Category: relationships

Love and Shit

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Yesterday was the first day of summer and I am back home on Vancouver Island. The sun was shining and my guy picked me up at the airport on Sunday with a huge smile on his face and big hug that lifted me off my feet. No one has ever picked me up at the airport with so much joy and it made me melt a little, it made me feel loved. Today, Tuesday, finds me awake at 4:30am suffering from a bit of jet lag as my internal clock tries to sort out the time change. So, I sit here on a comfortable sofa wrapped in a purple blanket waiting for the coffee to perk in the French press and feeling the need to write. You would think that someone who writes so much would have a way with words when talking to people, this is not the case for me. I stumble as I try to speak from my heart and I can be as awkward as a newborn colt when it comes to expressing my feelings. I worry about things and I worry a lot. Sarcasm and joking around are easy for me, serious discussions not so much. I don’t like being vulnerable.
One of the reasons I don’t like letting people know how important they or something else is to me stems from how people have used those things against me in the past. I have also come to the conclusion that I cannot let the past, regardless of how it turned out, write my future. You cannot approach life or people the same way time and time again expecting different results. I realize that everything I say on this blog has been said by countless others. The truth of these statements, as old and worn as they are, has withstood the test of time and then sometimes regardless of the truth of things, the heart of things, shit happens. Shit you were not expecting. I also want to point out that shit helps things grow. So it doesn’t matter whether your glass is half full or half empty the truth is, it is still half a glass. Your viewpoint of the truth is the important thing.

I know that I can ramble on sometimes, but this is the way my mind works. One thought leads to another and the point comes out at the end, if there is a point. I don’t know what the point of this blog is. I know it has helped me tremendously in dealing with my grief and growth. I hope it has made a small difference for someone else even if it is only that they realize that someone has had the same thoughts or fears and they don’t feel so alone in this vast world of disconnectedness. We have vast amount of information at our fingertips but we are all lost in that sea of data looking at a small screen and not noticing the people or events taking place right in front of us. We excel at being disconnected when the only important thing is our connections with others. But, in order to connect you have to open up, let people in and work through the difficulties together.

When I started this relationship with the wonderful man who picked me up at the airport, I wanted someone to do things with. I was essentially looking for a friend with benefits. I did not think any further than that. I have written blog posts about what I want in a relationship and this man is quite aware of my aversion to marriage or living with someone and all the other things that I have written about. He has read my blog and he has listened to me when we have a conversation. He and I are similar in some respects. We both have a weakness for antiques and rusty old cars, sushi, reading, music, coffee chocolate etc etc. We are also very different in the way we view the world and move through it and there is nothing wrong with that. We have much to learn from each other and are inadvertently helping each other refine our perspective and grow. What I was not expecting was this relationship becoming so much more than I had originally intended. I am not going to throw the love word out there simply because I think it is misused and misunderstood. That word holds great meaning for me and I do not use it lightly. Anyone can say the word, few actually mean it in its purest sense.  This man has helped me fall in love with life again and I cannot imagine my world without him in it. I am grateful that he is part of my life and hope he feels the same way.

One of the professors in an English lit class ,yes this was years ago but I have never forgotten it, asked us who had the most to lose in a relationship. I could not come up with an answer. His answer was the person who loves the most. I disagreed with that then and I still disagree with it now. How can you love too much unless the meaning of the word is twisted and warped in your heart. To me the word love is about acceptance, truth, it has a softness and warmth to it. Just looked the word up on line and in my opinion none of the definitions come close to explaining love. Some describe it as a feeling of deep affection, a strong attraction to another person that may include a sexual attraction. I think they, in their definition, have only scratched the surface and in trying to define it have reduced it and taken something away. For me love is never grasping or confining it is about letting go. Letting go of your expectations, letting go of the need to be right and letting go of the person if that is what is needed. When you let go love has some room to enter your heart. When you let go there is space for another person in your heart. So let go, open your heart and watch the magic happen.
Hope you all have a wonder filled day

