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Kitchens of Love and Laughter

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Woke up this morning at 5:30 to a wet world that smells so fresh.  It rained during the night and the birds were singing enthusiastically this morning in celebration.  We have not had much rain this spring and us locals usually call our home the Wet Coast.  I love the sunny weather we are having, but (I can’t believe I am saying this) I miss the rain. It gives me an excuse to stay home and curl up with a good book and a glass of tea.

Cooked supper for friends last night and I realized how much I missed a kitchen full of people laughing, talking and eating together.  I have lived my life in self imposed isolation for so long that I forgot what it was like to be surrounded by people.  I am looking forward to buying a new home and cooking for friends.  I love to cook and try new recipes.  Well, I read recipes for inspiration then do my own thing.  I have never been great at following directions!  Some of my best memories involve being in someone’s kitchen with a group of friends.  I spent a lot of time in other people’s kitchens while growing up, playing cards, making music,eating, drinking and laughing.  So I spent the night at a friend’s house and am writing this morning at their kitchen island.  There is much food and laughter shared around this island.  I also have come to realize that this kitchen and the people in it have become a huge part of my life and my healing.  The kitchens of my past were filled with love and laughter and I know the kitchens of my future will be as well.

I am going to pay more attention to kitchens.  I think they truly are the heart of the home. Pay attention to what goes on in your own kitchen as this could be a barometer for the atmosphere of your home.  I like a tidy kitchen, it doesn’t have to be spotless but tidy and organized without a doubt.  I cannot cook in a messy kitchen.  I do have to admit that I have wanted to organize the kitchen for a few people and have even done it once.  I don’t really care if your kitchen is messy, it is your kitchen.  I do not judge you based on the condition of your kitchen.  It is your heart that captures me.  I watch how you treat other people, your family, and see how willing you are to laugh at yourself and the life stuff that is tossed your way.  If you have heart I don’t care how tidy your house is.

Just got a text message with a tarot card for the day from the Osho Zen tarot deck.  Oddly enough, the card was isolation but they spell it ice-olation.  My self imposed isolation was in a sense like being encased in a block of ice and my friends both old and new are contributing to my melting and merging back into a warm and caring community.  They are helping me find myself again. This is a family, the people who feed my body and soul.  Family is so much more than just blood relatives. Family is also the people you choose to spend time with that nurture your spirit and encourage you to be the best you possible.  I hope that in some small way I do the same for them, they mean the world to me.

So, as I sit here beside a fish named George pondering the significance of kitchens and families, I am filled with warm memories and heated hopes and desires.  There is fire in my soul once again and while I do not know what the future holds for me I am full of excited anticipation like a small child on Christmas morning.  Everyday brings more light and clarity of heart.  You have given me the space to heal and for that I thank you and give you the biggest and warmest hug.  Thank you for allowing me to find myself again.  If you ever get to Vancouver Island send a message, perhaps we can get together in the kitchen of my new home and fill it with food, companionship and wild hearted laughter.  I am looking forward to it.  Peace and love to all of you.

Hug trees and please don’t kill spiders

Donna

 

 

Spirit Says

Published on by Donna Gray3 Comments

Well this morning I decided to change things up and sit in my slightly soiled chair once again.  It definitely gives me a different perspective on the room .  I even grabbed a different coffee mug out of the cupboard and my coffee is steaming away in a mug created by a local artist that has a woman and a white raven on it.  Sometimes I feel the need to change things and other times the comfort of routine and familiarity is what I crave. That commercial jingle “sometimes I feel like a nut, sometimes I don’t”, keeps running through my mind.  I realize I talk about living with heart a lot and today will be no exception.  Spirit tells me that they cannot emphasize how important us living from our heart is and that the world needs as many heart centered people as it can get.    Keep writing, spirit says, talk about the heart spirit says.  Fine, fine I will do it but people are going to get tired of it very quickly.

So what is all this heart based writing about?  If you look back over history we have done some horrible things to each other, animals and the planet.  Most of these acts come from a place of fear, the need for power over, plain old greed and ego.  We cannot continue to behave in the same way and expect different results.  Something has to change.  While there have always been people doing great selfless things, I think the numbers are swelling. The media is focused on feeding the fears and the feel good stories are few and far between.  The internet and social media have given some a platform for policing and reporting on the actions of others.  They see someone doing something they don’t agree with and snap a picture and post it to Facebook.  I noticed the other day someone had taken a picture of the back of someones car and called them out for throwing a cigarette butt out of their window.  Stupid thing to do definitely, but did the person snapping the picture stop and deal with the cigarette butt or just go on a rant about it.  This type of calling someone out makes me uncomfortable though I am not sure why.  Brings to mind police state, witch trials, and lynch mobs I guess.  This makes me nervous.  What does this have to do with heart centered living?  Absolutely nothing, isn’t that great!

