What Do You See

Do you spend much time watching people? I look at their faces when they talk, I watch them interact with others and see how little they touch others. People for the most part do not look relaxed, they look worried. I wonder what they worry about? I know I worry about the craziest things sometimes. It would be nice if people walked around with one of those little word clouds over their heads so we knew what was going on. Can you imagine a world where nothing was hidden inside us? I don’t know if that would make things better or worse. Honest for sure and I could appreciate that.

We have been trained to have light superficial interactions with others. We touch yet we don’t touch them, we see yet we don’t see them, there is a coldness, a sense of heartlessness to our interactions. We are distanced from others by our expectations, worries and materialistic competitiveness. Why can’t we just open our hearts and say what we want to, what we long to? Part of us is crying out to do just that but we silence it. Don’t take chances or risk looking foolish for goodness sake. Silence it for too long and you become mute of voice and heart. Sometimes I would like to say things to people but I stay silent. I have decided to change that.

How am I going to change that? Not quite sure at the moment but as per usual I will figure it out as I go. I guess one way of changing that is through this blog. I’m taking a risk and putting it all out there. You are faceless though which makes it much easier. When I am standing in front of someone, all vulnerable and worried, I clam up. It is rare for me to regret something I have said. Most of my regrets come from what is left unspoken, what I do not have the courage to say.

I touch people a lot. I hug people and I touch their arm or shoulder when we are talking. I also look at people’s faces when we talk and I also look at their eyes. I love faces! I will pick lint off their clothes, tell them their zipper is down or their shoe is untied and in some cases have offered them a tissue or breath mint. I notice all theses thing but sometimes am still not seeing the person. Look at their eyes and you can see the pain, humour, anger, deceit and love inside them. What I find really interesting is when I see them, truly see them, I see myself in their eyes.

So, my plan this year is to say the things that make me vulnerable. Let people know how much I appreciate them, love them, enjoy them and just let them know they matter and are more than enough just the way they are. Ooh it is going to be a little awkward at first but I have felt awkward most of my life in one way or another. Wish we had the thought bubbles! See people, touch people, love people, watch people and learn much about yourself

Spread some love today!

Donna

The Joy and the Anger

One of the most difficult years of my life has created some amazing changes in me. While my initial response to all of the adversity and loss that I faced was a soul numbing anger, things have taken a different turn in the last few months. There is a softness in me that did not exist before and a renewed and refined compassion and love for others has blossomed out of that. While I have faced challenges before in my life, this was the first time I looked nowhere but inside my own heart for solutions and answers. I did not look for an external solution.

Something I have discovered is that I have an ability to be in the moment with whatever is happening internally and externally. I am able to be present and look at what is going on and as a result have a better understanding of myself and others. One thing that happened when Howard passed away was extreme sadness and grief which greatly conflicted with my hopes and the feelings of freedom his death gave me. I believe that conflicting emotions are normal during the loss of the significant person in your life and we waste too much time feeling guilty about it. It is a horrible situation to be in, you are trying to let go of them, the life you shared, move on with your life and remember and miss them at the same time. It is a tall order, the letting go and holding on to their memory all at once.

Life is full of conflicting emotions, challenges, joy and miraculous moments. We choose how we respond to that! I allowed my anger to take over for a short period but could not sustain it for long, it was killing my soul. The anger did serve its purpose for that period of time and I am thankful that I experienced it. The anger taught me a lot and may have been the catalyst for the softening that happened. I have a softness for myself and my struggles and have started behaving in a more gentle manner towards others. I do not know, nor should I presume to know how others should be under any circumstance. We just need people to allow us the space to work through it in our own way. We all need that space to learn and grow.

Having the ability and desire to look objectively at yourself and your reactions to the world and circumstance is a priceless learning opportunity. You can allow theses things to harden you and I believe that the people who feel as though these things have happened to them will harden. Life is happening to them, they are not active participants in their own life, the surface of the why of things is barely scratched. When you take the time to look deeper with an attitude of discovery and wonder it is amazing to see the layers and depths of the pain and untruths. My anger was there to insulate me from the pain and fear. But in insulating myself from the grief, pain and fear, I also insulated myself from fully experiencing all the good, the joy, the hope and the wonder. It is a double edged sword, anger is, that closes your heart off so you don’t feel anything.

