Tag: shit

Renaming Grief and Other Shit

Published on by Donna Gray4 Comments

After a mostly sleepless night, I have a throbbing headache but have maxed out my painkiller quota for the next four hours.  Having sciatica issues makes it difficult to sleep.  I cannot get comfortable and my legs, (sometimes one, sometimes both) burn, tingle and ache.  Yoga and stretching are not helping and I have decided to seek some medical help and get them to look into what is going on with my lower back.   I am a light sleeper and one of the problems I had last night was hearing this strange scratching noise outside.  I lay awake in bed listening, trying to figure out what it was and then heard what sounded like a bear giving a frustrated long grunt, the dogs started barking and I flew out of bed. The dogs live outside and I don’t want them tangling with a frustrated bear.  Shawn and I are outside with flashlights having a look around, the dogs quieted down and we were left cold and wide awake. There is a beautiful creek right beside our property and the salmon are spawning so it is like a bear picnic at the edge of the yard.  Shawn thinks it was a raccoon, but he did not hear the noise the animal made.  I decided that he can think whatever he likes, but I heard a bear.

Okay, 2:45 am and I am wide awake.  We watch a little TV and head back to bed but the pain in my back and legs won’t let me get back to sleep.  So it is now 5am and I am still awake and in pain.  So I try meditating, becoming one with the pain, breathing into it, just breathing and finally drifted off to sleep for a few hours.  I don’t think people who have never dealt with chronic pain have any idea how debilitating and tiring it can be.  I look fine, you would not know that I have been in constant pain or discomfort for 3 weeks if you looked at me.  This happened to me about seven years ago and lasted for over a year.  Chiropractor visits, massage, acupuncture, yoga, and meditation were all part of my healing.  It got to the point where I could not put on my own pants, socks or shoes and was unable to lift my leg high enough to get in the tub.   I also could not drive because I could not move my foot quickly enough from the gas to the brake pedal and almost ended up in the ditch at the end of my driveway.  This was a year from hell.

However, it as nothing compared to the emotional, mental and spiritual pain I suffered when Howard was diagnosed with cancer and passed away a few months later.  While physical pain is a “damn pain” it has a different quality than grief and emotional pain.  It is not just the loss of someone you love, but also your hopes and dreams, and in my case my business, job and home as well.  Yes, it was my choice to close my business and to stop working.  I could have made other arrangements to take care of those things.  But, I did not have it in me to still manage those things behind the scenes while Howard and I navigated cancer world.  One thing that a lot of people do not realize is that the moment you or your loved one are diagnosed with a terminal or life-threatening illness is that the grieving can start immediately.  Life as you knew it has ended and you are thrust into a world full doctors, appts, chemo treatments, medications, and the never-ending supply of people who are only too happy to tell you what they think you should do, or criticize what you are doing.  Just navigating the medical system and being pushed to have this treatment or that treatment without being given enough information to make an informed decision had me wanting to pull my hair out and scream. The man I loved was dying and it seemed that some people, even those in the medical profession did not care, it was just another day at work for them.  He was just another cancer patient.  They did not know his story, or our combined story.  They did not know he had the biggest heart of anyone I knew and spent most of his life doing things for others or that he had finally started doing something he loved and was creating the most beautiful sculptures out of recycled metal. They did not know that I was terrified.  They did not know us and did not have the time or the desire in some cases to get to know us.  They did not know.

I made it my mission to let them know.  I talked to people, I annoyed some people, I got pushy with some people and I even told some people off.  They said I was angry.  Your damn right I was angry.  I was angry, terrified,  heartbroken, and I was watching this big strong man who was my rock waste away and there was nothing I could do to stop any of it.  One of the most annoying questions I was asked when people found out Howard had cancer was,” Oh, what type of cancer is it?”  What the hell does that matter?  I would tell them lung cancer and immediately their next question was “did he smoke”?  So if he smoked then he deserved to have this cancer, he brought it on himself.  If that was the case, then all assholes should get colon cancer, and heartless greedy people should have cancer of the heart, well they do have a type of cancer already, it is cancer of the soul.  Don’t be one of those people!  So my guy is fighting for his life and some people don’t ask if there is anything they can do, they just want to know what type of cancer he has so they can go to sleep at night knowing it will not happen to them because they don’t smoke.  Yup, I was a little angry.  But that is also one of the stages of grief, so are denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.  The experts in the field of grieving and loss bandy these stages around and some think it can all be summed up just like that.  The bad news is it is much more complex, sometimes you are in one stage, sometimes the stages overlap and other times (at least for me) there seemed to be whole new stages that had no label.

