Tag: choice

Renaming Grief and Other Shit

Published on by Donna Gray4 Comments

After a mostly sleepless night, I have a throbbing headache but have maxed out my painkiller quota for the next four hours.  Having sciatica issues makes it difficult to sleep.  I cannot get comfortable and my legs, (sometimes one, sometimes both) burn, tingle and ache.  Yoga and stretching are not helping and I have decided to seek some medical help and get them to look into what is going on with my lower back.   I am a light sleeper and one of the problems I had last night was hearing this strange scratching noise outside.  I lay awake in bed listening, trying to figure out what it was and then heard what sounded like a bear giving a frustrated long grunt, the dogs started barking and I flew out of bed. The dogs live outside and I don’t want them tangling with a frustrated bear.  Shawn and I are outside with flashlights having a look around, the dogs quieted down and we were left cold and wide awake. There is a beautiful creek right beside our property and the salmon are spawning so it is like a bear picnic at the edge of the yard.  Shawn thinks it was a raccoon, but he did not hear the noise the animal made.  I decided that he can think whatever he likes, but I heard a bear.

Okay, 2:45 am and I am wide awake.  We watch a little TV and head back to bed but the pain in my back and legs won’t let me get back to sleep.  So it is now 5am and I am still awake and in pain.  So I try meditating, becoming one with the pain, breathing into it, just breathing and finally drifted off to sleep for a few hours.  I don’t think people who have never dealt with chronic pain have any idea how debilitating and tiring it can be.  I look fine, you would not know that I have been in constant pain or discomfort for 3 weeks if you looked at me.  This happened to me about seven years ago and lasted for over a year.  Chiropractor visits, massage, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation were all part of my healing.  It got to the point where I could not put on my own pants, socks or shoes and was unable to lift my leg high enough to get in the tub.   I also could not drive because I could not move my foot quickly enough from the gas to the brake pedal and almost ended up in the ditch at the end of my driveway.  This was a year from hell.

However, it as nothing compared to the emotional, mental and spiritual pain I suffered when Howard was diagnosed with cancer and passed away a few months later.  While physical pain is a “damn pain” it has a different quality than grief and emotional pain.  It is not just the loss of someone you love, but also your hopes and dreams, and in my case my business, job and home as well.  Yes, it was my choice to close my business and to stop working.  I could have made other arrangements to take care of those things.  But, I did not have it in me to still manage those things behind the scenes while Howard and I navigated cancer world.  One thing that a lot of people do not realize is that the moment you or your loved one are diagnosed with a terminal or life-threatening illness is that the grieving can start immediately.  Life as you knew it has ended and you are thrust into a world full doctors, appts, chemo treatments, medications, and the never-ending supply of people who are only too happy to tell you what they think you should do, or criticize what you are doing.  Just navigating the medical system and being pushed to have this treatment or that treatment without being given enough information to make an informed decision had me wanting to pull my hair out and scream. The man I loved was dying and it seemed that some people, even those in the medical profession did not care, it was just another day at work for them.  He was just another cancer patient.  They did not know his story, or our combined story.  They did not know he had the biggest heart of anyone I knew and spent most of his life doing things for others or that he had finally started doing something he loved and was creating the most beautiful sculptures out of recycled metal. They did not know that I was terrified.  They did not know us and did not have the time or the desire in some cases to get to know us.  They did not know.

I made it my mission to let them know.  I talked to people, I annoyed some people, I got pushy with some people and I even told some people off.  They said I was angry.  Your damn right I was angry.  I was angry, terrified,  heartbroken, and I was watching this big strong man who was my rock waste away and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it.  One of the most annoying questions I was asked when people found out Howard had cancer was,” Oh, what type of cancer is it?”  What the hell does that matter?  I would tell them lung cancer and immediately their next question was “did he smoke”?  So if he smoked then he deserved to have this cancer, he brought it on himself.  If that was the case, then all assholes should get colon cancer, and heartless greedy people should have cancer of the heart, well they do have a type of cancer already, it is cancer of the soul.  Don’t be one of those people!  So my guy is fighting for his life and some people don’t ask if there is anything they can do, they just want to know what type of cancer he has so they can go to sleep at night knowing it will not happen to them because they don’t smoke.  Yup, I was a little angry.  But that is also one of the stages of grief, so are denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The experts in the field of grieving and loss bandy these stages around and some think it can all be summed up just like that.  The bad news is it is much more complex, sometimes you are in one stage, sometimes the stages overlap and other times (at least for me) there seemed to be whole new stages that had no label.

