On the 8th day she rested.

 

Well it has been an interesting week! I had some type of awakening sitting in my chair waiting for the coffee to brew one morning and the next day I started writing a blog and sharing some very personal things with the online world. I know, what the hell was I thinking? You must know that I have not written anything longer than a poem ( in the last 14 years) before I had this great idea to start a blog. I have attempted to journal in the past but putting my thoughts on paper just did not appeal to me. When I need to express my thoughts and feelings,  I usually talk to a friend. There is something about sharing that helps me in ways journaling never has. Journaling is like talking to myself and I find that I do not get the release or relief that I need from it. I think the world needs people to share their stories more. We all have a story. I am not talking about fictional stories, I want to know what makes you, well you. My blog is a symbolic way for me to talk to the universe! I want and need to connect with other people and sometimes think those connections are the only thing keeping me remotely sane. My friends would say it’s not working cause I am still walking on the crazy side of the street. Who the hell would want to be normal? Normal is for those people who are too afraid to live and show the world their freaky side. I am embracing the freak! Not only do I embrace my inner freak, I embrace yours!

In some ways I think a poem that I wrote is what started this adventure and helped me release some of the self imposed restraints that were choking me to death. Here is my poem. It has no title and I have no desire to give it one, who needs labels!

Embrace the dark and broken pieces of your soul
Your strength is born of the scars
and the fire that burns and shapes, burns and shapes.
Dance among the flames until nothing remains
but the warm grey ash of who you once were.
In your heart are the embers of the ones who danced before you
The oceans are filled and the earth is cleansed
with their tears of sorrow and joy.
Let go, release yourself to the wind and trust, just trust
Love and dreams are carried through the air
and the sun shines fresh light upon the earth
Dance new spirit, fast, strong and full of heat
on this path forged from the fires of us all.

Now, we could analyze that poem to death. I have analyzed many poems written by people with far greater talent than myself.  I want to know how the poem made you feel. Did you feel anything? I am on a mission to encourage people (myself included) to think more with their heart and less with their head. Poetry can help with that because it is all symbolic and well shit, lots of poetry does not make an ounce of sense to my mind. But poetry speaks to my heart, not my mind! My mind wants rules, likes to put things in little categories, line things up and make everything neat and tidy. My heart is more wild, messy, loves to dance with other people and loves for the sheer joy of it! My head is full of fears, insecurities, problems, and anxiety so why would I want to view life from there.

Three cheers for the people who have the courage to live from their heart! They have blazed a trail for the rest of us who are starting to wake up and what a beautiful trail it is. I am tired today so I think I am just going to laze around the house, read a book, eat some healthy food and drink tea. I think I am tired from the awakening I had last week. I think I gave birth to myself that day and that is hard work! So on the 8th day I am going to rest.

Peace and love to all
xoxoxo
Donna

Heart wide open!

It is so dark here in the wilds of Sooke this morning and waking up hours before the sunrise is a new habit of mine. I’m sitting in my chair with the fireplace going and a steaming cup of my favourite coffee. The coffee tastes better when I use my handmade, sunny yellow mug for some reason. This doesn’t make any logical sense, but trust me, the coffee does not taste the same in another mug. I’ve tried to use a different mug but I always come back to the yellow one. I guess me and the yellow mug have a comfortable relationship with one another. I know it’s curves and my slender fingers fit perfectly in the handle.

Comfort is good and bad. I wish my name was Comfort, what a beautiful way to introduce yourself. Hi, my name is Comfort!  I like it and I am sure people would automatically feel at ease around someone with that name. We do some crazy things in order to be comfortable with ourselves and the rest of the world. We will put up with things that make us uncomfortable, in some cases, in order to continue on a familiar path. Better the devil ya know, right? Well, as some of you already know my life had some drastic changes last year. My spouse of 11 years, his name was Howard, passed away within a few months of being diagnosed with cancer. The type of cancer doesn’t really matter, the fact that it ended our dance together on this earth is the real matter. Funny that I used that phrase because we never, ever danced with each other. So, Howard was ill and I had a business and a full-time job. Needless to say, I closed the business and cut back my hours at work, so we had time to be together and I had time to look after things for him. I don’t think many people know that Howard and I worked together with his parents in their family business of 38 years. Yes, I worked with my man and my in-laws! There are a few stories there!  Back to the important parts. Howard and I both thought he would survive this. We never for a moment thought that a man who never got sick and was so fit and healthy would succumb so quickly. He did everything he could to stay here and I was amazed at the strength and grace he possessed when faced with his own mortality. I unfortunately did not exhibit the same grace.

