Category: shit

Random Thoughts

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Slept in my new bed last night! Let me tell you, bamboo sheets are amazingly soft and silky! I own a lot of bamboo clothing but never really thought about sheets before. Lot’s of firsts for me this year! When I envisioned my life in my fifties it did not look like this: single, living on my own, selling my home and vehicles and getting ready to travel a bit. Oh yes let’s not forget the dating! Dating after all this time is more difficult and also easier in some ways.  I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want but the process is not quick nor is it easy.  There seems to be a growing number of people between the ages of 50 and 70 who are single and we are going to be the ones who rewrite what a relationship is defined as.  We are involved in a relationship revolution of sorts, the old ways of being and thinking are being tossed aside and new ways of doing things are forming.  Exciting times!

The last few weeks have been fairly busy and due to a lack of sleep and not eating properly, I have come down with a cold or the flu, not sure which yet. I wonder why we say have come down with something? It doesn’t really make sense, does it? I do not like colds! I particularly do not like the runny/ stuffy nose part of it. So I have gathered all my natural cold fighting ingredients and have got to work zapping this cold. I am armed with essential oils, teas, homeopathic remedies and food. I wonder i they make bamboo tissues? I will have to check it out.

Living in two houses is difficult. In fact, I spend most of my time right now driving from one to the other. Trying to remember what is in each house is a pain in the ass. I forgot my hair dryer and other tools at the other house last night. So now I either have to drive there with wet hair or wait to have my shower. Now I just remembered there is none of my favourite soap at that house. See what I mean, pain in the ass. I am not generally a super organized person and this requires some skill in that area. It will make my life interesting that is for sure.

Despite the fact that I am a little outspoken and don’t have a strong filter on my thoughts and mouth most times, I still have trouble communicating the important things. I have difficulty asking for help, discussing my feelings and emotions, stating my wants and needs and you get the picture. I am looking at this closely. I don’t give a hoot about what the general population thinks but I do care about the thoughts and feelings of those close to me. Funny how I clam up around the people whose opinion matters to me. I have more at stake with them I suppose.

I haven’t wanted to write for the last few days. I have a lot to process. Things are changing so fast I can barely keep up. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life and trust the universe to provide me with whatever I need. The people and the experiences I require to grow further are already in place, I just need to let go and trust.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

The Spirals of Your Life

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I was thinking about spirals today and how life seems to go in cycles like a spiral circling around and around. If you don’t learn the lesson the first time, wait for it, the universe will present it to you again in a slightly different manner. Isn’t that wonderful? What a nice universe. So pay attention or you get to repeat your relationships problems, family issues, money troubles and anything else you struggle with over and over again until you get the message and learn the lesson.

I was having a conversation with someone a few years ago and they were complaining about their relationships and wondering why women treated them this way. Two failed marriages (didn’t learn the lesson the first time) and they were trying to figure out what was wrong. Being the sympathetic type I asked him what was the only thing that those two relationships had in common. He didn’t know so I pointed it out, the only thing they had in common was him! It did not go well for a moment, then the light went on and he started laughing. I think that as long as we believe the problem originates with someone other than us, we will not learn the lesson and are destined to have the same issues repeatedly. We pick the same type of person or we keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Granted, most of us seem to be drawn to a type, but why? What makes us gravitate towards a certain physical or personality type when we look for someone to have a relationship with. We place a lot of limits on the criteria for our choices. You pick the strong and silent type only to end up resenting them because they don’t talk to you. You picked them! You picked that person so you could continue playing out the drama and learn the lesson. Once you learn the lesson you have some choices. You can chose to stay in that relationship, hopefully you have both grown and can maintain that, or you can let go, cut your losses and stop torturing each other. Some relationships are built on a strong foundation and can withstand the pressures of individual growth, which can lead to mutual growth.  So they picked you and you picked them and you both had reasons for doing so.  It is so simple and yet so complicated at the same time.

Do you have a type? Do you pick the same person over and over again? Do you have the same issues in every relationship? You, yes you, are the key. It is not about them, it is about you, your choices and your willingness to learn and grow. I didn’t mean to pick on relationships specifically. This can be applied to any area of your life that causes you to struggle. Notice the cycles, the spirals of your life. Look at yourself and discover why you do the things you do. It’s uncomfortable and hard at first but once you can get honest with yourself there is no turning back. Once the knowledge is there you cannot unknow it. That knowledge brings with it a responsibility to act upon it and do things differently. A wise friend of mine often reminds me that there are no mistakes, just opportunities for learning and growth.