I sat in this living room the day I started this blog and had an awakening of sorts. I fell in love with my life and could see how all the emotions, both conflicting and complimentary, were connected. I will call this a spiritual awakening simply because I experienced my own soul breaking free from all of the constraints my mind and beliefs had placed upon it. I was free in a way I had never been, I was free to just be. No rules, no right and wrong, just me naked in my humanity. I have great hope for humanity and know that people just like me are having awakenings of their own in the most mundane of places. Our quiet strength is far more powerful than the anger and fear being spewed out of so many minds and angry hearts at the moment. Living with your heart wide open allows you to feel everything and that can be a scary place to live from. It is painful and my heart breaks on a daily basis but my heart with it’s wide open embrace also gets to experience all the joy and wonders of being human in this time and place.

Be gentle

Donna

Rhythm

Six in the morning, frogs are singing spring into existence and it is warm with rain falling softly to the earth. What a glorious day to be alive. Woke up this morning feeling grateful for all that I have experienced and the people I have met. Thinking about a trip just to get away and relax. I’m not sure if I can swing some time away in the sun at the moment but I have a brand new passport just begging to be used. We shall see what the next week brings and how much I can get done. Universe I need a vacation could you please help things fall into place for this to happen. Thanks in advance!

I do not like asking people for help and have had to do it a lot lately. I am used to being the one helping others. So I have a garage sale to organize, a house that is sold and needs to be cleaned out, my new place to set up and all I want to do is lay on the beach in Costa Rica. I guess I am going to need some help to swing it. I find lots of people offer to help but a number of them don’t usually come through in the end. My suggestion, don’t offer to help people if you are not willing or able to follow through. Don’t offer because it is the polite thing to do. Mean what you say and say what you mean!

I sit here in this half empty house with its bare walls and my mind and heart are flooded with memories. The laughter, the tears, the lives that have passed through here and all the dreams that came true and the ones that got destroyed. This house has been truly lived in. New people and events are creating some more memories as I let go of the place I have called home for for the last twelve years. It is more than just a house, it vibrates with the energy of the lives lived here and has a personality all its own. The enclosed overhang of the roof has been home to a bird family for the last three years and I never had the heart to close off the area where they built their nest and started their family. I can hear the babies squawking, as I sit in my chair, and the feet of the parents scuttling back and forth to feed their constantly hungry brood. I got to see the babies on their first flight and it was magical.

One late afternoon last summer I sat on a rock by the large front pond looking to see how many fish were visible. We put a few dozen gold fish in there every year but few survive the wildlife and circumstance. I saw three that were about two years old and then five little one year olds swam by and my heart filled with joy. I was so excited to see that five had survived the year. You know how you get that feeling on the back of your neck when someone is watching you. That happened to me and I turned around and got to witness a fawn slide to the ground as a doe gave birth. I sat there and watched as the mother cleaned it and the baby took it first shaky steps with some gentle nudging. It was a beautiful moment and tears were running down my face. Outside life was bursting forth and Howard was in the house fighting for his life and losing the battle. No matter what is going on in our lives the earth and all her inhabitants continue on, not knowing what you are experiencing or how much your heart aches. How can joy and despair live in my body and be experienced at the same time?

Like all things nothing is permanent, not your circumstances nor your emotions. Whatever you are feeling now is temporary and bad days only last one day. Don’t hold on to things, people, emotions or ways of being. Allow them all to flow in and out of your life like they naturally do. Hanging on to any of it only chokes the life out of you in the end and crushes the joyous moments in your tightly closed fist. There is a rhythm to life and yes even death. So dance and dance like you mean it.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

Random Thoughts

Slept in my new bed last night! Let me tell you, bamboo sheets are amazingly soft and silky! I own a lot of bamboo clothing but never really thought about sheets before. Lot’s of firsts for me this year! When I envisioned my life in my fifties it did not look like this: single, living on my own, selling my home and vehicles and getting ready to travel a bit. Oh yes let’s not forget the dating! Dating after all this time is more difficult and also easier in some ways.  I have a much better idea of who I am and what I want but the process is not quick nor is it easy.  There seems to be a growing number of people between the ages of 50 and 70 who are single and we are going to be the ones who rewrite what a relationship is defined as.  We are involved in a relationship revolution of sorts, the old ways of being and thinking are being tossed aside and new ways of doing things are forming.  Exciting times!

