Grief and Compost

Woke up this morning with tears streaming down my face. I had a dream about Howard which I do not think has happened since he passed away. It was a wonderful dream and he was so happy and full of life. Then I woke up and remembered that he is gone and the grief started pouring from my heart and eyes. This has not happened for months and took me by surprise. I remembered the last few days of his life and some of the conversations and experiences we had together. I asked him not to leave me here all by myself and he said he wouldn’t. I knew he could not stay and I could not stand to see him in so much pain. So, I had to let him go and let him know I would be okay. He just grinned and said I know you will, like he knew something I didn’t.

There must have been some part of him that knew he would be leaving long before he got diagnosed with cancer. He tidied up a lot of loose ends with the vintage cars and made connections with people who would become important to me. Sometimes it feels like he is still looking after me and that I am never alone. Other times, I can barely remember what it was like to have him here, my life has changed so much. I have no regrets, I feel no guilt, and know we both loved and appreciated each other. Howard actually thanked me for staying with him through all of it which surprised me. He said some people would have walked away. I don’t want to know those people. How could you walk away from someone you love just when they need you the most. According to the hospice staff it happens more frequently than we know. What a sad and lonely world we live in.

I thank the universe that I had the strength of spirit to stand by my man when things went to shit. I never realized how much strength I truly had hidden inside this small body. I will be there for the people I love regardless of how much it hurts me to see and feel their pain. My heart just keeps getting bigger because of it. I also had a lot of people who stood by me and supported me through this whole process and my God I love them for it. They are my tribe, my community. It takes special people to allow someone to fall apart and just be there for them without trying to change it or fix it for them. Some want to stop your tears and your grief. They cannot handle your pain, it makes them feel things they do not want to feel inside themselves. It is all about them and their fears.

Today I have a few people coming to the house to take more things away. The fishing boat, some sculptures and tools. Soon there will be nothing left but an empty house sitting on this land. Land that has nurtured me for twelve years. I am going to walk away from here soon and it is proving to be much harder than I expected. However, I am not walking away from my life with Howard, I am walking towards something, I am walking towards my future.

Be there, really be there, for the people you love. Don’t shy away from the tough times, you don’t grow when everything is all rosy. In our disposable society, in which even people are disposable to some, be the compost. Be the compost that provides nourishment and promotes growth in others. Take all the pain you have experienced in your life and use it to find that connection with others and encourage them to be the best them they can be. Be compost for their soul and yours.

Love to all

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Anchors and Drifting

Fell asleep last night listening to the frog choir. One lone frog singing is as annoying as a dripping tap, but get a bunch of them together and it is a soothing and sleep inducing symphony of spring! Having ponds on your property helps with the frog population.
I slept for seven hours and feel refreshed with a new sense of peace this morning. Thanks frog nation! Yesterday, I had this vague restlessness and felt as though things were slightly off and to be honest was not my happy, smiling self. Took me until about two in the afternoon to work it out thanks to a quick (is there such a thing?) phone call to my wise friend Debra. We talked things out until I dug deep enough to figure out what was going on.

I am not generally a surface dweller, I usually dig until I find what I need. Right now I am tired of digging and analyzing and thinking. I want to have some fun! Finding the answers to what makes you the way you are is fun isn’t it? So these emotions I was feeling yesterday had me kind of low and I am tired of low, so I dug. Twenty minutes of telling Deb what was bugging me and her very astute questions and insights and bingo the reason popped out of my mouth. I said I need something solid to hang on to! I needed an anchor! Aha moment. Once the truth of a situation is acknowledged the relief is immediate, no resistance and the truth sets you free. Isn’t that brilliant?

All the changes that have happened in the last year and the ones I am still in the middle of have left me feeling like I am adrift in a stormy ocean. Plans ha, the universe is constantly saying no to my plans. Okay, I am adrift in this vast ocean, can’t make plans, and don’t know which direction the shore is in so I can haul my little ass onto the sand. Fine, I will just lay here on the choppy water and float to wherever the current takes me. Breathe, relax and let it all go. Why do we always have to have a plan? I am usually allergic to solid planning because life is structured enough, but right now I want to make some. Universe says no, not quite yet.