What are these new stages you ask? When the shit hits the fan make them laugh,  they will never know how torn up inside you are.  If you have read any of my earlier posts you may have the idea that I have a sense of humor and you would be right.  My sense of humor along with dear friends and family helped me get through one of the toughest periods of my life.  If you have a sense of humour use it, if you don’t then cultivate one and watch comedies that make you laugh or do whatever you need to do to laugh.  Laughter heals, even hysterical grieving laughter heals.  My sense of humour is a little warped sometimes and it is one of the ways I deal with life,  my inner comedian comes out. It is one of my strategies for coping with life.  It came out at my mother’s funeral, it came out at my father’s deathbed and it came out when the six of us ( Howard’s parents Pat and Bob, Me and 3 dear friends) were sitting in the living room with Howard waiting for the funeral home to come take his body away.  I sat on the bed beside him and did the only thing I was capable of doing at the time.  I told funny stories about our life together and we all cried and laughed together.  I was exhausted, I was heartbroken, I was relieved it was over, I was terrified and consumed with guilt for feeling relieved that it was over.  I made everyone leave around 4:30 am and collapsed on my bed.  I did not remember anything for six hours.

Did I mention, that I did not get much sleep last night?  Well, now I am really tired and having trouble getting my thoughts out through my fingers so I will end this here.  If you want to know more and haven’t already clicked on something more entertaining, then I will  let you know what I called the other stages in the next few days.  I think they should all be renamed.  All that is going through my head at the moment is the seven dwarves but that would be way too Disney for me. I think the stages of grief need some new labels that have a little edge and a little humor in them.  I definitely think one needs to be called, How dare you die and leave me here all alone to deal with this shit!  Can’t believe I just typed that but it is true.  Don’t judge too harshly.  Hi ho, Hi ho, it’s off to the pub I go.

Love you all

Donna

PS  That is one of Howard’s sculptures in the picture and one of my favorites!

Love and Shit

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Yesterday was the first day of summer and I am back home on Vancouver Island. The sun was shining and my guy picked me up at the airport on Sunday with a huge smile on his face and big hug that lifted me off my feet. No one has ever picked me up at the airport with so much joy and it made me melt a little, it made me feel loved. Today, Tuesday, finds me awake at 4:30am suffering from a bit of jet lag as my internal clock tries to sort out the time change. So, I sit here on a comfortable sofa wrapped in a purple blanket waiting for the coffee to perk in the French press and feeling the need to write. You would think that someone who writes so much would have a way with words when talking to people, this is not the case for me. I stumble as I try to speak from my heart and I can be as awkward as a newborn colt when it comes to expressing my feelings. I worry about things and I worry a lot. Sarcasm and joking around are easy for me, serious discussions not so much. I don’t like being vulnerable.
One of the reasons I don’t like letting people know how important they or something else is to me stems from how people have used those things against me in the past. I have also come to the conclusion that I cannot let the past, regardless of how it turned out, write my future. You cannot approach life or people the same way time and time again expecting different results. I realize that everything I say on this blog has been said by countless others. The truth of these statements, as old and worn as they are, has withstood the test of time and then sometimes regardless of the truth of things, the heart of things, shit happens. Shit you were not expecting. I also want to point out that shit helps things grow. So it doesn’t matter whether your glass is half full or half empty the truth is, it is still half a glass. Your viewpoint of the truth is the important thing.

I know that I can ramble on sometimes, but this is the way my mind works. One thought leads to another and the point comes out at the end, if there is a point. I don’t know what the point of this blog is. I know it has helped me tremendously in dealing with my grief and growth. I hope it has made a small difference for someone else even if it is only that they realize that someone has had the same thoughts or fears and they don’t feel so alone in this vast world of disconnectedness. We have vast amount of information at our fingertips but we are all lost in that sea of data looking at a small screen and not noticing the people or events taking place right in front of us. We excel at being disconnected when the only important thing is our connections with others. But, in order to connect you have to open up, let people in and work through the difficulties together.