The last few weeks have been fairly busy and due to a lack of sleep and not eating properly, I have come down with a cold or the flu, not sure which yet. I wonder why we say have come down with something? It doesn’t really make sense, does it? I do not like colds! I particularly do not like the runny/ stuffy nose part of it. So I have gathered all my natural cold fighting ingredients and have got to work zapping this cold. I am armed with essential oils, teas, homeopathic remedies and food. I wonder i they make bamboo tissues? I will have to check it out.

Living in two houses is difficult. In fact, I spend most of my time right now driving from one to the other. Trying to remember what is in each house is a pain in the ass. I forgot my hair dryer and other tools at the other house last night. So now I either have to drive there with wet hair or wait to have my shower. Now I just remembered there is none of my favourite soap at that house. See what I mean, pain in the ass. I am not generally a super organized person and this requires some skill in that area. It will make my life interesting that is for sure.

Despite the fact that I am a little outspoken and don’t have a strong filter on my thoughts and mouth most times, I still have trouble communicating the important things. I have difficulty asking for help, discussing my feelings and emotions, stating my wants and needs and you get the picture. I am looking at this closely. I don’t give a hoot about what the general population thinks but I do care about the thoughts and feelings of those close to me. Funny how I clam up around the people whose opinion matters to me. I have more at stake with them I suppose.

I haven’t wanted to write for the last few days. I have a lot to process. Things are changing so fast I can barely keep up. I am looking forward to this next chapter of my life and trust the universe to provide me with whatever I need. The people and the experiences I require to grow further are already in place, I just need to let go and trust.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

Moon Dance

I have always been drawn to the moon. I spent a lot of time as a child gazing into the night sky and dreaming. I dreamt of times and lives past. Strange dreams for a young child. There is one particular woman that I have dreamt about many times over the years. I see her in different time periods, but she is always the same, always her. She is alone, searching or waiting for someone or something. Her hair is always long and she is strong of spirit and connected to nature in ways I don’t understand yet. It is almost as if she is part of everything and everything is part of her. She has a way with plants and animals, they speak to her and she listens. It is always dark when I dream of her. Sometimes she rides a horse through the woods, stands on a windswept cliff looking out over the ocean, walks along cobblestoned streets or tends her garden near a solitary thatched cottage in the moonlight. I have no idea why I dream of her. The dreams are comforting though and I feel as if I know her, like I know myself. I am not sure why she came to mind tonight, but then again I am never asleep when I dream of her. She just comes into my mind, a silent movie in my mind. So tonight I wrote a poem that I will share with you. Like it, don’t like it, it doesn’t really matter. The words want to be expressed and I am the just the writer.

 

mindless movement

cool grass under feet

legs bare, arms raised

hips sway gently

hesitantly softly

breath and heart

earth’s rhythm

quickens with the wind

leaves quiver, hair flies

faster, harsher

power and emotion

spill into darkness

from bone and blood

to roots and dirt

all are connected

indifferent moon above

witness to the dance

 

