Tag: faith

Books and other Poop

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

It is 5:29 in the morning and I am sitting on the sofa with my sunny yellow mug filled with coffee and a dash of french vanilla creamer.  Shawn and the dog are still sleeping so I have a bit of time to myself.  Even though I don’t write as often anymore, I am still up before the sun on most days.  I turned 55 last week while I was in Florida.  Some of my sister’s friends sang happy birthday to me, there were also cards, cake and a few phone calls from home.  I must say it was a little surreal standing in a strangers house having people I really don’t know singing happy birthday to me and giving me hugs.  I love hugs!  I would rather hug you than shake your hand!  The next day my sister and I attended the Hay House writer’s workshop in Orlando at the Omni resort.  What a beautiful hotel!  Even though the workshop didn’t start until Saturday, I wanted to arrive a day early and relax, have a nice meal and a glass of wine.  We went outside after supper to sit by a huge fire next to the pool and we ran into a number of people that were also attending the workshop.  It is amazing how quickly like-minded people can bond!  We shared stories, laughter and hugs and oh yes a few glasses of wine.

The next morning we are off to the workshop and the energy level was high with anticipation.  I, of course, head directly to the book table.  I love books!  I love the way they smell, the way they feel and the way the little black markings on the page can transport you to another world and allow you to see it through someone else’s heart and mind.  Yup, bought my first book in the first five minutes.  It was Mike Dooley’s latest book called “Playing the Matrix.”   I love his inspirational story and his uplifting writing.  Now I am not one to normally have my picture taken with people, I don’t like having my picture taken, but I saw Mike Dooley and I was on him before he even had his table set up and now that I think back to it, I believe my sister zoomed right in front of me and got to him first.  Not only is she tiny, but she is fast like a little book ninja. Needless to say the two of us, we are book whores extraordinaire, were like small kids at Christmas.  I got a hug from Mike, my picture taken with him and my newly purchased book signed.  Turns out Mike was also one of the first speakers at the workshop.  Who knew that publishing a book was so complicated or that the road to having a book published is a long one that meanders along a rocky coastline with hidden bays and unexpected treasures.  Here is a picture of me, my sister Marg and Mike.  I’m the one on the right, the tall sister!

Well, I guess that the last paragraph let the cat out of the bag.  Yup, I am writing a book.  Let me try that again, OH MY GOD I AM WRITING A BOOK!  I don’t want to tell you too much about it at the moment because (a) I want you to buy my book and (b) I am trying to build up some mystery and suspense so you will buy my book.  I hope you are laughing, because I am and the bonus is laughter heals!  So far I have the title and tagline and a bunch of writing material that needs to be organized, refined, edited and reorganized refined and edited again.  I need to do a book proposal, which will take a few months.  I have a lot of work to do and I am so excited.  This is happening in large part because of all of you who read this blog and have connected with me over the last two years.  You listened when I needed someone to talk to.   You also gave me feedback and the courage to move forward.  I can be brave on my own but when you have hundreds of people cheering you on bravery is taken to a whole new level.  I have also decided that I will continue this little blog, my sightly soiled home in cyberspace so to speak, mainly because I still want and need it and all of you in my life.  You are my cyber-family!  So, if you feel like getting in touch with me,  please send an email to  lifeinaslightlysoiledchair@gmail.com  I would love to hear from you!

I have to tell you a few things about my sister Marg.  She has the biggest heart of anyone I know and she is extremely funny. She will be starting her own blog and website soon.  I am trying to talk her into making her first blog post on pooping in public!  We had some public bathroom trauma at the conference and when she was telling me about her experience I laughed so hard I cried because it was hilarious and yes, we have all had to poop in public at some point in our lives.  I would also like to thank my sister Marg for being a cosmic cheerleader in my life and for loving me in a way that only she can!  Thanks, Marg, I love you bunches and bunches.  So three cosmic cheers for everyone who is brave enough to be themselves and share their story.

Hug lots of people today!!!!!!
Love ya

Donna

 

 

 

Fear and Mirrors

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Sometimes things have to break completely before you can fix them. Life is funny that way. There is a cat that lives on the property, we call her Lucky. I guess she is lucky in a way. She has survived outside on her own for about twelve years, though that is just a guess on my part. I put a bowl of food out for her every night and I lived here for about six months before I ever caught a glimpse of her. Sometimes I wondered if she even existed before I saw her. She is a small, almost white cat with beige and brown markings on her paws, tail and ears. She is tiny, almost delicate like every other female in my man Shawn’s life. She is small but she has a fierce heart. She is a survivor. Every so often I sit with her while she eats and once in a while she lets me pet her and jumps on my lap for a cuddle. Lately, there has been a larger black cat that comes up to the deck to eat the food I set out for Lucky. I call him Spirit. God this black cat is fast! He fights with Lucky over the food and I don’t like that. I think he is a bit of a bully. I say he, even though I don’t know if the cat is male or female. Tonight he ran up the stairs and was across the deck and almost on top of Lucky before I moved and scared him off. I want to protect Lucky but I can’t be by her side all the time. So, I do what I can when I am present, though I am not sure if it helps. I am just the person that fills the silver metal bowl with cat food every night and most mornings before the sun comes up. I have my role to play and I do it with love most times.  Other times, there is more impatience and annoyance than love.

