Tag: permanence

Electrical Tape and Shrink Wrap

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I am back!  It is just after five in the morning and I have my sunny yellow mug filled with steaming coffee and though my slightly soiled chair is in the room I now sit on my brand new sofa instead.  The need to write has resurfaced in a new way, perhaps because of my new perspective from the sofa.  I am looking around this yet unfamiliar room and seeing the old blended with the new.  That is also who I am, the old Donna intertwined with the new Donna.  A wonderful synthesis of all I was and all I can be.  Transformation can be beautiful and difficult at the same time.

I am driving back to Sooke this morning to visit the post office, drop off some things to a friend and plan on visiting my favourite coffee shop to see who is around.  I am also going to buy a piece of art that spoke to my soul and am keeping my fingers crossed that it is still hanging on the shop wall.  If it is not, it wasn’t meant to be mine.  If I am going to make a frivolous purchase that is over a hundred dollars I usually walk away from it for a few days.  I want to explore my feelings about it and know why I am buying it.  This piece of art is a local Native American thunderbird mask that gave me goosebumps.  It is a symbol of many things and the thunderbird holds special meaning for me.  The mask itself reminds me of the masks we all wear in our daily life and how important it is for me to walk this earth unmasked.  This is what the universe is asking of me.  Well the universe is demanding it really and every time I try to hide it thrusts me naked into the world and makes me deal with it.  Sometimes the universe has a funny sense of humour!

I like the fact that the universe and its strange sense of humour keeps me humble and on my toes.  It challenges me in the same way that the people I care about challenge me to be a better person.  The universe encourages me to grow and stretch the limits my own mind imposes on me.  My mind can sometimes be a dark and lonely place, but when I use it in combination with my heart and all the love it holds there are no limits to what can be.  There are no limits.  Unless you live in a constant state of fear, then there are limits.  This is what I think about fear, because I do have moments of sometimes overwhelming fear, what is the worst thing that could happen?  So, I visualize the worst thing that could happen and then think oh what the hell!

My entire life for the last year has been about overcoming fear, loss and doubt.  I think I am handling it really well, but I am not going to get cocky about it cause then the universe will send something my way to remind me that I am not all that.  I have done things in the last six months that I would have never thought of doing before.  I have started this blog, I have deep conversations with complete strangers, and I have reached out to other people in ways I never thought I would even though I am shy.  There is a contradiction for you, I am extremely outspoken and extremely shy.I have no idea where my life is headed or what my next great adventure will be.  Somedays I am okay with that and other days the uncertainty drives me crazy. Oh Hell, I drive me crazy!

I have met a young woman recently, who I absolutely adore.  She is brave, funny, strong, and has a huge heart.  I admire the fact that she is who she is without apology.  I also admire the gentle spirit she has when dealing with other people.  She has taught me much and I am sure will continue to do so.  So in the spirit of our blossoming friendship I will leave you with the following thought today.  Having trouble with something in your life?  Just visualize yourself using electrical tape and shrink wrap on it until it is small enough to handle.  Yup,  electrical tape and shrink wrap will help you fix anything!

Much love to all of you
Donna

Guardians of Stone and Trees

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

I am sitting here on the sofa and it is quiet this morning, my slightly soiled chair is at the new house. My yellow mug is filled with steaming coffee and the rooster next door is not awake yet. Oh let me correct that, he just woke up and has started broadcasting his manliness to the other roosters in the neighbourhood. Once he starts the rest of them get going, he seems to be the ringleader though. I hear him but I rarely see him. He’s like a sneaky little ninja rooster!

My magnolia tree in the back yard has bloomed and I was hoping it would before I move permanently in two weeks. I was given the tree as a gift on Valentines day twelve years ago and it is now over 14 feet high and overflowing with beautiful white blossoms. I am amazed it is even alive because the neighbour’s goats ate it down to a small nub when it was still in the pot. I do not like goats. Interesting tree, it has no leaves when it blooms, the leaves come later and it is still beautiful after the flowers are gone. Most of the trees planted around the koi pond were gifts. There is a twisted baby black locust tree that has leaves that hang like little ringlets, a waterfall maple that turns a brilliant red in the fall, a fig tree, an assortment of replanted trees that were used in the house for Christmas trees and a gorgeous rhododendron that was transplanted here and has blessed us with huge red flowers every June.

