A Year of Grace

Apparently it can take more than one year to figure out who you are after your life is torn apart!  I didn’t realize how much of my identity was derived from my business and my relationship.  Once those things were gone, there I was standing naked, feeling exposed and alone, wondering what the hell I was going to do.  I have moved on with my life in a number of ways and most of the time it was trial and error and the best things were happy accidents.  This is the first time in my life I am not working, since the age of 15, and I also didn’t realize how much my self worth was tied into my job and being productive.  It has been one hell of a year with lots of ups and downs but the ups are winning.

I have done things in the last year I never thought I would do.  I tried online dating without much success.  How the heck do you write a profile?  The best and most honest one I could come up with went something like this:  I don’t dye my hair, I don’t wear make up, I own 6 pairs of black boots and I have all my own teeth.  There were few who were intrigued by this!  I finally gave up on the dating thing and asked someone I knew a bit if they were interested in being my friend with benefits, even though I wasn’t really sure what that meant.  Well, this friend with benefits thing turned into much more than I was expecting.  He helped me find the joy in life again and continuously makes me laugh.  He is a very private person so he may not like me writing about this.  Oops, too late.  I guess I just want you all to know that when you least expect it, someone or something is going to come along and help you find the joy in life again.  I also started this blog in the last year after a spiritual awakening of sorts and gained so much from not only the writing of it but hearing what other people had to say about it.  Some comments were surprising and made me see that I was constantly downplaying who I was and what I contributed to the world just by being myself.

Each of us has something to contribute.  You don’t have to move mountains or earn six figures to have value to this world. Sometimes a kind word or a smile can change the course of someones day or life for that matter.  I recently ran into my former husband who I have not been married to since 1998.  I was a little uncomfortable at first but we had a few chats and it was like having coffee with an old friend.  I also had lunch with his parents a few days ago while they were in town and it was a joy to see them again.  I forgot how much I adored them and realized that when we got divorced I essentially divorced a lot of people in my life.  The pain of that period of my life is long dealt with and gone, there is nothing left but love for all of them.  One thing my former husband said in a text message really made me stop and think.  He said, “Maybe you just bring out the best in everyone.”  Perhaps I do, though my first thought upon reading those words was I am not that special.

If you have the ability to approach people and love them unconditionally that is special. If you can let them be them without judgement that is a wonderful gift, not only to them but yourself.  Don’t try to change people, love them for who they are and just by doing that you give them the space they need to grow and change because they want to, not because you think they should.  Don’t restrict other people or your love for them because of your own definition of right or wrong, good or bad.  Open your heart and the world opens its heart right back.  Besides, do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?  I love being wrong.

So, I would some up the last year as a year of grace.  There is a gracefulness to awkwardly finding your way.  There is grace in the tears of grief as well as tears of joy.  I am one of those people who cry when I am happy!  There is grace in this world, it is all around you and you can see it if you look for it.  You know what they say, you get what you expect.  So expect grace, expect kindness, expect love, just expect great and wonderful things to happen all around you.

 

Be kind to yourself.
Hug everyone like you mean it!

Donna
aka Miss Daisy

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Heart and Mind

I am sitting here in the dark typing and listening to Hozier’s album at a volume level I have not reached for in years! Times they are a changing. I cannot count the number of things that have changed outside of and inside of me, all I can tell you is I do not feel like the same person. I no longer just see the world and people, I feel the world and people through new eyes and a new heart. I know I use that word heart a lot when I write but I happen to think it is a most important part of us and living from your heart has much different results than living from your head. It seems to work that way for me. My mind, when I am all alone, can be a dark and scary place. It is full of insecurities, drama, what ifs, should haves, assorted lies and untruths and can come up with movie worthy disaster scenes for my life. What about yours is it all light and positive in there? I do know that some people always seem to be positive and see the good things , but I think they have either been born that way ( lucky buggers) or have learned to live from their heart. Anyone can do it, it just takes practice.

Sometimes I think our minds always try to see the differences between us and our hearts see the similarities. When I have interactions with other people holy cow does my mind like to dance around, at least it used to. Now it only does it when I am extremely uncomfortable or out of my comfort zone as they say. I’m working on it! When I can focus on the person in front of me, get my mind to quiet down, I notice I can hear what they are trying to say and also what they are not saying as well as many other subtle little things. My mind want wants to think about what I am going to say in response, does this person like me, wow I didn’t realize that he had such big ears etc etc. My heart just hears and does not dance around from feeling to feeling. It is caught up in the moment and experiencing the other person. I feel them and their words!