It doesn’t have anything to do with the heart.  It is all about right and wrong, us and them etc etc.  There is even a local page dedicated to calling out people who park without regard for others.  Why would someone spend so much of their time on a page like this?  I would like to have a coffee and a chat with them to see what lies underneath the need to out bad parkers in a public form.  I had someone come into my shop and she had some psychic abilities.  She looked at me and said there is nothing but fear stopping you.  I was a little offended and curious at the time.  Then she reached out and touched me which made me extremely uncomfortable ( I don’t like strangers touching me) and said, “They can’t kill you this time.”  I completely forgot about her hand on my arm  and almost danced for joy because she woke something up in me with that statement.  I thought, you are right it is not easy for them to kill me for my beliefs this time.  It was like a great weight was lifted off of my shoulders.  I was free to be me.

So I talk about spirit, the universe, animals, symbols, plants and energy healing.  At one point in our history that would have gotten me burned at the stake.  In this day and age you would think people would not have the same fears but those who were persecuted and the people who persecuted them have passed down their beliefs and their DNA to their descendants and depending on your belief system some have carried the echoes of these things into the life that they are in now.  I remember some of my past lives and I was usually the persecuted one because I have always been a healer in some capacity or another.  In this life some people still react with fear.  They are afraid I can see the things they try to hide from others and they are right sometimes I can.  So could anyone else that observes people on a regular basis and reads their body language and watches how they interact with others.  That does not take psychic abilities.

I see what motivates people, the essence of who they are, spirit animals and I now see (this is a new thing) some of the people in their lives who are no longer with us.  I say I see, but that is not an accurate description.  I feel them and am unable to explain it any better than that.  I get feelings and just know certain things.  Right now there is a spirit hovering over my left shoulder reading as I am writing.  I cannot see her but I know she is female and believe this is my maternal Grandmother.  She just turned to me and smiled when I typed grandmother.  For some reason she is very excited about what I am writing, maybe interested is a better word.  I come from a line of people who had strong intuitive abilities and perhaps my Grandmother was one of them she is nodding her head and has her hands clasped together.  I know that my mother used to see people who had crossed over but she was not comfortable with it and never spoke about it.  Thanks Grandma!

What does all this have to do with living a heart entered life?  I know, sometimes it takes me a while to get to the point  We all have gifts or talents, whatever you want to call them.  If you are coming from a place of love or with heart those talents are of great service to the entire planet and all its inhabitants. If you don’t know what your talents are look to your heart.  It will almost burst with joy when you find it.  What makes your soul light up?  Find that.  Do that, even if you don’t think you are ready.  I was having a bit of a rebellious streak and told spirit they could wait until I was damn ready to write.  They told me that was fine, I was only wasting my own time!  So much for the rebellion.  I hope that the person with the parking page realizes that their talents and time are wasted on  that and they have far more to contribute.  I hope they discover their gifts because what they are doing is not far off the mark.  They just need to shift their time and focus to something other than badly parked cars.

So stop avoiding your talent or gift and stop focusing on what others may or may not be doing.  Look for the things that make your soul light up, that is what we are supposed to contribute to the world.  Sometimes it is the smallest talent that has the most impact so do not discount it even if it seems odd or tiny in comparison with others.  Stop comparing and just be you.  You are enough and you were born to do this.  Go out there and spread some love today.

Okay, I went outside for a moment before I hit the publish button and had two strange experiences.  I was wishing that my writing skills were better than they are and that I was more eloquent.  Spirit said enough of that.  Spirit wants you to know that the fears are constructed by your mind and wants me to remind you that your heart is fearless.  So live fearlessly and follow your heart.  I also encountered a male spirit who was distraught.  He was pacing up and down the path and muttering to himself so I asked him what was wrong.  He said, “I lost it, I lost it all!”  Don’t ask me how I know but he was swindled out of all his money and felt ashamed and did not want to go home and face his family.  We had a quick discussion and by the end of it he had a huge smile on his face and waved goodbye as I stood on the path with tears streaming down my face because once again I got to witness the power of love and compassion.  What a wonderful way to start the day.