What are these new stages you ask? When the shit hits the fan make them laugh,  they will never know how torn up inside you are.  If you have read any of my earlier posts you may have the idea that I have a sense of humor and you would be right.  My sense of humor along with dear friends and family helped me get through one of the toughest periods of my life.  If you have a sense of humour use it, if you don’t then cultivate one and watch comedies that make you laugh or do whatever you need to do to laugh.  Laughter heals, even hysterical grieving laughter heals.  My sense of humour is a little warped sometimes and it is one of the ways I deal with life,  my inner comedian comes out. It is one of my strategies for coping with life.  It came out at my mother’s funeral, it came out at my father’s deathbed and it came out when the six of us ( Howard’s parents Pat and Bob, Me and 3 dear friends) were sitting in the living room with Howard waiting for the funeral home to come take his body away.  I sat on the bed beside him and did the only thing I was capable of doing at the time.  I told funny stories about our life together and we all cried and laughed together.  I was exhausted, I was heartbroken, I was relieved it was over, I was terrified and consumed with guilt for feeling relieved that it was over.  I made everyone leave around 4:30 am and collapsed on my bed.  I did not remember anything for six hours.

Did I mention, that I did not get much sleep last night?  Well, now I am really tired and having trouble getting my thoughts out through my fingers so I will end this here.  If you want to know more and haven’t already clicked on something more entertaining, then I will  let you know what I called the other stages in the next few days.  I think they should all be renamed.  All that is going through my head at the moment is the seven dwarves but that would be way too Disney for me. I think the stages of grief need some new labels that have a little edge and a little humor in them.  I definitely think one needs to be called, How dare you die and leave me here all alone to deal with this shit!  Can’t believe I just typed that but it is true.  Don’t judge too harshly.  Hi ho, Hi ho, it’s off to the pub I go.

Love you all

Donna

PS  That is one of Howard’s sculptures in the picture and one of my favorites!

Shaped by the Past, Sculpted by Dreams

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

I have been awake at 4:44 am for the last three mornings. I am not sure why, and this morning I was having a dream about Alfred Hitchcock which will make my friend Debra laugh. So, I decided to sit and write while the coffee is brewing and see what comes up. I think about things a lot, my mind never seems to stop unless I sit and meditate and lately even that is difficult. I have this unsettled feeling swirling around inside me and I cannot explain it. It is almost as if I am waiting for something to happen and feel like my life has been in a holding pattern for a long time. Weird huh? I you have any insight into this please let me know.

One thing that has been on my mind lately is my childhood. Most likely because my sister is writing a book and we have been discussing some of these things lately. My sister and I are 13 years apart in age (she is older) and had completely different lives growing up. Her father was an angry abusive man and mine was the gentlest of souls who rarely got angry. Our mother met my father after her first husband was killed in an accident. It amazes me that four children in the same family can be so different and have such varied responses to life events and their memories of them. It makes me wonder how reliable my memory of events actually is.

Growing up in a family filled with alcoholism and all the dysfunction that comes with it teaches you some things. It teaches you to not take responsibility for your own actions. Someone else is the cause of your anger, your need to drink, your inability to get ahead in life etc. etc. It teaches you to keep secrets. God forbid if anyone every found out what really goes on in your home or your head. They would turn away from you in disgust, wouldn’t they? One of the biggest things it teaches you is fear and mistrust. When you cannot trust your own family how could you trust others? When you live in a constant state of fear it takes a toll on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. You are always living in anticipation of the next drunken tirade that is filled with discord and abuse, in some cases physical and in some cases emotional and in a lot of cases both. Not pretty is it? I remember phoning home everyday from school to ask my mother if she needed anything from the store just so I could check her tone of voice to see if she was drinking. If she was sober I would go home, if she was drinking I would go somewhere else. This is the only world I knew and alcohol was destined to play a large role in the rest of my life. I was enrolled in Life Skills 101 with an alcohol fueled instructors. I was taught to think and navigate life like an alcoholic. All I wanted was to be loved and spent many years looking for that in all the wrong places. I didn’t understand that I needed to love myself before I could offer it to or receive it from another person.