This reminds me that we all have our role to play. Sometimes it is the lead role and other times it is a small cameo. Regardless, the extent of the part we play in the world and others lives is not important, but the role itself big or small is of the utmost importance. It matters to the world and the people we interact with. Remember that. Your part matters. The world would not be the same without you.  The role we play in others lives, in my opinion, is one of the most important things in the world. People and our connections to them shape and change us all.  Lately, my interactions with others have made it quite clear to me that I need to make some changes.  Great more changes!  I had tea and lunch with a friend last week and she pointed out the number of changes that have taken place in my life in the last few years.  I was shocked by the amount even though I have lived, and in some ways thrived, through them.  I left my job, closed my business, wrestled with the illness and loss of the man I loved, sold my house, moved, started a new relationship, moved again and adopted a new circle of friends and family.  There are more changes but those are the most significant ones, and the ones I am willing to share with you.  My new life does not even closely resemble the life I had two years ago.  I sometimes feel as though I am adrift in a huge sea of change and am just waiting to spot land where I can once again feel the solidity of the earth under my feet.

Okay, back to people and fixing things.  I am no longer comfortable with the roles I have previously played.  The life I had disintegrated and while that was extremely difficult it has also given me the opportunity to create a new one and in essence, create a new me.  I have led a very self-centered life up to this point.  I am not proud of this and have been taking a good look at this aspect of my life.  I have also realized that I do like to have time for myself even though I enjoy having lots of people around and finding the balance between the two has been challenging.  In the last month, the universe has kindly provided me with many opportunities that have shone a bright light on my character and pointed out the parts I want to change.  I don’t think I have been a great friend, daughter, sister or partner.  So, I am looking at each of these relationships and the role I play.  If there is a problem with any of these relationships, I need to look at myself first.  The only thing all of these relationships has in common is me.  So sometimes your life needs to fall apart before you can fix it or turn it into something you are proud of.   You need to strip away all the extraneous bullshit of your personality (ego) before you can change it.  Love yourself and love others as unconditionally as you are able to do.  All the things about yourself that you don’t like are magnified in others.  Some say others provide us with a mirror,  I think it is more of a funhouse mirror at the fair that distorts and twists things so they don’t really show what is in front of them as they really are.  The ego is a tricky little thing!  The universe is tricky too and will present you with the same thing over and over in different ways until you are able to see it clearly.

I have come up with many reasons in the last six months that I am unable to write.  I don’t have time, I don’t have a space of my own that inspires me to write,  I have nothing to say, I cannot write about the people in my life because they are entitled to their privacy, and the list of excuses goes on and on.  The reality of it all is that I am afraid.  Afraid I will be judged, afraid that I will fail, afraid that I will succeed and afraid that people will see what lies beneath this facade that I try so hard to protect.  I am taking a big leap next week.  I am attending a writers conference in Orlando with my older sister Margaret.  One part of me is looking forward to the conference and another part of me is afraid. I have mentioned before that I have anxiety attacks.  One of the tricks I have learned in dealing with these anxiety attacks over the years is I ask myself what is the worst thing that can happen.  I spend a few minutes visualizing these worst-case scenarios then visualize ways to deal with them.  Things are never as bad as I imagine they could be, they are usually more wonderful than I ever thought possible.

So, next week will be my 55th birthday and I am off on an adventure with my sister and have no idea how things will turn out.  I am looking forward to spending some time alone with Margaret and sharing this experience with her.  One thing is for sure, there will be lots of laughter and a few glasses of wine in store for us.

 

Hug everyone
Look into the fun-house mirror without fear
xoxoxo
Donna

Energy of the Heart

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Why is it when you spend time around certain people they raise you up and you feel energized? Then again there are others who drag you down and your energy level plummets. My take on it is people have different energetic vibrations. Some vibrate higher and raise you up, others vibrate lower and bring you down. What causes people to have different energetic vibrations and how can you deal with the ones that bring you down? I would say a person’s vibration level is based on a number of factors such as diet, general world view, life experiences etc. However, one thing I have noticed is that people who live from their heart seem to always have a higher energy regardless of the factors mentioned previously. Maybe there is something to that. Think about the people you know, how they make you feel and whether they live from their heart.

