Hello and Goodbye

It is a beautiful sunny day in Sooke and I slept for over ten hours last night. First time in a long, long time that I have not been awake before the sun peaked over the horizon. There are a few pieces of furniture and some piles of boxes in the living room and the house is almost empty. It has been a strange experience living without a television in the living room. I have to admit I miss it a little but only when I am bored out of my mind and too lazy to do anything else.

Had a wonderful dinner last night but had to say goodbye to a few people as they journey back to their homes in Saskatchewan. I only met them in the last month or so but I adored both of them instantly. It is funny how you can make a connection with some people as soon as you meet them. Not sure why I am surprised, this happens to me a lot. But then again, it does not happen with every person I meet.  Some people just become part of my heart and I am better for knowing them. I am going to miss their teasing banter and the laughs we shared, even though sometimes they were at my expense. Karoke night will not be the same without them!

I have trouble with goodbyes. The words get stuck in my throat when the tears threaten to spill out of my eyes. My eyes leak a lot and at the strangest times. I cry more happy tears than I do sad ones, so that is good. Lately I have had so much fun that I have laughed so hard I started crying. Those belly laughs are good for your soul! Having people around you that you can be silly and have fun with is important. As adults and all the serious business that adulthood entails I think we sometimes forget to have fun. Life is funny and has a way of keeping you humble if you can laugh at yourself.  If you can’t laugh at yourself it is not as funny!

I have not been able to write much lately. Partly because I am busy, but mainly because there are new people in my life and new things happening and I wanted to keep it private. I have a tendency to say or write whatever pops into my head and heart and right now is not the time for that. Let’s just say that my life has taken a few unexpected turns and I am having fun with it. I am having fun! I have no idea where any of this will lead and I am okay with that. There are no guarantees in life, you just have to enjoy what the universe provides you with, whether that is people or situations.   New people and situations can take you out of your comfort zone but are essential for your growth.  Saying hello to the new can be as difficult as saying goodbye.  So no more goodbyes just see you laters!

To the people in my life, new and old, please know that I cherish each and every one of you for the beauty, laughter and love you bring with you. Thank you for making me laugh and challenging me to be a better person. Thank you for challenging me with such affection and humour! Thank you all for allowing me to be part of your life and watching you as you grow and struggle and laugh and cry. The connections we share are priceless and mean so much to me. I think you are all a little strange, but then again I like strange! I only ask one thing of you, just be yourself.

 

Peace and love to all

Donna

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Hiding in Mud Puddles

Once upon a time there was a young, carefree girl who chased butterflies, jumped in mud puddles and rolled around in the grass laughing cause it tickled. She was never lonely, would wear the same dress everyday for a week because she loved it (it was blue with white daisies all over it) and would run when her dad came home at night out of the sheer joy of seeing him again. She did not worry about what others thought, she was taught to do that. She did not care if her long hair was wild and uncombed, or her feet were dirty from being outside barefoot, but others did. She was taught that she could not say what was on her mind regardless of the truth of it, that she had to be neat and tidy, she had to be a good girl cause no one liked bad girls. She was taught to hide herself inside all the rules and blend in with the crowd. She was taught to never be herself.

She became a sad young lady who was always trying to fit it and conform, then she rebelled. It was not pretty! The ideas they thrust upon her were discarded, the things she thought she loved were set aside and years were spent searching to find all the parts of herself that were hidden deep, deep inside where no one could see them. They were hidden so deep that it was hard for her to reach them but reach them she did. This rebellion was not instantaneous, it brewed slowly for years and years. A little bit here and a little bit there until she could see the beauty of who she was inside and out and believed it.

Now she is on an adventure of another sort. She helps people see the beauty of themselves and while she is helping other people she is still learning and growing and laughing and dancing to the beat of her own drum. By the way she still jumps in mud puddles, cannot resist them some days and doesn’t worry about getting dirty. She doesn’t care that her hair may be messy from the wind and the rain, she doesn’t care if yours is either. She has streaked grey hair that she refuses to dye, won’t wear make up, has a fetish for black boots and now owns 9 pairs, loves hugging people, smiles with her whole being and she is having the most fun of her life.