No mistakes

Love to you all

Donna

 

Shitty Days and Smiles

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Had one of those days yesterday! I hurt my finger again, yes the broken one, lost my glasses, forgot my passport paperwork somewhere and had to go back to get it, stopped at a store and the clerk thought I was really funny and tried to set me up on a date with one of her regular customers that happened to be there at the same time, and I left the window of my car open in the pouring rain. This all happened before noon, shit shit shit. Now I just noticed a hole in my favourite socks, damn. My goodness I have to laugh at myself. Of course my dear friends on Facebook, well some of them, made jibes and poked fun at me. Thanks! Most days I feel like a walking disaster then there are days that make it so. So I have to stop saying I am clumsy and forgetful and making it true. I have the grace of a swan, a weird black swan, and the memory of an elephant, I am sharp!! Add all that to the social skills of a barn cat and what do you get? A fifty three year old with an attitude and strange dancing skills. Good thing I am small, cute and lovable!

Okay, I guess I will have to explain the slightly soiled chair thing. Why does everyone think I soiled myself? My chair is slightly off white and I had a border collie that liked to roll around in the dirt outside then come in the house and rub herself along the sides and back of my chair. Her name was Terra and we had a love/tolerate relationship. She passed away and is buried on the property and I can see her grave from my chair if I sit up properly. I miss her and have not wanted to clean the chair, silly huh. I have cleaned the chair before and have owned this chair for seven years. I just cannot bring myself to clean it at this time. I miss having dog love in my life and have just signed a one year lease for a suite that has an absolutely no pet policy. I did this for a reason. I want to live pet free for a little while. I still have about 12 koi fish that each weigh over 10 pounds but they just ignore me and they can ignore the new people who look after this land.

Have I told you how much I love people? I love people all the crazy wonderful weird people. I talk to people everywhere I go. Complete strangers will come up to me in coffee shops, the grocery store, well anywhere really and I will say hello and the adventure begins. I get to hear their stories, they just start spilling their stories. This has happened even more lately and I have realized it most likely has something to do with the fact that I smile at them. I smile a lot! I also smile with my eyes so it must make me seem approachable. I’m not sure why it happens but I like it! I can almost guarantee you that if I am not smiling for a moment someone will tell me to smile. I must have a very serious face, I call it my resting bitch face, when I am not smiling. It used to annoy me when people asked me to smile, now I just tell them I was resting my face for a moment, then I smile at them.  I love people and it shows!

I pick up the keys to my new living quarters today. Since my house has not even gone on the market yet, I will essentially have two homes for a little while. So I will split my time between the new and old homes. It is almost as if the universe is slowly easing me into my new life. I was standing on the front porch with a friend on the weekend having a coffee and talking and they said you are going to miss this place. I had tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t but he was right. I am going to miss the trees that have grown over ten feet since I first moved here. I am going to miss the brilliant night sky out here in the woods, the silence, the birds, the deer, the rabbits, the owls, and especially the frogs when they sing spring into existence. I lay in my bed at night with the windows open and fall asleep to hundreds of frogs singing, a frog symphony of sound. I am going to miss living here but like everything else nothing is permanent and it is time for me to let go and move on

I question the universe and its wisdom sometimes. This usually happens when things are not going according to Donna. Why did Howard have to die so young with all his plans and dreams left unfinished, while the girl unable to make plans lives? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that one. The plans for my future change on a daily basis. I think of something and roll it around in my heart for a while to see how it feels, nothing feels right. So my plan is to not make any concrete plans for a while, at least until my year off is up. I wonder what adventures the universe has in store for me? I do know that I have met some wonderful people now that I am not spending so much time working. The people are the important part of this journey. The people feel wonderful in my heart! The connections with others, the hugs, the love, and all the interesting and sometimes colourful stories they share. I am going to miss Sooke and my little plot of land here. I can always come back for a visit and wander into The Stick ( my favourite coffee shop) to see who is around, or visit the shops and talk to friends. Once you leave you can never really go back, things will never be the same again and I look forward to my new adventures and the people I will meet.