I have always had difficulty around certain people who make me feel drained after I have spent some time with them. I tried everything suggested to me by other energy workers and nothing worked. Sometimes I am given information, though I cannot tell you where it comes from, it is almost as if the information is downloaded to my mind. I am unable to explain it. One day on my drive to work last year I had in influx of information about energetic exchanges with others. I was so excited and it made perfect sense to me, it also helped me deal with the issue in a different manner. The basic idea is if two people are vibrating at different levels one will move up and one will move down until they are at the same level. Some people are like leeches and just keep sucking at your energy field. They want to feel good and this is the only way they know how to achieve it. The way to deal with this is to NOT prevent them from taking your energy, protecting your energy creates a game of tug of war, with no winners in the war. Instead of trying to stop them from taking it, just give it to them freely. The amount of energy available to you from the universe is limitless so tap in and just give it to the poor buggers! To tap in just envision roots going out of your feet and into the earth and ask the universe nicely for the energy, for the most part intent is enough. The universe responds to you!  For years people told me to protect myself from these energy leeches but it never worked for me and I couldn’t figure out why. This solved my problem, I mean it literally stopped the problem of feeling drained. Now I just pass them energy, their level increases and it is a win win situation, everyone leaves feeling great.

I am a firm believer that what you resist persists and that there are no winners when there are two opposing forces. You are not trying to prevent something you are solving a problem, yours and theirs. Try it and see if it works for you. It may not work for everyone, but I think it is possible if you do it freely with loving intent. We all have someone who we feel drained around in our life so give it a whirl next time you see them. I promise the more you do it the easier it gets. I even practiced on people in the line up at the grocery store! Some of their reactions were really funny, but most of the time I noticed some of the tension they were carrying lessen and some even smiled at me . It’s like a little energetic good deed! I even did it tonight when I was out to dinner, there was a fussy baby at the next table and I just sent her energy and she calmed down immediately and we all enjoyed our meal.

I know I talk about living with your heart wide open a lot and I believe that this is just another facet of that. It is all about what you are putting out into the universe. What you put out comes back to you. It is a huge cycle of giving and receiving but without the expectation of getting anything out of it. It is done out of love, plain and simple. There is no I, there is just us. We are all connected to each other and part of each other and the universe. Love has the power to heal and melt the most frozen of hearts, it just takes time. So love yourself, love others and meet everything with your heart wide open. Share the energy of love!

So this morning as it sit here with my steaming mug of coffee in, you guessed it, my sunny yellow mug, I ask the universe to help me find the energy to get everything done and have some left over to be of service to others.  This cold I have has taken its toll on me and I still have a house to finish packing up, a garage sale to organize, a new house to set up, and a number of other things to attend to.  There are always people who are willing to help and what do you know, they show up just when I need them.

Hug everyone and live like you mean it!

Donna

 

Mental What?

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

When I was twenty three I got married and moved from the only home I had ever known on the east coast all the way across the country to Vancouver Island. I also suffered my first panic attack shortly after that. I thought I had a heart attack and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where they declared me physically fine, said it was just a panic attack and sent me home. I had no idea at that time that anxiety and the associated panic attacks were going to lead me on a painful and wonderful journey of discovery.  At one point in my late twenties these attacks were so bad that I could not leave the house on my own. My own territory, my home, was a safe place where I could control the environment and who entered it.  Just going across the parking lot to get lunch at work was a walk of extreme discomfort. At work I was fine, at home I was fine, or was I? I had trouble breathing, got frequent chest pains, headaches, suffered from severe stomach issues and the list goes on. Living in a constant state of fear is hard on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Living in a constant state of anxiety is like being slowly buried alive and not being able to do anything about it, you are frozen with fear.

I did not get my drivers liscence until I was in my thirties and still deal with panic attacks when I have to drive somewhere that I am not familiar with, though the severity of them has lessened over time. I have to tell you that I have driven across most of Canada now, woohoo!  I would like to be able to tell you that there was one magic thing that fixed it all but there was not. It was a whole bunch of little things learned and ways of being that were incorporated into my life in small increments that helped. I also had help from professionals and non professionals. I also encourage anyone with any type of problem to reach out for help. Apparently some would consider this to be a form of mental illness, though I do not label myself in that way. From what I have seen over the years everyone suffers from some form of mental illness even if it is just an grossly overblown sense of self importance.  Just take a look at the Trump disaster that is going on with our neighbours to the south. Do you think he is displaying any level of sane thought or action, or the country as a whole is thinking with their right mind?  We are seeing only a small part of the picture. The anxiety and panic attacks are only a small part of you, though they can take over your life. I think as a society we are too caught up in labels. Every one has felt fear, anxiety and panic at some point in their lives. For some of us the dance with them lasts longer and for others the dance only ends with their death. Please reach out to people and keep reaching out until you find someone that you can relate to. I have worked extremely hard to get to the point I am at today, so I understand the struggles people face. Their struggles might not be exactly the same, but if we focus on the differences there will never be any understanding of the other.  I won’t lie it will not be easy.  Nothing worth having ever is.  You are worth it so fight, dig, cry, scream, but do the work.  You. Are. Worth. It.