She is me, as if you hadn’t figured that out already. I love music any music and I love to dance around the house in my pyjamas. I sing while I am cooking or doing the dishes, having a shower or going for a walk. For some reason I am no longer able to sit in a chair normally and I am always wiggling some part of my body. I can’t tell you how many people ask me if I need to pee! I spend a lot of time alone, which has allowed me to get comfortable with me. I love me and my life that is constantly changing and shifting, with the timing of the universe. I also love people, all people. I don’t care what you look like, what kind of clothes you wear, what you do for a living, how much money you make, or any of the other bullshit that society says is important. I want to know what makes your eyes light up and your soul shout for joy. What makes you sing and dance? I want to know what keeps you awake at night, what scares you, what has made you hide yourself from the world, what has made you the glorious being that you are. I can see you hiding in there and have so much fun when you come out to play. My heart and soul dance a jig for you! I want you to be happy and joyous and free to be you, when you are around me and even when you are not around me, but especially when you are around me cause its fun. I love you just the way you are. Be silly, be spontaneous, be you. Next time you are with me prepare to get splashed with water from mud puddles! Hope you don’t mind getting dirty. Let’s play!

Love to you all

Donna

 

Random Thoughts

Slept in my new bed last night! Let me tell you, bamboo sheets are amazingly soft and silky! I own a lot of bamboo clothing but never really thought about sheets before. Lot’s of firsts for me this year! When I envisioned my life in my fifties it did not look like this: single, living on my own, selling my home and vehicles and getting ready to travel a bit. Oh yes let’s not forget the dating! Dating after all this time is more difficult and also easier in some ways.  I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want but the process is not quick nor is it easy.  There seems to be a growing number of people between the ages of 50 and 70 who are single and we are going to be the ones who rewrite what a relationship is defined as.  We are involved in a relationship revolution of sorts, the old ways of being and thinking are being tossed aside and new ways of doing things are forming.  Exciting times!

The last few weeks have been fairly busy and due to a lack of sleep and not eating properly, I have come down with a cold or the flu, not sure which yet. I wonder why we say have come down with something? It doesn’t really make sense, does it? I do not like colds! I particularly do not like the runny/ stuffy nose part of it. So I have gathered all my natural cold fighting ingredients and have got to work zapping this cold. I am armed with essential oils, teas, homeopathic remedies and food. I wonder i they make bamboo tissues? I will have to check it out.

Living in two houses is difficult. In fact, I spend most of my time right now driving from one to the other. Trying to remember what is in each house is a pain in the ass. I forgot my hair dryer and other tools at the other house last night. So now I either have to drive there with wet hair or wait to have my shower. Now I just remembered there is none of my favourite soap at that house. See what I mean, pain in the ass. I am not generally a super organized person and this requires some skill in that area. It will make my life interesting that is for sure.

Despite the fact that I am a little outspoken and don’t have a strong filter on my thoughts and mouth most times, I still have trouble communicating the important things. I have difficulty asking for help, discussing my feelings and emotions, stating my wants and needs and you get the picture. I am looking at this closely. I don’t give a hoot about what the general population thinks but I do care about the thoughts and feelings of those close to me. Funny how I clam up around the people whose opinion matters to me. I have more at stake with them I suppose.

I haven’t wanted to write for the last few days. I have a lot to process. Things are changing so fast I can barely keep up. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life and trust the universe to provide me with whatever I need. The people and the experiences I require to grow further are already in place, I just need to let go and trust.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

The Spirals of Your Life

I was thinking about spirals today and how life seems to go in cycles like a spiral circling around and around. If you don’t learn the lesson the first time, wait for it, the universe will present it to you again in a slightly different manner. Isn’t that wonderful? What a nice universe. So pay attention or you get to repeat your relationships problems, family issues, money troubles and anything else you struggle with over and over again until you get the message and learn the lesson.