Plant some flowers for the bees, they need our help and 

our very lives depend on them

Donna

Know Who You Are

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I have witnessed three beautiful sunrises this week from the east coast of Canada. I am in Halifax, where I was born and spent the first 23 years of my life. The city has changed so much I barely recognize it. I have lived on the west coast for more than 24 years so I have officially spent more time there. I still refer to Halifax as home. For us east coasters our roots run deep. If we meet people anywhere in the world and they are also from the east coast there is an instant bond, a shared understanding of a culture and way of being in the world. I love the accent that rolls off tongues in that sing song drawl and can recognize it wherever I am. The accent will vary depending on whether you are from a big city, or one of the smaller towns which each seem to put their own twist on a way of speaking. For now, I just want to sit and listen to the people speak. I find comfort in those familiar patterns of speech from my childhood.
I woke up at 4:30 am this morning listening to the birds sing the beginning of the day into existence and even they sing a song that is different now. I lay in my borrowed bed comparing them to the bird songs of the west, unable to identify any but the crows. I am hoping to see a blue jay while I am here, they hold a special significance for me and they don’t exist on Vancouver island. We have jays on the island but the Stellar Jays of the west are slightly different. The eastern jays are brighter in colour and slightly smaller, though their screech is very similar. This trip has me comparing many things between the east of my childhood and the west of my adulthood.
I did think about moving east after Howard left this earth. I spent hours looking through the real estate listings and dreaming about a waterfront home along the Atlantic. My heart is in the west now though, with the people who have come to mean so much to me. I call them my soul family. I fit there amongst the cedars, bald eagles, mild weather and the laid back lifestyle of small town Sooke. I belong there now. Perhaps I had to leave there to know that. I wish I had the ability to be in two places at the same time. I just started laughing cause the word bicoastal ran through my mind. I am bicoastal!
When I arrived at my sisters home and unpacked my suitcase I found a note from the special man in my life. This man was kind enough to wake up at 3:30 am to drive me to the airport, I think he likes me. This small note brought tears to my eyes and melted my heart. His presence in my life has helped me to wake up parts of myself that have been dormant for a very long time. I thank the universe for him every day and appreciate the fact that he has the strength to walk beside me and encourages me to grow, heal, and live my dreams. His note was a little reminder of all that is waiting for me when I return. This was a trip of necessity, I needed to revisit the past and make peace with it to move forward with clarity and purpose. I needed to remember who I am. So, today I am going to visit with some of my cousins. I am looking forward to reconnecting with them and getting to know them again. They too will help me remember who I am.  
So while I was away living my life on the west coast the east coast has changed. I guess time stood still in my mind and I expected things to be the same. We change and grow and places change and grow. I am not the same person that left Nova Scotia many years ago. This trip has confirmed one thing for me, while the east will always be part of me I belong among the cedars of the west.  I have also learned that you need to know and understand the past to move in a different way into the future. Learn from the past but don’t dwell there or live from there, learn from it . Know who you are. Live your life with no regrets, just live!
Love to all

Donna

No Strings

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

I am sitting once again in my slightly soiled chair with a coffee beside me in my sunny yellow mug. It is five thirty in the morning and the birds are singing the sun up with cheerful little songs. It has all the makings of a wonderful day even though I have only had about four hours sleep. I had trouble settling down last night. There were a few things weighing on my mind and my heart. I have started making plans and dreaming and low and behold the universe throws a few curve balls at me just to see if I am paying attention and waits to see how I will handle it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where certain events in your life become clear in their meaning. I had one of those moments last night and I have to admit that it scared me a little. Actually my response was “well shit.” It reminded me that certain things are beyond my control. I can say I want this, I don’t want that till the cows come home and the universe in its wisdom will give me what I need. I never expected to fall in love with my life again, I never expected to feel or experience so much joy and peace again. Some of the best moments of my life have happened when I was not expecting it.

So I had a moment of clarity and it scared me. I am not sure scared is the right word. Perhaps it is more being unsure with a tiny bit of fear thrown in. I don’t know where this path will lead but I trust in the universe to guide me along and in the meantime will set the fear aside. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but I have had a few visions of the future and they do not coincide with what I thought I wanted. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Do not be so tied to what you want and don’t want that you miss the wonderful people and opportunities right in front of you. Be flexible with your how your mind and heart respond to the events and people in your life. Be teachable.