In my thirties I found myself drinking a lot and married to someone who drank enough that his work forced him into a rehab program. The alcohol saga continued, but it was a familiar one and I knew it well. Funny thing though, I ended up walking through the doors of AA in 1992 and my life was changed forever. It was in those church basement meetings that I was taught the healthy life skills that I was not taught growing up. It did not happen over night because my conditioning was firmly entrenched and they were asking me to feel my emotions and take responsibility for myself, both of which I had no idea how to do. I discovered that I only had two emotions, or states of being, angry or not angry. I sometimes still revert to anger in extremely stressful situations. However, anger is not all bad and boy oh boy can I get some housework done when I am trying to get rid of some anger in a healthy way. I have made a lot of discoveries about anger since then and that emotion is rarely caused by someone else or their actions.

It has been over 20 years since I started this journey of healing. I have learned a few things that have improved my life and me as a person. I still have much to learn, but look forward to it. It is impossible to know yourself with out understanding what made you who you are. One thing is for sure, you always have choices regardless of your life circumstance. Sometimes you may feel like you don’t have any choices but you do. You choose whether you are hardened or softened by your experiences. You can also make new choices every day. You and you alone are responsible for the person you are today. Your life experiences began to mold you, but you are like an artist finishing the beautiful sculpture that is you.

I guess I have rambled a bit, though that is not unusual for me. I understand my mother and what caused her to be who she was. I also want you to know that every time I think about her with love and forgiveness her spirit becomes lighter and brighter. The people who were in our lives and have passed on are aware of our feelings and the repercussions of their actions when they walked this earth. We get to choose whether we will hang on to the anger, bitterness, or whatever else we are feeling. There is freedom in fully accepting responsibility for who you are. You can let the past shape your future if you want. Sculpt yourself, paint yourself, sing yourself or write yourself a new future based on who you want to be, not what has happened to you.

Treat others with kindness and compassion
Hug yourself for me

Donna

No Strings

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

I am sitting once again in my slightly soiled chair with a coffee beside me in my sunny yellow mug. It is five thirty in the morning and the birds are singing the sun up with cheerful little songs. It has all the makings of a wonderful day even though I have only had about four hours sleep. I had trouble settling down last night. There were a few things weighing on my mind and my heart. I have started making plans and dreaming and low and behold the universe throws a few curve balls at me just to see if I am paying attention and waits to see how I will handle it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where certain events in your life become clear in their meaning. I had one of those moments last night and I have to admit that it scared me a little. Actually my response was “well shit.” It reminded me that certain things are beyond my control. I can say I want this, I don’t want that till the cows come home and the universe in its wisdom will give me what I need. I never expected to fall in love with my life again, I never expected to feel or experience so much joy and peace again. Some of the best moments of my life have happened when I was not expecting it.

So I had a moment of clarity and it scared me. I am not sure scared is the right word. Perhaps it is more being unsure with a tiny bit of fear thrown in. I don’t know where this path will lead but I trust in the universe to guide me along and in the meantime will set the fear aside. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but I have had a few visions of the future and they do not coincide with what I thought I wanted. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Do not be so tied to what you want and don’t want that you miss the wonderful people and opportunities right in front of you. Be flexible with your how your mind and heart respond to the events and people in your life. Be teachable.

I have ideas about how I would like things to be and have expressed a large number of those ideas on this blog. One thing that I do know for certain is that as long as I let my heart rule over my mind life is as it should be. The minute I start over thinking things and second guessing every decision, fears settles in and my mind gains control. Fear versus love the eternal struggle for control. So the universe is putting people and situations in my path to see if I can actually live what I say. Anyone can say anything, but can they back it up with action. The universe is saying enough talk Donna lets see some action.