I was having a conversation with someone a few years ago and they were complaining about their relationships and wondering why women treated them this way. Two failed marriages (didn’t learn the lesson the first time) and they were trying to figure out what was wrong. Being the sympathetic type I asked him what was the only thing that those two relationships had in common. He didn’t know so I pointed it out, the only thing they had in common was him! It did not go well for a moment, then the light went on and he started laughing. I think that as long as we believe the problem originates with someone other than us, we will not learn the lesson and are destined to have the same issues repeatedly. We pick the same type of person or we keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Granted, most of us seem to be drawn to a type, but why? What makes us gravitate towards a certain physical or personality type when we look for someone to have a relationship with. We place a lot of limits on the criteria for our choices. You pick the strong and silent type only to end up resenting them because they don’t talk to you. You picked them! You picked that person so you could continue playing out the drama and learn the lesson. Once you learn the lesson you have some choices. You can chose to stay in that relationship, hopefully you have both grown and can maintain that, or you can let go, cut your losses and stop torturing each other. Some relationships are built on a strong foundation and can withstand the pressures of individual growth, which can lead to mutual growth.  So they picked you and you picked them and you both had reasons for doing so.  It is so simple and yet so complicated at the same time.

Do you have a type? Do you pick the same person over and over again? Do you have the same issues in every relationship? You, yes you, are the key. It is not about them, it is about you, your choices and your willingness to learn and grow. I didn’t mean to pick on relationships specifically. This can be applied to any area of your life that causes you to struggle. Notice the cycles, the spirals of your life. Look at yourself and discover why you do the things you do. It’s uncomfortable and hard at first but once you can get honest with yourself there is no turning back. Once the knowledge is there you cannot unknow it. That knowledge brings with it a responsibility to act upon it and do things differently. A wise friend of mine often reminds me that there are no mistakes, just opportunities for learning and growth.

No mistakes

Love to you all

Donna

 

Mental What?

When I was twenty three I got married and moved from the only home I had ever known on the east coast all the way across the country to Vancouver Island. I also suffered my first panic attack shortly after that. I thought I had a heart attack and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where they declared me physically fine, said it was just a panic attack and sent me home. I had no idea at that time that anxiety and the associated panic attacks were going to lead me on a painful and wonderful journey of discovery.  At one point in my late twenties these attacks were so bad that I could not leave the house on my own. My own territory, my home, was a safe place where I could control the environment and who entered it.  Just going across the parking lot to get lunch at work was a walk of extreme discomfort. At work I was fine, at home I was fine, or was I? I had trouble breathing, got frequent chest pains, headaches, suffered from severe stomach issues and the list goes on. Living in a constant state of fear is hard on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Living in a constant state of anxiety is like being slowly buried alive and not being able to do anything about it, you are frozen with fear.

I did not get my drivers liscence until I was in my thirties and still deal with panic attacks when I have to drive somewhere that I am not familiar with, though the severity of them has lessened over time. I have to tell you that I have driven across most of Canada now, woohoo!  I would like to be able to tell you that there was one magic thing that fixed it all but there was not. It was a whole bunch of little things learned and ways of being that were incorporated into my life in small increments that helped. I also had help from professionals and non professionals. I also encourage anyone with any type of problem to reach out for help. Apparently some would consider this to be a form of mental illness, though I do not label myself in that way. From what I have seen over the years everyone suffers from some form of mental illness even if it is just an grossly overblown sense of self importance.  Just take a look at the Trump disaster that is going on with our neighbours to the south. Do you think he is displaying any level of sane thought or action, or the country as a whole is thinking with their right mind?  We are seeing only a small part of the picture. The anxiety and panic attacks are only a small part of you, though they can take over your life. I think as a society we are too caught up in labels. Every one has felt fear, anxiety and panic at some point in their lives. For some of us the dance with them lasts longer and for others the dance only ends with their death. Please reach out to people and keep reaching out until you find someone that you can relate to. I have worked extremely hard to get to the point I am at today, so I understand the struggles people face. Their struggles might not be exactly the same, but if we focus on the differences there will never be any understanding of the other.  I won’t lie it will not be easy.  Nothing worth having ever is.  You are worth it so fight, dig, cry, scream, but do the work.  You. Are. Worth. It.