 

Much love and many hugs to all

Donna

Curves and Chrome

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Did you know that I like old cars and trucks? I saw this beautiful blue Chevy truck yesterday with a split windshield from the late forties or early fifties. I hung around for a bit to see if the owner would show up so I could talk to him or her, never assume a vintage vehicle is owned by a man. I am still not used to technology and forgot to take a picture of it. I fell in love with the truck and wanted to buy this truck. Now I need another vehicle like I need a hole in my head but this truck spoke to my soul. The lines and the grill were simple yet beautiful and the stance was solid reminding me of a mountain gorilla. I like all the curves and small details the older vehicles have, they are art on wheels. I don’t care about fancy paint jobs! I like the weathered look on cars just like I do on men. The older vehicles are interesting and older men are interesting. Ooh I am starting to see a connection here. What appeals to me about the old cars is the same thing that appeals to me about people.

My daily driver is a Subaru Crosstrek and if you stand and look at the front it looks like an angry bird of some sort. Most of the newer vehicles look angry, weird huh. The world is also full of angry stressed out people. The new cars are all sharp angles and seemingly pointless curves designed to make them more aerodynamic. Not so much rolling art, but rolling science. I have had enough science. Everyday someone comes out with a new scientific study saying don’t eat this, don’t do that, blah blah blah. What the hell has happened to us? We are so bombarded with scientific information it can be a little overwhelming. I have had my new car for four months and there is so much technology I still haven’t figured out how all of it works. At one time I would have read the manual before I drove it, not at this point in my life. I would fall asleep from boredom in about two minutes. Ooh perhaps I just found a cure for insomnia!

I like things that are unique and I like people that are uniques as well. Show me someone who dances to the beat of their own drum and we are sure to be great friends in minutes. I appreciate authenticity, honesty, verbal banter, teasing, playfulness, and individuality. The vintage car people seem to have a culture all their own and I really enjoy the car owners that appreciate an old car regardless of the money spent restoring it. I like the old clunkers without the pristine paint and interiors and I usually like the people who own them. Guess I am that way myself, no fancy paint and a little weatherbeaten. I don’t enjoy car snobs anymore than I enjoy snooty people. We all have to use the bathroom and wipe our own bums! Well unless you have a bidet then that takes things to a different level.

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When I get behind the wheel of my 51 Caddy I feel different. I love driving this car!  This car was heavily customized and I really wanted air bags so I could sit Lola on the ground but had to settle for lowering her nine inches. The boys in the low rider club said she just wasn’t low enough to be part of the club damn it. I have had so much fun with this Caddy and have met some wonderful people when I take her out for a drive. I just don’t plan a short trip anywhere. Even just stopping to gas up can take an hour or more. People want to know about the car and I had to learn how to not be self conscious when complete strangers come up to me and start asking questions. Because she has no roof at all I can hear the things people say when I drive past them. Now this car has curves and chrome and reminds me of a fat bottomed woman. I always check out cars rear ends and I am always checking out men’s rear ends! I have a thing for bums apparently. I fell in love with her the moment I saw her. The picture at the top is what she looked like before Howard performed his magic on her.
I guess my love of old cars is related to my yearning for simpler times and my love of simple people. Life is complicated and I don’t need complicated relationships or people in it. Don’t dismiss an old rat rod because it doesn’t have the shiny paint or the bling. Don’t dismiss people that don’t fancy it up either. You never know what they have hidden under the hood or inside their heart.
Hug everyone
Spread some joy

Donna

Moon Dance

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I have always been drawn to the moon. I spent a lot of time as a child gazing into the night sky and dreaming. I dreamt of times and lives past. Strange dreams for a young child. There is one particular woman that I have dreamt about many times over the years. I see her in different time periods, but she is always the same, always her. She is alone, searching or waiting for someone or something. Her hair is always long and she is strong of spirit and connected to nature in ways I don’t understand yet. It is almost as if she is part of everything and everything is part of her. She has a way with plants and animals, they speak to her and she listens. It is always dark when I dream of her. Sometimes she rides a horse through the woods, stands on a windswept cliff looking out over the ocean, walks along cobblestoned streets or tends her garden near a solitary thatched cottage in the moonlight. I have no idea why I dream of her. The dreams are comforting though and I feel as if I know her, like I know myself. I am not sure why she came to mind tonight, but then again I am never asleep when I dream of her. She just comes into my mind, a silent movie in my mind. So tonight I wrote a poem that I will share with you. Like it, don’t like it, it doesn’t really matter. The words want to be expressed and I am the just the writer.