So, I have said numerous times that it is all about living with your heart wide open. But what does that really mean to me? It is about others not about me. For one of the first times in my life, I have led a very self-centered life up to this point, the happiness of others comes before my own. I want the people around me to know what it means to be loved for just being them, no strings attached. I want to bring peace and joy with me everywhere I go and spread that around. I want the people in my life to know that they are appreciated and that I truly see them for who they are and that they are more than enough. I thought I knew what love was. The universe has shown me lately that I have only danced around the edges of it in the past. Well shit!

Have a bliss filled day
Hug people
Donna

Winged Messengers

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

I saw a beautiful blue heron this morning flying overhead. I watched as he glided through the air with long effortless strokes from his powerful wings.   There was one glaring issue with this bird.  He was missing feathers on his left wing. The space the missing feathers created was obvious but it did not detract from his grace or beauty. The animals remind me of things and bring lessons for me everyday.   Today was no exception.   The people we meet in the world are not perfect, they have scars both seen and unseen. We all have missing feathers but still have much to offer the world.  I envy people who seem to move gracefully through the world no matter what life seems to throw at them. I feel more like a young foal who has not grown into its legs yet, awkward and stumbling across a field of grass wet from the morning dew.

So I watched the birds in the sky for a few more minutes and some played in the wind currents, some glided above the wind in spirals of flight and others seemed to be flapping their wings in a battle against the wind. There are a lot of lessons to be learned from the winged ones. A few nights ago I had a message from the universe to look up. Stop focusing on the earth and look up.   Did the universe know the lessons I would learn from looking up and paying attention to the birds. Do I share these things with you so you will start looking around you and seeing the lessons that nature and all the wonderful beings we share this planet with teach us? I am not sure what the universe is asking of me most of the time. I just go where I am led.

The universe sends us lessons every day through people, nature, animals, and circumstances. Whether we learn anything or pay attention to any of it is up to us. I have discovered that the same lesson gets tossed my way time and time again until I pay attention. The world speaks to us in symbols, which can be hard to decipher sometimes. I seem to be getting a better handle on the symbolic structure of the world and have taken many steps to learn to interpret these symbols for myself. I see the heron and get one lesson, you will see the heron and it will hold a different meaning for you. Simple right? So look up today and tell me what you see. Are there messages for you in the wind, the clouds or the tree tops? What do you see when you are not just focused on the path in front of you?
Love to all
Hug everyone
Be kind

Donna

 

 

Freedom

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Well, the move is complete and I hand over the keys to the new owners of my home today!  It is a bittersweet moment.  I knew who I was in Sooke and am not sure who I am in Langford, if that makes any sense.  I guess I felt that I belonged in Sooke and don’t feel that way in the new place yet.  I will give it some time, but know this is only temporary.  Let’s see where the universe sends me next!

Now the unpacking and further sorting and sifting through the material parts of my life begin.  My goal is to get rid of all the things that are not necessary or bring me joy.  Cannot part with my car Lola though and I am so happy she has a warm and safe place to wait for me.  It is going to be so much fun driving her this summer!

Wow, the last year has been quite a roller coaster ride.  Lots of highs and many low spots to navigate through.  My life has been completely changed because of Howard’s life and death, mainly his life though.  It has also been changed by the new people who have entered and become so important to me.  I am blessed to know and care for each of them.  It can be hard sometimes when life turns shitty to find the positive aspects of it.  I am one of the lucky people who can experience and see both sides of every situation.  Even during the darkest moments there was light visible.

I had better get this day started and over with.  There is a freedom that comes with not being tied to a property and animals.  A freedom I have not had in a very long time and I’m not quite sure how to respond to it.  There are so many options open to me that it is hard to pick one.  For now I will just keep sorting and sifting and see what direction the universe sends me in.  I do know one thing, it will include many wonderful new people and I am looking forward to meeting them and getting to know them.  I also get to build on the relationships that have already formed for me and that is exciting too.  Even freedom has a price.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

Toothpaste and Soul Mates

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Do you believe in soul mates? I don’t, even though at some point in my life I did for a brief moment. It was during my Disney view of the world and then I grew up and stopped clinging to fairy tales. I like the idea of soul mates but i think we have a very distorted view of what that actually is. I suppose we have very unrealistic views as to what a relationship should be or not be as well. I also do not believe that we are destined to spend the rest of our life with one person. If that works for you, great! It does not work for everyone. What is the definition of soul mate? Soul mate sounds perfect doesn’t it? Nothing is perfect. If you asked ten different people to define it you would most likely get ten different answers. So the chances of two people getting together that would both define soul mate and what the ultimate relationship is would be slim. It can happen sure, but I don’t think it happens very often.

