Vaginal Angst

My idea of the perfect relationship at this point in my life sounds something like this. I have my own home, they have their own home and we can each have toiletries and a few changes of clothing at each other’s homes. I want to have my own space and I also want to have a full on mind and heart filled relationship. I don’t think that is too much to ask for, do you? At this point I don’t want to live in the same house with anyone day in and day out. Hell, I don’t even think we need to live in the same city. Travel with them sure, spend lots of time together that is great, them getting to have a say in every choice I make, I am not so sure about that. I am open to changing my mind about it however.

I had a friend stop by for coffee today and he had his seventy something father with him. Both are sweet gentlemen that are not afraid of conversation with an outspoken female who talks about anything but the weather. We are all single and had a wonderful conversation about relationships. When I told them what my idea was the father piped up and said “right on, that is exactly what I am doing.” I almost fell out of my chair with glee and actually told him if only there wasn’t a 20 plus years age difference between us he would be mine! 

Now I don’t want you to get the impression that I have anything against members of the opposite sex. I do not and I know a number of wonderful men. Most of them just happen to be happily married to friends of mine or in a relationship with someone they adore. I like men, they are fun to look at. I particularly like the angles of their faces and the way they move. I don’t even care if they are handsome by societal standards, I like their faces! I especially like a face that is lived in, one with some character. I love it when their eyes crinkle up when they smile. I don’t like pretty men, yes I said it!  I am not proud of it, but there it is. I don’t trust pretty men. I certainly don’t want to date a man who is so vain it takes them forever to get ready. I am a no make up kind of woman who is out the door from the start of my shower to grabbing my car keys in 40 minutes or less. I should tell you that it takes me 10 minutes to find my keys on an average day. I don’t worry about what the wind and weather are doing to my hair, I have more important things to think about.

I think about how far we can take a conversation on religious beliefs, what men think about when they are sitting in the passenger seat of my car, what their opinion is on reincarnation, what they think was the reason for the breakdown of their last relationship, or have they ever seen a Sasquatch! I think about everything but my hair and lack of make up. I have nice hair, I like it. It is straight, falls to my shoulders and is naturally streaked. It is easy to look after and my hair stylist will not let me chop it all off because I look like a small elf when my hair is short!

Having said all of the above, being single at 53 scares me a bit. I don’t know if I will find anyone who will love me and put up with my crazy shit. I am hopeful that there is someone out there who thinks I am delightful and finds my antics amusing. I love teasing banter and would hope they do as well. Otherwise, they are just going to feel picked on. I have decided to call this my vaginal angst stage of life. So the next time someone says, “What is up with her?” You can say “Vaginal angst, isn’t she adorable?” and walk away.

Dedicated to Arkemedes
Peace and love to all

Donna

On the 8th day she rested.

 

Well it has been an interesting week! I had some type of awakening sitting in my chair waiting for the coffee to brew one morning and the next day I started writing a blog and sharing some very personal things with the online world. I know, what the hell was I thinking? You must know that I have not written anything longer than a poem ( in the last 14 years) before I had this great idea to start a blog. I have attempted to journal in the past but putting my thoughts on paper just did not appeal to me. When I need to express my thoughts and feelings,  I usually talk to a friend. There is something about sharing that helps me in ways journaling never has. Journaling is like talking to myself and I find that I do not get the release or relief that I need from it. I think the world needs people to share their stories more. We all have a story. I am not talking about fictional stories, I want to know what makes you, well you. My blog is a symbolic way for me to talk to the universe! I want and need to connect with other people and sometimes think those connections are the only thing keeping me remotely sane. My friends would say it’s not working cause I am still walking on the crazy side of the street. Who the hell would want to be normal? Normal is for those people who are too afraid to live and show the world their freaky side. I am embracing the freak! Not only do I embrace my inner freak, I embrace yours!

In some ways I think a poem that I wrote is what started this adventure and helped me release some of the self imposed restraints that were choking me to death. Here is my poem. It has no title and I have no desire to give it one, who needs labels!