I did not expect to write this post and quite frankly I am not all that comfortable doing it, but once again the universe compels me to speak. Okay universe I will go with this, but know I am not happy about it. This makes me vulnerable and I know based on previous experiences that I will be judged by some people and loved by others for my honesty and candor. I have no control over how others will react to this. I want you to know that most of these panic attacks and severe anxiety episodes have taken place in private. I still have them happen in public and this is when I say slightly inappropriate things or my behaviour seems a bit off. I laughed so hard at a funeral that I had to get up and leave, people thought I was sobbing in grief and I was almost peeing my pants with laughter! Yup, I’m a giggle at a funeral. Sometimes I look away from you when I am speaking to collect myself and so you do not see the pain or anxiety. Most of you don’t notice. People who know me socially, may be surprised by this post. Those who know me on an intimate level have seen me struggle, overcome, struggle again and grow and grow and glow.  Little typo there but I’m going to keep the glow, I like it.  It fits.

What do you think when you hear the words mental illness? It sends shivers up my spine let me tell ya. I want nothing to do with that. I had a friend who was a psychologist and I had a chat with him one day. I told him that I thought I might be crazy and gave him a few examples of why I thought this.  He told me nope you are just human and the secret is that the really crazy ones would never even question their sanity, they are the serial killers, the Hitler’s of the world and the ones with no thought of anyone or anything but themselves. God, I loved that man and miss him still. Thanks John for helping me realize my humanity was showing and heal myself.   I loved his down to earth perspective on life and am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him.

So our societal and medical systems love labels but labels don’t take into account that we are so much more than just that and capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.  I think that what I am supposed to remind you of today is that you are so much more. You are so much more than your fears, insecurities, doubts and struggles. You are also enough, more than enough and much more lovable than you believe. Your ability to heal is also far greater than you have been led to believe. You are uncomfortable and fearful for a reason. Get help and discover the reason. There is always an underlying reason. Do not be afraid of uncovering what lies underneath.  I know it is extremely difficult and I would hold your hand through it if I could. The truth of it all will set you free from the prison that anxiety has you caged in. Today I will leave you with a poem that I wrote a few years ago about a crystal called sodalite. I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night to write the poem down so I could go back to sleep. The stone wanted to speak. This dark blue stone is related to your voice, throat chakra and speaking your truth. My wish for each of you is that you are always provided with the help you need and you live your truth with love and compassion. I also hope you find your voice and use it to help others.  Much love to all of you.

 

Cold, blue, stone of truth

Release the bonds of silence

That fear has wrapped

Around my soul

The truth inside me is released

With quiet strength

I find my voice

In the middle of my thoughts and feelings

My hearts sings with freedom

Arms raised to the night

I dance with my tears

Under a cold, blue, sky

Reach out and hug someone

Judge none

Donna

 

The Universe Speaks

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Yes! I managed to get six hours of solid sleep last night! Woke up thinking about starting a walking group in the new area I am moving to and I hear very clearly in my left ear someone say sisters. In some cultures the left side of your body is considered the female or yin aspect. So it would make sense the word sisters is said in my left ear. Okay universe I am listening but what the heck does this mean? I believe that we are constantly being given guidance and we just have to pay attention. One word doesn’t necessarily give me a view of the whole picture, but I will pay attention over the next few days and see what else falls into place.

When I sit down to write in the morning I rarely have any idea what I am going to write about. I am a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person so this is okay with me. So off I go willy nilly through my life and just stumble into people and situations never worrying about the small details of things. Just like I started this blog, I just started it, no planning, no idea what I was going to write about. I felt compelled to do this and the words just started flowing. Who cares about grammar and sentence structure, communication and giving myself a voice are the key points. If the universe gives me too much time to think about things I cannot make a move. I get frozen with the options, choices and decisions and just spin in circles never moving forward. The universe is much wiser than I am so I constantly get thrown into things that I wouldn’t usually think are good ideas then a little while later realize they were exactly what I needed at that time. By the way, because I do not follow any one religious or spiritual path, I use the term universe where some would say God, Allah, Jehova etc. This is not me being anti religious it is just my belief system and method for making sense of the world. You have your way, I have my way. Isn’t that wonderful?

So I have told you about my relationship with animals and how they give me info. So the kangaroo sent me a message about moving forward not backward. Last night there were two animals that stood out for me, one was a baboon who shook his red butt at me and a very quiet hyena. At this point I do not have a clear idea what either of those animals were trying to say. I do know that baboons are communicators and hyenas in some cases represent choice of words as in choose your words wisely. Hyenas know when to shut up! The other animal that showed up was a beautiful palomino horse and horses have been popping into my mind a lot lately so I paid attention. Horses for the most part represent power and freedom and this one just popped into view again nodding his head. So this is the way my mind works and yes I realize that to some I will sound crazy, but I no longer care about that.

Kangaroo– moving forward

Baboon– communication. ( was the butt wiggle saying don’t talk through your ass lol)

Hyena– kind words, choose words wisely

Horse–power and freedom

What I get from this –to keep moving forward on this path, the act of communication is very important but to choose my words wisely. There is power in this for me if it is used properly and I will experience a kind of freedom because of it. One more animal that has shown up is a Pegasus and his message last night was more voice, more voice but refine it. So folks there you have it.