People talk to each other all the time but are they truly listening to what the other person is saying? People hear what they want to hear. The words come out of someone’s mouth and then you interpret them through your filtered view of life. Something strange happens to the meaning of the words between their mouth and your ears. What they said and what you heard can be two different things. Someone says I love you and your definition of what love is or is not, is how you hear it. To me love is an unconditional state of being that allows the other person to just be themselves, there is no judgement, no expectations, just a celebration of differences and similarities. So when someone says they love me that is what I hear, that is not often what they mean. This stuff is complicated and God knows us humans are good at complicating even the simplest of things.

My marriage lasted thirteen years, then I had two brief and spectacularly disastrous relationships in which I learned a lot and I mean a lot, then my last relationship lasted twelve years. My view on relationships has changed greatly over the years. I have learned a great amount about myself and others. Does this make me better prepared for the next relationship? Perhaps it does, but I had better make damn sure that I understand what the other person is saying when they say it. For me, the typical marriage contract is a fear based arrangement. As if that contract will insure you both adhere to the rules and it will be a success. I would rather just make a commitment formal or informal by jumping over a puddle together. Marriages are failing at record rates according to statistics, especially in the over fifty age group. Why is that? In my world view, marriage is fear based and I don’t want a relationship based on fear or conformity to an ideal. I want a relationship that is based on relatedness and a genuine love for the other person. If I get that in return wonderful, if I don’t get that there is no point. Two people should celebrate each other and their unique characteristics and funny little quirks. Relationships should be fun! They should not require so much work that you are exhausted trying to maintain them. I realize that all relationships require some work but that should be done by both people, if one person is doing all the relationship work that sucks.

My role in a relationship is this, to love unconditionally and remind the other person that they are already whole and they are more than enough just the way they are and offer them the space they need to grow at their own pace. If they are not meeting my expectations than I had better have a look at myself and what those expectations are. The answers are inside me and so are the problems. The other person just being them self is not a problem. I always go back to the tube of toothpaste, one because it is extremely funny to me and everyone can relate to a tube of toothpaste. So the significant person in your life squeezes the tube from the bottom, leaves the cap off, or never puts the toothpaste away when they are finished. One or all of theses things drives you crazy! Who has the problem you or the toothpaste challenged person? The problem is yours. Now that the problem is yours you have choices. You can stress over it and admit that this little thing is so important to you that you will nag and criticize the person you supposedly love. Or, you can smile because this is one of the little quirks the other person has, put the cap back on, shove it in the drawer and go on your merry little way still loving them. What sounds better to you?

We make mountains out of ant hills over silly shit all the time. Relax, let go, breathe, let the other person relax, let go and breathe. Allow them to feel loved just the way they are. Don’t put up with bull shit, in fact never put up with bull shit, but let them be them. Sit back and just watch them move through the world and appreciate the beauty of who they are. If they are not willing to do the same for you then you need to look at that a little more closely and decide if you can live with that. We enter into relationships hoping the other person will satisfy our needs and that is unfair. Everyone has needs, but you alone are responsible for yours being met. Have fun brushing your teeth, you may never look at a tube of toothpaste the same again!

hug people and trees and dogs

love to you all

Donna

Anchors and Drifting

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Fell asleep last night listening to the frog choir. One lone frog singing is as annoying as a dripping tap, but get a bunch of them together and it is a soothing and sleep inducing symphony of spring! Having ponds on your property helps with the frog population.
I slept for seven hours and feel refreshed with a new sense of peace this morning. Thanks frog nation! Yesterday, I had this vague restlessness and felt as though things were slightly off and to be honest was not my happy, smiling self. Took me until about two in the afternoon to work it out thanks to a quick (is there such a thing?) phone call to my wise friend Debra. We talked things out until I dug deep enough to figure out what was going on.