Howard was my anchor, my comfort in a world of uncertainty. My business and my job could be replaced but this man was so special and my god he showed me every day how much he loved me. He didn’t speak about love much, he lived it! His actions, which I think spoke much louder than words, told me everyday how important I was to him. He never once criticized me or made me feel silly or small or less than beautiful. I do some crazy shit so I think that took great strength! He loved me when I was at my worst and my best. He held me as my heart was breaking when I lost the baby we created together and never once tried to stop my tears, he loved me through it. He loved me unconditionally and with every cell. I was comfortable, happy and empowered. Then it all ended.

Okay here comes the messy and graceless part. I could not find the gracefulness in me without seeing it reflected back to me through his eyes. Did I mention that his eyes were blue? A beautiful denim blue that spoke to my soul. Okay, I’m just avoiding the uncomfortable parts. Here we go down the rabbit hole! I was ANGRY!!!! Can you imagine a small 5 foot 3 east coaster angry at the world and spewing it out upon the people she loved and complete strangers in grand and dramatic fashion. No? Okay think of a wild animal (any big ferocious feline should work) ripped from their environment and placed in a small cage and put on display for people to gawk at. Yes, that is a much better visual. Now imagine for another second that this feline was so in touch with the world around her that she could communicate with the universe and caged that was taken from her too. I could not feel anything. The beautiful and wonderful world of spirit (I will post about this aspect later) that I had experienced since I was born was gone. It felt like someone had shut the door and turned off the lights in a room with no windows or fresh air. I was blind with rage and grief. Everything that I thought made me who I was had been taken away.

I love being wrong! My friends and family loved me through the most difficult and graceless period of my life. Now here is the funny part. Despite the fact that my entire life had been destroyed, because that is how I saw it, a whole new life was being born. Even through my rage and grief I could see the possibilities that we’re now available to me. Talk about conflicting emotions! Grief and hope we’re fighting a war inside me. Then I thought about the man I had loved and knew he would want me to celebrate the fact that I was alive even though he was not. He was selfless that way. Howard was instrumental in me learning how to be me without apology. He taught me to stand strong with my feet firmly planted on my path and my heart wide open. He would be upset if he thought I closed myself off from the beauty and miracles of life because he was no longer walking with me in this physical plane. He inspired me when he was alive and continues to inspire me now that he is gone. Thanks Howard, I will always love you and will live my life to the fullest to honour all the love you gave and the things you taught me.  You were an amazing man Howard and amazing men do amazing things.  This last sentence was a little joke between us!

 

Wow, I have gone through a lot of tissues writing this! I just want to say a few more things before I start my day. Don’t be afraid to love with 110 percent of your soul. Love is not painful! Loneliness, anger, loss, isolation, a hunger for connections with others, now those are painful things. Don’t be afraid! I wish I could show you the world through my eyes and heart. Oh yeah, I can do that and have made it my mission. When you see me it shines from my eyes and if you are open you can see the love that radiates out of me and get a glimpse of the world through my heart and eyes. It is a beautiful world but you have to approach it with your heart wide open in order to see it! So for the people that avoided me in the grocery store, there is a softer and gentler Donna walking down the aisles so you don’t have to run away anymore.  I’ll show you the wonders of the universe, yes I smile with my eyes and heart

 

 

Oh yes, and hug people, as many people as you can!