Now, I am at a point where I am venturing out into the dating world. The landscape is unfamiliar and I am definitely out of my comfort zone. You guessed it, mind racing along. Breathe, Donna, just breathe. It is hard to put myself out there. Despite the fact that I share some very personal feelings and circumstances with you, I am not so willing to be that vulnerable on a date. What has been very interesting for me is people having access to my writing sometimes before they have met me in person. This gives them a certain advantage don’t you think? I am not paranoid in any way shape or form, but I am cautious. A woman has to be careful out there. So they have access to my writing and I am going in blind. Why did I do this? I’m not quite sure. However, how they respond to it tells me a lot about them in the end. Some people have backed off, others have opened up and shared some of themselves with me. That’s okay, I am not the right person for everyone but I am the person for the right one. Communication is key to a relationship of any kind and one of the most important methods we use to get to know one another. I realize that I scare some people off and that’s okay too because if they can’t handle it I would like to be privy to that information sooner rather than later.

I posted the following quote on Facebook yesterday, ” I don’t want to be the other half of your soul. I want to be the one who reminds you that you’re already whole.” GS. I have no idea who GS is but I think those are wise words. I want that for you and I want that for myself as well. Remind me that I am enough, just as I am. Tomorrow I get to see someone who is travelling a long distance just to meet me. He heard me! He is making an effort and going out of his way and I truly appreciate that. We know there are no guarantees but damn you have to take some risks. I am not the only one taking all the risks and putting in all the effort. He has read my posts and from our conversations and his actions has read between the lines and picked up on a few things that others may have missed. Challenge accepted! I will keep you posted and yes I am sure he knew to expect that as well. If not, he does now lol.

Don’t forget to hug people
Hug yourself too!
Donna

Green Cadillacs

If you happened to read my post yesterday you know I wrote about being set up by the universe. If you didn’t read it, do it now, I don’t want to explain it again this early in the morning. Well, this didn’t just happen to me once, this happens to me all the time! Set up again and again and again. Be careful what you pray for, wish for, or the thoughts you put out there, cause the universe is listening. Even if you forget all about it, your wishes are still floating around out there and the universe never forgets. When I say set up, it is not necessarily a bad thing unless you don’t have the ability to laugh at yourself or the curve balls that life throws your way

Someone told me a story about a woman who for years wished for a green Cadillac. It was her dream car and she was determined to have one in her life. One evening she is sitting in her favourite chair watching television and wham ( yes, my sound effects need work) a car had crashed right through the wall of her living room and there it was, a green Cadillac. When I heard this I thought to myself, dumb woman, she needed to be more specific with her wishes.

To make life more interesting not only does the universe never forget, it also has a wicked sense of humour!  Here is my car story. I wanted a vintage Chevy and I loved cars and trucks from the early 50’s. It just so happened that the man I loved restored vintage cars so this was going to be a breeze. I looked at a number of old Chevys and some were in horrible shape, someone bought it just before I got there or something else happened to prevent me from finding a car. What in the hell was going on here? I thought, shit, I would have an easier time finding a green Cadillac and laughed it off. Well one month later that is exactly what I ended up with a 1951 green Cadillac. I fell in love with her curves and attitude. Her name is Lola and she got restored, customized and painted a beautiful dusty mauve. That is Lola’s picture at the top of the page!

Another thing that happens to me is I win stuff. I win stuff on a regular basis and it is usually something I neither need nor want. If there is a raffle and I have donated one of the prizes, I’ll be damned if I don’t win the prize I donated. I have won the same prize 3 times in one month!!!  I finally stopped donating it as a prize at the car shows and took it home and put it in the garage. It obviously wanted to stay with me. I was having a conversation about this with someone and asked them “Why do I win all this stuff, why can’t I win something practical like money?” We both laughed. Later that same evening I won a small but significant amount of money and continued to win money for the next two months. So I guess I just need to ask the universe questions and laugh about them.

Some of you know that I had a wonderful relationship that ended when my husband, Howard, passed away last year. I have signed up with an online dating site recently and I am not enjoying the whole process all that much. It is like window shopping for a relationship at Canadian Tire. I might have better luck if I hung out at the store! I’ll stand in front of the store with a placard and oh never mind. Anyway, you see a picture of a person if they even bother to post one. Gentlemen, find a friend with a cell phone and ask them to take your picture. It is not hard to put a picture online! When you do put one up, please make it a recent one!!!!! Sorry, it had to be said. So, you see their picture, there are some basic statistics and a little write up called a profile which tells you everything about them and absolutely nothing of value. I made mine a little weird cause that’s the way I roll. I don’t know how to navigate my way through these dating waters anymore. I know it works, the eharmony guy says so. That is also how I met Howard. So, I asked the universe why can’t this work for me twice and why can’t I have a relationship that is even better than I dreamed possible and then I laughed.  Oh Shit!