I am off to the passport office this morning! I will smile at the people standing in line with me and no doubt strike up a conversation or two. I challenge you to look at people and smile the next time you have to stand in line somewhere, look them in the eyes if they will let you and say hello. Don’t judge them just open yourself up to whatever they have to offer!  You never know who you are going to meet and your smile just might make someone’s day! Spread the love.

 

Hug everyone and trees

Hug lots and lots of trees

Please don’t kill spiders

Donna

 

Buying Into Bullshit

Published on by Donna Gray3 Comments

I cannot believe that I am writing this! Remember that this is after all only my opinion and in no way am I trying to tell you not to believe what you believe, or am I asking you to agree with me.Having said that, let’s do this. I am so tired of bullshit! I had a chat with two friends of mine yesterday. You know, the real friends that allow you to just say whatever you want and need to get of your chest, without getting upset about it or taking it personally. Anyway, we discussed many different things and they asked me one question (a lot of people have asked me this in the last six months) “Are you going to open your business again?” In my head and heart I heard HELL NO! Up until that moment, whenever I was asked this, I would say I am not sure. Something didn’t feel quite right until yesterday when the hell no came screaming out of me. My business was a retail store that sold yoga, meditation and metaphysical products to the not so general public. I just fell into the business with a forceful nudge from the universe. I cannot open that business again because that would mean I am not living an authentic life and at this point I have trouble being anything but authentic. You do not need the shit I was selling! What most of you wanted was someone to talk to and I provided that for free, no purchase required. What I got out of the business was you, I needed you to interact with me and at that point in my life the only method I had to meet you, was to sell you stuff.

Please note that this is not an attack on a specific industry but the retail industry as a whole and certain segments are singled out only as an example for making a point. You want to practice yoga get on the floor or the grass and do it! You do not need a mat, special clothing or any of the other stuff that you are being sold. It has been done for centuries without any of that. People want to sell you stuff and in order to do it they need you to believe that you cannot possibly do it “right” without their stuff. Meditation, same thing, just sit in a comfortable position and get it started. Mind you, I do love my meditation bench and it allows me to sit for long periods. (In my case 1/2 an hour is long) and be comfortable. You want healing and look for things that are going to make it faster and easier. These things you buy are tools people!   They are just tools to get you out of the small minded world you have trapped yourself inside of so you don’t feel the pain. They can help sure but no one thing or one person can heal you. You heal you! You get honest with yourself and do the work because if you don’t no one person and no thing can save your ass. If every time you need to make a decision you consult someone or something you are not acknowledging your own feelings. You want someone else to tell you what to do and then if it doesn’t work it is their fault. Take responsibility for you and find, search, and seek out the help you need but don’t expect to not have to do the work.

Sorry, I went on a bit of a rant there. I feel very strongly about it and cannot sell you things at this time. What I want to sell you on is your own ability to help yourself. Sure we need help sometimes and that is true for all of us, accept help, seek the help, be the help for others. I am not saying don’t buy the tarot cards or consult a psychic, or use crystals or have a reiki treatment or seek professional medical help in any capacity. These are all wonderful tools on the path to healing. I use Reiki, tarot cards, crystals, essential oils, and medical professionals on my own healing journey. I do not depend on them to make decisions or to solve my problems. What I am saying is do not expect them to fix you. I am asking what you would do if none of that existed or all just went away. What the fuck would you do? Well some people would have you believe that if you would only have nothing but positive thoughts it will be all rainbows and puppy dog kisses. I say bullshit! You want to get rid of your pain then you need to get down and dirty with it. Roll around on the floor naked and make sweet love to that pain!   Feel it, don’t try to push it away or cover it up with flowery words because sometimes your fucking life will depend on your ability to dance with the pain. I have survived some seriously nasty shit over the course of my life, am thriving even and for the most part am a warm and happy person. Most of my friends, notice I said most, would agree with that statement. Some would call me something much less flattering, they also have no idea what I have been through in my life because I don’t share all the details with everyone. I have danced with the pain in the many shapes and forms it came in. I have been there. I hope you do not have to stay with the pain as long as I did.

I don’t care how many positive and self affirming thoughts you have going on in that pretty little head of yours, it is masking the symptoms of a much larger problem. It cannot take away the pain until you face the pain and there is always help available. Please get help if you need it and please don’t feel as though you are all alone. That is the big secret, everyone feels alone with their pain and afraid they will be judged, ignored, rejected etc. etc. if they reach out to someone. If the first person you reach out to is a complete idiot reach out to someone else and then someone else until you find the right person. You are fucking worth it and your life matters no matter what you have been through. You are not alone. Think about it, with over seven billion people on the planet I am sure there is someone who will understand what is eating you up inside.