Embrace the dark and broken pieces of your soul
Your strength is born of the scars
and the fire that burns and shapes, burns and shapes.
Dance among the flames until nothing remains
but the warm grey ash of who you once were.
In your heart are the embers of the ones who danced before you
The oceans are filled and the earth is cleansed
with their tears of sorrow and joy.
Let go, release yourself to the wind and trust, just trust
Love and dreams are carried through the air
and the sun shines fresh light upon the earth
Dance new spirit, fast, strong and full of heat
on this path forged from the fires of us all.

Now, we could analyze that poem to death. I have analyzed many poems written by people with far greater talent than myself.  I want to know how the poem made you feel. Did you feel anything? I am on a mission to encourage people (myself included) to think more with their heart and less with their head. Poetry can help with that because it is all symbolic and well shit, lots of poetry does not make an ounce of sense to my mind. But poetry speaks to my heart, not my mind! My mind wants rules, likes to put things in little categories, line things up and make everything neat and tidy. My heart is more wild, messy, loves to dance with other people and loves for the sheer joy of it! My head is full of fears, insecurities, problems, and anxiety so why would I want to view life from there.

Three cheers for the people who have the courage to live from their heart! They have blazed a trail for the rest of us who are starting to wake up and what a beautiful trail it is. I am tired today so I think I am just going to laze around the house, read a book, eat some healthy food and drink tea. I think I am tired from the awakening I had last week. I think I gave birth to myself that day and that is hard work! So on the 8th day I am going to rest.

Peace and love to all
xoxoxo
Donna

Green Cadillacs

If you happened to read my post yesterday you know I wrote about being set up by the universe. If you didn’t read it, do it now, I don’t want to explain it again this early in the morning. Well, this didn’t just happen to me once, this happens to me all the time! Set up again and again and again. Be careful what you pray for, wish for, or the thoughts you put out there, cause the universe is listening. Even if you forget all about it, your wishes are still floating around out there and the universe never forgets. When I say set up, it is not necessarily a bad thing unless you don’t have the ability to laugh at yourself or the curve balls that life throws your way

Someone told me a story about a woman who for years wished for a green Cadillac. It was her dream car and she was determined to have one in her life. One evening she is sitting in her favourite chair watching television and wham ( yes, my sound effects need work) a car had crashed right through the wall of her living room and there it was, a green Cadillac. When I heard this I thought to myself, dumb woman, she needed to be more specific with her wishes.

To make life more interesting not only does the universe never forget, it also has a wicked sense of humour!  Here is my car story. I wanted a vintage Chevy and I loved cars and trucks from the early 50’s. It just so happened that the man I loved restored vintage cars so this was going to be a breeze. I looked at a number of old Chevys and some were in horrible shape, someone bought it just before I got there or something else happened to prevent me from finding a car. What in the hell was going on here? I thought, shit, I would have an easier time finding a green Cadillac and laughed it off. Well one month later that is exactly what I ended up with a 1951 green Cadillac. I fell in love with her curves and attitude. Her name is Lola and she got restored, customized and painted a beautiful dusty mauve. That is Lola’s picture at the top of the page!

Another thing that happens to me is I win stuff. I win stuff on a regular basis and it is usually something I neither need nor want. If there is a raffle and I have donated one of the prizes, I’ll be damned if I don’t win the prize I donated. I have won the same prize 3 times in one month!!!  I finally stopped donating it as a prize at the car shows and took it home and put it in the garage. It obviously wanted to stay with me. I was having a conversation about this with someone and asked them “Why do I win all this stuff, why can’t I win something practical like money?” We both laughed. Later that same evening I won a small but significant amount of money and continued to win money for the next two months. So I guess I just need to ask the universe questions and laugh about them.

Some of you know that I had a wonderful relationship that ended when my husband, Howard, passed away last year. I have signed up with an online dating site recently and I am not enjoying the whole process all that much. It is like window shopping for a relationship at Canadian Tire. I might have better luck if I hung out at the store! I’ll stand in front of the store with a placard and oh never mind. Anyway, you see a picture of a person if they even bother to post one. Gentlemen, find a friend with a cell phone and ask them to take your picture. It is not hard to put a picture online! When you do put one up, please make it a recent one!!!!! Sorry, it had to be said. So, you see their picture, there are some basic statistics and a little write up called a profile which tells you everything about them and absolutely nothing of value. I made mine a little weird cause that’s the way I roll. I don’t know how to navigate my way through these dating waters anymore. I know it works, the eharmony guy says so. That is also how I met Howard. So, I asked the universe why can’t this work for me twice and why can’t I have a relationship that is even better than I dreamed possible and then I laughed.  Oh Shit!