I did not expect to write this post and quite frankly I am not all that comfortable doing it, but once again the universe compels me to speak. Okay universe I will go with this, but know I am not happy about it. This makes me vulnerable and I know based on previous experiences that I will be judged by some people and loved by others for my honesty and candor. I have no control over how others will react to this. I want you to know that most of these panic attacks and severe anxiety episodes have taken place in private. I still have them happen in public and this is when I say slightly inappropriate things or my behaviour seems a bit off. I laughed so hard at a funeral that I had to get up and leave, people thought I was sobbing in grief and I was almost peeing my pants with laughter! Yup, I’m a giggle at a funeral. Sometimes I look away from you when I am speaking to collect myself and so you do not see the pain or anxiety. Most of you don’t notice. People who know me socially, may be surprised by this post. Those who know me on an intimate level have seen me struggle, overcome, struggle again and grow and grow and glow.  Little typo there but I’m going to keep the glow, I like it.  It fits.

What do you think when you hear the words mental illness? It sends shivers up my spine let me tell ya. I want nothing to do with that. I had a friend who was a psychologist and I had a chat with him one day. I told him that I thought I might be crazy and gave him a few examples of why I thought this.  He told me nope you are just human and the secret is that the really crazy ones would never even question their sanity, they are the serial killers, the Hitler’s of the world and the ones with no thought of anyone or anything but themselves. God, I loved that man and miss him still. Thanks John for helping me realize my humanity was showing and heal myself.   I loved his down to earth perspective on life and am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him.

So our societal and medical systems love labels but labels don’t take into account that we are so much more than just that and capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.  I think that what I am supposed to remind you of today is that you are so much more. You are so much more than your fears, insecurities, doubts and struggles. You are also enough, more than enough and much more lovable than you believe. Your ability to heal is also far greater than you have been led to believe. You are uncomfortable and fearful for a reason. Get help and discover the reason. There is always an underlying reason. Do not be afraid of uncovering what lies underneath.  I know it is extremely difficult and I would hold your hand through it if I could. The truth of it all will set you free from the prison that anxiety has you caged in. Today I will leave you with a poem that I wrote a few years ago about a crystal called sodalite. I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night to write the poem down so I could go back to sleep. The stone wanted to speak. This dark blue stone is related to your voice, throat chakra and speaking your truth. My wish for each of you is that you are always provided with the help you need and you live your truth with love and compassion. I also hope you find your voice and use it to help others.  Much love to all of you.

 

Cold, blue, stone of truth

Release the bonds of silence

That fear has wrapped

Around my soul

The truth inside me is released

With quiet strength

I find my voice

In the middle of my thoughts and feelings

My hearts sings with freedom

Arms raised to the night

I dance with my tears

Under a cold, blue, sky

Reach out and hug someone

Judge none

Donna

 

The Universe Speaks

Yes! I managed to get six hours of solid sleep last night! Woke up thinking about starting a walking group in the new area I am moving to and I hear very clearly in my left ear someone say sisters. In some cultures the left side of your body is considered the female or yin aspect. So it would make sense the word sisters is said in my left ear. Okay universe I am listening but what the heck does this mean? I believe that we are constantly being given guidance and we just have to pay attention. One word doesn’t necessarily give me a view of the whole picture, but I will pay attention over the next few days and see what else falls into place.