Okay, fine. While I wasn’t completely happy with my life, work and relationships last year, it was a solid life. I had an anchor to keep me from drifting. Actually I had a few anchors. The problem with anchors is if you use them at the wrong time or get tangled in the anchor chain the results can be disastrous. For good or bad reasons (it doesn’t really matter at this point) Howard was my anchor.
He provided stability for me when I needed it the most and to be truthful I don’t think I had any stability in my life before I met him. I gained weight for the first time in my entire life simply because I felt safe and relaxed. I was loved and felt safe. Here is the problem, Howard is gone from this earth and I have realized that I need to be my own anchor. Howard gave me twelve years of his life to teach me how to stand strong on my own.

Howard taught me a lot. In fact, I am still learning from our life together. Ooh the sunrise is spectacular this morning! I just looked out the window and the sky is a beautiful pink with deep streaks of gold. Great day to be alive and witness the miracles of being here on this planet. Back to the post. I think we place too much responsibility on the significant person in our life to be the thing we need. By that I mean, we look to them to fill in the gaps of our soul. That is not fair to the other person. You and only you are responsible for your own thoughts, emotions and actions, period. Sometimes we like to think that the other person is the cause but that is just us avoiding the truth and digging deep to find it. They pissed you off, dissappointed you, didn’t meet your expectations, whatever and you justify what you do in response to that. You are lying to yourself. It is you who are responsible.  You cannot receive love until you are giving it without expectation.

Of all the things I miss, having a sidekick or playmate is what I miss the most. Someone who has your back and loves you just the way you are and has fun with it! I’m working on it but also realize that I have to offer the other person that as well.  None of us are easy to live with all the time so a sense of humour is essential for a happy relationship with anyone. So my thought for the day is be your own anchor, take responsibility for yourself, have fun, get rid of your expectations of how others should be and relax. It is all temporary anyway. Appreciate the people in your life and let them know how much they mean to you. Most importantly don’t place unrealistic expectations on them, let them be them and keep your heart wide open so you don’t waste one spectacular minute of your life together.

Spread some love today
Hugs to all
Donna

What Do You See

Do you spend much time watching people? I look at their faces when they talk, I watch them interact with others and see how little they touch others. People for the most part do not look relaxed, they look worried. I wonder what they worry about? I know I worry about the craziest things sometimes. It would be nice if people walked around with one of those little word clouds over their heads so we knew what was going on. Can you imagine a world where nothing was hidden inside us? I don’t know if that would make things better or worse. Honest for sure and I could appreciate that.

We have been trained to have light superficial interactions with others. We touch yet we don’t touch them, we see yet we don’t see them, there is a coldness, a sense of heartlessness to our interactions. We are distanced from others by our expectations, worries and materialistic competitiveness. Why can’t we just open our hearts and say what we want to, what we long to? Part of us is crying out to do just that but we silence it. Don’t take chances or risk looking foolish for goodness sake. Silence it for too long and you become mute of voice and heart. Sometimes I would like to say things to people but I stay silent. I have decided to change that.

How am I going to change that? Not quite sure at the moment but as per usual I will figure it out as I go. I guess one way of changing that is through this blog. I’m taking a risk and putting it all out there. You are faceless though which makes it much easier. When I am standing in front of someone, all vulnerable and worried, I clam up. It is rare for me to regret something I have said. Most of my regrets come from what is left unspoken, what I do not have the courage to say.

I touch people a lot. I hug people and I touch their arm or shoulder when we are talking. I also look at people’s faces when we talk and I also look at their eyes. I love faces! I will pick lint off their clothes, tell them their zipper is down or their shoe is untied and in some cases have offered them a tissue or breath mint. I notice all theses thing but sometimes am still not seeing the person. Look at their eyes and you can see the pain, humour, anger, deceit and love inside them. What I find really interesting is when I see them, truly see them, I see myself in their eyes.

So, my plan this year is to say the things that make me vulnerable. Let people know how much I appreciate them, love them, enjoy them and just let them know they matter and are more than enough just the way they are. Ooh it is going to be a little awkward at first but I have felt awkward most of my life in one way or another. Wish we had the thought bubbles! See people, touch people, love people, watch people and learn much about yourself

Spread some love today!

Donna

Friends with Benefits

I was so overwhelmed by loneliness yesterday it was, well, overwhelming. I don’t think I have ever felt this lonely in my life! I tried just sitting with it and exploring it and made it to 9pm and then reached out to a friend. We talked about a number of things but I didn’t mention the lonely part. Why wasn’t I willing to just say I was lonely? Perhaps I didn’t want to appear needy? I need people and the connections with others and am tired of doing most things alone. One of the things I have discovered on this twisted path of learning is, there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. So what is the difference? One is focused inward and one is focused outward. Much of our lives are focused outward and we are disconnected from ourselves. Now that is lonely!