They speak and I listen. I was wondering if I should continue with the blog. What am I doing this for? Well the universe got me to start this blog and will continue to guide me. The people who need to read what I have written will find it and the people who don’t need it will not read it. The only way I can refine my writing is to practice, practice, practice.  Simple right? Nothing is ever simple despite how it looks on the surface. I have been given an opportunity to say what I need to say and in a sense this has provided great growth for me and has helped me sort through my feelings around the changes that have taken place in my life. The future is always uncertain. Regardless of your dreams or plans, things are going to happen so don’t be too attached to the outcome. Just sit back and enjoy the wonderful ride the universe will take you on if you let it.

Peace and love to all

Don’t forget to be grateful!

Donna

She Walks With A Raven

Published on by Donna Gray6 Comments

It is 5:30 am and the fire is going, coffee is brewing and yup here I am all snuggled up in my chair with a blanket that I made. I need some comfort this morning. The last time I glanced at the clock it read 3:30.   I have had two hours sleep and I rarely have trouble sleeping. What is going on? There are a few things that can keep me awake at night, excited anticipation (no, it is not that) or a restlessness that is usually a harbinger of a unexpected huge change in my life. This has happened to me a few times in my life and this time I’m nervous. Good God how much change can I possibly handle in one year! It is almost as if on some level a huge shift is taking place and I can feel it in my bones. I am moving next week, but I have known about that for over a month. I don’t think that is it. This one is going to be a game changer, I can feel it. I do not feel as though I am ready for it. Am I ever truly ready when the universe literally rocks my world? Nope but I stumble into the future with a huge grin anyway.

My life is strange by some’s standards. I have friends who can predict earthquakes, see people who have crossed to the other side, heal broken bones with the energy that flows through them, and one or two who channel their spirit guides. How do I know these people, well, I am one of them. I decided that I have avoided this subject long enough. I have one or two friends who have seen people who have crossed over since they were small children. The world has not been kind to them. The world is never kind to people who are different and by world I mean the people.   People who tell a child that she is being seduced by the devil, need to spend some time in hell. I don’t really care if people believe that I can see some of the things I can see. I certainly cannot prove it to them but damn it don’t treat me like the spawn of satan. I as well as my friends do things from our hearts and most of us would not even hurt a fly. We would trap them gently and put them outside. We see things you may not and because of this we walk very softly on this earth.

I remember sitting on the bus with my mother when I was approx five years old. I pointed to a woman sitting across from us and said, “look at the pretty camel Mom.” My mother was not impressed and I am sure the woman wasn’t either. I was told that it was not polite to tell people they looked like a camel. What they didn’t know was that my young eyes saw the camel with her snuggled up close like a part of her but I did not think she looked like one. I stopped telling people what I saw and just ignored the animals because that would mean I was crazy right. When people hear that I see spirit animals they react in one of two ways, they either get extremely uncomfortable or they ask me if I can see their animal. If I am uncomfortable I see nothing and to be honest I don’t go looking unless someone asks me or the animal just pops up begging for my attention. People deserve their privacy and i don’t invade that privacy. I have had an animal with me since the day I was born and it warns me of danger and has literally saved my life once or twice. My raven is huge and he makes a noise that sounds like laughter. I walk through this world with a raven beside me. When there is danger nearby or I need to pay attention to something ravens and crows in nature will start acting strangely around me. This has happened many times and I always pay attention.

If I run into people and the animals show themselves it is usually to give me information me about the person. For example, I know to be wary if I see a weasel around someone. It tells me that the person is subtle and sneaky and will use others to meet their own needs all under the guise of being helpful and they watch people to learn their weaknesses. Now if the weasel is hissing ( do weasels actually hiss?) or aggressive that is quite different than if the weasel is all curled up and gentle. One makes me wary the other doesn’t. The soft gentle weasel is comfortable with their surroundings and they are great at seeing under the surface of things, they are also fiercely protective over the people they love. God this is difficult to write about. Still thinking I am a little crazy? It gets even more strange.

The animals give me information immediately that I normally would have discovered over time. They do not tell me your secrets! Even this ability is starting to change for me. Animals have always acted in strange ways around me. Horses that the owner swears are gentle will rise up, hooves pawing the air and head tossing wildly. My friend’s birds hide when I come near their cage. Cats usually avoid me and I love cats. Birds in nature swoop at my head all the time. I was attacked by a group of dogs when I was younger and have been terrified of strange dogs ever since. This fear is slowly starting to leave me and having dogs in my life has helped tremendously. I actually met some Great Danes yesterday and while the thought of it terrified me it wasn’t bad at all. They were like the gentle giants of the dog world and have such huge hearts. So while in the past they have reacted to me in some not so cuddly ways now it’s like they want to rub themselves all over me. They know I can understand them and this is the new thing, your pets are talking to me. I don’t actually hear voices it is more like feelings and just knowing. They don’t give away your secrets either! They love you and they do not judge you. Lately I have had a few animals show me things but I have to be very calm and comfortable around them and you in order for this to happen. Given my past I am not comfortable all that often around animals or people.