It is not the house I am going to miss but the land and the trees. I am surrounded by tall pine trees, cedars, alders and other trees I am unable to identify.   I feel safe and secure here surrounded by these green sentinels. I have lived in a nurturing green cocoon for years, but now it’s time for me to leave and it is much harder than I thought it would be. I don’t know if I will come back to visit, it would be like stepping back into the past where there are only echoes of the time I lived here. Things change, people move on and new people and things take their place. I hope the new family is happy and that they thrive here. This land is special and has a way of becoming part of your blood and bones.

My new place has no back yard. All I can see out of my windows is this massive rock that has little niches that are just begging for some potted plants, steps carved into it that essentially go nowhere, moss strategically growing in the best spots and my raven sculpture sits on it greeting anyone who walks the path to my door. I love rocks, so it is a wonderful view in my opinion. I feel safe and protected there with this huge guardian of stone keeping watch. It is the perfect place for me to be for the next year. Ooh I have to remember to take my stone gargoyle and find him a spot on the rock!

I have had lots of help with the move and things are clearing out quickly. I cannot believe how empty this place feels. It almost feels as though with everything that has left the property a little of the spirit of the place has left too. More and more of the things that were part of Howard have been sold or given away and every time something leaves it is like he is slowly letting go of this place as well. We both had a lot of letting go to do. The hardest thing for me was to see Howard’s mountain gorilla sculpture leave. I know it is going to a great home where it will be loved, but he has guarded the gate for a long time and the yard feels bare without him. There is also a huge rock in the front yard that looks like the head of a gorilla and the picture for today’s post is a shot of it. The one below is a picture of Howard and his Mountain Guardian sculpture that I took before he got sick. It was rare to see Howard smile in a picture so I really like this shot.

Mountain Gorilla

Well, I hope you all have a wonderful day and that you are able to let go of the things, people and places you need to with grace and love. Much love and big squishy hugs to you all.

 

Please don’t kill spiders

Be kind to everyone

Donna

 

 

Let Go, Then Let Go Again

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

You would think that once you let go of something, that would be it.  Wrong, it doesn’t work that way.  First you make the decision to let go, then the whole letting go process starts, finally there is the letting go.  That is not the end either cause you bump up against beliefs and emotions and you must let go on different levels at different times.  I have heard it said it is the journey not the destination that is important.  Okay I am ready for this part of the journey to be over, the constant letting go of everything that keeps going on a daily and sometimes hourly basis.  Breathe in, breathe out and let it go.

I think that I must be fighting against the letting go to some extent.  It seems as if the letting go will erase the memories of the past.  Is it possible to let go and remember at the same time without a struggle?  Well, I guess I am going to find out.  Today the prospective owners of my home were here with the building inspector going over the house.  I found it very difficult and had to leave.  I don’t normally get attached to things but letting go of this home and the land is much harder than I thought it would be.

It is the memories, while I am here the memories stay fresh, there are visual and physical representations of my life here.  The rock wall that goes up the side of the driveway that I built with Howard. Playing ball with the dogs and causing the dent in the siding with the tennis ball.  The trees and bamboo that we planted and the hours spent working on the land and buildings.  I see it everyday and I remember. Perhaps I am afraid I will forget when I can no longer see them.  Perhaps I am afraid to make new memories somewhere else with someone else.

Breathe in, breathe out and let it go.  The letting go is not only difficult it is also a beautiful process as well.  It allows room for new things and people to enter your life.  I have had some wonderful new experiences lately and have had a chance to refine my barn cat social skills.  I have come to realize that the letting go never ends and the difficulties experienced are related to my resistance to go with the flow of the universe. People, emotions, things are never permanent, there are no guarantees.  Once I accept the impermanence inherent in this world the letting go becomes a natural process that does not need to be directed or judged.  I can let go of the letting go.