I have ideas about how I would like things to be and have expressed a large number of those ideas on this blog. One thing that I do know for certain is that as long as I let my heart rule over my mind life is as it should be. The minute I start over thinking things and second guessing every decision, fears settles in and my mind gains control. Fear versus love the eternal struggle for control. So the universe is putting people and situations in my path to see if I can actually live what I say. Anyone can say anything, but can they back it up with action. The universe is saying enough talk Donna lets see some action.

So, I have said numerous times that it is all about living with your heart wide open. But what does that really mean to me? It is about others not about me. For one of the first times in my life, I have led a very self-centered life up to this point, the happiness of others comes before my own. I want the people around me to know what it means to be loved for just being them, no strings attached. I want to bring peace and joy with me everywhere I go and spread that around. I want the people in my life to know that they are appreciated and that I truly see them for who they are and that they are more than enough. I thought I knew what love was. The universe has shown me lately that I have only danced around the edges of it in the past. Well shit!

Have a bliss filled day
Hug people
Donna

Kitchens of Love and Laughter

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Woke up this morning at 5:30 to a wet world that smells so fresh.  It rained during the night and the birds were singing enthusiastically this morning in celebration.  We have not had much rain this spring and us locals usually call our home the Wet Coast.  I love the sunny weather we are having, but (I can’t believe I am saying this) I miss the rain. It gives me an excuse to stay home and curl up with a good book and a glass of tea.

Cooked supper for friends last night and I realized how much I missed a kitchen full of people laughing, talking and eating together.  I have lived my life in self imposed isolation for so long that I forgot what it was like to be surrounded by people.  I am looking forward to buying a new home and cooking for friends.  I love to cook and try new recipes.  Well, I read recipes for inspiration then do my own thing.  I have never been great at following directions!  Some of my best memories involve being in someone’s kitchen with a group of friends.  I spent a lot of time in other people’s kitchens while growing up, playing cards, making music,eating, drinking and laughing.  So I spent the night at a friend’s house and am writing this morning at their kitchen island.  There is much food and laughter shared around this island.  I also have come to realize that this kitchen and the people in it have become a huge part of my life and my healing.  The kitchens of my past were filled with love and laughter and I know the kitchens of my future will be as well.

I am going to pay more attention to kitchens.  I think they truly are the heart of the home. Pay attention to what goes on in your own kitchen as this could be a barometer for the atmosphere of your home.  I like a tidy kitchen, it doesn’t have to be spotless but tidy and organized without a doubt.  I cannot cook in a messy kitchen.  I do have to admit that I have wanted to organize the kitchen for a few people and have even done it once.  I don’t really care if your kitchen is messy, it is your kitchen.  I do not judge you based on the condition of your kitchen.  It is your heart that captures me.  I watch how you treat other people, your family, and see how willing you are to laugh at yourself and the life stuff that is tossed your way.  If you have heart I don’t care how tidy your house is.

Just got a text message with a tarot card for the day from the Osho Zen tarot deck.  Oddly enough, the card was isolation but they spell it ice-olation.  My self imposed isolation was in a sense like being encased in a block of ice and my friends both old and new are contributing to my melting and merging back into a warm and caring community.  They are helping me find myself again. This is a family, the people who feed my body and soul.  Family is so much more than just blood relatives. Family is also the people you choose to spend time with that nurture your spirit and encourage you to be the best you possible.  I hope that in some small way I do the same for them, they mean the world to me.

So, as I sit here beside a fish named George pondering the significance of kitchens and families, I am filled with warm memories and heated hopes and desires.  There is fire in my soul once again and while I do not know what the future holds for me I am full of excited anticipation like a small child on Christmas morning.  Everyday brings more light and clarity of heart.  You have given me the space to heal and for that I thank you and give you the biggest and warmest hug.  Thank you for allowing me to find myself again.  If you ever get to Vancouver Island send a message, perhaps we can get together in the kitchen of my new home and fill it with food, companionship and wild hearted laughter.  I am looking forward to it.  Peace and love to all of you.