 

 

Hug people, lots and lots of people

Love ya, Donna

Ramdom Shit and Leaping

 

I turned the television on last night around nine o’clock and turned it off after ten minutes. I had no interest in anything they offered on any of the two hundred plus channels and spent the entire 10 minutes scrolling through the channel guide. So then I picked up a book and just could not get interested in that either. Maybe because it was fiction and I am focusing on what is real and alive, maybe not. You have to understand that books have been my candy since my mother taught me to read. If Mom offered me a choice of chocolate ( which I happen to love) or a book, I would pick the book every time. A chocolate bar would be gone and happily settled in my stomach within 2 minutes but a book would transport me to another world for a few hours. I love books! I like their weight and shape, the smell of a new book and the texture of the pages. Yes, I am the person you see fanning the pages and smelling the books in the store! I am just a wee bit odd. I even thought about having a square of caramel covered in dark chocolate with a sprinkle of sea salt. Then I remembered that my 53 year old body would not sleep if I ate it that late at night. No coffee, chocolate, or other stimulants after 4pm and no food after 7pm. If I eat anything after 7 pm I have nightmares, jeez nightmares are for kids!

Apparently what I am interested in is sitting at the computer and writing about feelings, life, heartache, joy and other shit. Well, my life has not turned out the way I expected. I thought I would be married with a few grown children who would bless me with grandchildren and grow old, safe in the bosom of my family. No, instead I am sitting here by myself in a house that seems too big and empty, pouring my heart out to strangers that most likely will remain strangers. Oh, don’t feel bad for me. I am not unhappy or lonely. I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I have at any other point in my life. I just never expected to be alone when I arrived here.

I am beginning to suspect that once I turned 50 some parts of me started getting younger while physically I am aging. Like a child I go to bed early and get up really early. Sugar and caffeine make me jittery. I say what I want and do what I want. I spend most of my time playing. I take naps in the afternoon. I have to make bathroom stops frequently. My attention span is shorter. I get distracted easily, oh look a squirrel! I have no concept of time and am shocked when I look at the clock and realize it is time for bed. My skin is getting softer. I like simple food. I cry more and laugh more too. The thing I have always wanted to try that children can get away with is having a temper tantrum in the middle of the bank. Scream this line up is too long and the service sucks while I stamp my feet and cry loud enough to make people cover their ears. That would be hilarious! I posted a quote on Facebook this morning by Brendon Burchard that says, “I would rather be a hot mess of bold action, a make-it happen-learn-on-the-fly kind of person than a perfectly organized coward.” Now, I have no idea who this man is but I liked what he said.  I don’t for a minute think that all organized people are cowards, just anal control freaks.

Let me tell you a secret, it’s not much of a secret anymore but what the hell. Some people would say (and they have, right to my face) I seem like an organized person who has their shit together. This usually makes me laugh because I am not organized and have lived my entire life figuring things out as I go. I started a business because I couldn’t find a bag I liked to carry my yoga mat in. I had no intention of starting a business and the next thing I know I am ordering stock for a store and creating a website.  What I didn’t know was that the universe was setting me up. Yup, it set me up! Me having that store introduced me to hundreds perhaps thousands of people over the five years and a number of them have become my closest friends. I started a business and found my tribe, the people who would be with me through some of the best and worst times of my life. The people who love me and help me celebrate the weird and wonderful woman I have become.  I never did find that bag!

So to all you efficient and organized people out there. Let your hair down, leave the dishes in the sink (they will still be there when you get home) go outside and meander aimlessly and let the universe lead you by your heart down the rabbit hole even if it is just for a day. You may be surprised by what you will find.  I am glad that I have the ability to leap into the unknown with my eyes wide open and a huge woohoo  from my soul.  Some of the best moments in my life have come from that, some of the best people too.  I have no idea how to get this font back to the original size, sorry.

 

Be brave and leap but don’t be stupid.  Stupid ends up on with a cameo  appearance on television or youtube.

Love you all, Donna