When I started this relationship with the wonderful man who picked me up at the airport, I wanted someone to do things with. I was essentially looking for a friend with benefits. I did not think any further than that. I have written blog posts about what I want in a relationship and this man is quite aware of my aversion to marriage or living with someone and all the other things that I have written about. He has read my blog and he has listened to me when we have a conversation. He and I are similar in some respects. We both have a weakness for antiques and rusty old cars, sushi, reading, music, coffee chocolate etc etc. We are also very different in the way we view the world and move through it and there is nothing wrong with that. We have much to learn from each other and are inadvertently helping each other refine our perspective and grow. What I was not expecting was this relationship becoming so much more than I had originally intended. I am not going to throw the love word out there simply because I think it is misused and misunderstood. That word holds great meaning for me and I do not use it lightly. Anyone can say the word, few actually mean it in its purest sense.  This man has helped me fall in love with life again and I cannot imagine my world without him in it. I am grateful that he is part of my life and hope he feels the same way.

One of the professors in an English lit class ,yes this was years ago but I have never forgotten it, asked us who had the most to lose in a relationship. I could not come up with an answer. His answer was the person who loves the most. I disagreed with that then and I still disagree with it now. How can you love too much unless the meaning of the word is twisted and warped in your heart. To me the word love is about acceptance, truth, it has a softness and warmth to it. Just looked the word up on line and in my opinion none of the definitions come close to explaining love. Some describe it as a feeling of deep affection, a strong attraction to another person that may include a sexual attraction. I think they, in their definition, have only scratched the surface and in trying to define it have reduced it and taken something away. For me love is never grasping or confining it is about letting go. Letting go of your expectations, letting go of the need to be right and letting go of the person if that is what is needed. When you let go love has some room to enter your heart. When you let go there is space for another person in your heart. So let go, open your heart and watch the magic happen.
Hope you all have a wonder filled day

Plant some flowers for the bees, they need our help and 

our very lives depend on them

Donna

No Strings

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

I am sitting once again in my slightly soiled chair with a coffee beside me in my sunny yellow mug. It is five thirty in the morning and the birds are singing the sun up with cheerful little songs. It has all the makings of a wonderful day even though I have only had about four hours sleep. I had trouble settling down last night. There were a few things weighing on my mind and my heart. I have started making plans and dreaming and low and behold the universe throws a few curve balls at me just to see if I am paying attention and waits to see how I will handle it.

Have you ever had one of those moments where certain events in your life become clear in their meaning. I had one of those moments last night and I have to admit that it scared me a little. Actually my response was “well shit.” It reminded me that certain things are beyond my control. I can say I want this, I don’t want that till the cows come home and the universe in its wisdom will give me what I need. I never expected to fall in love with my life again, I never expected to feel or experience so much joy and peace again. Some of the best moments of my life have happened when I was not expecting it.

So I had a moment of clarity and it scared me. I am not sure scared is the right word. Perhaps it is more being unsure with a tiny bit of fear thrown in. I don’t know where this path will lead but I trust in the universe to guide me along and in the meantime will set the fear aside. No one knows what tomorrow will bring but I have had a few visions of the future and they do not coincide with what I thought I wanted. Perhaps there is a lesson in that. Do not be so tied to what you want and don’t want that you miss the wonderful people and opportunities right in front of you. Be flexible with your how your mind and heart respond to the events and people in your life. Be teachable.

I have ideas about how I would like things to be and have expressed a large number of those ideas on this blog. One thing that I do know for certain is that as long as I let my heart rule over my mind life is as it should be. The minute I start over thinking things and second guessing every decision, fears settles in and my mind gains control. Fear versus love the eternal struggle for control. So the universe is putting people and situations in my path to see if I can actually live what I say. Anyone can say anything, but can they back it up with action. The universe is saying enough talk Donna lets see some action.

So, I have said numerous times that it is all about living with your heart wide open. But what does that really mean to me? It is about others not about me. For one of the first times in my life, I have led a very self-centered life up to this point, the happiness of others comes before my own. I want the people around me to know what it means to be loved for just being them, no strings attached. I want to bring peace and joy with me everywhere I go and spread that around. I want the people in my life to know that they are appreciated and that I truly see them for who they are and that they are more than enough. I thought I knew what love was. The universe has shown me lately that I have only danced around the edges of it in the past. Well shit!