This is a slightly odd post, but as always I feel compelled to write. I don’t sit down with a plan. I was planning to do some artwork this evening and got out my sketchbook but no inspiration came. So I sat with a piece of paper and there was a poem. The poem came first, the topic was triggered by that. I thought everyone saw silent movies in their minds. Can’t believe I never thought to ask anyone about it. Then again I learned at a young age not to ask too many questions.  Once in a while what I see will manifest a few days or weeks after I see it. I have dreamt (while sleeping) of people and have met them a few weeks later. They usually end up being an important part of my journey on this earth. Other times, I will meet someone and there is a knowing. I know them somehow on some level that I do not fully comprehend and this is happening to me more frequently. With this knowing comes a love for them. This has nothing to do with a sexual love, just plain old unconditional love. There are also some people that I react very strongly to when I meet them, this can be on either a physical or emotional level and I am always wary of them. Once in a while this wariness is unfounded though most times it is not. Is this some type of internal warning system, my intuition perhaps? I do not have any answers. I see things and animals give me messages. Strange for you perhaps, but normal for me. I just share parts of my story so that others know that they are not alone.

Some of the seers, the healers, and the misunderstood isolated themselves and kept these things to themselves out of fear, fear of rejection, ridicule, heartache and persecution. They have tremendous hearts and are very sensitive to the world around them. They do not talk about these things with others. At this point, I will talk about anything even if it leaves me open and vulnerable to being rejected by others. Do not be so quick to judge those you don’t understand. You don’t even need to understand them or believe what they believe to treat them with kindness. People fear what they do not understand or things that challenge their belief systems. Unfortunately fear leads men and women to perpetrate horrible acts against others. Love is everything fear is not. Love heals while fear destroys. Be the love and show others kindness and compassion. The world and its people need all the healing they can get.

 

Much peace and love to all of you

Donna

The Spirals of Your Life

I was thinking about spirals today and how life seems to go in cycles like a spiral circling around and around. If you don’t learn the lesson the first time, wait for it, the universe will present it to you again in a slightly different manner. Isn’t that wonderful? What a nice universe. So pay attention or you get to repeat your relationships problems, family issues, money troubles and anything else you struggle with over and over again until you get the message and learn the lesson.

I was having a conversation with someone a few years ago and they were complaining about their relationships and wondering why women treated them this way. Two failed marriages (didn’t learn the lesson the first time) and they were trying to figure out what was wrong. Being the sympathetic type I asked him what was the only thing that those two relationships had in common. He didn’t know so I pointed it out, the only thing they had in common was him! It did not go well for a moment, then the light went on and he started laughing. I think that as long as we believe the problem originates with someone other than us, we will not learn the lesson and are destined to have the same issues repeatedly. We pick the same type of person or we keep doing the same thing and expect different results.

Granted, most of us seem to be drawn to a type, but why? What makes us gravitate towards a certain physical or personality type when we look for someone to have a relationship with. We place a lot of limits on the criteria for our choices. You pick the strong and silent type only to end up resenting them because they don’t talk to you. You picked them! You picked that person so you could continue playing out the drama and learn the lesson. Once you learn the lesson you have some choices. You can chose to stay in that relationship, hopefully you have both grown and can maintain that, or you can let go, cut your losses and stop torturing each other. Some relationships are built on a strong foundation and can withstand the pressures of individual growth, which can lead to mutual growth.  So they picked you and you picked them and you both had reasons for doing so.  It is so simple and yet so complicated at the same time.

Do you have a type? Do you pick the same person over and over again? Do you have the same issues in every relationship? You, yes you, are the key. It is not about them, it is about you, your choices and your willingness to learn and grow. I didn’t mean to pick on relationships specifically. This can be applied to any area of your life that causes you to struggle. Notice the cycles, the spirals of your life. Look at yourself and discover why you do the things you do. It’s uncomfortable and hard at first but once you can get honest with yourself there is no turning back. Once the knowledge is there you cannot unknow it. That knowledge brings with it a responsibility to act upon it and do things differently. A wise friend of mine often reminds me that there are no mistakes, just opportunities for learning and growth.

No mistakes

Love to you all

Donna

 

Friends with Benefits

I was so overwhelmed by loneliness yesterday it was, well, overwhelming. I don’t think I have ever felt this lonely in my life! I tried just sitting with it and exploring it and made it to 9pm and then reached out to a friend. We talked about a number of things but I didn’t mention the lonely part. Why wasn’t I willing to just say I was lonely? Perhaps I didn’t want to appear needy? I need people and the connections with others and am tired of doing most things alone. One of the things I have discovered on this twisted path of learning is, there is a huge difference between being alone and being lonely. So what is the difference? One is focused inward and one is focused outward. Much of our lives are focused outward and we are disconnected from ourselves. Now that is lonely!