Some people would give anything for sometime by themselves. When they get it what do they do with it? I don’t know, even when I am in a relationship I spend a lot of time by myself. I read, create things, talk to friends, listen to music, go for a walk and putter. I like to putter, it helps me think. No one likes people who are self-centred right? I think we need to be centred in ourselves, subtle difference but huge at the same time. Instead we are constantly distracted by things, always entertaining ourselves and looking for answers out there. We know the answers already, we just need to be self-centred in order to see them. So instead of viewing the term self-centred in the negative sense of a person who shows no concern for others and is only interested in their own wants and needs, let’s redefine it as someone who is centred in themselves. We can use self-absorbed for the negative aspect.

So you don’t want to be self-absorbed but you do want to be self-centred! If you are centred, some would say grounded, it means you are aware of yourself and the world around you. You can see the interactions for what they are. You are not trying to constantly distract yourself from yourself. Back to last night, what is it I did not want to look at internally that had me reaching outside of myself and had me feeling terribly lonely. I want to matter! I want to matter to someone else! I don’t want to be an afterthought for them. I want to be a priority in their lives. First, I have to be in that relationship with myself. I need to matter and be a priority in my own life! So in order to have that I need to be present and if I am constantly looking for distractions that cannot happen.

Our society is a sad sad world of distractions and disconnections. We spend so much time looking outwards and expecting others to meet our needs it is no wonder there are so many divorces and unhappy relationships. They cannot fix you or any other part of your life! Only you can fix you and your life by doing the work and being centred in self. You are not going to find the relationship you want until you are able to have that relationship with yourself. So stop looking outside yourself for the answers. The next significant person in your life is not the answer to your problems and it is extremely unfair to expect that of them. So before you enter into any relationship ask yourself why. Why do I want to be with them? What am I expecting them to provide me with that I can’t provide for myself?

My ideal relationship, which I have touched on before, still gives me lots of time to be by myself. I am not looking for someone to be the solution to my troubles. I don’t need someone to be my other half, I am already whole. I want someone that I can talk to, travel with, be intimate with, laugh with and grow together and separately with. Basically I want a friend with benefits who doesn’t “need” me in their life but “wants”me in their life and challenges me to be a better person. I also want to challenge them to be all that they can be, I don’t need or want to change them, they are already whole.
Don’t forget to hug

Love to you all

Donna

Mental What?

When I was twenty three I got married and moved from the only home I had ever known on the east coast all the way across the country to Vancouver Island. I also suffered my first panic attack shortly after that. I thought I had a heart attack and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where they declared me physically fine, said it was just a panic attack and sent me home. I had no idea at that time that anxiety and the associated panic attacks were going to lead me on a painful and wonderful journey of discovery.  At one point in my late twenties these attacks were so bad that I could not leave the house on my own. My own territory, my home, was a safe place where I could control the environment and who entered it.  Just going across the parking lot to get lunch at work was a walk of extreme discomfort. At work I was fine, at home I was fine, or was I? I had trouble breathing, got frequent chest pains, headaches, suffered from severe stomach issues and the list goes on. Living in a constant state of fear is hard on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Living in a constant state of anxiety is like being slowly buried alive and not being able to do anything about it, you are frozen with fear.

I did not get my drivers liscence until I was in my thirties and still deal with panic attacks when I have to drive somewhere that I am not familiar with, though the severity of them has lessened over time. I have to tell you that I have driven across most of Canada now, woohoo!  I would like to be able to tell you that there was one magic thing that fixed it all but there was not. It was a whole bunch of little things learned and ways of being that were incorporated into my life in small increments that helped. I also had help from professionals and non professionals. I also encourage anyone with any type of problem to reach out for help. Apparently some would consider this to be a form of mental illness, though I do not label myself in that way. From what I have seen over the years everyone suffers from some form of mental illness even if it is just an grossly overblown sense of self importance.  Just take a look at the Trump disaster that is going on with our neighbours to the south. Do you think he is displaying any level of sane thought or action, or the country as a whole is thinking with their right mind?  We are seeing only a small part of the picture. The anxiety and panic attacks are only a small part of you, though they can take over your life. I think as a society we are too caught up in labels. Every one has felt fear, anxiety and panic at some point in their lives. For some of us the dance with them lasts longer and for others the dance only ends with their death. Please reach out to people and keep reaching out until you find someone that you can relate to. I have worked extremely hard to get to the point I am at today, so I understand the struggles people face. Their struggles might not be exactly the same, but if we focus on the differences there will never be any understanding of the other.  I won’t lie it will not be easy.  Nothing worth having ever is.  You are worth it so fight, dig, cry, scream, but do the work.  You. Are. Worth. It.