Have a bliss filled day
Hug people
Donna

Freedom

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

Well, the move is complete and I hand over the keys to the new owners of my home today!  It is a bittersweet moment.  I knew who I was in Sooke and am not sure who I am in Langford, if that makes any sense.  I guess I felt that I belonged in Sooke and don’t feel that way in the new place yet.  I will give it some time, but know this is only temporary.  Let’s see where the universe sends me next!

Now the unpacking and further sorting and sifting through the material parts of my life begin.  My goal is to get rid of all the things that are not necessary or bring me joy.  Cannot part with my car Lola though and I am so happy she has a warm and safe place to wait for me.  It is going to be so much fun driving her this summer!

Wow, the last year has been quite a roller coaster ride.  Lots of highs and many low spots to navigate through.  My life has been completely changed because of Howard’s life and death, mainly his life though.  It has also been changed by the new people who have entered and become so important to me.  I am blessed to know and care for each of them.  It can be hard sometimes when life turns shitty to find the positive aspects of it.  I am one of the lucky people who can experience and see both sides of every situation.  Even during the darkest moments there was light visible.

I had better get this day started and over with.  There is a freedom that comes with not being tied to a property and animals.  A freedom I have not had in a very long time and I’m not quite sure how to respond to it.  There are so many options open to me that it is hard to pick one.  For now I will just keep sorting and sifting and see what direction the universe sends me in.  I do know one thing, it will include many wonderful new people and I am looking forward to meeting them and getting to know them.  I also get to build on the relationships that have already formed for me and that is exciting too.  Even freedom has a price.

Peace and love to you all
Donna

Odd Shit and Potatoes

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

Well once again it is just after five thirty in the morning and I am sitting in a mostly empty house waiting for the coffee to brew. In a few more days this house will be occupied by a young family. I wonder how the house will feel, it has never had children living in it before. The energy of this house is very calm and peaceful so it will be interesting to know how the family and the house react to each other. I know it sounds a little odd for me to write about the house like it has a personality and feelings but I think about these things. Perhaps it is the energy of the people that permeate the building, like the house is a container for their spiritual energy. I may never know.

Speaking of odd, some people would describe me and my lifestyle as odd and that is the way I like it. I am open to all the possibilities and if that makes me a little odd so be it. One really strange and funny thing happened this week. I was talking on the phone to a friend who also happens to be a medium and she started laughing. When she starts to laugh it always makes me nervous and curious at the same time. She had Alfred Hitchcock show up on the ceiling of her little sitting room. I started laughing as well, really Alfred Hitchcock. So, I asked what does Alfred have to say?
Well his message was for me to keep writing but in a more creative form. He told me to make up stories. Who am I to argue with Alfred Hitchcock? So once I am in my new place and life has settled down I will start writing in a more creative form, which has always been my passion, reading and writing fiction. No idea what I will write about at this point but you can bet it will have a spiritual theme and some odd characters.

The universe has a funny way of leading me to things. I also notice this happening in the lives of the people around me. We are lead where we need to go, even if at the time the method of getting us there does not appear to be beneficial at first. You lose your job unexpectedly then out of nowhere the perfect job for you appears. This has happened to me a few times! I was lead to this new place I will be living and there were lots of applicants for the suite, but I knew that it would be mine. People show up out of the blue just when I need them. I always get what I need though most times that is rarely what I want or perhaps it would be better to say what I think I want. The universe is much wiser than I am.

Some would say that our thoughts create our reality and for the most part I would agree with them. However, sometimes shit just happens. Sometimes big shit or unfair shit just happens to you or to those around you. I don’t think our thoughts manifested that situation but I do think that our thoughts determine how we respond to the shit! Keep expecting negative things to happen and negative things will happen, expect the positive and you get positive. I am always surprised that the universe thinks I deserve all the wonderful things that it brings me. I am no more special than the next person, but am constantly amazed at the things that happen to me and around me. Not all of them have been pleasant but each one has been a learning experience. Some lessons are easier to learn than others of course!