 

mindless movement

cool grass under feet

legs bare, arms raised

hips sway gently

hesitantly softly

breath and heart

earth’s rhythm

quickens with the wind

leaves quiver, hair flies

faster, harsher

power and emotion

spill into darkness

from bone and blood

to roots and dirt

all are connected

indifferent moon above

witness to the dance

 

This is a slightly odd post, but as always I feel compelled to write. I don’t sit down with a plan. I was planning to do some artwork this evening and got out my sketchbook but no inspiration came. So I sat with a piece of paper and there was a poem. The poem came first, the topic was triggered by that. I thought everyone saw silent movies in their minds. Can’t believe I never thought to ask anyone about it. Then again I learned at a young age not to ask too many questions.  Once in a while what I see will manifest a few days or weeks after I see it. I have dreamt (while sleeping) of people and have met them a few weeks later. They usually end up being an important part of my journey on this earth. Other times, I will meet someone and there is a knowing. I know them somehow on some level that I do not fully comprehend and this is happening to me more frequently. With this knowing comes a love for them. This has nothing to do with a sexual love, just plain old unconditional love. There are also some people that I react very strongly to when I meet them, this can be on either a physical or emotional level and I am always wary of them. Once in a while this wariness is unfounded though most times it is not. Is this some type of internal warning system, my intuition perhaps? I do not have any answers. I see things and animals give me messages. Strange for you perhaps, but normal for me. I just share parts of my story so that others know that they are not alone.

Some of the seers, the healers, and the misunderstood isolated themselves and kept these things to themselves out of fear, fear of rejection, ridicule, heartache and persecution. They have tremendous hearts and are very sensitive to the world around them. They do not talk about these things with others. At this point, I will talk about anything even if it leaves me open and vulnerable to being rejected by others. Do not be so quick to judge those you don’t understand. You don’t even need to understand them or believe what they believe to treat them with kindness. People fear what they do not understand or things that challenge their belief systems. Unfortunately fear leads men and women to perpetrate horrible acts against others. Love is everything fear is not. Love heals while fear destroys. Be the love and show others kindness and compassion. The world and its people need all the healing they can get.

 

Much peace and love to all of you

Donna

Connections

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Well it is a rainy morning with strong winds here in Sooke. I woke up at three this morning when the power was restored and the lights and music came back on. Had an interesting day yesterday, gathering information about some things that I need to take care of and about the internal world of Donna. So, I want things to move quickly and the universe keeps slowing me down. Problems keep arising to test my abilities at solving them. Roadblocks on the path I want to go running down, broken fingers, timing is off and sometimes just plain old annoying delays. I want to run and skip and the universe is asking me to slow down and smell the flowers. The universe is much wiser than I am.

I think we are trained from a young age to always be doing something. We have lost the fine art of just being with ourselves and others. You must be productive in this society to be considered of value. We once looked up to our elders for guidance and wisdom, now we push them aside and chase the fountain of youth trying to stop the natural progression that we are all going to go through. With age comes wisdom that is lost on most youth. I am enjoying my fifties with my naturally streaked grey hair, laugh lines on my face and the wisdom I have gained from my experiences. I think we need to redefine what productive and having value means. Does sitting somewhere with people, everyone’s eyes glued to their personal communication device demonstrate the disconnect we have from the world around us? I am over 50 what do I know?  I think it is rude! When I go out for lunch or dinner, I usually ( I’m not perfect) turn the damn thing off and concentrate on what is right in front of me and the people I am with. I am interested in what is going on around me. I learn a lot this way.

I check in with Facebook, read and send texts and check my email just like everyone else. I just do it when I am alone. I stopped at a local coffee shop to grab some lunch yesterday and rather than pull out my iPhone and fo the facebook thing, I ate my food and watched the people. I even made eye contact with a few people. One thing I did observe was a table full of men all over 50 with not a mobile phone in sight. They were having a great time, talking, laughing, ribbing each other and you could literally see the connection between them. My God they even hugged and touched! Few tables over a father with a baby cuddled against his chest, phone out food ignored, his wife eating lunch and looking at her phone. Did they really taste their food? They didn’t even talk to each other the entire time I was there! One more table with a lone female (she had awesome red boots on) looking at her phone. Someone came in and sat down with her and she put her phone away and with a big smile greeted the gentleman. Ten points for her! It is amazing what I notice when my phone is in my purse.