I did not expect to write this post and quite frankly I am not all that comfortable doing it, but once again the universe compels me to speak. Okay universe I will go with this, but know I am not happy about it. This makes me vulnerable and I know based on previous experiences that I will be judged by some people and loved by others for my honesty and candor. I have no control over how others will react to this. I want you to know that most of these panic attacks and severe anxiety episodes have taken place in private. I still have them happen in public and this is when I say slightly inappropriate things or my behaviour seems a bit off. I laughed so hard at a funeral that I had to get up and leave, people thought I was sobbing in grief and I was almost peeing my pants with laughter! Yup, I’m a giggle at a funeral. Sometimes I look away from you when I am speaking to collect myself and so you do not see the pain or anxiety. Most of you don’t notice. People who know me socially, may be surprised by this post. Those who know me on an intimate level have seen me struggle, overcome, struggle again and grow and grow and glow.  Little typo there but I’m going to keep the glow, I like it.  It fits.

What do you think when you hear the words mental illness? It sends shivers up my spine let me tell ya. I want nothing to do with that. I had a friend who was a psychologist and I had a chat with him one day. I told him that I thought I might be crazy and gave him a few examples of why I thought this.  He told me nope you are just human and the secret is that the really crazy ones would never even question their sanity, they are the serial killers, the Hitler’s of the world and the ones with no thought of anyone or anything but themselves. God, I loved that man and miss him still. Thanks John for helping me realize my humanity was showing and heal myself.   I loved his down to earth perspective on life and am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him.

So our societal and medical systems love labels but labels don’t take into account that we are so much more than just that and capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.  I think that what I am supposed to remind you of today is that you are so much more. You are so much more than your fears, insecurities, doubts and struggles. You are also enough, more than enough and much more lovable than you believe. Your ability to heal is also far greater than you have been led to believe. You are uncomfortable and fearful for a reason. Get help and discover the reason. There is always an underlying reason. Do not be afraid of uncovering what lies underneath.  I know it is extremely difficult and I would hold your hand through it if I could. The truth of it all will set you free from the prison that anxiety has you caged in. Today I will leave you with a poem that I wrote a few years ago about a crystal called sodalite. I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night to write the poem down so I could go back to sleep. The stone wanted to speak. This dark blue stone is related to your voice, throat chakra and speaking your truth. My wish for each of you is that you are always provided with the help you need and you live your truth with love and compassion. I also hope you find your voice and use it to help others.  Much love to all of you.

 

Cold, blue, stone of truth

Release the bonds of silence

That fear has wrapped

Around my soul

The truth inside me is released

With quiet strength

I find my voice

In the middle of my thoughts and feelings

My hearts sings with freedom

Arms raised to the night

I dance with my tears

Under a cold, blue, sky

Reach out and hug someone

Judge none

Donna

 

She Walks With A Raven

It is 5:30 am and the fire is going, coffee is brewing and yup here I am all snuggled up in my chair with a blanket that I made. I need some comfort this morning. The last time I glanced at the clock it read 3:30.   I have had two hours sleep and I rarely have trouble sleeping. What is going on? There are a few things that can keep me awake at night, excited anticipation (no, it is not that) or a restlessness that is usually a harbinger of a unexpected huge change in my life. This has happened to me a few times in my life and this time I’m nervous. Good God how much change can I possibly handle in one year! It is almost as if on some level a huge shift is taking place and I can feel it in my bones. I am moving next week, but I have known about that for over a month. I don’t think that is it. This one is going to be a game changer, I can feel it. I do not feel as though I am ready for it. Am I ever truly ready when the universe literally rocks my world? Nope but I stumble into the future with a huge grin anyway.

My life is strange by some’s standards. I have friends who can predict earthquakes, see people who have crossed to the other side, heal broken bones with the energy that flows through them, and one or two who channel their spirit guides. How do I know these people, well, I am one of them. I decided that I have avoided this subject long enough. I have one or two friends who have seen people who have crossed over since they were small children. The world has not been kind to them. The world is never kind to people who are different and by world I mean the people.   People who tell a child that she is being seduced by the devil, need to spend some time in hell. I don’t really care if people believe that I can see some of the things I can see. I certainly cannot prove it to them but damn it don’t treat me like the spawn of satan. I as well as my friends do things from our hearts and most of us would not even hurt a fly. We would trap them gently and put them outside. We see things you may not and because of this we walk very softly on this earth.