Some people would give anything for sometime by themselves. When they get it what do they do with it? I don’t know, even when I am in a relationship I spend a lot of time by myself. I read, create things, talk to friends, listen to music, go for a walk and putter. I like to putter, it helps me think. No one likes people who are self-centred right? I think we need to be centred in ourselves, subtle difference but huge at the same time. Instead we are constantly distracted by things, always entertaining ourselves and looking for answers out there. We know the answers already, we just need to be self-centred in order to see them. So instead of viewing the term self-centred in the negative sense of a person who shows no concern for others and is only interested in their own wants and needs, let’s redefine it as someone who is centred in themselves. We can use self-absorbed for the negative aspect.

So you don’t want to be self-absorbed but you do want to be self-centred! If you are centred, some would say grounded, it means you are aware of yourself and the world around you. You can see the interactions for what they are. You are not trying to constantly distract yourself from yourself. Back to last night, what is it I did not want to look at internally that had me reaching outside of myself and had me feeling terribly lonely. I want to matter! I want to matter to someone else! I don’t want to be an afterthought for them. I want to be a priority in their lives. First, I have to be in that relationship with myself. I need to matter and be a priority in my own life! So in order to have that I need to be present and if I am constantly looking for distractions that cannot happen.

Our society is a sad sad world of distractions and disconnections. We spend so much time looking outwards and expecting others to meet our needs it is no wonder there are so many divorces and unhappy relationships. They cannot fix you or any other part of your life! Only you can fix you and your life by doing the work and being centred in self. You are not going to find the relationship you want until you are able to have that relationship with yourself. So stop looking outside yourself for the answers. The next significant person in your life is not the answer to your problems and it is extremely unfair to expect that of them. So before you enter into any relationship ask yourself why. Why do I want to be with them? What am I expecting them to provide me with that I can’t provide for myself?

My ideal relationship, which I have touched on before, still gives me lots of time to be by myself. I am not looking for someone to be the solution to my troubles. I don’t need someone to be my other half, I am already whole. I want someone that I can talk to, travel with, be intimate with, laugh with and grow together and separately with. Basically I want a friend with benefits who doesn’t “need” me in their life but “wants”me in their life and challenges me to be a better person. I also want to challenge them to be all that they can be, I don’t need or want to change them, they are already whole.
Don’t forget to hug

Love to you all

Donna

Shitty Days and Smiles

Had one of those days yesterday! I hurt my finger again, yes the broken one, lost my glasses, forgot my passport paperwork somewhere and had to go back to get it, stopped at a store and the clerk thought I was really funny and tried to set me up on a date with one of her regular customers that happened to be there at the same time, and I left the window of my car open in the pouring rain. This all happened before noon, shit shit shit. Now I just noticed a hole in my favourite socks, damn. My goodness I have to laugh at myself. Of course my dear friends on Facebook, well some of them, made jibes and poked fun at me. Thanks! Most days I feel like a walking disaster then there are days that make it so. So I have to stop saying I am clumsy and forgetful and making it true. I have the grace of a swan, a weird black swan, and the memory of an elephant, I am sharp!! Add all that to the social skills of a barn cat and what do you get? A fifty three year old with an attitude and strange dancing skills. Good thing I am small, cute and lovable!

Okay, I guess I will have to explain the slightly soiled chair thing. Why does everyone think I soiled myself? My chair is slightly off white and I had a border collie that liked to roll around in the dirt outside then come in the house and rub herself along the sides and back of my chair. Her name was Terra and we had a love/tolerate relationship. She passed away and is buried on the property and I can see her grave from my chair if I sit up properly. I miss her and have not wanted to clean the chair, silly huh. I have cleaned the chair before and have owned this chair for seven years. I just cannot bring myself to clean it at this time. I miss having dog love in my life and have just signed a one year lease for a suite that has an absolutely no pet policy. I did this for a reason. I want to live pet free for a little while. I still have about 12 koi fish that each weigh over 10 pounds but they just ignore me and they can ignore the new people who look after this land.