Hug trees and please don’t kill spiders

Donna

 

 

The Heart Knows

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I woke up yesterday morning with a new energy and renewed spirit. This was a much welcomed change. I haven’t been feeling down the last few weeks, it was more of a flat feeling if that makes any sense. So, I have been pondering this change in my energy and trying to uncover what it is. What is at the root of it. I would have to say that it stems from my heart. What is really interesting is that it spreads out and touches the people I come in contact with. You know that saying smile and the whole world smiles with you? Well, it is true. If you live from your heart people cannot help but respond to you from theirs. It is contagious in a good way. Sure there are still some people who do not seem to have a heart to respond with but it is in there. It may be hardened and dried up a little but love them anyway. One thing I have a gift for is cracking the tough shell of cranky old men and old women for that matter. I love the cranky ones and always have. When I worked in a nursing home my coworkers would ask me why a certain patient was so nice to me and so mean to everyone else. I told them it was because I loved them and they knew it! On some level people can see through the bullshit and know who has a heart and isn’t afraid to use it.
I just had a flashback to a vision I had about my life when I was a child. I will just say that my relationship with my Mom was not an easy one, she was hard to love. The universe gave me the opportunity to look at all the interactions I had with my Mom and how different things could have been for her if I had responded to her with love instead of through my fears. I was also shown how different things would have been for me. Until you learn the lesson the universe keeps putting the same issues in front of you until you deal with it. The people may change and the situation my change but it is the same issue over and over. Since I chose to respond to people from my heart instead of my head, that dark space where the fear lurks, life has changed dramatically. Do I still have fears? Oh yeah baby I still have fears, I am merely human. But I have chosen to respond with love despite my fears and insecurities.
When we tell ourselves things like, I always have trouble expressing myself or I will never get along with my brother, we are reinforcing that idea. Someone told me to change the way I said things and I would start to notice changes. What I did was put the words in the past in front of these statements. In the past I never got along with my brother. This leaves the future open to a different outcome. So regardless of what you have struggled with in the past that is where it belongs, do not let your past experiences dictate the future. That small change in the way I spoke had a huge impact. I now try to choose my words more carefully. The answer to all of our troubles is always inside us. Someone I know was talking about his disastrous relationships. Two failed marriages were weighing on his heart and mind. I kindly pointed out that the only thing all of his relationships had in common was him. Then we both burst out laughing! When I realized that I had the solutions to any problem inside my own heart and accepted ownership of the issue and the solution my entire perspective changed. I make it sound easy, but it was not. It took a lot of work both internal and external. Fortunately the universe kept testing my new found skills and helped me hone them. Do I love everyone? No I do not, I treat them with kindness and compassion but I do not give them much time or waste my energy on them. I do say a little prayer for them though.
I have someone in my life who I really enjoy spending time with. I am out of my comfort zone sometimes with this person, but I do not let that stop me from getting to know them or interacting with them heart wide open. The world is a better place because they are in it and they make my soul want to dance. I enjoy them for who they are at this moment and all their little quirks and idiosyncrasies. I have fears, but will be damned if I am going to let them dictate this relationship or any other one. My past is not going to colour the future. I have wiped the slate clean and the future is only full of possibilities. Perhaps it is easy for me to do this because the life I had ended abruptly. I am not sure. All I know is that I take each day as it comes and try to deal with any issues as they come up. I have the answers inside my heart. What do you want out of a relationship? Do you want acceptance? Then give that to the other person. Whatever it is that you want, that is what you have to give. Simple isn’t it? 
I stopped for a minute to refill my coffee and had a vision of my heart. When you think of someone’s heart the colour red comes to mind for most of us. Well, I will tell you a secret, the colour of my heart is blue. It is a calm peaceful blue like a clean clear ocean warmed by the summer sun. It is liquid like the ocean too, the colours change in depth and swirl and shift and swell. Can you see it? Can you feel it? Well, my warm blue heart wishes you a love filled day and please don’t let fear stop you from having the life and relationships you want to have. Get out there and open your heart to the world. I promise you will not regret it!