I am not generally a surface dweller, I usually dig until I find what I need. Right now I am tired of digging and analyzing and thinking. I want to have some fun! Finding the answers to what makes you the way you are is fun isn’t it? So these emotions I was feeling yesterday had me kind of low and I am tired of low, so I dug. Twenty minutes of telling Deb what was bugging me and her very astute questions and insights and bingo the reason popped out of my mouth. I said I need something solid to hang on to! I needed an anchor! Aha moment. Once the truth of a situation is acknowledged the relief is immediate, no resistance and the truth sets you free. Isn’t that brilliant?

All the changes that have happened in the last year and the ones I am still in the middle of have left me feeling like I am adrift in a stormy ocean. Plans ha, the universe is constantly saying no to my plans. Okay, I am adrift in this vast ocean, can’t make plans, and don’t know which direction the shore is in so I can haul my little ass onto the sand. Fine, I will just lay here on the choppy water and float to wherever the current takes me. Breathe, relax and let it all go. Why do we always have to have a plan? I am usually allergic to solid planning because life is structured enough, but right now I want to make some. Universe says no, not quite yet.

Okay, fine. While I wasn’t completely happy with my life, work and relationships last year, it was a solid life. I had an anchor to keep me from drifting. Actually I had a few anchors. The problem with anchors is if you use them at the wrong time or get tangled in the anchor chain the results can be disastrous. For good or bad reasons (it doesn’t really matter at this point) Howard was my anchor.
He provided stability for me when I needed it the most and to be truthful I don’t think I had any stability in my life before I met him. I gained weight for the first time in my entire life simply because I felt safe and relaxed. I was loved and felt safe. Here is the problem, Howard is gone from this earth and I have realized that I need to be my own anchor. Howard gave me twelve years of his life to teach me how to stand strong on my own.

Howard taught me a lot. In fact, I am still learning from our life together. Ooh the sunrise is spectacular this morning! I just looked out the window and the sky is a beautiful pink with deep streaks of gold. Great day to be alive and witness the miracles of being here on this planet. Back to the post. I think we place too much responsibility on the significant person in our life to be the thing we need. By that I mean, we look to them to fill in the gaps of our soul. That is not fair to the other person. You and only you are responsible for your own thoughts, emotions and actions, period. Sometimes we like to think that the other person is the cause but that is just us avoiding the truth and digging deep to find it. They pissed you off, dissappointed you, didn’t meet your expectations, whatever and you justify what you do in response to that. You are lying to yourself. It is you who are responsible.  You cannot receive love until you are giving it without expectation.

Of all the things I miss, having a sidekick or playmate is what I miss the most. Someone who has your back and loves you just the way you are and has fun with it! I’m working on it but also realize that I have to offer the other person that as well.  None of us are easy to live with all the time so a sense of humour is essential for a happy relationship with anyone. So my thought for the day is be your own anchor, take responsibility for yourself, have fun, get rid of your expectations of how others should be and relax. It is all temporary anyway. Appreciate the people in your life and let them know how much they mean to you. Most importantly don’t place unrealistic expectations on them, let them be them and keep your heart wide open so you don’t waste one spectacular minute of your life together.

Spread some love today
Hugs to all
Donna

The Joy and the Anger

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

One of the most difficult years of my life has created some amazing changes in me. While my initial response to all of the adversity and loss that I faced was a soul numbing anger, things have taken a different turn in the last few months. There is a softness in me that did not exist before and a renewed and refined compassion and love for others has blossomed out of that. While I have faced challenges before in my life, this was the first time I looked nowhere but inside my own heart for solutions and answers. I did not look for an external solution.

Something I have discovered is that I have an ability to be in the moment with whatever is happening internally and externally. I am able to be present and look at what is going on and as a result have a better understanding of myself and others. One thing that happened when Howard passed away was extreme sadness and grief which greatly conflicted with my hopes and the feelings of freedom his death gave me. I believe that conflicting emotions are normal during the loss of the significant person in your life and we waste too much time feeling guilty about it. It is a horrible situation to be in, you are trying to let go of them, the life you shared, move on with your life and remember and miss them at the same time. It is a tall order, the letting go and holding on to their memory all at once.