Have I told you how much I love people? I love people all the crazy wonderful weird people. I talk to people everywhere I go. Complete strangers will come up to me in coffee shops, the grocery store, well anywhere really and I will say hello and the adventure begins. I get to hear their stories, they just start spilling their stories. This has happened even more lately and I have realized it most likely has something to do with the fact that I smile at them. I smile a lot! I also smile with my eyes so it must make me seem approachable. I’m not sure why it happens but I like it! I can almost guarantee you that if I am not smiling for a moment someone will tell me to smile. I must have a very serious face, I call it my resting bitch face, when I am not smiling. It used to annoy me when people asked me to smile, now I just tell them I was resting my face for a moment, then I smile at them.  I love people and it shows!

I pick up the keys to my new living quarters today. Since my house has not even gone on the market yet, I will essentially have two homes for a little while. So I will split my time between the new and old homes. It is almost as if the universe is slowly easing me into my new life. I was standing on the front porch with a friend on the weekend having a coffee and talking and they said you are going to miss this place. I had tried to convince myself that I wouldn’t but he was right. I am going to miss the trees that have grown over ten feet since I first moved here. I am going to miss the brilliant night sky out here in the woods, the silence, the birds, the deer, the rabbits, the owls, and especially the frogs when they sing spring into existence. I lay in my bed at night with the windows open and fall asleep to hundreds of frogs singing, a frog symphony of sound. I am going to miss living here but like everything else nothing is permanent and it is time for me to let go and move on

I question the universe and its wisdom sometimes. This usually happens when things are not going according to Donna. Why did Howard have to die so young with all his plans and dreams left unfinished, while the girl unable to make plans lives? I don’t think I will ever know the answer to that one. The plans for my future change on a daily basis. I think of something and roll it around in my heart for a while to see how it feels, nothing feels right. So my plan is to not make any concrete plans for a while, at least until my year off is up. I wonder what adventures the universe has in store for me? I do know that I have met some wonderful people now that I am not spending so much time working. The people are the important part of this journey. The people feel wonderful in my heart! The connections with others, the hugs, the love, and all the interesting and sometimes colourful stories they share. I am going to miss Sooke and my little plot of land here. I can always come back for a visit and wander into The Stick ( my favourite coffee shop) to see who is around, or visit the shops and talk to friends. Once you leave you can never really go back, things will never be the same again and I look forward to my new adventures and the people I will meet.

I am off to the passport office this morning! I will smile at the people standing in line with me and no doubt strike up a conversation or two. I challenge you to look at people and smile the next time you have to stand in line somewhere, look them in the eyes if they will let you and say hello. Don’t judge them just open yourself up to whatever they have to offer!  You never know who you are going to meet and your smile just might make someone’s day! Spread the love.

 

Hug everyone and trees

Hug lots and lots of trees

Please don’t kill spiders

Donna

 

Relationships

What would you do if life walked up to you and said here is a clean slate create a new life, you have one year, go! I certainly don’t know. Would you say woohoo and go driving happily down the road? Well for me I have to tidy up my old life first. Now while that tidying up happens I start creating my new life. The problem is I have no clear picture of what I want the new life to look like. I know it contains a few material things, my red claw footed table, a Buddha painting and some other artwork, a new bed, charcoal grey sofa and assorted other things that I love. I know it also includes a wonderful group of people that I love and cherish. I am hoping it will contain a wonderful man who thinks I am adorable and all that. The rest is still blank. So far the only decisions I have made are: putting my house up for sale and moving, having a garage sale, I have taken a year off of work, and I refuse to be anything but me regardless of what other people want. Doesn’t seem like I have created much of a life yet does it?

