The Spirals of Your Life

I was thinking about spirals today and how life seems to go in cycles like a spiral circling around and around. If you don’t learn the lesson the first time, wait for it, the universe will present it to you again in a slightly different manner. Isn’t that wonderful? What a nice universe. So pay attention or you get to repeat your relationships problems, family issues, money troubles and anything else you struggle with over and over again until you get the message and learn the lesson.

I was having a conversation with someone a few years ago and they were complaining about their relationships and wondering why women treated them this way. Two failed marriages (didn’t learn the lesson the first time) and they were trying to figure out what was wrong. Being the sympathetic type I asked him what was the only thing that those two relationships had in common. He didn’t know so I pointed it out, the only thing they had in common was him! It did not go well for a moment, then the light went on and he started laughing. I think that as long as we believe the problem originates with someone other than us, we will not learn the lesson and are destined to have the same issues repeatedly. We pick the same type of person or we keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Granted, most of us seem to be drawn to a type, but why? What makes us gravitate towards a certain physical or personality type when we look for someone to have a relationship with. We place a lot of limits on the criteria for our choices. You pick the strong and silent type only to end up resenting them because they don’t talk to you. You picked them! You picked that person so you could continue playing out the drama and learn the lesson. Once you learn the lesson you have some choices. You can chose to stay in that relationship, hopefully you have both grown and can maintain that, or you can let go, cut your losses and stop torturing each other. Some relationships are built on a strong foundation and can withstand the pressures of individual growth, which can lead to mutual growth.  So they picked you and you picked them and you both had reasons for doing so.  It is so simple and yet so complicated at the same time.

Do you have a type? Do you pick the same person over and over again? Do you have the same issues in every relationship? You, yes you, are the key. It is not about them, it is about you, your choices and your willingness to learn and grow. I didn’t mean to pick on relationships specifically. This can be applied to any area of your life that causes you to struggle. Notice the cycles, the spirals of your life. Look at yourself and discover why you do the things you do. It’s uncomfortable and hard at first but once you can get honest with yourself there is no turning back. Once the knowledge is there you cannot unknow it. That knowledge brings with it a responsibility to act upon it and do things differently. A wise friend of mine often reminds me that there are no mistakes, just opportunities for learning and growth.

No mistakes

Love to you all

Donna

 

Relationships

What would you do if life walked up to you and said here is a clean slate create a new life, you have one year, go! I certainly don’t know. Would you say woohoo and go driving happily down the road? Well for me I have to tidy up my old life first. Now while that tidying up happens I start creating my new life. The problem is I have no clear picture of what I want the new life to look like. I know it contains a few material things, my red claw footed table, a Buddha painting and some other artwork, a new bed, charcoal grey sofa and assorted other things that I love. I know it also includes a wonderful group of people that I love and cherish. I am hoping it will contain a wonderful man who thinks I am adorable and all that. The rest is still blank. So far the only decisions I have made are: putting my house up for sale and moving, having a garage sale, I have taken a year off of work, and I refuse to be anything but me regardless of what other people want. Doesn’t seem like I have created much of a life yet does it?

Considering all I have had to let go of, I think I am making great progress. I have examined every belief I have had about myself, the world and others, to try and discover how I truly feel about all of it. One of the things I discovered is that I have always given up a huge chunk of my life for my relationships and am no longer willing to do that. I would support and participate in the things that interested them but they would not do the same for me. Now, no one forced me to behave this way, I volunteered. What the hell was I thinking? Why was I willing to give up so much to be in a relationship? I didn’t think I was worthy, or interesting, or lovable and made apologies for being me. I gave up me to be with them. Society has painted a picture of what relationships and family looks like and we blindly follow it. I always knew I was different than the norm and just wanted to fit in somewhere. I have never felt like I fit in, even in my own family. Now I do not want to fit in anywhere. I just want to be me without feeling like I constantly need to apologize for that. So how do I do that?

Spending lots of time alone gives me time to think and try things out. I have said since I was 19 that my idea of the perfect relationship was me in my house, them in their house and we spent time together when we felt like it. I should have stuck with that. I don’t think I am the marrying type. I don’t want to spend every day and every night with someone and when you live together that is unavoidable. Even living in the same house with separate living quarters would work. Or same property separate houses would work as well. I realize that this is not ideal for everyone, but I am meeting more and more people who think this way. It sure makes sense to me. I think this type of relationship could work if that was what both people wanted and I have seen it work. I have friends that have been married for over 30 years and live next door to each other. They love each other dearly but do not want to live together in the same house. They tried living together and it was a disaster that almost ended in divorce and building a second house on the property was their solution. They are happy, their children get to spend time with both parents and the pets wander from one house to the next. Works great for them so it could work for others. We just need to get past the idea of the traditional relationship that society has thrust upon us.