Much love to all

Donna

Underneath the Towel

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The urge to write this morning got me out of bed at 5:45.  This has not happened for a while so I thought I would take advantage of it.  I am sitting in my slightly soiled chair with my yellow mug of steaming coffee and life is good.  Oh good, the colour of my coffee mug reminded me that I wanted to tell you about this tree that sits beside the path to my door. This tree has beautiful hanging golden blossoms, almost like a wisteria, and when I walked by it yesterday it was literally buzzing.  I realized that the tree was filled with hundreds of bees, yes hundreds of bees working amongst the flowers.  Despite the fact that I am deathly allergic to stings, I love bees and their contribution to life on this planet.  Without bees we cannot survive for long. So allergy or not I smile every time I pass this tree and am grateful for it and the bees.

The bees also remind me of productivity and being part of a group working towards a greater whole.  Every bee counts!  While the bees pollinate the planet and bring beautiful life to this world, for me they can also mean death.  Just like everything and every person on the planet there is more than one aspect to everything.  Bees are so much more than just pollinators.  Just like we are so much more than the labels we have constructed.  The other thing that it brings to mind is how much we as people drag our past with us into the present and the future.  We base our expectations of and our interactions with others on our past experiences with others.  People betrayed your trust so now you don’t trust anyone.  Your heart was broken so now you guard it and don’t share it fully with anyone, after all they are just going to break it right?

I say fuck the past!  Some of that stuff was not fun to live through so why in the hell would I want approach the world and other people based on it.  Have I been betrayed, lied to, had my heart broken, been manipulated, gossiped about and had my life threatened?  Yes, yes I have.  The biggest gift the universe has given me is choice.  Regardless of what has happened in my past I have the ability to choose how I will respond.  So the day I started this blog in January, that is the day that I wiped the slate clean.  I decided to treat everyone I meet with an open heart and unconditional acceptance.  If I have an issue with someone I look inside myself not at them.  Oh there are some assholes out there and while I meet them with love and acceptance I also realize that some people are difficult to like let alone love and I don’t waste much time on them.

For example, if someone in my life does something and I find myself getting annoyed or pissed off I take a few minutes and sit with that feeling.  I get intimate with it so I can see what is really going on.  What lies underneath?  What the other person did was only a trigger for something else.  I am talking about the little things here.  The little things that people do that annoy you and drive you crazy.  You know, leaving the cap off the toothpaste, wet towels on the floor, never being on time, etc. etc.  They are little things in the grand scheme of things.  You choose to make them big things for reasons that have nothing to do with the acts themselves.  It is what lies beneath the towel on the floor that drives you crazy.  What that towel on the floor represents and brings up for you is the issue.  Look at that.  The universe sends us signs and symbols all the time to help us understand our true purpose.  Perhaps the towel is one of them.  The universe constantly reflects things back to us.  If the cap off the toothpaste represents a lack of respect or care then perhaps the universe is reflecting how that person feels inside.  Are you respecting them and treating them with love and care?

Now for the big things!  Yup, life and people have thrown some shitty things my way.  Despite the fact that I have been lied to and betrayed, I am not afraid to risk my heart.  To me it is harder to keep it guarded and closed off because that just makes me miserable.  What I find difficult is being judged by the ghosts of other peoples past.  If I am angry or upset by something I will tell you.  I won’t make you guess and I do not play games or make snide remarks.  People have done that to you before, I understand that.  I can also see through it and know what lies underneath simply because I look.  I look and I feel and I remember what it was like when it happened to me.

There are a number of things going on here.  I treat other people the way I would like to be treated plain and simple.  If I am not capable of giving something I am also not capable of receiving it.  Like attracts like.  If you want love treat those around you with love.  Not all of them are going to reciprocate because not all of them are capable of it.  Accept that and move on.  Move forward and surround yourself with the people who are capable.  Look inward for the source of your troubles because the only consistent thing in all of your relationships is you!  The changes must start within before they can move out into the world and the world responds in kind.