When I sit down to write in the morning I rarely have any idea what I am going to write about. I am a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person so this is okay with me. So off I go willy nilly through my life and just stumble into people and situations never worrying about the small details of things. Just like I started this blog, I just started it, no planning, no idea what I was going to write about. I felt compelled to do this and the words just started flowing. Who cares about grammar and sentence structure, communication and giving myself a voice are the key points. If the universe gives me too much time to think about things I cannot make a move. I get frozen with the options, choices and decisions and just spin in circles never moving forward. The universe is much wiser than I am so I constantly get thrown into things that I wouldn’t usually think are good ideas then a little while later realize they were exactly what I needed at that time. By the way, because I do not follow any one religious or spiritual path, I use the term universe where some would say God, Allah, Jehova etc. This is not me being anti religious it is just my belief system and method for making sense of the world. You have your way, I have my way. Isn’t that wonderful?

So I have told you about my relationship with animals and how they give me info. So the kangaroo sent me a message about moving forward not backward. Last night there were two animals that stood out for me, one was a baboon who shook his red butt at me and a very quiet hyena. At this point I do not have a clear idea what either of those animals were trying to say. I do know that baboons are communicators and hyenas in some cases represent choice of words as in choose your words wisely. Hyenas know when to shut up! The other animal that showed up was a beautiful palomino horse and horses have been popping into my mind a lot lately so I paid attention. Horses for the most part represent power and freedom and this one just popped into view again nodding his head. So this is the way my mind works and yes I realize that to some I will sound crazy, but I no longer care about that.

Kangaroo– moving forward

Baboon– communication. ( was the butt wiggle saying don’t talk through your ass lol)

Hyena– kind words, choose words wisely

Horse–power and freedom

What I get from this –to keep moving forward on this path, the act of communication is very important but to choose my words wisely. There is power in this for me if it is used properly and I will experience a kind of freedom because of it. One more animal that has shown up is a Pegasus and his message last night was more voice, more voice but refine it. So folks there you have it.

They speak and I listen. I was wondering if I should continue with the blog. What am I doing this for? Well the universe got me to start this blog and will continue to guide me. The people who need to read what I have written will find it and the people who don’t need it will not read it. The only way I can refine my writing is to practice, practice, practice.  Simple right? Nothing is ever simple despite how it looks on the surface. I have been given an opportunity to say what I need to say and in a sense this has provided great growth for me and has helped me sort through my feelings around the changes that have taken place in my life. The future is always uncertain. Regardless of your dreams or plans, things are going to happen so don’t be too attached to the outcome. Just sit back and enjoy the wonderful ride the universe will take you on if you let it.

Peace and love to all

Don’t forget to be grateful!

Donna

Decisions Decisions

A number of people have told me lately that they think I am strong and brave. I thank them, because it is the polite thing to do, but I make a silent snorting noise in response. I don’t see it the way they do. I just deal with whatever life throws at me the best way I know how. I talk to people, cry, think, laugh, talk some more, listen, talk. Are you starting to see the trend? I talk a lot! I need information and you have to talk to other people to get it, but I also listen when they talk. Well, I don’t listen all the time. I try, but every once in a while I find myself thinking is this person for real? Are they actually saying these things and then I inject “oh really” into the conversation a few times. I am also sure that given some of the things I say to people they are doing the same thing to me!

Information is the key for me. I need lots of it to make a decision, then again, sometimes I make huge decisions without giving it much thought at all. I follow my gut! When I gather copious amounts of info it is because I am afraid to make a decision or a choice. I am at a point in my life where I need to decide where I want to live and what I want to do for the rest of my life. Big decisions right? I could go back to school and finish my degree, I could travel and see some of the world, the possibilities are endless. Holy cow that scares the hell out of me. I am frozen with fear because there are just so many choices. What if I make the wrong choice? What in the hell am I going to do? I change my mind so much people are starting to think I’m a little flaky. I just cannot make a decision.