Relationships, in my opinion, are about respect, passion, communication, affection, trust, honesty, unconditional love and supporting the other person to be themselves in all their glory. What I forgot in my previous attempts was to ask for and allow myself those same things. I would offer those things to the wonderful man in my life but forgot that I deserved to be treated in the same way, not just by them but myself. I did not ask that of them. Now I am asking for what I want and need to be in a healthy balanced relationship and am no longer apologizing. Wow, now there is no pressure to fit in. No desire to be anything but me. I can offer myself fully and completely without losing myself once again in someone else’s idea of what a relationship is. Now, I can have some fun!!

Relationships should be fun. If your friends were no fun you would find new friends, take your toys and go somewhere else! You decide what the game rules are and as long as both parties are on the same page you should have a wonderful time. But, don’t play games, no one likes a player!  This is not to say the relationship won’t have any problems. You are dealing with two people and their egos, accumulated baggage perhaps, and all the ups and downs of any relationship in general. So while I am supporting the other person and encouraging them to follow their dreams, I have to remember that I deserve the same from them and myself. Guess you have to have the ideal relationship with yourself before you can share the love with someone else.

Have a wonderful Monday. I am off to have passport pictures taken and pack more things for my move. Love and peace to you all.

Hug everyone!

Hug them like you mean it!

Donna

Let It Go Baby

Sunday was a strange and difficult day full of mishaps, anger and discoveries. I guess I do not grow when everything is going smoothly and let me tell you sometimes growing is not a graceful process for me. In fact, the morning was so spectacular that I crawled back into bed shortly after noon for a nap. One of the things that I discovered is that my authentic self is always present, she just gets covered up in the untruths that are wound around and around what is real, by myself and others. So what is true? How do you peel away all the extraneous lies, half truths and bullshit. I guess you examine every belief you have about yourself and the world around you and search out the source of it. It doesn’t sound like much fun, but it could be, depending on how you look at it.

With every layer that gets peeled off the weight that has been crushing me lessens. Some of these beliefs are buried deep and it is tough to find their origins. Some have come down through the generations, some from your religion, society, the media and any other entity that needs you to have certain beliefs to further their own agenda. The big question now is what do I believe. I remember talking to a friend when my first husband and I were parting ways. I told my friend that I didn’t believe in divorce, that was for people who didn’t try. He looked me in the eyes and laughed, then he said “Whether you believe in it or not it is happening to you.” That was the first time I traced the origins of a belief and realized it wasn’t really mine, I had been trained to believe it. So, I decided that if I am going to get divorced I am going to make it the best possible divorce I can have. People had lots of advice for me but even back then I looked deep within my own heart and did what I needed to do. The two of us had hurt each other enough and I was not going to allow that to continue, despite the fact that the lawyers and my family all thought I was crazy. I did it with heart.

I now examine things on a regular basis. Sometimes it is easier than others. I have a resistance in me called my ego. Now this ego is a self centered creature and does not want to change anything let alone a belief system. That little voice inside my head that constantly has an opinion and tries to keep the status quo by playing upon my fears and feeding the untruths. Untruths sounds so much better than lies doesn’t it? Nobody likes a liar. So now I know where some of these beliefs come from and that my ego tries to bolster them. What is a woman supposed to do? Well, you look the little liar in the eyes and say enough. You tame that voice until it sits there quietly and becomes the best little ego it can be. You do this by observing your ego’s childlike antics, practicing meditation, yoga, or anything else that works for you and then letting go. Did I mention letting go? Letting go of the beliefs that never served you well, letting go of the ego’s hold on you, and the unrealistic expectations you have of yourself and others. Breathe and let go. Trust. Trust yourself.

Once the letting go becomes part of your life funny things start to happen. I want you to discover them on your own, but as a teaser good days will far out number bad days, laughter will burst out of you more often, and moments of joy for simple things will occur more frequently. The truth was always present, you were born knowing it. Once all the lies and untruths are stripped away you are left standing in your truth all naked and vulnerable like a baby. But a baby with years of worldly experience who lives from the heart, cause really the most important and beautiful things are all about seeing the world through your heart and eyes brimming with love. So, get out there and spread the love and help support others to do the same. Provide them with a safe space to unwind the layers of untruths that are crushing their souls and causing them pain. Please do it gently, they are babies after all.

 

Peace and love

May you be hugged a lot today

Donna