So, what happens when you look underneath the towel?  You see much more than a wet floor!  You see your own vulnerability, your fears, your unmet desires, your regrets and it bothers you.  It bothers you and it bothers you until you deal with what lies beneath the towel.  Once you do, you can deal with the towel itself.  Then you can get rid of the towel and dance naked with the other happy fools who had the strength and courage to deal with the towels in their life.
Much love to you all

Donna

It’s All About Love

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Have not wanted to write much lately. This usually happens when I have too many things to process. Information keeps flooding in from the universe and sometimes it takes me a little while to work through and integrate this new knowledge into my being. I was also thinking about the way I write. I use plain language and have a difficult time fancying it up. That is just the way I am in life. I like things simple and do not trust things when they come wrapped in fancy packages, it distracts from the real purpose. When the writing is full of big words and ideas I find it difficult to get to the heart of what the writer is trying to say. It’s as if the words (and author) dance around the subject without getting to the point. I like getting to the point!

There are some things I am uncomfortable writing about. I know, this statement coming from the girl who writes about some very personal things sounds bizarre.  One thing that is very important in my life is the universe and spirit. During meditation last night I had a strange encounter with a beautiful male blue heron. He was in front of me in the water with his wings spread wide moving his feet in a dance with great joy. I walked up to the heron and placed my forehead against his and he continued to dance in place. I knew this was some form of mating ritual. Now, whether herons have one I do not know, but this is how it felt. Our foreheads touching we danced and at some point it was as if we melded together and became one. I could feel the breeze in my wing feathers and the strength in my long delicate legs. I felt so much love coming from this great bird that is was amazing. No other thing, just love. That is the message he had for me, it is all about love.

Love with no strings attached is a beautiful thing. Have you ever experienced love without strings? I have, though it is rarely from people. I love trees, all trees, but I do not ask them to be anything other than a tree. I do not think, now if that tree was only 6 inches taller or a little greener that would the perfect tree for me. No strings attached to my love of trees, water, nature or people. My love is given freely without strings. Well most of the time, I am still a work in progress! We enter into relationships with people, animals, businesses etc to satisfy our needs. If we are clear about our needs that is great. I do believe that some people do not have a clear idea of why they do anything. Having said that, relationships with those people can be tricky or difficult. One time I was talking to a friend about a problem I was having with someone in my life. Their solution was to pray for them. My allergy to religion and my mindset at that point rebelled and I asked if God bless the bastard counted as a prayer cause that was about all I was capable of. He said that did not count as a prayer. He told me to find the love in my heart for that person, to separate their behavior from them as a person and pray. It took me a while but I finally did it and damn if didn’t work!

The universe also decided to teach me what prayer was all about and proceeded to steer me in the direction of a prayer and spiritually based life. I love praying! I do not pray to a specific God. I pray to the universe as a whole because to me it is a conscious living breathing entity and we are all a part and the whole of it. We are all connected so in a sense I am praying to all of you as well. When I pray I pour my heart and soul into it and the love that is part of us all radiates out and is reflected back to me. Sometimes when I pray it is as if I as a single entity cease to exist and I am everything and nothing at the same time. The universe, spirit, God or whatever you believe in is asking me to step forth and share my gifts with the world when I am not even sure what those gifts are. The only thing I have to offer is love and I am getting better and better at approaching everyone from a place of love. I am secretly enjoying it so do not tell anyone!

I was given a lot of messages last night from the universe through the animal symbols it used to help get the point across. The main theme was love and then the others were relax, trust, enjoy life, pray, be aware and in the moment. Good advice regardless of where it comes from. I had the honour of learning (many years ago) from a Native American Medicine Man from South Dakota and one thing he said to us as a group when we were in ceremony was, “Pray when you wake up, pray when you work, just pray until your life becomes the prayer.” Those words have always stayed with me and had a profound effect on me. Those words changed the way I looked at the world. I have noticed that when I approach the universe from a place of love, prayer and faith I feel connected to the world and the people around me. When I approach the universe from a place of anger, doubt and fear I feel disconnected and isolated. There comes a point when your realize that the love you spread to others makes it more important to understand than to be understood, more important to love than to be loved. The animals are right it is all about the love.