Why have I come out of the animal closet this morning? I am not sure. Maybe it has something to do with the restlessness of last night that has still not left me. Perhaps I just am tired of not being able to talk about it except with my closest friends. The animals in our lives and nature have much to teach us. Has your dog ever reacted strangely to someone? Pay attention to that, it can tell you a lot. Why did animals react so strongly to me in the past? I think it may have to do with the fact that I usually travel with a zoo of spirit animals and when I was uncomfortable so was the zoo. Perhaps your animals were reacting to me and the spirit animals discomfort. I may never know the answer. All I know is that this is changing and I am willing to explore it so I can no longer hide it.  I give thanks to all the animals both the real and the spirit ones for teaching me what it is like to be human. I give thanks for all the love they have shown me and the trust they have given to share their feelings with me. Okay animal kingdom bring it, I am now ready.

 

 

Walk gently

Hug lots

Donna

 

 

 

Wings and Things

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I was going to take the day off and then it got filled up with things to do. I am busier now that I am no longer working and wonder how I ever got anything done when I had a business and a full time job. I guess now my time is filled with things I want to do. Lunch with friends, long walks, phone calls with friends and family who don’t live close by and time to just breathe. Getting geared up to move and selling most of my material possessions is an interesting and some times strange experience. I have a difficult time putting a value on material items. I apparently do not have a talent for dickering, they ask what I would like for it and because of my previously mentioned difficulty I just ask what they would like to pay. If the offer is reasonable I’ll accept it. This throws people off and gives me much amusement when they feel the need to explain or justify their offer. I also like to just give things away! So as I go through each room there is a must pack, a must sell and a donate pile. I also have a cannot decide what to do with this pile. Make me an offer on that pile would you please . My house looks like a war zone.

There is something about decluttering and moving that brings a sense of freedom and clarity. A new home and some new furniture mixed in with the pieces I love. The hardest thing for me to pare down is the artwork. Each piece has strong emotional significance for me. Some pieces I have bought or inherited and then there are Howard’s sculptures. I have decided on two pieces of his, the raven that he made for me and a sculpture called the peaceful warrior. A picture of the warrior is at the top of the page and it is made out of chrome bumpers from antique cars that were no longer usable. Howard was into recycling in a grand way. Interestingly, whenever Howard did a warrior piece they were always female, I loved that about him. This piece is not small so I have no idea where it will fit but I cannot leave it behind. Perhaps it will live in my meditation room, I shall see.

Back to decluttering. What a huge job! It amazes me that a person who really isn’t materialistic can accumulate so much stuff. One thing is for certain I have a penchant for home made soap. Going through the bathroom cupboard revealed 21 bars of soap! I have enough soap to last me almost a whole year! Note to self do not buy anymore soap, toilet paper, laundry detergent, olive oil or coconut milk until I am out of them. Seven cans of coconut milk, really! I stop at the store without my list which is still sitting on the kitchen table ( I make lots of lists then forget to take them with me) and then I can’t remember what I have, so I buy more. You run out of anything call me! Except sugar or cow’s milk, I don’t have either in my house. I also own every kitchen gadget known to mankind. So if I haven’t used it in the last year out it goes. The only thing I do not own at the moment is a coffee grinder, it died a tragic and noisy death last month. So if anyone has bought me a gift in the last few years you may see it at my garage sale and please do not get upset. I am downsizing, it is not a reflection on you, your gift or our relationship.

The important things cannot be packed. The magnolia tree Howard bought me for our first Valentine’s Day together is now almost 20 feet tall, the lilac tree that I planted in memory of our child that was lost, the rock wall we built together on a sunny afternoon, these things cannot be packed. These remind me of the life and love we shared and can only be carried with me in my heart. The land, the house and the material things really don’t matter much in the long run. It was the life of the people and the animals that spent time in this place that I hold dear and I will carry them with me, they have shaped me and made me who I am today.

So I give thanks to the land, to Howard and all the animals that have shared my life, for allowing me to grow and flourish in a safe and supportive environment. I am grateful that I got to be part of it. Now it is time to spread my wings and leave the safety and comfort of this soft little nest and part of me is afraid that I will not be able to fly on my own. I know that letting go is a constantly recurring theme in life and if I hang on to old ways of thinking and being my wings will never develop enough to carry me. Today I will fly knowing that the universe will help me and guide me. The people I need in my life, the new lessons to be learned and the life I am destined for are already there waiting for me. I just have to go meet them with an open mind and wings strengthened by a wide open heart! So the next time someone asks me what my sign is I am going to say open!

Peace and love to all

Donna

 

 

Decisions Decisions

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

A number of people have told me lately that they think I am strong and brave. I thank them, because it is the polite thing to do, but I make a silent snorting noise in response. I don’t see it the way they do. I just deal with whatever life throws at me the best way I know how. I talk to people, cry, think, laugh, talk some more, listen, talk. Are you starting to see the trend? I talk a lot! I need information and you have to talk to other people to get it, but I also listen when they talk. Well, I don’t listen all the time. I try, but every once in a while I find myself thinking is this person for real? Are they actually saying these things and then I inject “oh really” into the conversation a few times. I am also sure that given some of the things I say to people they are doing the same thing to me!