Well it is now three hours later and a wonderful friend just left driving my 51 Caddy called Lola. It was hard to see her leave the garage with someone else behind the wheel but I know she will be treated with care and is being stored in a safe place. I love that car with her curvy behind and all the little things that come with owning an old piece of rolling art. I especially love the colour, which was a happy accident. Someday I will tell you the story of the creation of Lola and all the laughter, happy coincidences that happened and how she got her name. Today is not the day for that. I had tears in my eyes as she went down the driveway with me standing in an empty garage. Here I am once again saying goodbye, alone with tears in my eyes. This portion of my life has almost come to an end, no more standing here by myself watching people and things leave my life. Just got the phone call, Lola and driver have arrived safely, woohoo!

Friends are arriving this morning to help me move the last few things from the house. Don’t know if I will sleep here again. Maybe one more time to say goodbye.
Life is funny and messy and beautiful and tragic and miraculous and difficult, it is all good, all the ups and downs are good. So my final words today are, if a man asks you to hold his potatoes walk away, even if they are warm!

Peace and love to all of you
Donna

Toothpaste and Soul Mates

Published on by Donna Gray1 Comment

Do you believe in soul mates? I don’t, even though at some point in my life I did for a brief moment. It was during my Disney view of the world and then I grew up and stopped clinging to fairy tales. I like the idea of soul mates but i think we have a very distorted view of what that actually is. I suppose we have very unrealistic views as to what a relationship should be or not be as well. I also do not believe that we are destined to spend the rest of our life with one person. If that works for you, great! It does not work for everyone. What is the definition of soul mate? Soul mate sounds perfect doesn’t it? Nothing is perfect. If you asked ten different people to define it you would most likely get ten different answers. So the chances of two people getting together that would both define soul mate and what the ultimate relationship is would be slim. It can happen sure, but I don’t think it happens very often.

People talk to each other all the time but are they truly listening to what the other person is saying? People hear what they want to hear. The words come out of someone’s mouth and then you interpret them through your filtered view of life. Something strange happens to the meaning of the words between their mouth and your ears. What they said and what you heard can be two different things. Someone says I love you and your definition of what love is or is not, is how you hear it. To me love is an unconditional state of being that allows the other person to just be themselves, there is no judgement, no expectations, just a celebration of differences and similarities. So when someone says they love me that is what I hear, that is not often what they mean. This stuff is complicated and God knows us humans are good at complicating even the simplest of things.

My marriage lasted thirteen years, then I had two brief and spectacularly disastrous relationships in which I learned a lot and I mean a lot, then my last relationship lasted twelve years. My view on relationships has changed greatly over the years. I have learned a great amount about myself and others. Does this make me better prepared for the next relationship? Perhaps it does, but I had better make damn sure that I understand what the other person is saying when they say it. For me, the typical marriage contract is a fear based arrangement. As if that contract will insure you both adhere to the rules and it will be a success. I would rather just make a commitment formal or informal by jumping over a puddle together. Marriages are failing at record rates according to statistics, especially in the over fifty age group. Why is that? In my world view, marriage is fear based and I don’t want a relationship based on fear or conformity to an ideal. I want a relationship that is based on relatedness and a genuine love for the other person. If I get that in return wonderful, if I don’t get that there is no point. Two people should celebrate each other and their unique characteristics and funny little quirks. Relationships should be fun! They should not require so much work that you are exhausted trying to maintain them. I realize that all relationships require some work but that should be done by both people, if one person is doing all the relationship work that sucks.

My role in a relationship is this, to love unconditionally and remind the other person that they are already whole and they are more than enough just the way they are and offer them the space they need to grow at their own pace. If they are not meeting my expectations than I had better have a look at myself and what those expectations are. The answers are inside me and so are the problems. The other person just being them self is not a problem. I always go back to the tube of toothpaste, one because it is extremely funny to me and everyone can relate to a tube of toothpaste. So the significant person in your life squeezes the tube from the bottom, leaves the cap off, or never puts the toothpaste away when they are finished. One or all of theses things drives you crazy! Who has the problem you or the toothpaste challenged person? The problem is yours. Now that the problem is yours you have choices. You can stress over it and admit that this little thing is so important to you that you will nag and criticize the person you supposedly love. Or, you can smile because this is one of the little quirks the other person has, put the cap back on, shove it in the drawer and go on your merry little way still loving them. What sounds better to you?

