Let It Go Baby

Sunday was a strange and difficult day full of mishaps, anger and discoveries. I guess I do not grow when everything is going smoothly and let me tell you sometimes growing is not a graceful process for me. In fact, the morning was so spectacular that I crawled back into bed shortly after noon for a nap. One of the things that I discovered is that my authentic self is always present, she just gets covered up in the untruths that are wound around and around what is real, by myself and others. So what is true? How do you peel away all the extraneous lies, half truths and bullshit. I guess you examine every belief you have about yourself and the world around you and search out the source of it. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but it could be, depending on how you look at it.

With every layer that gets peeled off the weight that has been crushing me┬álessens. Some of these beliefs are buried deep and it is tough to find their origins. Some have come down through the generations, some from your religion, society, the media and any other entity that needs you to have certain beliefs to further their own agenda. The big question now is what do I believe. I remember talking to a friend when my first husband and I were parting ways. I told my friend that I didn’t believe in divorce, that was for people who didn’t try. He looked me in the eyes and laughed, then he said “Whether you believe in it or not it is happening to you.” That was the first time I traced the origins of a belief and realized it wasn’t really mine, I had been trained to believe it. So, I decided that if I am going to get divorced I am going to make it the best possible divorce I can have. People had lots of advice for me but even back then I looked deep within my own heart and did what I needed to do. The two of us had hurt each other enough and I was not going to allow that to continue, despite the fact that the lawyers and my family all thought I was crazy. I did it with heart.

I now examine things on a regular basis. Sometimes it is easier than others. I have a resistance in me called my ego. Now this ego is a self centered creature and does not want to change anything let alone a belief system. That little voice inside my head that constantly has an opinion and tries to keep the status quo by playing upon my fears and feeding the untruths. Untruths sounds so much better than lies doesn’t it? Nobody likes a liar. So now I know where some of these beliefs come from and that my ego tries to bolster them. What is a woman supposed to do? Well, you look the little liar in the eyes and say enough. You tame that voice until it sits there quietly and becomes the best little ego it can be. You do this by observing your ego’s childlike antics, practicing meditation, yoga, or anything else that works for you and then letting go. Did I mention letting go? Letting go of the beliefs that never served you well, letting go of the ego’s hold on you, and the unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and others. Breathe and let go. Trust. Trust yourself.

Once the letting go becomes part of your life funny things start to happen. I want you to discover them on your own, but as a teaser good days will far out number bad days, laughter will burst out of you more often, and moments of joy for simple things will occur more frequently. The truth was always present, you were born knowing it. Once all the lies and untruths are stripped away you are left standing in your truth all naked and vulnerable like a baby. But a baby with years of worldly experience who lives from the heart, cause really the most important and beautiful things are all about seeing the world through your heart and eyes brimming with love. So, get out there and spread the love and help support others to do the same. Provide them with a safe space to unwind the layers of untruths that are crushing their souls and causing them pain. Please do it gently, they are babies after all.

 

Peace and love

May you be hugged a lot today

Donna

 

Vaginal Angst

My idea of the perfect relationship at this point in my life sounds something like this. I have my own home, they have their own home and we can each have toiletries and a few changes of clothing at each other’s homes. I want to have my own space and I also want to have a full on mind and heart filled relationship. I don’t think that is too much to ask for, do you? At this point I don’t want to live in the same house with anyone day in and day out. Hell, I don’t even think we need to live in the same city. Travel with them sure, spend lots of time together that is great, them getting to have a say in every choice I make, I am not so sure about that. I am open to changing my mind about it however.

I had a friend stop by for coffee today and he had his seventy something father with him. Both are sweet gentlemen that are not afraid of conversation with an outspoken female who talks about anything but the weather. We are all single and had a wonderful conversation about relationships. When I told them what my idea was the father piped up and said “right on, that is exactly what I am doing.” I almost fell out of my chair with glee and actually told him if only there wasn’t a 20 plus years age difference between us he would be mine! 

Now I don’t want you to get the impression that I have anything against members of the opposite sex. I do not and I know a number of wonderful men. Most of them just happen to be happily married to friends of mine or in a relationship with someone they adore. I like men, they are fun to look at. I particularly like the angles of their faces and the way they move. I don’t even care if they are handsome by societal standards, I like their faces! I especially like a face that is lived in, one with some character. I love it when their eyes crinkle up when they smile. I don’t like pretty men, yes I said it!  I am not proud of it, but there it is. I don’t trust pretty men. I certainly don’t want to date a man who is so vain it takes them forever to get ready. I am a no make up kind of woman who is out the door from the start of my shower to grabbing my car keys in 40 minutes or less. I should tell you that it takes me 10 minutes to find my keys on an average day. I don’t worry about what the wind and weather are doing to my hair, I have more important things to think about.

I think about how far we can take a conversation on religious beliefs, what men think about when they are sitting in the passenger seat of my car, what their opinion is on reincarnation, what they think was the reason for the breakdown of their last relationship, or have they ever seen a Sasquatch! I think about everything but my hair and lack of make up. I have nice hair, I like it. It is straight, falls to my shoulders and is naturally streaked. It is easy to look after and my hair stylist will not let me chop it all off because I look like a small elf when my hair is short!

Having said all of the above, being single at 53 scares me a bit. I don’t know if I will find anyone who will love me and put up with my crazy shit. I am hopeful that there is someone out there who thinks I am delightful and finds my antics amusing. I love teasing banter and would hope they do as well. Otherwise, they are just going to feel picked on. I have decided to call this my vaginal angst stage of life. So the next time someone says, “What is up with her?” You can say “Vaginal angst, isn’t she adorable?” and walk away.

Dedicated to Arkemedes
Peace and love to all

Donna