Information is the key for me. I need lots of it to make a decision, then again, sometimes I make huge decisions without giving it much thought at all. I follow my gut! When I gather copious amounts of info it is because I am afraid to make a decision or a choice. I am at a point in my life where I need to decide where I want to live and what I want to do for the rest of my life. Big decisions right? I could go back to school and finish my degree, I could travel and see some of the world, the possibilities are endless. Holy cow that scares the hell out of me. I am frozen with fear because there are just so many choices. What if I make the wrong choice? What in the hell am I going to do? I change my mind so much people are starting to think I’m a little flaky. I just cannot make a decision.

That’s not entirely true, I decided to move before I sell my home because I felt trapped. One decision done. I feel good about that decision. Living in a suite will allow me to take off on a trip somewhere if I want since I won’t have a huge property to maintain. That choice gave me some freedom. I bought new furniture in the first store I went to instead of my usual routine of going to every store in town first. Sometimes I think that gathering too much information can confuse the issue and make it harder for me to make a decision. Aha moment!   I took a year off to give myself time to tidy up the ruins of the life I had and figure it all out. I am being impatient with myself because I have been brainwashed into thinking that I have to be productive. So I have decided that not making a decision on what I want to do in this next stage of my life counts as a decision. Now the laughter comes bubbling out of me. I have decided that I don’t have to decide right now. Wow, what a relief!

I am looking forward to having time off! I have worked every summer since I was fourteen and this will be the first time I can just do whatever the heck I want. I have made loose plans to do what I am calling a drive about. I am going to get in my car, board the ferry to get to the mainland and drive all over this beautiful province and see the sights. I also have a feeling that this is how I am going to decide where I want to live, just a gut feeling. Oh the people I will meet and the places I will explore! I am going to play for the rest of the year and when my new year starts on my birthday in October I will have a look at my life and make some decisions. So I don’t know about being brave or strong. I am just going to follow my gut instincts for the rest of the year and trust that I will know what to do. I have great faith that the universe will give me signs that point me in the right direction. I just have to pay attention to them.

Trust your gut

Love you all

Donna

Let’s Dance

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

For most of my life I have always felt that I did not fit in. Didn’t seem to fit with my own family, coworkers, or society. I tried to fit in, I really did. I did what they told me was right and good and tried to be part of them but something always felt off. It was like they were living in a slightly different world than I was and spoke a different dialect.   I wanted to be a part of it so badly that I sacrificed my own beliefs to try. One day, I do not know the date, I realized that I could no longer live that way if I wanted to live. I am now sure that I was not the only person who struggled with this. I’m sure of this because I have met others who felt the same way over and over again. We were struggling to be true to ourselves in a world that wanted conformity and we paid a price.

Some of us turned to drugs and alcohol to deaden the feelings we had inside. Some of us walked away from society and live far from other people, hermits I suppose. Some of us stood up and made a huge difference in the world. We were not thanked for it at the time. Look back over the history of our culture and these people will stand out like sore thumbs! You decide who they were, I am not going to tell you. Please do not judge us for trying to stop the pain, we did not know any other way to do it and felt we had no one to guide us, we felt we had no other choice. We are a passionate bunch and have created some beautiful art, music, movies, books and poetry in our attempt to reach out to you from our hearts. Our hearts pouring out of us in the hope that the pain would stop and someone somewhere would understand. Most of us have not stood out in the crowd but we are stepping out now!

I use the word dance a lot in reference to pain. Anyone can walk with pain but there are those of us who literally dance with it. We get down and dirty with it in a primal way and because of this have much to share with you. I have come to realize that I have been in pain both physical and emotional for most of my life. I did not talk to many people about it. I did not think they would understand. Now I realize that them understanding my pain was not the point. The point for me was I needed to understand it and sharing has helped me do that. This is the story of Donna, pain, fear, joy, celebration, love and hate, the whole enchilada!

I do not have a competitive bone in my body, jealousy doesn’t exist in my world. How do you think I fit in a corporate culture that has a cutthroat attitude? Not so well, so I left the corporate world and just took a job. I have been selling you things since I was sixteen years old and I was good at it but not in the traditional sense. I even used to go to chain stores and teach the employees how to sell based on the corporate cultures mandate of illusion and fear, that was my career. That is not how I sold things though. I sold by not selling! I gave you information about things so that you could make the best decision for you! I empowered you to purchase based on your own wants and needs and had some of the highest sales rates in the country. They could not figure out how I did it. I was honest with you and sometimes I would even send you away without selling you anything, not what the boss wants to see but they couldn’t argue with the sales statistics. I developed relationships not customers. As you can see, out there in the retail world this is starting to happen all over the place. Woohoo!