We make mountains out of ant hills over silly shit all the time. Relax, let go, breathe, let the other person relax, let go and breathe. Allow them to feel loved just the way they are. Don’t put up with bull shit, in fact never put up with bull shit, but let them be them. Sit back and just watch them move through the world and appreciate the beauty of who they are. If they are not willing to do the same for you then you need to look at that a little more closely and decide if you can live with that. We enter into relationships hoping the other person will satisfy our needs and that is unfair. Everyone has needs, but you alone are responsible for yours being met. Have fun brushing your teeth, you may never look at a tube of toothpaste the same again!

hug people and trees and dogs

love to you all

Donna

Buying Into Bullshit

Published on by Donna Gray3 Comments

I cannot believe that I am writing this! Remember that this is after all only my opinion and in no way am I trying to tell you not to believe what you believe, or am I asking you to agree with me.Having said that, let’s do this. I am so tired of bullshit! I had a chat with two friends of mine yesterday. You know, the real friends that allow you to just say whatever you want and need to get of your chest, without getting upset about it or taking it personally. Anyway, we discussed many different things and they asked me one question (a lot of people have asked me this in the last six months) “Are you going to open your business again?” In my head and heart I heard HELL NO! Up until that moment, whenever I was asked this, I would say I am not sure. Something didn’t feel quite right until yesterday when the hell no came screaming out of me. My business was a retail store that sold yoga, meditation and metaphysical products to the not so general public. I just fell into the business with a forceful nudge from the universe. I cannot open that business again because that would mean I am not living an authentic life and at this point I have trouble being anything but authentic. You do not need the shit I was selling! What most of you wanted was someone to talk to and I provided that for free, no purchase required. What I got out of the business was you, I needed you to interact with me and at that point in my life the only method I had to meet you, was to sell you stuff.

Please note that this is not an attack on a specific industry but the retail industry as a whole and certain segments are singled out only as an example for making a point. You want to practice yoga get on the floor or the grass and do it! You do not need a mat, special clothing or any of the other stuff that you are being sold. It has been done for centuries without any of that. People want to sell you stuff and in order to do it they need you to believe that you cannot possibly do it “right” without their stuff. Meditation, same thing, just sit in a comfortable position and get it started. Mind you, I do love my meditation bench and it allows me to sit for long periods. (In my case 1/2 an hour is long) and be comfortable. You want healing and look for things that are going to make it faster and easier. These things you buy are tools people!   They are just tools to get you out of the small minded world you have trapped yourself inside of so you don’t feel the pain. They can help sure but no one thing or one person can heal you. You heal you! You get honest with yourself and do the work because if you don’t no one person and no thing can save your ass. If every time you need to make a decision you consult someone or something you are not acknowledging your own feelings. You want someone else to tell you what to do and then if it doesn’t work it is their fault. Take responsibility for you and find, search, and seek out the help you need but don’t expect to not have to do the work.

Sorry, I went on a bit of a rant there. I feel very strongly about it and cannot sell you things at this time. What I want to sell you on is your own ability to help yourself. Sure we need help sometimes and that is true for all of us, accept help, seek the help, be the help for others. I am not saying don’t buy the tarot cards or consult a psychic, or use crystals or have a reiki treatment or seek professional medical help in any capacity. These are all wonderful tools on the path to healing. I use Reiki, tarot cards, crystals, essential oils, and medical professionals on my own healing journey. I do not depend on them to make decisions or to solve my problems. What I am saying is do not expect them to fix you. I am asking what you would do if none of that existed or all just went away. What the fuck would you do? Well some people would have you believe that if you would only have nothing but positive thoughts it will be all rainbows and puppy dog kisses. I say bullshit! You want to get rid of your pain then you need to get down and dirty with it. Roll around on the floor naked and make sweet love to that pain!   Feel it, don’t try to push it away or cover it up with flowery words because sometimes your fucking life will depend on your ability to dance with the pain. I have survived some seriously nasty shit over the course of my life, am thriving even and for the most part am a warm and happy person. Most of my friends, notice I said most, would agree with that statement. Some would call me something much less flattering, they also have no idea what I have been through in my life because I don’t share all the details with everyone. I have danced with the pain in the many shapes and forms it came in. I have been there. I hope you do not have to stay with the pain as long as I did.