It may surprise you to know that I only purchased my cell phone three years ago because I spent a lot of time driving and wanted it for emergencies. I live in the boonies. I also still have all my family and friends phone numbers stored in my head and know when their birthdays are as well. I don’t rely on my phone all that much and am still getting used to what they term a hands free world. I liked the hands on world! I like hugging, making eye contact and touching people. I like interacting with people, not my phone. Call me please, don’t text me, I want to hear your voice! I actually texted a friend who was sitting across the table from me having lunch and it read, Hello I am over here. She looked shocked and then we actually had a conversation.

I want and need that personal connection with others. I appreciate the fact that the Internet and Facebook allow me to keep in touch with people who live far away from me, but for the people who are right here I want to see and hear them. I don’t think it is too much to ask that people shut their phones off. Try it you just might like it. Or, you will be the only one with your phone turned off and you get to watch the rest of them and trust me most of them won’t even notice you doing it. If they do catch you watching them give them a big smile and really confuse them! So check in with me through a text but please phone so I can hear you and connect with you, it means a lot to me. Did you know you can hear someone smile on the phone? Try it next time you talk to someone, smile and see if they can hear it. Okay, that’s it for today, I am going to meditate and send some healing energy to a friend Mark’s dog Riley. Have a wonderful weekend and spread some love around.

 

 

Love you all

Blessings

Donna

Waiting Room Observations

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

I had a few hours to sit and watch people come and go through one of the largest ERs in our fair city yesterday. There was so much going on it was difficult to process it all. I attempted to talk to some of the people sitting in the waiting area with me but for the most part they were not interested. Bummer. While I was there for something minor, a broken finger sustained when I fell up the stairs at home, some of these people were in a lot of pain. One young woman paced and talked about how bad the pain was for her. It didn’t matter if she was standing or sitting the pain was severe. I wanted to reach out to her, but felt It was not my place. I wonder why I felt that way? I could have helped with energy work and showed her some breathing techniques for the pain but I just sat there and watched her pace and be largely ignored by the staff as person after person was called from their chair into the little treatment rooms. She was there when I arrived and approximately 10 people were seen before her. One nurse did approach her and asked her not to pace in that area and to please sit down. She did get looked at while I was still there and was sent home and told to take Tylenol, there was nothing they could do for her, her back was out and it was, how did the doctor put it, a mechanical issue that they could not treat. Wow!

Another thing I noticed was almost every person had a cell phone and eyes locked on that little screen they were barely cognizant of the fact that there were other people around. I did send two or three texts myself but I saw and heard a lot. I also felt a lot. It was difficult for me to be back at that hospital. That was where we got Howard’s cancer diagnosis and my world started falling apart. The couple sitting next to me were very emotional, he was dying and they were waiting for a bed to have a procedure that would make him more comfortable while they prepared for the inevitable ending. I felt their pain. I asked them if I could get them anything while they waited, what I really wanted to do was hug them. They declined and said they were fine. They were fine. I reached out to them in the only way I could and wished I could have done more.

I also had a bit of a chuckle as one particularly agile woman in her 50’s made a break for it with nurses running after her. She needed to use the bathroom, they called security and she was escorted back to her room. Well let’s say she walked at a marathon pace and now had two nurses and two security guards trying to keep up with her. She winked at me when she went by and that is when I laughed!  Another older gentleman (in his eighties) with a broken shoulder moved to another chair down the hall and left his jacket behind, no one noticed. I returned his jacket to him and we had a short but sweet conversation. He lives alone, his daughter is 3 provinces away and his neighbours came to pick him up and take him home. He really should not be by himself he can barely walk with a walker and now he is one armed, the other strapped tightly to his chest, and trying to use his walker to get around.

Another couple who sat on my left were interesting. She spoke to me a few times. When the woman found out they were going to be there for a few hours she told her husband she was going home and to get the nurses to call her when he was done. He looked shocked! So, she left and he went walk about leaving his cane behind on the chair. I happened to hear his name when they came in so when I was done I took his cane to the nurses station and told them who it belonged to. The nurse did not even look at me she just said okay set it there. I wonder if he ever got it back?