One thing that people are surprised to learn about me is that I was a classically trained violinist and started playing at the age of seven. I was fairly good and at the top of my class in music school. Then it got super competitive and I walked away. Not because I couldn’t cut it, the competitiveness ruined it for me. I had my first solo at a concert when I was twelve and no one in my family came to see it. I was heartbroken. I walked away from it all a few years later. It was the pain I couldn’t handle. I feel music! Even today I do not listen to music with my ears, I listen with my heart, so it doesn’t matter if it is being sung in a different language, I feel it. I still love the violin, it is the instrument that speaks to me and once in a while I will rosin up my bow and let all the pain flow through me and transform itself into the air as sweet music. Even pain can be beautiful.

I guess what I am trying to say is that the world is changing. There is a shift in consciousness happening all around us and I am excited. I am doing my happy dance! We are moving from being exclusive to inclusive, head thinkers to heart minded, small minded to open minded and oh my God we need that if we are going to thrive as a people. Don’t be surprised the next time you see a homeless person sit down to play a piano like a genius, or sing songs so sweetly your teeth ache. The only difference between you and them is they danced with the pain and have not found their way back to their chairs. They deserve love and compassion as much as you do. Feel the music, feel the pain, just feel. What I once looked at as a curse I now see as a blessing. I help people, I help them heal in many different ways and I can do this simply because I can feel the pain, my own, other people’s, I feel the world’s pain and I am ready to dance with it. So today I say to you, I don’t feel as though I no longer fit in, I was born to do this, I was born to be part of this new way of thinking and help people in whatever form that takes.  This new world that is forming is all about the heart and love. Are you ready to be part of the revolution that is taking place inside of us, are you already part of it? Good, let’s dance!

Thank you Carolyn for the inspiration

Love you all

Donna

The Dance of Grief

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Grief is a funny word. I think it should contain more letters and have a harsher sound to it. It sounds soft and uncomplicated doesn’t it?   It is not soft, that is for sure. Experts say it has five to seven stages to it depending upon where you get your information. Seven stages sounds complicated especially since you can go through them in order only to revisit one of those stages at any time. Grief is different for everyone! Just like life and the way humans respond and react to that, it is different for everyone. Remember that.

Dealing with loss is complicated and you can grieve for many different reasons. My grief is due to the loss of my husband and sometimes it sneaks up on me in the strangest situations. I think it’s odd when someone says I lost my husband. I did not lose him, I know exactly where he went and there were times I wished that I could have gone with him. It would have been so much easier if he had lived and I had died, well easier for me. I would have traded my life for his and offered that solution to the universe a few times. The universe had other plans for me.  I have had a few long chats with the universe and all the powers that be, I was not impressed.

Okay grief let’s dance. It was mind blowing how powerful the grieving was. It brought me to my knees, some days I didn’t get out of bed and a few times I just sat in this chair staring out the window not seeing or feeling anything. I had trouble concentrating, I couldn’t sleep, some days I couldn’t even get dressed. Please, oh please, oh please don’t ask me to make another decision. It doesn’t matter how many people you have around you, grief is there waiting for you. I just got this image in my mind of grief as a dust bunny ninja, lurking in corners and hiding under the bed, jumping out at you when you least expect it. Not only are you grieving the loss of the person, you are also having to let go of your dreams and the future you had planned. Your person ( mother, father, child, friend, husband) dies and your entire life is changed forever, dreams gone in the blink of an eye.

I am a practical person and can usually find solutions in any problematic situation. There is no solution for grief. It doesn’t stop and is constantly changing. One minute it is in your face and messing with your ability to breathe and the next it retreats back to its dark corner and waits. I can remember a day when I was out with friends and on the drive home I had realized I had not thought of my husband for a few hours, grief jumped into the seat beside me and I was assaulted by it. My heart screamed how could I have forgotten Howard for those few hours? My mind was on other things and I had some fun with the girls, then the minute I was alone the reality of the situation hit home. This was no ordinary lunch date because Howard was not going to be home when I got there.  Sometimes when I go to sleep I forget what has taken place and when I wake up in the morning it hits me all over again.  Some mornings I wake up and don’t think about it all.

Perhaps I am one of the lucky ones. Because I have always had the ability to go with the flow when grief struck I embraced it. I explored this aspect of the process and went where it led me. Grief also has the ability to transform you and like any transformation the process is not pretty or pain free. The amount of growth for me has been proportionate to how willing I was to experience all that grief had to offer. I have grieved without apology. Despite the fact that I am moving on with my life, I still have moments of overwhelming grief. I had one last night. Driving home, tears pouring down my face and singing at the top of my lungs in great gasps and sobs.  Thank the universe it was dark and no one could see me. I grieve in private and I grieve a lot in my car.

There is no end to this story, no tidy summation to leave you with. The loss is always there, you just learn how to go on with your life and live with the loss. You learn to live with it and if you let it grief can teach you much about living. So please have some patience with the people you know who are suffering a loss of any kind in their life. Just love them through the process and set aside your own expectations of how they should be handling it. Until you have danced with grief you don’t know if you will be dancing a fast and hard flamenco or a slow intimate waltz.  In my case it has been an awkwardly beautiful interpretive dance that changes speed and rhythm on a whim.

Hug people, all the people

Love you all

Donna