Positive thinking has its place for sure! What works for me is sending the positive thoughts out to others, by helping them I help myself. I am not focused on my narrow little world, I am getting out of my own dark and sometimes self defeating mind and giving to others. What you put out into the world comes back to you, they say. I’m still not sure who the hell “they” are but I could kick their ass right now. Manifest the life you want “they say”. So, what you put out comes back. Putting out I want this, I need that, this is what I want my life to look like, blah blah blah is grasping. You grasp anything in your fist long enough and you will choke it. Grasping, greed, me, me, me. Just think you get back what you send out!!! Send out love and compassion for others and you get love and compassion back from others. Send out all the bullshit you have bought into and you get back more bullshit. Is it starting to make sense?

Please stop buying the shit they are selling that tells you that you are not enough, this pill will fix all your problems, that car will earn you respect, this newer and bigger house will improve your messed up family life. The healing starts internally with you and a decision to do the work you need to do to start the healing process. Seek the help that you need in whatever form that takes for you. But, I beg you not to hand them the power you were born with to know and heal yourself by purchasing the shit they are selling. You do not need to purchase anything to be a happy healthy person in all of your brilliant glory, what you need is other people, that human connection. You need love and you cannot buy that.

Be the love, be the change
Love you all
Donna

Greetings From the Dandelion Whisperer

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I had an interesting experience when I hosted a small group at my home last week. I had bought some fresh flowers for the table. I bought mums and tulips and divided them between two vases. One vase was for the table and one for the bathroom. I don’t understand it, but I love having flowers in the bathroom. I cut the stems at different heights and arranged them in a haphazard fashion in my Grandmother’s red crystal vase. Beautiful right? They were a little messy and it drove a friend of mine, who works with flowers for a living, a little crazy. I think she actually winced when she saw them! She asked me if she could do something with them and I said sure! I wanted to see what a professional would do with them and I watched very closely. Watching her just hold the flowers filled me with delight, she has a special connection to them and this was going to be wonderful! She turned my motley arrangement of flowers into a beautiful, photo worthy creation. Then she looked at my face. If my mouth doesn’t give me away my face will. I really loved the arrangement and smile every time I look at them. What bothered me was I realized that for some people my wild ways were not all that attractive.

I’m a little messy and disorganized, so was my flower arrangement. I like to think of myself as a little wild, free spirited, outspoken slightly crazy person. People don’t necessarily respond as I would hope to my craziness and all the other wonderful attributes I have. They want to reign me in and turn me into some neat and tidy flower arrangement, because it makes them more comfortable! Not only are those flowers a reflection of me and how people respond to me, they are also a reflection of the person who felt the need to arrange them that way. I do not want to be tamed!!! I do not want to conform. I do not want to be like anyone else. My wild and messy flowers were now a neat and tidy but beautiful arrangement. I must drive some people crazy with my spontaneous and fly by the seat of my pants life! Good! If you are one of them and are reading this (I wish I could type that raspberry noise) I am sticking my tongue out like a five year old. God people are so serious. Fuck, loosen up people!

Even though I can be messy, I straighten things. When I go to your house I will straighten your artwork, fix the towels in your bathroom, line shoes up and if you let me, put your spices in alphabetical order. I will be moving to a new place in a few weeks. This will be only the second time in my life I had a place of my own where there was no one around to have an opinion on anything and there is a part of my that wants to dance for joy!   I am going to hang some pictures at odd angles just to remind myself of my need to line things up and also see who goes slightly crazy from all the crookedness. My lawn is another great example of my life. There it is 2.5 acres of wildness. I love seeing the dandelions and all the little weeds and funny things that pop up out of the ground. My late husband spent a lot of time in the yard cutting, trimming and pruning that wildness into submission. He never did that to me! He told me once that when he started the lawn tractor he swore that I went outside and talked to the dandelions and told them to duck when he mowed over them! There were always some dandelions left and I think he left them there on purpose just to make me smile.  God, I miss that man!