I remember sitting on the bus with my mother when I was approx five years old. I pointed to a woman sitting across from us and said, “look at the pretty camel Mom.” My mother was not impressed and I am sure the woman wasn’t either. I was told that it was not polite to tell people they looked like a camel. What they didn’t know was that my young eyes saw the camel with her snuggled up close like a part of her but I did not think she looked like one. I stopped telling people what I saw and just ignored the animals because that would mean I was crazy right. When people hear that I see spirit animals they react in one of two ways, they either get extremely uncomfortable or they ask me if I can see their animal. If I am uncomfortable I see nothing and to be honest I don’t go looking unless someone asks me or the animal just pops up begging for my attention. People deserve their privacy and i don’t invade that privacy. I have had an animal with me since the day I was born and it warns me of danger and has literally saved my life once or twice. My raven is huge and he makes a noise that sounds like laughter. I walk through this world with a raven beside me. When there is danger nearby or I need to pay attention to something ravens and crows in nature will start acting strangely around me. This has happened many times and I always pay attention.

If I run into people and the animals show themselves it is usually to give me information me about the person. For example, I know to be wary if I see a weasel around someone. It tells me that the person is subtle and sneaky and will use others to meet their own needs all under the guise of being helpful and they watch people to learn their weaknesses. Now if the weasel is hissing ( do weasels actually hiss?) or aggressive that is quite different than if the weasel is all curled up and gentle. One makes me wary the other doesn’t. The soft gentle weasel is comfortable with their surroundings and they are great at seeing under the surface of things, they are also fiercely protective over the people they love. God this is difficult to write about. Still thinking I am a little crazy? It gets even more strange.

The animals give me information immediately that I normally would have discovered over time. They do not tell me your secrets! Even this ability is starting to change for me. Animals have always acted in strange ways around me. Horses that the owner swears are gentle will rise up, hooves pawing the air and head tossing wildly. My friend’s birds hide when I come near their cage. Cats usually avoid me and I love cats. Birds in nature swoop at my head all the time. I was attacked by a group of dogs when I was younger and have been terrified of strange dogs ever since. This fear is slowly starting to leave me and having dogs in my life has helped tremendously. I actually met some Great Danes yesterday and while the thought of it terrified me it wasn’t bad at all. They were like the gentle giants of the dog world and have such huge hearts. So while in the past they have reacted to me in some not so cuddly ways now it’s like they want to rub themselves all over me. They know I can understand them and this is the new thing, your pets are talking to me. I don’t actually hear voices it is more like feelings and just knowing. They don’t give away your secrets either! They love you and they do not judge you. Lately I have had a few animals show me things but I have to be very calm and comfortable around them and you in order for this to happen. Given my past I am not comfortable all that often around animals or people.

Why have I come out of the animal closet this morning? I am not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the restlessness of last night that has still not left me. Perhaps I just am tired of not being able to talk about it except with my closest friends. The animals in our lives and nature have much to teach us. Has your dog ever reacted strangely to someone? Pay attention to that, it can tell you a lot. Why did animals react so strongly to me in the past? I think it may have to do with the fact that I usually travel with a zoo of spirit animals and when I was uncomfortable so was the zoo. Perhaps your animals were reacting to me and the spirit animals discomfort. I may never know the answer. All I know is that this is changing and I am willing to explore it so I can no longer hide it.  I give thanks to all the animals both the real and the spirit ones for teaching me what it is like to be human. I give thanks for all the love they have shown me and the trust they have given to share their feelings with me. Okay animal kingdom bring it, I am now ready.

 

 

Walk gently

Hug lots

Donna

 

 

 

Walking in Love

Some days I ask my self what the heck were you thinking! I know other people have said that to me but when you say it to yourself it is a whole other matter. My life has had so many changes lately that I am dizzy. I am doing a number of things that I have never done before and some of them make me uncomfortable. I wonder why and continue to explore that. I have someone coming to the house today to look at and hopefully buy one of the old Cadillacs. I have asked a friend for advice and listened to what he had to say and he made some very good points. What it comes down to is the emotional attachment I have to that car and the man who restored it. It is difficult to be objective and not take it personally when they point out the flaws and walk around the car looking for any little mark or blemish. It is just a car. Or is it? The car represented a dream for someone and they spent thousands of hours making that dream a reality. I just have to remember that it was their dream, not mine. I will bite my tongue so my mouth doesn’t get me into trouble and perhaps this person will love the car because it is part of their dream as well. My dreams for the most part don’t have material things at the forefront.