Considering all I have had to let go of, I think I am making great progress. I have examined every belief I have had about myself, the world and others, to try and discover how I truly feel about all of it. One of the things I discovered is that I have always given up a huge chunk of my life for my relationships and am no longer willing to do that. I would support and participate in the things that interested them but they would not do the same for me. Now, no one forced me to behave this way, I volunteered. What the hell was I thinking? Why was I willing to give up so much to be in a relationship? I didn’t think I was worthy, or interesting, or lovable and made apologies for being me. I gave up me to be with them. Society has painted a picture of what relationships and family looks like and we blindly follow it. I always knew I was different than the norm and just wanted to fit in somewhere. I have never felt like I fit in, even in my own family. Now I do not want to fit in anywhere. I just want to be me without feeling like I constantly need to apologize for that. So how do I do that?

Spending lots of time alone gives me time to think and try things out. I have said since I was 19 that my idea of the perfect relationship was me in my house, them in their house and we spent time together when we felt like it. I should have stuck with that. I don’t think I am the marrying type. I don’t want to spend every day and every night with someone and when you live together that is unavoidable. Even living in the same house with separate living quarters would work. Or same property separate houses would work as well. I realize that this is not ideal for everyone, but I am meeting more and more people who think this way. It sure makes sense to me. I think this type of relationship could work if that was what both people wanted and I have seen it work. I have friends that have been married for over 30 years and live next door to each other. They love each other dearly but do not want to live together in the same house. They tried living together and it was a disaster that almost ended in divorce and building a second house on the property was their solution. They are happy, their children get to spend time with both parents and the pets wander from one house to the next. Works great for them so it could work for others. We just need to get past the idea of the traditional relationship that society has thrust upon us.

Relationships, in my opinion, are about respect, passion, communication, affection, trust, honesty, unconditional love and supporting the other person to be themselves in all their glory. What I forgot in my previous attempts was to ask for and allow myself those same things. I would offer those things to the wonderful man in my life but forgot that I deserved to be treated in the same way, not just by them but myself. I did not ask that of them. Now I am asking for what I want and need to be in a healthy balanced relationship and am no longer apologizing. Wow, now there is no pressure to fit in. No desire to be anything but me. I can offer myself fully and completely without losing myself once again in someone else’s idea of what a relationship is. Now, I can have some fun!!

Relationships should be fun. If your friends were no fun you would find new friends, take your toys and go somewhere else! You decide what the game rules are and as long as both parties are on the same page you should have a wonderful time. But, don’t play games, no one likes a player!  This is not to say the relationship won’t have any problems. You are dealing with two people and their egos, accumulated baggage perhaps, and all the ups and downs of any relationship in general. So while I am supporting the other person and encouraging them to follow their dreams, I have to remember that I deserve the same from them and myself. Guess you have to have the ideal relationship with yourself before you can share the love with someone else.

Have a wonderful Monday. I am off to have passport pictures taken and pack more things for my move. Love and peace to you all.

Hug everyone!

Hug them like you mean it!

Donna

Mental What?

When I was twenty three I got married and moved from the only home I had ever known on the east coast all the way across the country to Vancouver Island. I also suffered my first panic attack shortly after that. I thought I had a heart attack and was rushed by ambulance to the hospital where they declared me physically fine, said it was just a panic attack and sent me home. I had no idea at that time that anxiety and the associated panic attacks were going to lead me on a painful and wonderful journey of discovery.  At one point in my late twenties these attacks were so bad that I could not leave the house on my own. My own territory, my home, was a safe place where I could control the environment and who entered it.  Just going across the parking lot to get lunch at work was a walk of extreme discomfort. At work I was fine, at home I was fine, or was I? I had trouble breathing, got frequent chest pains, headaches, suffered from severe stomach issues and the list goes on. Living in a constant state of fear is hard on you physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. Living in a constant state of anxiety is like being slowly buried alive and not being able to do anything about it, you are frozen with fear.