Life is full of conflicting emotions, challenges, joy and miraculous moments. We choose how we respond to that! I allowed my anger to take over for a short period but could not sustain it for long, it was killing my soul. The anger did serve its purpose for that period of time and I am thankful that I experienced it. The anger taught me a lot and may have been the catalyst for the softening that happened. I have a softness for myself and my struggles and have started behaving in a more gentle manner towards others. I do not know, nor should I presume to know how others should be under any circumstance. We just need people to allow us the space to work through it in our own way. We all need that space to learn and grow.

Having the ability and desire to look objectively at yourself and your reactions to the world and circumstance is a priceless learning opportunity. You can allow theses things to harden you and I believe that the people who feel as though these things have happened to them will harden. Life is happening to them, they are not active participants in their own life, the surface of the why of things is barely scratched. When you take the time to look deeper with an attitude of discovery and wonder it is amazing to see the layers and depths of the pain and untruths. My anger was there to insulate me from the pain and fear. But in insulating myself from the grief, pain and fear, I also insulated myself from fully experiencing all the good, the joy, the hope and the wonder. It is a double edged sword, anger is, that closes your heart off so you don’t feel anything.

I sat in this living room the day I started this blog and had an awakening of sorts. I fell in love with my life and could see how all the emotions, both conflicting and complimentary, were connected. I will call this a spiritual awakening simply because I experienced my own soul breaking free from all of the constraints my mind and beliefs had placed upon it. I was free in a way I had never been, I was free to just be. No rules, no right and wrong, just me naked in my humanity. I have great hope for humanity and know that people just like me are having awakenings of their own in the most mundane of places. Our quiet strength is far more powerful than the anger and fear being spewed out of so many minds and angry hearts at the moment. Living with your heart wide open allows you to feel everything and that can be a scary place to live from. It is painful and my heart breaks on a daily basis but my heart with it’s wide open embrace also gets to experience all the joy and wonders of being human in this time and place.

Be gentle

Donna

Energy of the Heart

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Why is it when you spend time around certain people they raise you up and you feel energized? Then again there are others who drag you down and your energy level plummets. My take on it is people have different energetic vibrations. Some vibrate higher and raise you up, others vibrate lower and bring you down. What causes people to have different energetic vibrations and how can you deal with the ones that bring you down? I would say a person’s vibration level is based on a number of factors such as diet, general world view, life experiences etc. However, one thing I have noticed is that people who live from their heart seem to always have a higher energy regardless of the factors mentioned previously. Maybe there is something to that. Think about the people you know, how they make you feel and whether they live from their heart.

I have always had difficulty around certain people who make me feel drained after I have spent some time with them. I tried everything suggested to me by other energy workers and nothing worked. Sometimes I am given information, though I cannot tell you where it comes from, it is almost as if the information is downloaded to my mind. I am unable to explain it. One day on my drive to work last year I had in influx of information about energetic exchanges with others. I was so excited and it made perfect sense to me, it also helped me deal with the issue in a different manner. The basic idea is if two people are vibrating at different levels one will move up and one will move down until they are at the same level. Some people are like leeches and just keep sucking at your energy field. They want to feel good and this is the only way they know how to achieve it. The way to deal with this is to NOT prevent them from taking your energy, protecting your energy creates a game of tug of war, with no winners in the war. Instead of trying to stop them from taking it, just give it to them freely. The amount of energy available to you from the universe is limitless so tap in and just give it to the poor buggers! To tap in just envision roots going out of your feet and into the earth and ask the universe nicely for the energy, for the most part intent is enough. The universe responds to you!  For years people told me to protect myself from these energy leeches but it never worked for me and I couldn’t figure out why. This solved my problem, I mean it literally stopped the problem of feeling drained. Now I just pass them energy, their level increases and it is a win win situation, everyone leaves feeling great.