Love yourself, be kind to yourself

Big squishy hugs

Donna

 

Rhythm

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Six in the morning, frogs are singing spring into existence and it is warm with rain falling softly to the earth. What a glorious day to be alive. Woke up this morning feeling grateful for all that I have experienced and the people I have met. Thinking about a trip just to get away and relax. I’m not sure if I can swing some time away in the sun at the moment but I have a brand new passport just begging to be used. We shall see what the next week brings and how much I can get done. Universe I need a vacation could you please help things fall into place for this to happen. Thanks in advance!

I do not like asking people for help and have had to do it a lot lately. I am used to being the one helping others. So I have a garage sale to organize, a house that is sold and needs to be cleaned out, my new place to set up and all I want to do is lay on the beach in Costa Rica. I guess I am going to need some help to swing it. I find lots of people offer to help but a number of them don’t usually come through in the end. My suggestion, don’t offer to help people if you are not willing or able to follow through. Don’t offer because it is the polite thing to do. Mean what you say and say what you mean!

I sit here in this half empty house with its bare walls and my mind and heart are flooded with memories. The laughter, the tears, the lives that have passed through here and all the dreams that came true and the ones that got destroyed. This house has been truly lived in. New people and events are creating some more memories as I let go of the place I have called home for for the last twelve years. It is more than just a house, it vibrates with the energy of the lives lived here and has a personality all its own. The enclosed overhang of the roof has been home to a bird family for the last three years and I never had the heart to close off the area where they built their nest and started their family. I can hear the babies squawking, as I sit in my chair, and the feet of the parents scuttling back and forth to feed their constantly hungry brood. I got to see the babies on their first flight and it was magical.

One late afternoon last summer I sat on a rock by the large front pond looking to see how many fish were visible. We put a few dozen gold fish in there every year but few survive the wildlife and circumstance. I saw three that were about two years old and then five little one year olds swam by and my heart filled with joy. I was so excited to see that five had survived the year. You know how you get that feeling on the back of your neck when someone is watching you. That happened to me and I turned around and got to witness a fawn slide to the ground as a doe gave birth. I sat there and watched as the mother cleaned it and the baby took it first shaky steps with some gentle nudging. It was a beautiful moment and tears were running down my face. Outside life was bursting forth and Howard was in the house fighting for his life and losing the battle. No matter what is going on in our lives the earth and all her inhabitants continue on, not knowing what you are experiencing or how much your heart aches. How can joy and despair live in my body and be experienced at the same time?

Like all things nothing is permanent, not your circumstances nor your emotions. Whatever you are feeling now is temporary and bad days only last one day. Don’t hold on to things, people, emotions or ways of being. Allow them all to flow in and out of your life like they naturally do. Hanging on to any of it only chokes the life out of you in the end and crushes the joyous moments in your tightly closed fist. There is a rhythm to life and yes even death. So dance and dance like you mean it.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

The Universe Speaks

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Yes! I managed to get six hours of solid sleep last night! Woke up thinking about starting a walking group in the new area I am moving to and I hear very clearly in my left ear someone say sisters. In some cultures the left side of your body is considered the female or yin aspect. So it would make sense the word sisters is said in my left ear. Okay universe I am listening but what the heck does this mean? I believe that we are constantly being given guidance and we just have to pay attention. One word doesn’t necessarily give me a view of the whole picture, but I will pay attention over the next few days and see what else falls into place.

When I sit down to write in the morning I rarely have any idea what I am going to write about. I am a fly by the seat of your pants kind of person so this is okay with me. So off I go willy nilly through my life and just stumble into people and situations never worrying about the small details of things. Just like I started this blog, I just started it, no planning, no idea what I was going to write about. I felt compelled to do this and the words just started flowing. Who cares about grammar and sentence structure, communication and giving myself a voice are the key points. If the universe gives me too much time to think about things I cannot make a move. I get frozen with the options, choices and decisions and just spin in circles never moving forward. The universe is much wiser than I am so I constantly get thrown into things that I wouldn’t usually think are good ideas then a little while later realize they were exactly what I needed at that time. By the way, because I do not follow any one religious or spiritual path, I use the term universe where some would say God, Allah, Jehova etc. This is not me being anti religious it is just my belief system and method for making sense of the world. You have your way, I have my way. Isn’t that wonderful?