My dreams are about people and community. I want a life that is filled with meaning and deep human connections. I don’t care what kind of car you drive, what you do for a living, how many things you own or how much you weigh. I sometimes forget what an impact we can have on the lives of those around us. My favourite people are the ones who love unconditionally and treat everyone with respect and compassion. The longer I live the more of them I find. This is also what I want to give to others. One of my dreams is to have a small almost communal retreat centre. I see yurts or mini houses and a large communal space for workshops and dining. I see horses there (I know nothing about horses) for some reason, as well as dogs, cats, and chickens. Animals rescued from neglect and trauma similar to the people who find their way there. We have all suffered and continue to suffer from what we do to ourselves or what is inflicted upon us by others. I find it easier to get over what others may have done, the damage I have done to myself is a little tougher to work through. One of the things that I have realized lately is that I already offer that to people, a safe place to recover from whatever haunts them. I listen to them and I share my own experiences. Being able to do that is precious to me and a fundamental part of who I am today. I have not always been that person and have been ashamed of the way I have treated people in the past. I was struggling and doing the best I could at the time and have had to let that go. Times are different now and I finally feel as though I have something to offer the world. I think you need to go through some tough times in order to understand others when they go through it. Now all I have to do is manifest the buildings and the rest will flow from there. If you build it they will come!

So today the only thing I have to offer you is me. When we sit down together we create a sacred space and in that space is my love for you, the universe’s love for you (they are the same). That is a very healing space don’t you think? No judgement, no condemnation, just freedom from your past and an appreciation for whatever stage of your path you are on. In the past when I have run across people who have struggled with the same issues I have, I did not display much patience. I just wanted to smack some sense into them and show them how to do it. Not great, I know. Time and growth has given me a different perspective and I can truly appreciate where a person is at this moment in time. Judgement has been replaced by compassion, anger towards myself replaced by patience toward you, hatred by love, exclusion by inclusion, differences by similarities and the list goes on. I ask myself on a regular basis how I want to contribute today. I let the universe know each morning that I am ready to serve others in a way that is good for them. I learn more from helping other people than I ever did when I was a self centred, self absorbed person. There is a softness in me that did not exist before and it continues to grow. Oh, I can still be self centred and it happens when I struggle with things and fear takes over. It is not pretty but life and the human experience are not always pretty. I am learning to show myself the same level of compassion and caring that I extend to others.

Create that space for others, if you are able, so they feel safe and loved. People who are crying out for love can do so in some of the most unlovable ways. I am not saying you should tolerate atrocious behaviour or abuse from other people, walk or better yet run from that. Some people don’t want to change or grow. You cannot help them yet. The people who need you will find you and you will learn much from each other. The best teachers are students themselves! So the answer to what were you thinking is, I was doing the best I could based on my level of resistance and emotional turmoil at the time. The struggles from our past have created the masterpieces that we are today. Even the great masters painted some nasty looking stuff while they honed their talents and craft. Be gentle with yourself and others, we are all learning what it is to be fully human and walk this world in love.

 

Spread some love

Don’t forget the hugs

Donna

 

Wings and Things

I was going to take the day off and then it got filled up with things to do. I am busier now that I am no longer working and wonder how I ever got anything done when I had a business and a full time job. I guess now my time is filled with things I want to do. Lunch with friends, long walks, phone calls with friends and family who don’t live close by and time to just breathe. Getting geared up to move and selling most of my material possessions is an interesting and some times strange experience. I have a difficult time putting a value on material items. I apparently do not have a talent for dickering, they ask what I would like for it and because of my previously mentioned difficulty I just ask what they would like to pay. If the offer is reasonable I’ll accept it. This throws people off and gives me much amusement when they feel the need to explain or justify their offer. I also like to just give things away! So as I go through each room there is a must pack, a must sell and a donate pile. I also have a cannot decide what to do with this pile. Make me an offer on that pile would you please . My house looks like a war zone.