So the two hours went by rather quickly as I watched and listened to what was going on around me. All those people in a small space and they did not really interact with one another. Each one lost in his or her own world of pain. I had the pleasure of some type of connection with almost each person who came into the area, even if it was only eye contact and a smile from me. People don’t look at each other often in these situations it seems. Are we trying to give the others privacy or do we not know how to connect with each other? I’m not sure. All I know is that it was a difficult experience for me to be in that hospital again and I did the only thing I know to do. I explored the feelings and tried to reach out to others. It turned out to be a good day and my finger splinted by the plastic surgeon, off I went. We will see what happens when I make my way to the hand clinic for a more usable customized splint today. This broken finger is leading me on an adventure of discovery and learning that I never expected. Just goes to show me that every situation can teach me something.

 

Peace and love to all

Donna

 

 

Let’s Dance

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

For most of my life I have always felt that I did not fit in. Didn’t seem to fit with my own family, coworkers, or society. I tried to fit in, I really did. I did what they told me was right and good and tried to be part of them but something always felt off. It was like they were living in a slightly different world than I was and spoke a different dialect.   I wanted to be a part of it so badly that I sacrificed my own beliefs to try. One day, I do not know the date, I realized that I could no longer live that way if I wanted to live. I am now sure that I was not the only person who struggled with this. I’m sure of this because I have met others who felt the same way over and over again. We were struggling to be true to ourselves in a world that wanted conformity and we paid a price.

Some of us turned to drugs and alcohol to deaden the feelings we had inside. Some of us walked away from society and live far from other people, hermits I suppose. Some of us stood up and made a huge difference in the world. We were not thanked for it at the time. Look back over the history of our culture and these people will stand out like sore thumbs! You decide who they were, I am not going to tell you. Please do not judge us for trying to stop the pain, we did not know any other way to do it and felt we had no one to guide us, we felt we had no other choice. We are a passionate bunch and have created some beautiful art, music, movies, books and poetry in our attempt to reach out to you from our hearts. Our hearts pouring out of us in the hope that the pain would stop and someone somewhere would understand. Most of us have not stood out in the crowd but we are stepping out now!

I use the word dance a lot in reference to pain. Anyone can walk with pain but there are those of us who literally dance with it. We get down and dirty with it in a primal way and because of this have much to share with you. I have come to realize that I have been in pain both physical and emotional for most of my life. I did not talk to many people about it. I did not think they would understand. Now I realize that them understanding my pain was not the point. The point for me was I needed to understand it and sharing has helped me do that. This is the story of Donna, pain, fear, joy, celebration, love and hate, the whole enchilada!

I do not have a competitive bone in my body, jealousy doesn’t exist in my world. How do you think I fit in a corporate culture that has a cutthroat attitude? Not so well, so I left the corporate world and just took a job. I have been selling you things since I was sixteen years old and I was good at it but not in the traditional sense. I even used to go to chain stores and teach the employees how to sell based on the corporate cultures mandate of illusion and fear, that was my career. That is not how I sold things though. I sold by not selling! I gave you information about things so that you could make the best decision for you! I empowered you to purchase based on your own wants and needs and had some of the highest sales rates in the country. They could not figure out how I did it. I was honest with you and sometimes I would even send you away without selling you anything, not what the boss wants to see but they couldn’t argue with the sales statistics. I developed relationships not customers. As you can see, out there in the retail world this is starting to happen all over the place. Woohoo!

One thing that people are surprised to learn about me is that I was a classically trained violinist and started playing at the age of seven. I was fairly good and at the top of my class in music school. Then it got super competitive and I walked away. Not because I couldn’t cut it, the competitiveness ruined it for me. I had my first solo at a concert when I was twelve and no one in my family came to see it. I was heartbroken. I walked away from it all a few years later. It was the pain I couldn’t handle. I feel music! Even today I do not listen to music with my ears, I listen with my heart, so it doesn’t matter if it is being sung in a different language, I feel it. I still love the violin, it is the instrument that speaks to me and once in a while I will rosin up my bow and let all the pain flow through me and transform itself into the air as sweet music. Even pain can be beautiful.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the world is changing. There is a shift in consciousness happening all around us and I am excited. I am doing my happy dance! We are moving from being exclusive to inclusive, head thinkers to heart minded, small minded to open minded and oh my God we need that if we are going to thrive as a people. Don’t be surprised the next time you see a homeless person sit down to play a piano like a genius, or sing songs so sweetly your teeth ache. The only difference between you and them is they danced with the pain and have not found their way back to their chairs. They deserve love and compassion as much as you do. Feel the music, feel the pain, just feel. What I once looked at as a curse I now see as a blessing. I help people, I help them heal in many different ways and I can do this simply because I can feel the pain, my own, other people’s, I feel the world’s pain and I am ready to dance with it. So today I say to you, I don’t feel as though I no longer fit in, I was born to do this, I was born to be part of this new way of thinking and help people in whatever form that takes.  This new world that is forming is all about the heart and love. Are you ready to be part of the revolution that is taking place inside of us, are you already part of it? Good, let’s dance!