So I have told you about my relationship with animals and how they give me info. So the kangaroo sent me a message about moving forward not backward. Last night there were two animals that stood out for me, one was a baboon who shook his red butt at me and a very quiet hyena. At this point I do not have a clear idea what either of those animals were trying to say. I do know that baboons are communicators and hyenas in some cases represent choice of words as in choose your words wisely. Hyenas know when to shut up! The other animal that showed up was a beautiful palomino horse and horses have been popping into my mind a lot lately so I paid attention. Horses for the most part represent power and freedom and this one just popped into view again nodding his head. So this is the way my mind works and yes I realize that to some I will sound crazy, but I no longer care about that.

Kangaroo– moving forward

Baboon– communication. ( was the butt wiggle saying don’t talk through your ass lol)

Hyena– kind words, choose words wisely

Horse–power and freedom

What I get from this –to keep moving forward on this path, the act of communication is very important but to choose my words wisely. There is power in this for me if it is used properly and I will experience a kind of freedom because of it. One more animal that has shown up is a Pegasus and his message last night was more voice, more voice but refine it. So folks there you have it.

They speak and I listen. I was wondering if I should continue with the blog. What am I doing this for? Well the universe got me to start this blog and will continue to guide me. The people who need to read what I have written will find it and the people who don’t need it will not read it. The only way I can refine my writing is to practice, practice, practice.  Simple right? Nothing is ever simple despite how it looks on the surface. I have been given an opportunity to say what I need to say and in a sense this has provided great growth for me and has helped me sort through my feelings around the changes that have taken place in my life. The future is always uncertain. Regardless of your dreams or plans, things are going to happen so don’t be too attached to the outcome. Just sit back and enjoy the wonderful ride the universe will take you on if you let it.

Peace and love to all

Don’t forget to be grateful!

Donna

Loneliness and Silence

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

How do I follow an extremely brutal post about bullshit? Do I make this one all soft and fluffy? Sorry, I just don’t have it in me. I am feeling very lonely tonight. So rather than distract myself I decided to sit with it and explore the feeling. I don’t mind spending time by myself in fact I need it on a regular basis. I don’t get bored very often and can usually find something to do if I am. I spend a lot of time walking by myself and enjoy that. Some days I would just like to start walking and not stop until I reach the other end of the island. Walking is a meditation of sorts for me. I have trouble sitting still for more than a few minutes. Honestly right now I have trouble focusing on anything for more than a few minutes. Walking represents forward motion and I feel stuck so that could explain the appeal of walking. I tried jogging and I hate it with a passion. I am not running unless something scary is chasing me!

I move to my new suite in two weeks and am excited about that. In the meantime it feels as though my life is on hold, I am stuck in the space between my old life and my new one. It is almost as though my life won’t start moving forward again until I am sleeping in my new bed with white bamboo sheets and new pillows. Everything in the bedroom will be new except for the artwork and my lamps that I finally found after a month long search. I always go shopping with a clear idea of what I want, finding it can be the tricky part.

I want to share my life with someone, but is that even possible at this stage? My life is in a state of flux and how do you incorporate someone into that when you don’t know what you are going to be doing. I may have started dating a little sooner than my life permitted. I am ready but my life situation is preventing me from moving forward at the pace I would like to. I realize that this has not been fair to the people I have met.  The universe guides me, I just have to pay attention.

I am not lonely when I wake up in the morning. For example, yesterday morning I was fine. I had plans to go out with my sister and do a few things. We went to the Intuitive Wellness Fair and I got to see a lot of friends, hug people, laugh and buy the tuning fork set I have had my eye on for a few months, locally grown sage for smudging and a new book written by a man who had beautiful eyes and a bright shiny soul. Great more things to pack! My sister and I ran some errands and went to lunch where I shamelessly flirted with the gentleman sitting at the next table. My sister and I share a similar sense of humour so we talked and laughed so hard we both had tears rolling down our faces. Then I went home.