Peace and love to all

Donna

Thank you for sharing but………

I have just been through one of the most traumatic and heartbreaking years of my life.  I won’t go into all the details right now, that is best left for another post. Suffice it to say, my entire world crumbled around me and I was left sitting in the rubble and dust wondering how the hell this happened. What the heck are you supposed to do in these situations? Well you stand up even if that means hanging on to a friend’s arm or leg. Come on we all have at least one friend that will be there for us. Luckily for me I have a number of them, so I didn’t lean on any one of them too long because I didn’t want them to run away screaming. Well, one friend did but I had to give her props for waiting until she got to the end of the driveway. Okay, focus Donna. So you stand up with help if you need it and you brush some of the dust off and step out of the rubble so you can look back and see the messy remains of what was your life. Well, I stepped out of the pile of rubble but I kept going back to it and sifting through it to see what I could save. Yes, I know, not the smartest move. Bad idea, no sifting, got it. Bad idea number two was thinking I had done something wrong that caused this and beating myself up for something I had no control over. I have no control, got it. The third thing that happened was I was overcome by a paralyzing fear that I would never be happy again. I knew at some point I might smile again, but I would never be as happy as I was. Well I was wrong. Not only am I happy, I am almost delirious with it today. I love being wrong!

 

Today I fell in love with uncertainty and possibilities. I have no idea what the future holds for me but I have my smile back and it is bigger and brighter than it has ever been. Why you ask?  Well, every belief I had about life, who I was, and how things should be was challenged, put to the test and tossed the hell out. Yup, I woke up and decided that I didn’t care what anyone thought, or what people deemed appropriate behavior for a grieving widow. Let me tell you every person I ran into had an opinion on what I should do and how I should do it and I told them in a very ladylike way, thanks for sharing but please fuck off. There’s no need to be rude so don’t forget to say please and thank you! Those words represented a rebellion that was so strong I thought I would explode. But, I didn’t. Those words helped me stand up straighter and gave me the courage to voice my needs, wants, fears and desires without apology. Powerful little words!  So my advice to you when you find your life in ruins and you run into people, who mean well but don’t have a clue what it is like to be you, say thanks for sharing but please fuck off. Say it like you mean it and go out there and build yourself a new life on a new belief system. Do it so well that your neighbours avoid you in the grocery store and then laugh your ass off when they scurry around the store trying to stay out of your way. If you walk really fast down the aisles they almost run, it is hilarious. Don’t get upset with them, there is no point. They are just trying to avoid the pain and discomfort of their own lives and being around you shoves it in their faces.

 

Be brave, be kind, be

Donna

 

Be Messy!

Life is messy, then it’s tidy, then it’s messy again. Mine is more messy than tidy and that is why I sit in a slightly soiled chair and think about life. The ups and downs, the heartbreaks, joys, struggles and all the feelings that make life both messy and tidy.

Once upon a time I had a very clean house! Yes, I really did. But I detest housework, so I stopped doing so much of the thing I didn’t like and did more of the things I enjoyed and like magic a happier though slightly disheveled Donna emerged. There is the key -spend less time doing things you detest and more time doing whatever it is that makes your soul burst with joy.  Now that could be messy!

Remember when you were a kid?  Yes I know for some it is a stretch, but try, or make up an idyllic childhood in your head if you have to.  Trust me this will be fun!  I remember rolling around in the grass and not once did I care about the condition of my clothing or hair.  I used to make mud pies and again, nope, I didn’t care.  I was so busy being in the moment, feeling the cool grass tickle the backs of my legs or the slick mud squish between my fingers, that I didn’t care about anything else.  Lesson learned- being fully present brings great joy !  What did you love to do when you were young?  Relive it, feel it and take note what happens in your body. You are more relaxed, you feel younger and you are probably smiling.  No I cannot see you even though I am slightly psychic which in my case means slightly weird and lovable.  I am you and you are me.  Our experiences were different sure but we are human and share the same emotions, fears,  insecurities and bullshit.

Skip the housework , put your smart phones away, grab someone you love and go do something messy!  Roll on the grass or jump in mud puddles. Be in the moment and enjoy. You can always tidy up later.

Love ya, Donna