It is 5 am on a Saturday morning and I am waiting for a response from my flower arranging friend to use this story. I don’t want to make her uncomfortable, that was not the point. I love her, she is creative, funny and a joy to know. I just wanted to explore the flower arrangement and what it represented for me. So, how are your flowers arranged? I just want to sit back and watch people be themself without judging them. Observe people and at some point you will notice yourself being reflected back at you. Right and wrong is a societal and individual construct. Don’t judge just explore. So next time you mow the lawn think of me, the dandelion whisperer! I will be here rolling on the floor laughing my ass off!

Serenity’s Path

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

When you pull into my driveway there is a locked gate. Just past that gate on the left there was a rather large hand carved wooden sign that hung between two tall spiked medieval looking metal posts. The sign read Serenity’s Path. One day as I was leaving for work the sign had, after many years, rotted and crumbled to the ground. Me being me, I thought, I hope that is not a sign. I now think it was. The crumbled serenity sign reminded me that all things must end and nothing in this life is permanent. The signs are everywhere so look for them!

I lived behind a locked gate in a land called Serenity’s Path. I was happy there, or was I? When I would drive home after work I had to stop to open and close the gate and always stood for a moment to hang all the things from the day that I wanted to let go of on one of the posts. I would then thank the winds for carrying them far away and continue on to the house where my man, conversation and a cup of coffee were waiting. It was my life and while I loved it there was also this feeling of restlessness deep inside me that I didn’t quite understand. I had a wonderful husband, a business, a job and friends I adored so this restlessness confused me.

I asked Howard one afternoon, as we sat on the deck drinking coffee in the warm sun, if he would be willing to sell everything we owned, get in the truck with our travel trailer behind us and go on a great adventure. As per usual he raised his eyebrows, he did that a lot for some of my ideas, and said “Why would I want to do that, I love it here, There is so much I want to do here.” He had plans, so many plans. Now he’s gone, a half finished sculpture still sits on his work bench, and I am sitting here, drinking coffee in my yellow mug, with the same yearning for something more.

I want more than to spend eight hours of my day in a job that I have no interest in and a business that takes up an extreme amount of my free time. What am I doing this for? I am not a materialistic person so it wasn’t to get bigger and fancier things. Society places a lot of emphasis on and tries to convince you that your self worth is tied to being productive and having a career and all the right stuff. We live in a sad sad world that places too much importance on things that really don’t mean anything In the long run. It is all an illusion. Talk to anyone on their deathbed and you will not hear them say I wish I had worked more or had more material things. They say things like, I wish I had spent more time with my family and friends. They wish they had slowed down enough to enjoy the life they had. Don’t be that person! Enjoy what is right in front of you, this precious moment, because it will not last. Nothing is permanent, not the wonderful times and certainly not the bad ones.

There is an upside to all this! With the acceptance of no one thing being permanent comes freedom. I know my grief will not last, I know that bad days only last one day, people come and go and I don’t have to get used to any one way of being unless I choose to. While my driveway is straight, the path to serenity is not. The path has twists and turns, viewing areas and it sometimes doubles back to show you something you missed the first time. Whatever you are going through today, remember, it is only temporary. Learn from it, savour it because soon it will all just be a memory. Also remember it is your choice to view the world in the way you do. You can always change your mind and your viewpoint.

Live like you mean it
Peace and love to you all
Donna

On the 8th day she rested.

Published on by Donna Gray3 Comments

 

Well it has been an interesting week! I had some type of awakening sitting in my chair waiting for the coffee to brew one morning and the next day I started writing a blog and sharing some very personal things with the online world. I know, what the hell was I thinking? You must know that I have not written anything longer than a poem ( in the last 14 years) before I had this great idea to start a blog. I have attempted to journal in the past but putting my thoughts on paper just did not appeal to me. When I need to express my thoughts and feelings,  I usually talk to a friend. There is something about sharing that helps me in ways journaling never has. Journaling is like talking to myself and I find that I do not get the release or relief that I need from it. I think the world needs people to share their stories more. We all have a story. I am not talking about fictional stories, I want to know what makes you, well you. My blog is a symbolic way for me to talk to the universe! I want and need to connect with other people and sometimes think those connections are the only thing keeping me remotely sane. My friends would say it’s not working cause I am still walking on the crazy side of the street. Who the hell would want to be normal? Normal is for those people who are too afraid to live and show the world their freaky side. I am embracing the freak! Not only do I embrace my inner freak, I embrace yours!

In some ways I think a poem that I wrote is what started this adventure and helped me release some of the self imposed restraints that were choking me to death. Here is my poem. It has no title and I have no desire to give it one, who needs labels!