I am a firm believer that what you resist persists and that there are no winners when there are two opposing forces. You are not trying to prevent something you are solving a problem, yours and theirs. Try it and see if it works for you. It may not work for everyone, but I think it is possible if you do it freely with loving intent. We all have someone who we feel drained around in our life so give it a whirl next time you see them. I promise the more you do it the easier it gets. I even practiced on people in the line up at the grocery store! Some of their reactions were really funny, but most of the time I noticed some of the tension they were carrying lessen and some even smiled at me . It’s like a little energetic good deed! I even did it tonight when I was out to dinner, there was a fussy baby at the next table and I just sent her energy and she calmed down immediately and we all enjoyed our meal.

I know I talk about living with your heart wide open a lot and I believe that this is just another facet of that. It is all about what you are putting out into the universe. What you put out comes back to you. It is a huge cycle of giving and receiving but without the expectation of getting anything out of it. It is done out of love, plain and simple. There is no I, there is just us. We are all connected to each other and part of each other and the universe. Love has the power to heal and melt the most frozen of hearts, it just takes time. So love yourself, love others and meet everything with your heart wide open. Share the energy of love!

So this morning as it sit here with my steaming mug of coffee in, you guessed it, my sunny yellow mug, I ask the universe to help me find the energy to get everything done and have some left over to be of service to others.  This cold I have has taken its toll on me and I still have a house to finish packing up, a garage sale to organize, a new house to set up, and a number of other things to attend to.  There are always people who are willing to help and what do you know, they show up just when I need them.

Hug everyone and live like you mean it!

Donna

 

Focus Pocus

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I have some downtime as I wait at the car dealership to have some window shields installed on my car. Bonus, they are going to wash it for me too! That was my next stop, the car wash, so I can now cross that off my list of things to do today. Oh yes my list that I spent ten minutes writing out is sitting on the kitchen table at home. I could have sworn I put it in my pocket but found receipts from the grocery store instead. I have only been on my own unsupervised for a few months, so don’t judge. I am learning to focus but it is slow going. I seem to be one of those people who gets so engrossed in a task that I don’t notice anyone or anything around me, or, I can’t focus at all. Do not talk to me when I am reading a book, I will not hear you.

This ability to tune everything out can be a blessing or a curse depending on how you view it.  I can focus intently on the project at hand, that is good. But I also forget to eat or pay attention to the time and can miss appointments. I am rarely late simply because I don’t start something I need to focus on for a few hours before I need to go out.   They are taking a long time to install these parts on my car, I should go see what is going on. Okay, they are only half done and I have been here for 1.5 hours. My car was really dirty so it took them longer to clean it I guess. See the focus can turn off and on willy nilly. Being unfocused sometimes allows me to go with the flow more readily. I can change plans at the drop of a hat, I am flexible like that.

Now for the unfocused part. Sometimes I have trouble finishing things. I write a note but leave it on the table. I start something in one room, stop for a cup of tea and then something else catches my attention and I forget what I was halfway through in the other room. Perhaps I will find a happy medium at some point or I could always move to a place that just has one big room for a living space! I just tell everyone that it is part of my charm!

Started this post on Friday, it is now Saturday.  Today is moving day. My house looks like a disaster zone and it is pouring rain outside. I have friends coming to help which is beyond wonderful. It will be nice to see something other than a sofa in my new place. I did not realize that I owned so much stuff!   Sorting through and packing things has been an eye opener! I have six boxes of stuff, numerous furniture pieces and art work set aside for my garage sale in two weeks. I am taking the things I love with me and finding new homes for the rest. Guess I better get my act together and get more things done and packed before everyone arrives. There has also been an offer put in to buy my house before I put it on the market! It seems fair to both of us so with a little tweaking I may accept it. Wow! I hope this place is as peaceful and nurturing for the next people who live here. Wish me luck on my new adventures!

Today I wil leave you with a poem that I love! Enjoy, I am sure you have heard this one before.  Read it with your heart this time.

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.

Where there is hatred, let me sow love.

Where there is injury, pardon.

Where there is doubt, faith.

Where there is despair, hope.

Where there is darkness, light.

Where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master,

grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled, as to console;

to be understood, as to understand;

to be loved, as to love.

For it is in giving that we receive.

It is in pardoning that we are pardoned,

and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.

Amen.

(Attributed to St Francis)

 

Much love and peace to all

Donna