Thank you Carolyn for the inspiration

Love you all

Donna

Pay Attention

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Once again it is 5:25 and quiet, so very peacefully quiet. Just the sound of the coffee maker, and oh the rooster next door just woke up. I find the call of the rooster to be lonely, not sure why though. It almost makes a mournful sound as if it is crying out in the dark, calling out to someone. I’ve been thinking about people a lot lately, especially in relation too how I feel when I am around them. While I have generally paid attention to my feelings, I think I will pay more attention in the future to my emotions when I am around other people. I would have to say that I am confused by some people and that my emotions get all messy when I spend time with them. Oooh, the coffee is ready, be right back. Steaming coffee in my sunshine mug, life is perfect at this moment.
I do believe that each person who crosses my path or spends some time in my life has great purpose. Once in a while I meet someone and they shake my view of the world. This is neither a good nor bad thing, their presence just changes me. In some ways this could be viewed in a positive manner. Anyone who gets me to question my beliefs and the way I have been doing things has done me a favour. They are contributing to my personal growth. I view this as positive, well mostly positive, there have been a few interactions that I could have done without. This has even happened to me with people I have only spoken to on the phone. I have talked on the phone a lot over the years, thank you Mr Bell, and have made connections with and been changed by the voices on the other end. I’m having a bad day and it can be turned around by a friendly voice on the other end of the phone.
The tools for growth are available to me in many forms, I just have to recognize or acknowledge them. A book, a voice, a smile from a stranger, the person next to me in line at the grocery store can all have an impact on me. Information comes in, I process it and I am never the same again. Think about that for a minute, every person you meet and experience changes you on some level. I think that is very interesting. Our minds and bodies are constantly interacting and changing in response to the world these encounters can have a powerful impact if you are aware of them. No, I need to correct that, you don’t even need to be paying attention, though it helps speed the process along. Some people can have a huge effect on me without me knowing right away. It takes my brain and heart a few days to understand that a shift has taken place. I know it on some level, it just a takes a while for me to integrate this new part into the complicated whole of Donna. It’s, well, it’s complicated. Can you hear me laughing as I type that, well I was. Is there a way to add sound effects to posts? Insert a fit of the giggles here. Yes 53 year old woman giggle, at least this one does.
I forgot to mention that these encounters are not just about you, sometimes it is about the other person and sometimes both people. You just never know at the beginning. Beginnings are wonderful aren’t they, filled with anticipation and hope? Goodbyes are hard, the letting go and the change through loss can bring me to my knees. Pay attention to the people who cross your path, dance with them for a few minutes or a few centuries. Some people have the ability to make everyone around them feel special. How do they do that? I wish I knew, then I could be one of them. I think it happens simply because they choose to be in the present moment with others and give them their undivided attention. I know I want people to hear me, really hear what I am trying to say. It makes me feel as though I matter and that is of huge importance in this world of constant stimulus and distraction. So I should give others that gift when I interact with them. I reach out to the world and it responds in kind. Take time to hear the people in your life today, give them your undivided attention, you may be surprised at what you discover about them and yourself.

Peace to all beings,
Love you all
Donna

Serenity’s Path

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

When you pull into my driveway there is a locked gate. Just past that gate on the left there was a rather large hand carved wooden sign that hung between two tall spiked medieval looking metal posts. The sign read Serenity’s Path. One day as I was leaving for work the sign had, after many years, rotted and crumbled to the ground. Me being me, I thought, I hope that is not a sign. I now think it was. The crumbled serenity sign reminded me that all things must end and nothing in this life is permanent. The signs are everywhere so look for them!