There is something about decluttering and moving that brings a sense of freedom and clarity. A new home and some new furniture mixed in with the pieces I love. The hardest thing for me to pare down is the artwork. Each piece has strong emotional significance for me. Some pieces I have bought or inherited and then there are Howard’s sculptures. I have decided on two pieces of his, the raven that he made for me and a sculpture called the peaceful warrior. A picture of the warrior is at the top of the page and it is made out of chrome bumpers from antique cars that were no longer usable. Howard was into recycling in a grand way. Interestingly, whenever Howard did a warrior piece they were always female, I loved that about him. This piece is not small so I have no idea where it will fit but I cannot leave it behind. Perhaps it will live in my meditation room, I shall see.

Back to decluttering. What a huge job! It amazes me that a person who really isn’t materialistic can accumulate so much stuff. One thing is for certain I have a penchant for home made soap. Going through the bathroom cupboard revealed 21 bars of soap! I have enough soap to last me almost a whole year! Note to self do not buy anymore soap, toilet paper, laundry detergent, olive oil or coconut milk until I am out of them. Seven cans of coconut milk, really! I stop at the store without my list which is still sitting on the kitchen table ( I make lots of lists then forget to take them with me) and then I can’t remember what I have, so I buy more. You run out of anything call me! Except sugar or cow’s milk, I don’t have either in my house. I also own every kitchen gadget known to mankind. So if I haven’t used it in the last year out it goes. The only thing I do not own at the moment is a coffee grinder, it died a tragic and noisy death last month. So if anyone has bought me a gift in the last few years you may see it at my garage sale and please do not get upset. I am downsizing, it is not a reflection on you, your gift or our relationship.

The important things cannot be packed. The magnolia tree Howard bought me for our first Valentine’s Day together is now almost 20 feet tall, the lilac tree that I planted in memory of our child that was lost, the rock wall we built together on a sunny afternoon, these things cannot be packed. These remind me of the life and love we shared and can only be carried with me in my heart. The land, the house and the material things really don’t matter much in the long run. It was the life of the people and the animals that spent time in this place that I hold dear and I will carry them with me, they have shaped me and made me who I am today.

So I give thanks to the land, to Howard and all the animals that have shared my life, for allowing me to grow and flourish in a safe and supportive environment. I am grateful that I got to be part of it. Now it is time to spread my wings and leave the safety and comfort of this soft little nest and part of me is afraid that I will not be able to fly on my own. I know that letting go is a constantly recurring theme in life and if I hang on to old ways of thinking and being my wings will never develop enough to carry me. Today I will fly knowing that the universe will help me and guide me. The people I need in my life, the new lessons to be learned and the life I am destined for are already there waiting for me. I just have to go meet them with an open mind and wings strengthened by a wide open heart! So the next time someone asks me what my sign is I am going to say open!

Peace and love to all

Donna

 

 

Decisions Decisions

A number of people have told me lately that they think I am strong and brave. I thank them, because it is the polite thing to do, but I make a silent snorting noise in response. I don’t see it the way they do. I just deal with whatever life throws at me the best way I know how. I talk to people, cry, think, laugh, talk some more, listen, talk. Are you starting to see the trend? I talk a lot! I need information and you have to talk to other people to get it, but I also listen when they talk. Well, I don’t listen all the time. I try, but every once in a while I find myself thinking is this person for real? Are they actually saying these things and then I inject “oh really” into the conversation a few times. I am also sure that given some of the things I say to people they are doing the same thing to me!

Information is the key for me. I need lots of it to make a decision, then again, sometimes I make huge decisions without giving it much thought at all. I follow my gut! When I gather copious amounts of info it is because I am afraid to make a decision or a choice. I am at a point in my life where I need to decide where I want to live and what I want to do for the rest of my life. Big decisions right? I could go back to school and finish my degree, I could travel and see some of the world, the possibilities are endless. Holy cow that scares the hell out of me. I am frozen with fear because there are just so many choices. What if I make the wrong choice? What in the hell am I going to do? I change my mind so much people are starting to think I’m a little flaky. I just cannot make a decision.

That’s not entirely true, I decided to move before I sell my home because I felt trapped. One decision done. I feel good about that decision. Living in a suite will allow me to take off on a trip somewhere if I want since I won’t have a huge property to maintain. That choice gave me some freedom. I bought new furniture in the first store I went to instead of my usual routine of going to every store in town first. Sometimes I think that gathering too much information can confuse the issue and make it harder for me to make a decision. Aha moment!   I took a year off to give myself time to tidy up the ruins of the life I had and figure it all out. I am being impatient with myself because I have been brainwashed into thinking that I have to be productive. So I have decided that not making a decision on what I want to do in this next stage of my life counts as a decision. Now the laughter comes bubbling out of me. I have decided that I don’t have to decide right now. Wow, what a relief!