Embrace the dark and broken pieces of your soul
Your strength is born of the scars
and the fire that burns and shapes, burns and shapes.
Dance among the flames until nothing remains
but the warm grey ash of who you once were.
In your heart are the embers of the ones who danced before you
The oceans are filled and the earth is cleansed
with their tears of sorrow and joy.
Let go, release yourself to the wind and trust, just trust
Love and dreams are carried through the air
and the sun shines fresh light upon the earth
Dance new spirit, fast, strong and full of heat
on this path forged from the fires of us all.

Now, we could analyze that poem to death. I have analyzed many poems written by people with far greater talent than myself.  I want to know how the poem made you feel. Did you feel anything? I am on a mission to encourage people (myself included) to think more with their heart and less with their head. Poetry can help with that because it is all symbolic and well shit, lots of poetry does not make an ounce of sense to my mind. But poetry speaks to my heart, not my mind! My mind wants rules, likes to put things in little categories, line things up and make everything neat and tidy. My heart is more wild, messy, loves to dance with other people and loves for the sheer joy of it! My head is full of fears, insecurities, problems, and anxiety so why would I want to view life from there.

Three cheers for the people who have the courage to live from their heart! They have blazed a trail for the rest of us who are starting to wake up and what a beautiful trail it is. I am tired today so I think I am just going to laze around the house, read a book, eat some healthy food and drink tea. I think I am tired from the awakening I had last week. I think I gave birth to myself that day and that is hard work! So on the 8th day I am going to rest.

Peace and love to all
xoxoxo
Donna

Heart Guru

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

It is 4 am and I am tired this morning. Not physically tired, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m tired of people telling me what I should do and how I should do it. I am tired of information that floods the media telling me how to be better, faster, stronger, nicer, more centered, more productive and on and on and on. I am obviously lacking the qualities that a happy and healthy 53 year old should possess, everyone is telling me so. There are articles and books galore on how to be successful, how to grieve, how to know when your in love, how to be a parent. No wonder the world is so fucked up! I have a brain and I know how to use it thank you very much. I also have a beautiful, huge heart and I use it on a regular basis too. I know how to be me! I’m sure that everyone on the planet has those two organs of delight and despair, you pick which one is described by which word for yourself, I am tired. Okay, I think my heart as well as the rest of my body gives me clues as to what is going on. Have you ever been in love? Yes? Well then I think you have a fairly good idea how that feels. You don’t need a book or a guru of any kind to tell you how it is supposed to feel. You are the guru of your own heart! Remember that, it’s important.

Let’s look at love. There are many forms and degrees of it and sure some people can make a right bloody mess of it but it is still love. For me, love is never controlling, smothering, or restricting. Love is a celebration, an expansion and an earth shaking event in some cases! It contains heat and passion,  at least it does for me. I love chocolate but that love is quite different from the love I feel for my friends, or is it?   I love dark chocolate because it is dark chocolate, I don’t need to change it, correct it, or enhance it. I enjoy the chocolate (I must really love it, I talk about it a lot) just because it is it! Same with my friends, I love them just the way they are and I do not feel the need to change one little thing about them. Well that is not true, I wish they would call me on the phone more and text me less. That is what I want and all my friends already know this about me. I tell them that and then let it go, what they do with the info is up to them. Do I get angry when they continue to text me? No, I send them a text that says can we talk on the phone instead? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no. Does this mean they don’t love me because they don’t do what I want? Did you catch that? I may want them to do something differently but it does not stop me from loving them to bits nor does it mean they don’t love me. I’m tiny and cute and weirdly funny, how could they resist me!

While I do believe that actions speak louder than words, sometimes you just need to hear the words. I tell my family and friends that I love them on a regular basis and I plan to do it more often. It makes them feel good! When someone enters my world, I make room for them in my heart and in my life. This is the expansive part of love. It is inclusive not exclusive. I wonder what would happen if we tried to love everybody, even those deemed unlovable. The rejects, the odd balls, the people who dance to the beat of their own drum, need to know they are loved and they deserve it too. Love is not something you get from someone else it is something you give! Ya can’t get what ya don’t give. Love is an inside job and then it expands outward and spreads to all those around you. Spread the love people, share it, hug as many people as you can, put yourself and your heart out there.