I do not care whether you believe in God, Buddha, Allah or Jehova, You don’t have to believe in anything. To me it is all the same and the message is about love, kindness and compassion. I share my experiences but do not ask you to change your belief system. I thank the universe daily for allowing me to experience this life in such a miraculous manner, through the world of spirit and animals. There is much to learn and much to do. I especially want to acknowledge the wonderful elephant that has made her presence and teachings known to me in such a gentle and beautiful manner. I also am looking forward to what the horses have to teach me. I am blessed to walk in spirit with the animals on a daily basis and am grateful for this gift from the universe.

Love and peace to all
Hugs
Donna

Electrical Tape and Shrink Wrap

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I am back!  It is just after five in the morning and I have my sunny yellow mug filled with steaming coffee and though my slightly soiled chair is in the room I now sit on my brand new sofa instead.  The need to write has resurfaced in a new way, perhaps because of my new perspective from the sofa.  I am looking around this yet unfamiliar room and seeing the old blended with the new.  That is also who I am, the old Donna intertwined with the new Donna.  A wonderful synthesis of all I was and all I can be.  Transformation can be beautiful and difficult at the same time.

I am driving back to Sooke this morning to visit the post office, drop off some things to a friend and plan on visiting my favourite coffee shop to see who is around.  I am also going to buy a piece of art that spoke to my soul and am keeping my fingers crossed that it is still hanging on the shop wall.  If it is not, it wasn’t meant to be mine.  If I am going to make a frivolous purchase that is over a hundred dollars I usually walk away from it for a few days.  I want to explore my feelings about it and know why I am buying it.  This piece of art is a local Native American thunderbird mask that gave me goosebumps.  It is a symbol of many things and the thunderbird holds special meaning for me.  The mask itself reminds me of the masks we all wear in our daily life and how important it is for me to walk this earth unmasked.  This is what the universe is asking of me.  Well the universe is demanding it really and every time I try to hide it thrusts me naked into the world and makes me deal with it.  Sometimes the universe has a funny sense of humour!

I like the fact that the universe and its strange sense of humour keeps me humble and on my toes.  It challenges me in the same way that the people I care about challenge me to be a better person.  The universe encourages me to grow and stretch the limits my own mind imposes on me.  My mind can sometimes be a dark and lonely place, but when I use it in combination with my heart and all the love it holds there are no limits to what can be.  There are no limits.  Unless you live in a constant state of fear, then there are limits.  This is what I think about fear, because I do have moments of sometimes overwhelming fear, what is the worst thing that could happen?  So, I visualize the worst thing that could happen and then think oh what the hell!

My entire life for the last year has been about overcoming fear, loss and doubt.  I think I am handling it really well, but I am not going to get cocky about it cause then the universe will send something my way to remind me that I am not all that.  I have done things in the last six months that I would have never thought of doing before.  I have started this blog, I have deep conversations with complete strangers, and I have reached out to other people in ways I never thought I would even though I am shy.  There is a contradiction for you, I am extremely outspoken and extremely shy.I have no idea where my life is headed or what my next great adventure will be.  Somedays I am okay with that and other days the uncertainty drives me crazy. Oh Hell, I drive me crazy!

I have met a young woman recently, who I absolutely adore.  She is brave, funny, strong, and has a huge heart.  I admire the fact that she is who she is without apology.  I also admire the gentle spirit she has when dealing with other people.  She has taught me much and I am sure will continue to do so.  So in the spirit of our blossoming friendship I will leave you with the following thought today.  Having trouble with something in your life?  Just visualize yourself using electrical tape and shrink wrap on it until it is small enough to handle.  Yup,  electrical tape and shrink wrap will help you fix anything!