I don’t care how many positive and self affirming thoughts you have going on in that pretty little head of yours, it is masking the symptoms of a much larger problem. It cannot take away the pain until you face the pain and there is always help available. Please get help if you need it and please don’t feel as though you are all alone. That is the big secret, everyone feels alone with their pain and afraid they will be judged, ignored, rejected etc. etc. if they reach out to someone. If the first person you reach out to is a complete idiot reach out to someone else and then someone else until you find the right person. You are fucking worth it and your life matters no matter what you have been through. You are not alone. Think about it, with over seven billion people on the planet I am sure there is someone who will understand what is eating you up inside.

Positive thinking has its place for sure! What works for me is sending the positive thoughts out to others, by helping them I help myself. I am not focused on my narrow little world, I am getting out of my own dark and sometimes self defeating mind and giving to others. What you put out into the world comes back to you, they say. I’m still not sure who the hell “they” are but I could kick their ass right now. Manifest the life you want “they say”. So, what you put out comes back. Putting out I want this, I need that, this is what I want my life to look like, blah blah blah is grasping. You grasp anything in your fist long enough and you will choke it. Grasping, greed, me, me, me. Just think you get back what you send out!!! Send out love and compassion for others and you get love and compassion back from others. Send out all the bullshit you have bought into and you get back more bullshit. Is it starting to make sense?

Please stop buying the shit they are selling that tells you that you are not enough, this pill will fix all your problems, that car will earn you respect, this newer and bigger house will improve your messed up family life. The healing starts internally with you and a decision to do the work you need to do to start the healing process. Seek the help that you need in whatever form that takes for you. But, I beg you not to hand them the power you were born with to know and heal yourself by purchasing the shit they are selling. You do not need to purchase anything to be a happy healthy person in all of your brilliant glory, what you need is other people, that human connection. You need love and you cannot buy that.

Be the love, be the change
Love you all
Donna

Serenity’s Path

Published on by Donna Gray2 Comments

When you pull into my driveway there is a locked gate. Just past that gate on the left there was a rather large hand carved wooden sign that hung between two tall spiked medieval looking metal posts. The sign read Serenity’s Path. One day as I was leaving for work the sign had, after many years, rotted and crumbled to the ground. Me being me, I thought, I hope that is not a sign. I now think it was. The crumbled serenity sign reminded me that all things must end and nothing in this life is permanent. The signs are everywhere so look for them!

I lived behind a locked gate in a land called Serenity’s Path. I was happy there, or was I? When I would drive home after work I had to stop to open and close the gate and always stood for a moment to hang all the things from the day that I wanted to let go of on one of the posts. I would then thank the winds for carrying them far away and continue on to the house where my man, conversation and a cup of coffee were waiting. It was my life and while I loved it there was also this feeling of restlessness deep inside me that I didn’t quite understand. I had a wonderful husband, a business, a job and friends I adored so this restlessness confused me.

I asked Howard one afternoon, as we sat on the deck drinking coffee in the warm sun, if he would be willing to sell everything we owned, get in the truck with our travel trailer behind us and go on a great adventure. As per usual he raised his eyebrows, he did that a lot for some of my ideas, and said “Why would I want to do that, I love it here, There is so much I want to do here.” He had plans, so many plans. Now he’s gone, a half finished sculpture still sits on his work bench, and I am sitting here, drinking coffee in my yellow mug, with the same yearning for something more.

I want more than to spend eight hours of my day in a job that I have no interest in and a business that takes up an extreme amount of my free time. What am I doing this for? I am not a materialistic person so it wasn’t to get bigger and fancier things. Society places a lot of emphasis on and tries to convince you that your self worth is tied to being productive and having a career and all the right stuff. We live in a sad sad world that places too much importance on things that really don’t mean anything In the long run. It is all an illusion. Talk to anyone on their deathbed and you will not hear them say I wish I had worked more or had more material things. They say things like, I wish I had spent more time with my family and friends. They wish they had slowed down enough to enjoy the life they had. Don’t be that person! Enjoy what is right in front of you, this precious moment, because it will not last. Nothing is permanent, not the wonderful times and certainly not the bad ones.