Books can be handy and so can gurus, simply because they may say or do something that shakes you up and gets you to look at the world or yourself in a different way. Expand the horizons of your mind even. They can present you with information that you did not have and a different knowledge base from which you can process life’s ups and downs and view the world. Just a reminder that the authors and gurus are humans, they just may have a bit of knowledge and insight that you don’t and a talent for writing or a phenominal editor perhaps. They still have to put their own pants on one leg at a time. Well, there is this one guy I know that can do both legs at once but all that took was some practice. Knowledge is powerful and the more knowledge you have the better. But don’t discount your inner knowledge. You were born with this innate sense of what is right (I try not to use the words right and wrong but like I told you, I am tired) for you and you have instincts, so use them. What is your gut telling you? What is your soul crying out for? What makes you dance with joy?

If you go about your life expecting to run into assholes everyday then you are going to run into assholes everyday. We notice what we turn our attention to. So look inward and bring your attention to what you see, think and feel. I know it can be tough at first! It was tough for me, but I am a rebellious little soul. Perhaps you are not rebellious and it will be as easy as pie for you. You may begin to notice some strange things happening, after a little while. It is going to be different for everyone but you will recognize the beauty, the dark and scary corners, your beliefs, your soul. Look at yourself, listen to yourself and observe yourself interacting with the world around you. You may find the heart guru that has been hiding in there all this time. Throw the books (I can’t believe I just said that about books) and other peoples opinions out and discover you. Have an intimate moment with yourself. Have a lot of intimate moments with yourself! When it comes to your life are you going to trust some guru or your own gut? No guts no glory takes on a whole new meaning now doesn’t it?

Be your own guru!

Love you all, Donna

 

Green Cadillacs

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

If you happened to read my post yesterday you know I wrote about being set up by the universe. If you didn’t read it, do it now, I don’t want to explain it again this early in the morning. Well, this didn’t just happen to me once, this happens to me all the time! Set up again and again and again. Be careful what you pray for, wish for, or the thoughts you put out there, cause the universe is listening. Even if you forget all about it, your wishes are still floating around out there and the universe never forgets. When I say set up, it is not necessarily a bad thing unless you don’t have the ability to laugh at yourself or the curve balls that life throws your way

Someone told me a story about a woman who for years wished for a green Cadillac. It was her dream car and she was determined to have one in her life. One evening she is sitting in her favourite chair watching television and wham ( yes, my sound effects need work) a car had crashed right through the wall of her living room and there it was, a green Cadillac. When I heard this I thought to myself, dumb woman, she needed to be more specific with her wishes.

To make life more interesting not only does the universe never forget, it also has a wicked sense of humour!  Here is my car story. I wanted a vintage Chevy and I loved cars and trucks from the early 50’s. It just so happened that the man I loved restored vintage cars so this was going to be a breeze. I looked at a number of old Chevys and some were in horrible shape, someone bought it just before I got there or something else happened to prevent me from finding a car. What in the hell was going on here? I thought, shit, I would have an easier time finding a green Cadillac and laughed it off. Well one month later that is exactly what I ended up with a 1951 green Cadillac. I fell in love with her curves and attitude. Her name is Lola and she got restored, customized and painted a beautiful dusty mauve. That is Lola’s picture at the top of the page!

Another thing that happens to me is I win stuff. I win stuff on a regular basis and it is usually something I neither need nor want. If there is a raffle and I have donated one of the prizes, I’ll be damned if I don’t win the prize I donated. I have won the same prize 3 times in one month!!!  I finally stopped donating it as a prize at the car shows and took it home and put it in the garage. It obviously wanted to stay with me. I was having a conversation about this with someone and asked them “Why do I win all this stuff, why can’t I win something practical like money?” We both laughed. Later that same evening I won a small but significant amount of money and continued to win money for the next two months. So I guess I just need to ask the universe questions and laugh about them.

Some of you know that I had a wonderful relationship that ended when my husband, Howard, passed away last year. I have signed up with an online dating site recently and I am not enjoying the whole process all that much. It is like window shopping for a relationship at Canadian Tire. I might have better luck if I hung out at the store! I’ll stand in front of the store with a placard and oh never mind. Anyway, you see a picture of a person if they even bother to post one. Gentlemen, find a friend with a cell phone and ask them to take your picture. It is not hard to put a picture online! When you do put one up, please make it a recent one!!!!! Sorry, it had to be said. So, you see their picture, there are some basic statistics and a little write up called a profile which tells you everything about them and absolutely nothing of value. I made mine a little weird cause that’s the way I roll. I don’t know how to navigate my way through these dating waters anymore. I know it works, the eharmony guy says so. That is also how I met Howard. So, I asked the universe why can’t this work for me twice and why can’t I have a relationship that is even better than I dreamed possible and then I laughed.  Oh Shit!