Much love to all of you
Donna

Time and Space

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Moving from a large home to a two bedroom suite is a huge task and the number of boxes to still be unpacked is a little daunting. One box at a time Donna, one box at a time. I did manage to find my yellow mug, which was tucked into the mop bucket for some reason. Finding my mug made me a happy woman! So the new and the old are mixed together in my new temporary home and I am starting to feel as if I belong here. The universe guided me here so I should know better than to question it, but I am stubborn and rebellious. The day we moved the last of my boxes into the new place a deer was sitting on top of the huge rock outside my door watching us. This rock is almost as tall as the house so all you could see was his head as he sat atop the rock with wary detachment. For me it was a beautiful moment and I stopped to admire him in the midst of a very busy day.

I also had a run in with a feral cat that roams the area. I opened my door and right at eye level on the rock was the cat and the first thing I noticed was her eyes. This cat is dark brown and black with wild yellow almost crazy eyes and reminded me of this dreadlock sporting bag lady that mumbles to herself constantly. I stopped and had a staring contest with this cat and for some reason felt as though I was being tested. I sent this cat as much love and energy as I could but it just sat there staring and hissing at me. I wonder what kind of life this cat has had? I wonder what the cat thought of me?

Animals play a huge role in my life though I do not have any that live with me. I love animals but treat them all with a wary respect and give them the space and time to get to know me. I also do this with people even though I just want to run up and wrap my arms around some of them. I give people space, the space and time they need to reach out on whatever level they want. I have actually spent time around one person who did not speak directly to me for a few months. I just let them do their thing without judgement and did not take it personally. They came around when they were ready and have been an important part of my life for a number of years.

Patience is the key. Have patience for yourself and others. Patience unlocks a whole new world for you. Give yourself the space and time to be you and extend that gift to others as well. I didn’t realize how much I did this or how important this was to me as a person. I am great at extending this to others not so great at giving it to myself. We are all connected and once the illusion of seperateness is unveiled it is not difficult to look at people and see yourself. It is not difficult to look at their struggles, fears and insecurities and see your own reflected back at you in a slightly distorted way. It is like looking into one of those fun mirrors at the fair. You know it is you but what you are seeing is distorted a little.

I have a busy day planned but the urge to write was strong this morning. I was worried about the writing for a few days. Every time I sat down at the keyboard nothing came. No inspiration, no thoughts, nothing came. This morning I sat down expecting more of the same then the words flowed from my heart to the keys and I took a deep breath. This blog has become a huge part of my life and allows me to express myself and explore my thoughts and feelings. I thank all of you for reading and interacting with me in this way. You have given me a wonderful gift of time and space to be me. My heart and soul thank you for that. Final thought for the day: Be fearless with your heart on this journey and love as many people as you can! Loving them is the same as loving yourself. It is only a matter of time and space baby!

Much love to all of you
Hug people and please don’t kill spiders
Donna

Freedom

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Well, the move is complete and I hand over the keys to the new owners of my home today!  It is a bittersweet moment.  I knew who I was in Sooke and am not sure who I am in Langford, if that makes any sense.  I guess I felt that I belonged in Sooke and don’t feel that way in the new place yet.  I will give it some time, but know this is only temporary.  Let’s see where the universe sends me next!

Now the unpacking and further sorting and sifting through the material parts of my life begin.  My goal is to get rid of all the things that are not necessary or bring me joy.  Cannot part with my car Lola though and I am so happy she has a warm and safe place to wait for me.  It is going to be so much fun driving her this summer!

Wow, the last year has been quite a roller coaster ride.  Lots of highs and many low spots to navigate through.  My life has been completely changed because of Howard’s life and death, mainly his life though.  It has also been changed by the new people who have entered and become so important to me.  I am blessed to know and care for each of them.  It can be hard sometimes when life turns shitty to find the positive aspects of it.  I am one of the lucky people who can experience and see both sides of every situation.  Even during the darkest moments there was light visible.

I had better get this day started and over with.  There is a freedom that comes with not being tied to a property and animals.  A freedom I have not had in a very long time and I’m not quite sure how to respond to it.  There are so many options open to me that it is hard to pick one.  For now I will just keep sorting and sifting and see what direction the universe sends me in.  I do know one thing, it will include many wonderful new people and I am looking forward to meeting them and getting to know them.  I also get to build on the relationships that have already formed for me and that is exciting too.  Even freedom has a price.

Peace and love to you all
Donna