 

 

Hug people, lots and lots of people

Love ya, Donna

Honestly Folks

It is 5 am and I am curled up in my chair.  My favourite yellow mug is full of coffee, the fire is going and the thinking has begun.  Not quite sure why I like to write so early in the morning, but for now I will work with that.  I was just thinking about honesty.  Mainly because I have signed up with an online dating site or two and everyone puts that as one of their must haves when it comes to the person they are looking for.  Top two things people are looking for in a relationship on-line are honesty and a sense of humour.  I think honest people must have a great sense of humour just to deal with being honest and people’s responses to it.  I have been told I am a little too honest, if there can be such a thing.  I think what people really mean is that they don’t like what I have to say.  You want my honest opinion on something?  Okay, but now this is where the problems start.  I have trouble wrapping it in a fancy package and making it all pretty with bows and shiny things. I have tried to filter my words but that doesn’t work so well because if my mouth doesn’t give me away my facial expression does.

Now I’m not mean about it, unless the other person is trying to push their own agenda, I have no patience for people who have to be right and think their way of living is the only way. I repeat the words wow and really a lot while I listen to them!  For example: I had someone say to me that they were shocked that such a spiritual person as myself would eat meat.  Now to make it clear, this was not the only thing they critiqued about me that didn’t fit within their belief system. So I looked at them and said “my food poops on your food!”  Not the classiest thing to say, I will admit.  However, I had enough for one day from the self righteous human being standing before me.   You want to swing naked from a tree in your backyard I will cheer you on, you want to be a vegan that’s great!  I eat lots of vegetarian dishes and love food but I don’t try to force my diet, spiritual beliefs or any other belief for that matter on anyone else.

Let me backtrack to the online dating. Some people were shocked that I would want to date so soon after Howard passed away.  I don’t have the energy to defend every one of my choices.  Most of the time I am happy to just let people think what they want.  They are going to anyway regardless of what I say.  However, I do explain my reasoning just to put forth the idea that people need to do things in a way and time that is right for them and if I think I am ready to date then I am ready.  Some people were horrified but only the ones who don’t know me well. My family and close friends all cheered me on and said good for you!!!  I even talked to one friend, jokingly of course, about setting me up with her father. Then we spent an hour laughing about me becoming her stepmother. I just know that some day, when I least expect it, she will call me Mom in public to try and embarrass me. Wait till she hears the response I have planned!

Did you know that a lot of people think you should wait a year after someone’s death to make any major decisions or lifestyle changes?  Howard did you hear that?  I know he would be laughing and shaking his head.  I met Howard through an on-line dating service less than two months after his first wife passed away. We dated for 3 weeks and moved in together the week after that! People were shocked, judgemental and opinionated.  They were also very willing to share their thoughts.  If you have read any of my other posts you know what I was thinking, thank you for sharing but please fuck off.  We did not care what they thought and spent the next 11 years laughing.  Besides, what the hell am I supposed to do for a whole year?  Life is short and I don’t have a year to sit around waiting to make decisions.

Okay, back to honesty.  I think a lot of people who say they want you to be honest really want you to tell them something that agrees with what they believe to be the “truth.”  People want the nice packaging with all the frills.  I have realized that I need to be more gentle when voicing my honest opinion and keep my opinions to myself unless they are asked for when it comes to anyone else’s life.  My baby sister just yelled bullshit to that!

I have spent some time with someone that I met on-line and he has access to these posts if he so chooses.  That is up to him.  I have also started to get to know someone else who lives too far away to meet in person at the moment.  He can also access these posts if he chooses to.  Again, entirely up to him.  I am an open book and I figure if one of them still wants to spend time with me or get to know me better after reading my blog and Facebook posts that is wonderful and brave and makes my heart melt a little!  I have no expectations of any kind. They are getting a glimpse of Donna live and unfiltered which is the only way I know how to be.  I do, however, want and need a significant someone in my life who has the courage to be vulnerable and love me with their heart wide open.  Honestly, that is all I have ever really wanted from anyone.  To hell with fancy packages, just show me what is inside.

Hug people and animals and trees! Oh yes, please don’t kill spiders!

Love ya,Donna