 

 

Hug people, lots and lots of people

Love ya, Donna

Ramdom Shit and Leaping

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

 

I turned the television on last night around nine o’clock and turned it off after ten minutes. I had no interest in anything they offered on any of the two hundred plus channels and spent the entire 10 minutes scrolling through the channel guide. So then I picked up a book and just could not get interested in that either. Maybe because it was fiction and I am focusing on what is real and alive, maybe not. You have to understand that books have been my candy since my mother taught me to read. If Mom offered me a choice of chocolate ( which I happen to love) or a book, I would pick the book every time. A chocolate bar would be gone and happily settled in my stomach within 2 minutes but a book would transport me to another world for a few hours. I love books! I like their weight and shape, the smell of a new book and the texture of the pages. Yes, I am the person you see fanning the pages and smelling the books in the store! I am just a wee bit odd. I even thought about having a square of caramel covered in dark chocolate with a sprinkle of sea salt. Then I remembered that my 53 year old body would not sleep if I ate it that late at night. No coffee, chocolate, or other stimulants after 4pm and no food after 7pm. If I eat anything after 7 pm I have nightmares, jeez nightmares are for kids!

Apparently what I am interested in is sitting at the computer and writing about feelings, life, heartache, joy and other shit. Well, my life has not turned out the way I expected. I thought I would be married with a few grown children who would bless me with grandchildren and grow old, safe in the bosom of my family. No, instead I am sitting here by myself in a house that seems too big and empty, pouring my heart out to strangers that most likely will remain strangers. Oh, don’t feel bad for me. I am not unhappy or lonely. I feel stronger and more sure of myself than I have at any other point in my life. I just never expected to be alone when I arrived here.

I am beginning to suspect that once I turned 50 some parts of me started getting younger while physically I am aging. Like a child I go to bed early and get up really early. Sugar and caffeine make me jittery. I say what I want and do what I want. I spend most of my time playing. I take naps in the afternoon. I have to make bathroom stops frequently. My attention span is shorter. I get distracted easily, oh look a squirrel! I have no concept of time and am shocked when I look at the clock and realize it is time for bed. My skin is getting softer. I like simple food. I cry more and laugh more too. The thing I have always wanted to try that children can get away with is having a temper tantrum in the middle of the bank. Scream this line up is too long and the service sucks while I stamp my feet and cry loud enough to make people cover their ears. That would be hilarious! I posted a quote on Facebook this morning by Brendon Burchard that says, “I would rather be a hot mess of bold action, a make-it happen-learn-on-the-fly kind of person than a perfectly organized coward.” Now, I have no idea who this man is but I liked what he said.  I don’t for a minute think that all organized people are cowards, just anal control freaks.

Let me tell you a secret, it’s not much of a secret anymore but what the hell. Some people would say (and they have, right to my face) I seem like an organized person who has their shit together. This usually makes me laugh because I am not organized and have lived my entire life figuring things out as I go. I started a business because I couldn’t find a bag I liked to carry my yoga mat in. I had no intention of starting a business and the next thing I know I am ordering stock for a store and creating a website.  What I didn’t know was that the universe was setting me up. Yup, it set me up! Me having that store introduced me to hundreds perhaps thousands of people over the five years and a number of them have become my closest friends. I started a business and found my tribe, the people who would be with me through some of the best and worst times of my life. The people who love me and help me celebrate the weird and wonderful woman I have become.  I never did find that bag!

So to all you efficient and organized people out there. Let your hair down, leave the dishes in the sink (they will still be there when you get home) go outside and meander aimlessly and let the universe lead you by your heart down the rabbit hole even if it is just for a day. You may be surprised by what you will find.  I am glad that I have the ability to leap into the unknown with my eyes wide open and a huge woohoo  from my soul.  Some of the best moments in my life have come from that, some of the best people too.  I have no idea how to get this font back to the original size, sorry.

 

Be brave and leap but don’t be stupid.  Stupid ends up on with a cameo  appearance on television or youtube.

Love you all, Donna