That is when the loneliness hits, entering a silent house with no dogs running out to greet me, and no one to welcome me home from my adventures. Just silence and a pile of things to get done. I miss the noise and flurry of hugs and wet dog kisses. I miss my man waving to me from his workshop where I would stop and we would chat about where I had gone and who I had seen, and I got to talk to him about his latest sculpture and watch life take shape under his hands.   God I miss watching those strong, talented hands work and create. I could just watch him for hours. I think that is why I liked spending time in our boat, sitting there facing him I got to watch him for hours while we fished. I never felt alone, even in the silence. Where there was once art being created, dogs playing, conversations and love there was now just silence and memories.

I guess the silence makes me uncomfortable. Us humans don’t like being uncomfortable do we? I feel the need to fill the silence with something much in the same way we try to fill the emptiness with in us. It is the same thing isn’t it?  Space the final frontier!  In that space and silence there is nothing but me drifting along as I learn how to navigate this new world that I have been thrust into. I have to get comfortable with the space in my life and the silence it contains. Donna is hiding in there somewhere and I get a better sense of her every day. So for today I will sit in that space and explore the vast uncomfortableness of it. I won’t seek out someone or something to fill it. I will just be.

Peace and love to all

Donna

Serenity’s Path

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

When you pull into my driveway there is a locked gate. Just past that gate on the left there was a rather large hand carved wooden sign that hung between two tall spiked medieval looking metal posts. The sign read Serenity’s Path. One day as I was leaving for work the sign had, after many years, rotted and crumbled to the ground. Me being me, I thought, I hope that is not a sign. I now think it was. The crumbled serenity sign reminded me that all things must end and nothing in this life is permanent. The signs are everywhere so look for them!

I lived behind a locked gate in a land called Serenity’s Path. I was happy there, or was I? When I would drive home after work I had to stop to open and close the gate and always stood for a moment to hang all the things from the day that I wanted to let go of on one of the posts. I would then thank the winds for carrying them far away and continue on to the house where my man, conversation and a cup of coffee were waiting. It was my life and while I loved it there was also this feeling of restlessness deep inside me that I didn’t quite understand. I had a wonderful husband, a business, a job and friends I adored so this restlessness confused me.

I asked Howard one afternoon, as we sat on the deck drinking coffee in the warm sun, if he would be willing to sell everything we owned, get in the truck with our travel trailer behind us and go on a great adventure. As per usual he raised his eyebrows, he did that a lot for some of my ideas, and said “Why would I want to do that, I love it here, There is so much I want to do here.” He had plans, so many plans. Now he’s gone, a half finished sculpture still sits on his work bench, and I am sitting here, drinking coffee in my yellow mug, with the same yearning for something more.

I want more than to spend eight hours of my day in a job that I have no interest in and a business that takes up an extreme amount of my free time. What am I doing this for? I am not a materialistic person so it wasn’t to get bigger and fancier things. Society places a lot of emphasis on and tries to convince you that your self worth is tied to being productive and having a career and all the right stuff. We live in a sad sad world that places too much importance on things that really don’t mean anything In the long run. It is all an illusion. Talk to anyone on their deathbed and you will not hear them say I wish I had worked more or had more material things. They say things like, I wish I had spent more time with my family and friends. They wish they had slowed down enough to enjoy the life they had. Don’t be that person! Enjoy what is right in front of you, this precious moment, because it will not last. Nothing is permanent, not the wonderful times and certainly not the bad ones.

There is an upside to all this! With the acceptance of no one thing being permanent comes freedom. I know my grief will not last, I know that bad days only last one day, people come and go and I don’t have to get used to any one way of being unless I choose to. While my driveway is straight, the path to serenity is not. The path has twists and turns, viewing areas and it sometimes doubles back to show you something you missed the first time. Whatever you are going through today, remember, it is only temporary. Learn from it, savour it because soon it will all just be a memory. Also remember it is your choice to view the world in the way you do. You can always change your mind and your viewpoint.

Live like you mean it
Peace and love to you all
Donna