That’s not entirely true, I decided to move before I sell my home because I felt trapped. One decision done. I feel good about that decision. Living in a suite will allow me to take off on a trip somewhere if I want since I won’t have a huge property to maintain. That choice gave me some freedom. I bought new furniture in the first store I went to instead of my usual routine of going to every store in town first. Sometimes I think that gathering too much information can confuse the issue and make it harder for me to make a decision. Aha moment!   I took a year off to give myself time to tidy up the ruins of the life I had and figure it all out. I am being impatient with myself because I have been brainwashed into thinking that I have to be productive. So I have decided that not making a decision on what I want to do in this next stage of my life counts as a decision. Now the laughter comes bubbling out of me. I have decided that I don’t have to decide right now. Wow, what a relief!

I am looking forward to having time off! I have worked every summer since I was fourteen and this will be the first time I can just do whatever the heck I want. I have made loose plans to do what I am calling a drive about. I am going to get in my car, board the ferry to get to the mainland and drive all over this beautiful province and see the sights. I also have a feeling that this is how I am going to decide where I want to live, just a gut feeling. Oh the people I will meet and the places I will explore! I am going to play for the rest of the year and when my new year starts on my birthday in October I will have a look at my life and make some decisions. So I don’t know about being brave or strong. I am just going to follow my gut instincts for the rest of the year and trust that I will know what to do. I have great faith that the universe will give me signs that point me in the right direction. I just have to pay attention to them.

Trust your gut

Love you all

Donna

Let’s Dance

For most of my life I have always felt that I did not fit in. Didn’t seem to fit with my own family, coworkers, or society. I tried to fit in, I really did. I did what they told me was right and good and tried to be part of them but something always felt off. It was like they were living in a slightly different world than I was and spoke a different dialect.   I wanted to be a part of it so badly that I sacrificed my own beliefs to try. One day, I do not know the date, I realized that I could no longer live that way if I wanted to live. I am now sure that I was not the only person who struggled with this. I’m sure of this because I have met others who felt the same way over and over again. We were struggling to be true to ourselves in a world that wanted conformity and we paid a price.

Some of us turned to drugs and alcohol to deaden the feelings we had inside. Some of us walked away from society and live far from other people, hermits I suppose. Some of us stood up and made a huge difference in the world. We were not thanked for it at the time. Look back over the history of our culture and these people will stand out like sore thumbs! You decide who they were, I am not going to tell you. Please do not judge us for trying to stop the pain, we did not know any other way to do it and felt we had no one to guide us, we felt we had no other choice. We are a passionate bunch and have created some beautiful art, music, movies, books and poetry in our attempt to reach out to you from our hearts. Our hearts pouring out of us in the hope that the pain would stop and someone somewhere would understand. Most of us have not stood out in the crowd but we are stepping out now!

I use the word dance a lot in reference to pain. Anyone can walk with pain but there are those of us who literally dance with it. We get down and dirty with it in a primal way and because of this have much to share with you. I have come to realize that I have been in pain both physical and emotional for most of my life. I did not talk to many people about it. I did not think they would understand. Now I realize that them understanding my pain was not the point. The point for me was I needed to understand it and sharing has helped me do that. This is the story of Donna, pain, fear, joy, celebration, love and hate, the whole enchilada!

I do not have a competitive bone in my body, jealousy doesn’t exist in my world. How do you think I fit in a corporate culture that has a cutthroat attitude? Not so well, so I left the corporate world and just took a job. I have been selling you things since I was sixteen years old and I was good at it but not in the traditional sense. I even used to go to chain stores and teach the employees how to sell based on the corporate cultures mandate of illusion and fear, that was my career. That is not how I sold things though. I sold by not selling! I gave you information about things so that you could make the best decision for you! I empowered you to purchase based on your own wants and needs and had some of the highest sales rates in the country. They could not figure out how I did it. I was honest with you and sometimes I would even send you away without selling you anything, not what the boss wants to see but they couldn’t argue with the sales statistics. I developed relationships not customers. As you can see, out there in the retail world this is starting to happen all over the place. Woohoo!

