people come and go and I don’t have to get used to any one way of being unless I choose to. While my driveway is straight, the path to serenity is not. The path has twists and turns, viewing areas and it sometimes doubles back to show you something you missed the first time. Whatever you are going through today, remember, it is only temporary. Learn from it, savour it because soon it will all just be a memory. Also remember it is your choice to view the world in the way you do. You can always change your mind and your viewpoint.

Live like you mean it
Peace and love to you all
Donna

To the Next Amazing Man

I have come to the conclusion that despite the fact that I am honest and outspoken I can be timid when it comes to asking for what I want. I think parts of my last post were bullshit and the universe with its grand sense of humour and timing challenged me on it. The vaginal angst part was true though lol. Some of you have sent me messages or phoned regarding that post and you made me think about things more deeply without bullshit clouding the issue.

What a wild ride the last year has been. Some people are surprised that I am doing so well at this point, especially if they have not seen me for four months. They never saw my knees hit the floor and my soul shatter, for the most part that was done in private. They did not see the rage and anger that whipped around my heart like a tornado. Most of what I went through, I went through alone. Yes there were people around me but they did not see what I did not want them to see. I have never heard the noises that came out of me in my grief, come out of another human being. I hope I never hear those heart rending noises again from anyone, ever. I don’t like to see anyone else in pain. That particular pain was so deep it changed me in ways I have yet to discover.

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday and I wasn’t sure what it was all about, now I know.

Winds howl
Lightening rends the night sky
Hair flying
Cold wet clothes burn
Arms raised
Gods, Goddesses challenged
Elements called
Power flows, thunder roars
Flung wildly
Across the land unprotected
Ravens cry
Trees bend from the force
Pain sorrow
Soul ripped apart

 

(I am not sure what the heck happened with the line spacing and I can’t seem to fix it so apologies if it is double spaced)

The pain I felt was like a primal force that changed me and shaped me. I know this woman but I do not recognize parts of her. Something in me was awakened by that experience and I will never view the world in the same way again. So me describing my idea of the perfect relationship was pure shit. That was my way of saying I was afraid to truly love someone because I did not ever want to deal with the pain again. If I can keep them at arms length and they leave or die it won’t hurt so much. Actually I think it might even hurt more because I would regret not loving them fully.

So I hereby give notice to the next amazing man that shares my life! I will not settle for less, nor should you. I am a wild, wonderful woman and I need you to stand toe to toe with me, beside me, in front of me and behind me. Love me fiercely like you mean it. Meet me with your heart wide open. Challenge me, fight for me (no violence of course, not that type of fighting), show no fear. Give thanks to the man I spent the last eleven years of my life with because his life and his love prepared me for you!

Amazing men do amazing things
Love to you all
Donna

On Matters of Life and Death

Once again it is five in the morning and I am now taking requests for wake up calls.  Really, send me a note and I will call you!  I was up late last night talking on the phone about important shit with someone, so I am amazed I am up this early.  It’s funny how you can talk to some people for hours about almost anything.  I have never met this person but they are starting to take shape through the conversations we have and I enjoy our talks.  Just as I was typing that last sentence the phone started doing this funny beep and the screen started flashing.  Weird!

Okay, back to the subject at hand.  It is almost a compulsion for me to get up and write so I don’t ignore it. While driving to the store last night for coffee cream, I started thinking about death and dying. Our culture does not want to talk about death or getting older ( at least not in a constructive or deep manner) and I think we really need to start.  Ads are filled with anti- wrinkle creams, pills, and procedures to make you look and feel younger.  Sad, sad world we live in that doesn’t want anyone to be happy with where they are and doesn’t celebrate the lives and wisdom of our elders.  So next time you are in a coffee shop ask someone their opinion on death. I dare you!  You might get banned for causing a disturbance so don’t try this in your favourite cafe. I can imagine how that conversation would go.  Perhaps it will sound like this:

“Hi, I was just wondering what you thought about death.”

“Excuse me?”

“Death, I asked what your thoughts are on death.”

“Oh, do you need some kind of help?”

“No, I am wonderful. I just wondered what you thought.”

“Whose death are we talking about?”

“Yours.”

“Are you threatening me?”

I think most people would dance around it and never have a genuine discussion about it.  Well, I want to.  I want to delve into the murky world of death and what that means. Does it even have a meaning?  I have been present at the moment of death for four people.  Both of my parents, a patient I worked with for 2 years and my husband Howard.  Each death was as different as the people who were dying.  There are so many ways to die and so many people dying it would make sense that no two deaths would be the same.  There are similarities for sure but the differences outnumber them.  Oh yes, I have died as well and they managed to resuscitate me.  I have absolutely no memory of the event but was told about it and it scared the shit out of my surgeon! Apparently they had trouble bringing me back.  I think I may have wanted to stay dead.  Just to clarify, I am not depressed or suicidal and this is not a cry for help.

I am being honest when I say I am not afraid to die but I am afraid of the many ways it can happen.  So it is not the dying it is the method of dying that scares me.  I have a good idea how it is going to happen.  I have dreamt about it a number of times and I hope it happens just the way it does in my dreams.  I am alone in my bed when it happens and I leave my body effortlessly. One moment I am alive and the next I am standing beside my body looking at it, with no fear, no remorse, just a feeling of peace.  Sounds great as far as death goes.  While there is no certainty that this is how it will happen the recurring dreams I have over and over again usually come to pass.  I’ll dream about someone and then meet them a few weeks later.  The funny part is these people usually end up becoming an important part of my life.  See I don’t think it is strange that I have dreams that eventually come true simply because it has happened all my life and is part of me.  My father had these dreams as well and he dreamt of his headstone and saw the date 1986 beside his name.  Only it wasn’t his death, it was my mothers and his name was right next to hers on the plaque.  My father believed for years that he would die in 1986 and technically his dream wasn’t wrong because a huge part of him did.

I don’t believe that I will cease to exist when I die.  I don’t think anyone does.  This is just my belief, you have your own and that is wonderful, I am not trying to convince you of anything.  In my world view of energy and spirit we only cease to exist in this physical form.  I was sitting outside one morning last summer before Howard passed away and I sent my prayers, asking for the strength I needed to get through this, out into the universe.  My eyes were closed and I was praying my heart out with tears streaming down my face and I felt my father sit beside me and put his hand on my knee.  I say felt because my heart felt and recognized the energy of the first important man in my life, my Dad’s love had a certain gentle energy to it.  I think he was trying to comfort me and let me know I was not alone.  Every time I have been going through difficulties I feel my ancestors within each cell of my body.  All of their individual lives, hopes, dreams and struggles are part of me on a cellular level and our energies are still connected.  I can’t see them but I feel them in my darkest and loneliest moments and I also feel them during moments of great joy and triumph.  My ancestors are part of me and they live still in my heart and my blood.

I’m glad I am not afraid to die.  I see lots of people who are and have noticed that those are the people who are not really truly alive.  Sure they go about their daily business but the fear dulls the joy of being alive and robs them of some beautiful and precious moments because they are too afraid to look.  I say look!  Take a close look at the people around you.  They are all dying, that is the only consistent thing among all of our lives.  You start the dying process, in a way, the minute you are born.  You cannot avoid it so stop trying to pretend it won’t happen and live.  Live dammit and live like you mean it!  My goal is to live with fearless joy and love others with my heart wide open.  My new mantra, live and love with my heart wide open. You are going to hear it a lot.   Thanks for listening with your hearts and remember that I love you all, yes even the grammar police.

 

Hug everyone around you and live like you mean it

Donna