I am looking forward to having time off! I have worked every summer since I was fourteen and this will be the first time I can just do whatever the heck I want. I have made loose plans to do what I am calling a drive about. I am going to get in my car, board the ferry to get to the mainland and drive all over this beautiful province and see the sights. I also have a feeling that this is how I am going to decide where I want to live, just a gut feeling. Oh the people I will meet and the places I will explore! I am going to play for the rest of the year and when my new year starts on my birthday in October I will have a look at my life and make some decisions. So I don’t know about being brave or strong. I am just going to follow my gut instincts for the rest of the year and trust that I will know what to do. I have great faith that the universe will give me signs that point me in the right direction. I just have to pay attention to them.

Trust your gut

Love you all

Donna

Waiting Room Observations

I had a few hours to sit and watch people come and go through one of the largest ERs in our fair city yesterday. There was so much going on it was difficult to process it all. I attempted to talk to some of the people sitting in the waiting area with me but for the most part they were not interested. Bummer. While I was there for something minor, a broken finger sustained when I fell up the stairs at home, some of these people were in a lot of pain. One young woman paced and talked about how bad the pain was for her. It didn’t matter if she was standing or sitting the pain was severe. I wanted to reach out to her, but felt It was not my place. I wonder why I felt that way? I could have helped with energy work and showed her some breathing techniques for the pain but I just sat there and watched her pace and be largely ignored by the staff as person after person was called from their chair into the little treatment rooms. She was there when I arrived and approximately 10 people were seen before her. One nurse did approach her and asked her not to pace in that area and to please sit down. She did get looked at while I was still there and was sent home and told to take Tylenol, there was nothing they could do for her, her back was out and it was, how did the doctor put it, a mechanical issue that they could not treat. Wow!

Another thing I noticed was almost every person had a cell phone and eyes locked on that little screen they were barely cognizant of the fact that there were other people around. I did send two or three texts myself but I saw and heard a lot. I also felt a lot. It was difficult for me to be back at that hospital. That was where we got Howard’s cancer diagnosis and my world started falling apart. The couple sitting next to me were very emotional, he was dying and they were waiting for a bed to have a procedure that would make him more comfortable while they prepared for the inevitable ending. I felt their pain. I asked them if I could get them anything while they waited, what I really wanted to do was hug them. They declined and said they were fine. They were fine. I reached out to them in the only way I could and wished I could have done more.

I also had a bit of a chuckle as one particularly agile woman in her 50’s made a break for it with nurses running after her. She needed to use the bathroom, they called security and she was escorted back to her room. Well let’s say she walked at a marathon pace and now had two nurses and two security guards trying to keep up with her. She winked at me when she went by and that is when I laughed!  Another older gentleman (in his eighties) with a broken shoulder moved to another chair down the hall and left his jacket behind, no one noticed. I returned his jacket to him and we had a short but sweet conversation. He lives alone, his daughter is 3 provinces away and his neighbours came to pick him up and take him home. He really should not be by himself he can barely walk with a walker and now he is one armed, the other strapped tightly to his chest, and trying to use his walker to get around.

Another couple who sat on my left were interesting. She spoke to me a few times. When the woman found out they were going to be there for a few hours she told her husband she was going home and to get the nurses to call her when he was done. He looked shocked! So, she left and he went walk about leaving his cane behind on the chair. I happened to hear his name when they came in so when I was done I took his cane to the nurses station and told them who it belonged to. The nurse did not even look at me she just said okay set it there. I wonder if he ever got it back?

So the two hours went by rather quickly as I watched and listened to what was going on around me. All those people in a small space and they did not really interact with one another. Each one lost in his or her own world of pain. I had the pleasure of some type of connection with almost each person who came into the area, even if it was only eye contact and a smile from me. People don’t look at each other often in these situations it seems. Are we trying to give the others privacy or do we not know how to connect with each other? I’m not sure. All I know is that it was a difficult experience for me to be in that hospital again and I did the only thing I know to do. I explored the feelings and tried to reach out to others. It turned out to be a good day and my finger splinted by the plastic surgeon, off I went. We will see what happens when I make my way to the hand clinic for a more usable customized splint today. This broken finger is leading me on an adventure of discovery and learning that I never expected. Just goes to show me that every situation can teach me something.

 

Peace and love to all

Donna