One thing that people are surprised to learn about me is that I was a classically trained violinist and started playing at the age of seven. I was fairly good and at the top of my class in music school. Then it got super competitive and I walked away. Not because I couldn’t cut it, the competitiveness ruined it for me. I had my first solo at a concert when I was twelve and no one in my family came to see it. I was heartbroken. I walked away from it all a few years later. It was the pain I couldn’t handle. I feel music! Even today I do not listen to music with my ears, I listen with my heart, so it doesn’t matter if it is being sung in a different language, I feel it. I still love the violin, it is the instrument that speaks to me and once in a while I will rosin up my bow and let all the pain flow through me and transform itself into the air as sweet music. Even pain can be beautiful.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the world is changing. There is a shift in consciousness happening all around us and I am excited. I am doing my happy dance! We are moving from being exclusive to inclusive, head thinkers to heart minded, small minded to open minded and oh my God we need that if we are going to thrive as a people. Don’t be surprised the next time you see a homeless person sit down to play a piano like a genius, or sing songs so sweetly your teeth ache. The only difference between you and them is they danced with the pain and have not found their way back to their chairs. They deserve love and compassion as much as you do. Feel the music, feel the pain, just feel. What I once looked at as a curse I now see as a blessing. I help people, I help them heal in many different ways and I can do this simply because I can feel the pain, my own, other people’s, I feel the world’s pain and I am ready to dance with it. So today I say to you, I don’t feel as though I no longer fit in, I was born to do this, I was born to be part of this new way of thinking and help people in whatever form that takes.  This new world that is forming is all about the heart and love. Are you ready to be part of the revolution that is taking place inside of us, are you already part of it? Good, let’s dance!

Thank you Carolyn for the inspiration

Love you all

Donna

Let It Go Baby

Sunday was a strange and difficult day full of mishaps, anger and discoveries. I guess I do not grow when everything is going smoothly and let me tell you sometimes growing is not a graceful process for me. In fact, the morning was so spectacular that I crawled back into bed shortly after noon for a nap. One of the things that I discovered is that my authentic self is always present, she just gets covered up in the untruths that are wound around and around what is real, by myself and others. So what is true? How do you peel away all the extraneous lies, half truths and bullshit. I guess you examine every belief you have about yourself and the world around you and search out the source of it. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but it could be, depending on how you look at it.

With every layer that gets peeled off the weight that has been crushing me lessens. Some of these beliefs are buried deep and it is tough to find their origins. Some have come down through the generations, some from your religion, society, the media and any other entity that needs you to have certain beliefs to further their own agenda. The big question now is what do I believe. I remember talking to a friend when my first husband and I were parting ways. I told my friend that I didn’t believe in divorce, that was for people who didn’t try. He looked me in the eyes and laughed, then he said “Whether you believe in it or not it is happening to you.” That was the first time I traced the origins of a belief and realized it wasn’t really mine, I had been trained to believe it. So, I decided that if I am going to get divorced I am going to make it the best possible divorce I can have. People had lots of advice for me but even back then I looked deep within my own heart and did what I needed to do. The two of us had hurt each other enough and I was not going to allow that to continue, despite the fact that the lawyers and my family all thought I was crazy. I did it with heart.

I now examine things on a regular basis. Sometimes it is easier than others. I have a resistance in me called my ego. Now this ego is a self centered creature and does not want to change anything let alone a belief system. That little voice inside my head that constantly has an opinion and tries to keep the status quo by playing upon my fears and feeding the untruths. Untruths sounds so much better than lies doesn’t it? Nobody likes a liar. So now I know where some of these beliefs come from and that my ego tries to bolster them. What is a woman supposed to do? Well, you look the little liar in the eyes and say enough. You tame that voice until it sits there quietly and becomes the best little ego it can be. You do this by observing your ego’s childlike antics, practicing meditation, yoga, or anything else that works for you and then letting go. Did I mention letting go? Letting go of the beliefs that never served you well, letting go of the ego’s hold on you, and the unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and others. Breathe and let go. Trust. Trust yourself.