I lived behind a locked gate in a land called Serenity’s Path. I was happy there, or was I? When I would drive home after work I had to stop to open and close the gate and always stood for a moment to hang all the things from the day that I wanted to let go of on one of the posts. I would then thank the winds for carrying them far away and continue on to the house where my man, conversation and a cup of coffee were waiting. It was my life and while I loved it there was also this feeling of restlessness deep inside me that I didn’t quite understand. I had a wonderful husband, a business, a job and friends I adored so this restlessness confused me.

I asked Howard one afternoon, as we sat on the deck drinking coffee in the warm sun, if he would be willing to sell everything we owned, get in the truck with our travel trailer behind us and go on a great adventure. As per usual he raised his eyebrows, he did that a lot for some of my ideas, and said “Why would I want to do that, I love it here, There is so much I want to do here.” He had plans, so many plans. Now he’s gone, a half finished sculpture still sits on his work bench, and I am sitting here, drinking coffee in my yellow mug, with the same yearning for something more.

I want more than to spend eight hours of my day in a job that I have no interest in and a business that takes up an extreme amount of my free time. What am I doing this for? I am not a materialistic person so it wasn’t to get bigger and fancier things. Society places a lot of emphasis on and tries to convince you that your self worth is tied to being productive and having a career and all the right stuff. We live in a sad sad world that places too much importance on things that really don’t mean anything In the long run. It is all an illusion. Talk to anyone on their deathbed and you will not hear them say I wish I had worked more or had more material things. They say things like, I wish I had spent more time with my family and friends. They wish they had slowed down enough to enjoy the life they had. Don’t be that person! Enjoy what is right in front of you, this precious moment, because it will not last. Nothing is permanent, not the wonderful times and certainly not the bad ones.

There is an upside to all this! With the acceptance of no one thing being permanent comes freedom. I know my grief will not last, I know that bad days only last one day, people come and go and I don’t have to get used to any one way of being unless I choose to. While my driveway is straight, the path to serenity is not. The path has twists and turns, viewing areas and it sometimes doubles back to show you something you missed the first time. Whatever you are going through today, remember, it is only temporary. Learn from it, savour it because soon it will all just be a memory. Also remember it is your choice to view the world in the way you do. You can always change your mind and your viewpoint.

Live like you mean it
Peace and love to you all
Donna

To the Next Amazing Man

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I have come to the conclusion that despite the fact that I am honest and outspoken I can be timid when it comes to asking for what I want. I think parts of my last post were bullshit and the universe with its grand sense of humour and timing challenged me on it. The vaginal angst part was true though lol. Some of you have sent me messages or phoned regarding that post and you made me think about things more deeply without bullshit clouding the issue.

What a wild ride the last year has been. Some people are surprised that I am doing so well at this point, especially if they have not seen me for four months. They never saw my knees hit the floor and my soul shatter, for the most part that was done in private. They did not see the rage and anger that whipped around my heart like a tornado. Most of what I went through, I went through alone. Yes there were people around me but they did not see what I did not want them to see. I have never heard the noises that came out of me in my grief, come out of another human being. I hope I never hear those heart rending noises again from anyone, ever. I don’t like to see anyone else in pain. That particular pain was so deep it changed me in ways I have yet to discover.

Here is a poem I wrote yesterday and I wasn’t sure what it was all about, now I know.

Winds howl
Lightening rends the night sky
Hair flying
Cold wet clothes burn
Arms raised
Gods, Goddesses challenged
Elements called
Power flows, thunder roars
Flung wildly
Across the land unprotected
Ravens cry
Trees bend from the force
Pain sorrow
Soul ripped apart

 

(I am not sure what the heck happened with the line spacing and I can’t seem to fix it so apologies if it is double spaced)

The pain I felt was like a primal force that changed me and shaped me. I know this woman but I do not recognize parts of her. Something in me was awakened by that experience and I will never view the world in the same way again. So me describing my idea of the perfect relationship was pure shit. That was my way of saying I was afraid to truly love someone because I did not ever want to deal with the pain again. If I can keep them at arms length and they leave or die it won’t hurt so much. Actually I think it might even hurt more because I would regret not loving them fully.

So I hereby give notice to the next amazing man that shares my life! I will not settle for less, nor should you. I am a wild, wonderful woman and I need you to stand toe to toe with me, beside me, in front of me and behind me. Love me fiercely like you mean it. Meet me with your heart wide open. Challenge me, fight for me (no violence of course, not that type of fighting), show no fear. Give thanks to the man I spent the last eleven years of my life with because his life and his love prepared me for you!

Amazing men do amazing things
Love to you all
Donna