I did not get my drivers liscence until I was in my thirties and still deal with panic attacks when I have to drive somewhere that I am not familiar with, though the severity of them has lessened over time. I have to tell you that I have driven across most of Canada now, woohoo!  I would like to be able to tell you that there was one magic thing that fixed it all but there was not. It was a whole bunch of little things learned and ways of being that were incorporated into my life in small increments that helped. I also had help from professionals and non professionals. I also encourage anyone with any type of problem to reach out for help. Apparently some would consider this to be a form of mental illness, though I do not label myself in that way. From what I have seen over the years everyone suffers from some form of mental illness even if it is just an grossly overblown sense of self importance.  Just take a look at the Trump disaster that is going on with our neighbours to the south. Do you think he is displaying any level of sane thought or action, or the country as a whole is thinking with their right mind?  We are seeing only a small part of the picture. The anxiety and panic attacks are only a small part of you, though they can take over your life. I think as a society we are too caught up in labels. Every one has felt fear, anxiety and panic at some point in their lives. For some of us the dance with them lasts longer and for others the dance only ends with their death. Please reach out to people and keep reaching out until you find someone that you can relate to. I have worked extremely hard to get to the point I am at today, so I understand the struggles people face. Their struggles might not be exactly the same, but if we focus on the differences there will never be any understanding of the other.  I won’t lie it will not be easy.  Nothing worth having ever is.  You are worth it so fight, dig, cry, scream, but do the work.  You. Are. Worth. It.

I did not expect to write this post and quite frankly I am not all that comfortable doing it, but once again the universe compels me to speak. Okay universe I will go with this, but know I am not happy about it. This makes me vulnerable and I know based on previous experiences that I will be judged by some people and loved by others for my honesty and candor. I have no control over how others will react to this. I want you to know that most of these panic attacks and severe anxiety episodes have taken place in private. I still have them happen in public and this is when I say slightly inappropriate things or my behaviour seems a bit off. I laughed so hard at a funeral that I had to get up and leave, people thought I was sobbing in grief and I was almost peeing my pants with laughter! Yup, I’m a giggle at a funeral. Sometimes I look away from you when I am speaking to collect myself and so you do not see the pain or anxiety. Most of you don’t notice. People who know me socially, may be surprised by this post. Those who know me on an intimate level have seen me struggle, overcome, struggle again and grow and grow and glow.  Little typo there but I’m going to keep the glow, I like it.  It fits.

What do you think when you hear the words mental illness? It sends shivers up my spine let me tell ya. I want nothing to do with that. I had a friend who was a psychologist and I had a chat with him one day. I told him that I thought I might be crazy and gave him a few examples of why I thought this.  He told me nope you are just human and the secret is that the really crazy ones would never even question their sanity, they are the serial killers, the Hitler’s of the world and the ones with no thought of anyone or anything but themselves. God, I loved that man and miss him still. Thanks John for helping me realize my humanity was showing and heal myself.   I loved his down to earth perspective on life and am grateful for the short time I got to spend with him.

So our societal and medical systems love labels but labels don’t take into account that we are so much more than just that and capable of so much more than we ever thought possible.  I think that what I am supposed to remind you of today is that you are so much more. You are so much more than your fears, insecurities, doubts and struggles. You are also enough, more than enough and much more lovable than you believe. Your ability to heal is also far greater than you have been led to believe. You are uncomfortable and fearful for a reason. Get help and discover the reason. There is always an underlying reason. Do not be afraid of uncovering what lies underneath.  I know it is extremely difficult and I would hold your hand through it if I could. The truth of it all will set you free from the prison that anxiety has you caged in. Today I will leave you with a poem that I wrote a few years ago about a crystal called sodalite. I had to get out of bed in the middle of the night to write the poem down so I could go back to sleep. The stone wanted to speak. This dark blue stone is related to your voice, throat chakra and speaking your truth. My wish for each of you is that you are always provided with the help you need and you live your truth with love and compassion. I also hope you find your voice and use it to help others.  Much love to all of you.

 

Cold, blue, stone of truth

Release the bonds of silence

That fear has wrapped

Around my soul

The truth inside me is released

With quiet strength

I find my voice

In the middle of my thoughts and feelings

My hearts sings with freedom

Arms raised to the night

I dance with my tears

Under a cold, blue, sky

Reach out and hug someone

Judge none

Donna