Once the letting go becomes part of your life funny things start to happen. I want you to discover them on your own, but as a teaser good days will far out number bad days, laughter will burst out of you more often, and moments of joy for simple things will occur more frequently. The truth was always present, you were born knowing it. Once all the lies and untruths are stripped away you are left standing in your truth all naked and vulnerable like a baby. But a baby with years of worldly experience who lives from the heart, cause really the most important and beautiful things are all about seeing the world through your heart and eyes brimming with love. So, get out there and spread the love and help support others to do the same. Provide them with a safe space to unwind the layers of untruths that are crushing their souls and causing them pain. Please do it gently, they are babies after all.

 

Peace and love

May you be hugged a lot today

Donna

 

A Fool’s Path

For most of my life I have needed 8 hours of sleep in order to function. Now if I get 5 hours, I am doing well and functioning just fine. I have wondered what has brought about this change in sleeping patterns. I could attribute it to all the changes that have taken place for me in the last six months, but my instincts say it is this release of new creative energy that is running through me. There is a new thirst for life that fuels me. My dreams have also taken on new attributes. They have always been very vivid, colourful and if I woke up in the middle of one it would continue right where it left off like someone had pressed pause then play when I return to sleep. I used to remember my dreams in great detail, now I don’t even remember dreaming during the night. I find this to be strange but interesting.

I can still remember certain dreams that I had years ago as if they happened yesterday. Sometimes I have had the same dream repeatedly over the years. I started writing this last night and this morning I remembered a dream woohoo! So in this dream I had a friend who was severely injured and there we were in an old Viking settlement about to participate in a purification ritual when Taylor Swift knocked on the door looking for me. Weird right? That is the way my dreams are. I can smell things, taste things ( I don’t like the stuff the Vikings drink in my dream and there was no coffee damn it) and this dream was in black and white except for Taylor’s red toque and blonde hair. If you can analyze that, call me. My dreams have always seemed so real to me. Those are the dreams I have when I am asleep.

Now for the waking dreams. You know the ones where you imagine what your future will look like. I don’t have those, never have. I can read a poem and it will come alive in my mind and heart. When people tell me their stories I can see them as if watching a movie. Ask me to imagine what I want in the future and yup you guessed it, I get nothing, just a big blank spot. Plan my blog posts ahead of time, cannot do it. I sit down to write and the words come out. I plan it ahead of time and it never gets published. I have absolutely no idea whee this post is heading as I type it. I wonder why I can’t dream or imagine my future? It’s not like I don’t make plans or set goals. I do on a regular basis but for the most part I just stumble into things including my future. I just never know where I am going to end up. Sometimes it feels like there is no point in imagining my future because I seem to be led by an unseen hand into it, regardless of my plans. I always end up where I need to be and sometimes it doesn’t make sense until later. One minute I am looking for a yoga bag and the next thing I know I am starting a business that leads me to a number of people that have become hugely important in my life. You know all the things you are supposed to do before you start a business I did not do any of it, none of it. No grand plans, I was compelled to start a business and everything just fell into place. No training, no preparation and off I went stumbling into a business.  It was a beautiful thing!

One thing I have discovered is that because of all this I have the ability to take great big leaps of faith. A bit of a crooked path to get to the point of this story, yes, crooked even for me. So I guess the whole point of this is the only expectation I have is that I will know what to do and where to go. I live my life in the moment for the most part and when I get a nudge from the universe I jump. That is how this blog happened as well. My life is like that movie Field of Dreams. I have faith and though people around me sometimes think I am a little odd, I just smile because I know that I will be guided to the people, places and things I need. I have no expectations in most situations, I just see things unfold in my life as though I am both watching and participating in the movie of Donna. This I believe to be my truth, don’t get so wrapped up in your dreams of the future that you miss the signs and opportunities that are in front of you right now. We need the planners, the visionaries, the builders and we also need those of us who dance to the beat of a drum that is unheard by many.  We are the fools, the happy happy fools who skip down a crooked path stopping to smell the flowers and talk to the wildlife along the way.

Dedicated to my fellow fools with their big big hearts
Love ya, Donna