There is an upside to all this! With the acceptance of no one thing being permanent comes freedom. I know my grief will not last, I know that bad days only last one day, people come and go and I don’t have to get used to any one way of being unless I choose to. While my driveway is straight, the path to serenity is not. The path has twists and turns, viewing areas and it sometimes doubles back to show you something you missed the first time. Whatever you are going through today, remember, it is only temporary. Learn from it, savour it because soon it will all just be a memory. Also remember it is your choice to view the world in the way you do. You can always change your mind and your viewpoint.

Live like you mean it
Peace and love to you all
Donna

On the 8th day she rested.

Published on by Donna Gray3 Comments

 

Well it has been an interesting week! I had some type of awakening sitting in my chair waiting for the coffee to brew one morning and the next day I started writing a blog and sharing some very personal things with the online world. I know, what the hell was I thinking? You must know that I have not written anything longer than a poem ( in the last 14 years) before I had this great idea to start a blog. I have attempted to journal in the past but putting my thoughts on paper just did not appeal to me. When I need to express my thoughts and feelings,  I usually talk to a friend. There is something about sharing that helps me in ways journaling never has. Journaling is like talking to myself and I find that I do not get the release or relief that I need from it. I think the world needs people to share their stories more. We all have a story. I am not talking about fictional stories, I want to know what makes you, well you. My blog is a symbolic way for me to talk to the universe! I want and need to connect with other people and sometimes think those connections are the only thing keeping me remotely sane. My friends would say it’s not working cause I am still walking on the crazy side of the street. Who the hell would want to be normal? Normal is for those people who are too afraid to live and show the world their freaky side. I am embracing the freak! Not only do I embrace my inner freak, I embrace yours!

In some ways I think a poem that I wrote is what started this adventure and helped me release some of the self imposed restraints that were choking me to death. Here is my poem. It has no title and I have no desire to give it one, who needs labels!

Embrace the dark and broken pieces of your soul
Your strength is born of the scars
and the fire that burns and shapes, burns and shapes.
Dance among the flames until nothing remains
but the warm grey ash of who you once were.
In your heart are the embers of the ones who danced before you
The oceans are filled and the earth is cleansed
with their tears of sorrow and joy.
Let go, release yourself to the wind and trust, just trust
Love and dreams are carried through the air
and the sun shines fresh light upon the earth
Dance new spirit, fast, strong and full of heat
on this path forged from the fires of us all.

Now, we could analyze that poem to death. I have analyzed many poems written by people with far greater talent than myself.  I want to know how the poem made you feel. Did you feel anything? I am on a mission to encourage people (myself included) to think more with their heart and less with their head. Poetry can help with that because it is all symbolic and well shit, lots of poetry does not make an ounce of sense to my mind. But poetry speaks to my heart, not my mind! My mind wants rules, likes to put things in little categories, line things up and make everything neat and tidy. My heart is more wild, messy, loves to dance with other people and loves for the sheer joy of it! My head is full of fears, insecurities, problems, and anxiety so why would I want to view life from there.

Three cheers for the people who have the courage to live from their heart! They have blazed a trail for the rest of us who are starting to wake up and what a beautiful trail it is. I am tired today so I think I am just going to laze around the house, read a book, eat some healthy food and drink tea. I think I am tired from the awakening I had last week. I think I gave birth to myself that day and that is hard work! So on the 8th day I am going to rest.

Peace and love to all
xoxoxo
Donna

Heart Guru

Published on by Donna GrayLeave a comment

It is 4 am and I am tired this morning. Not physically tired, mentally and emotionally exhausted. I’m tired of people telling me what I should do and how I should do it. I am tired of information that floods the media telling me how to be better, faster, stronger, nicer, more centered, more productive and on and on and on. I am obviously lacking the qualities that a happy and healthy 53 year old should possess, everyone is telling me so. There are articles and books galore on how to be successful, how to grieve, how to know when your in love, how to be a parent. No wonder the world is so fucked up! I have a brain and I know how to use it thank you very much. I also have a beautiful, huge heart and I use it on a regular basis too. I know how to be me! I’m sure that everyone on the planet has those two organs of delight and despair, you pick which one is described by which word for yourself, I am tired. Okay, I think my heart as well as the rest of my body gives me clues as to what is going on. Have you ever been in love? Yes? Well then I think you have a fairly good idea how that feels. You don’t need a book or a guru of any kind to tell you how it is supposed to feel. You are the guru of your own heart! Remember that, it’s important.

Let’s look at love. There are many forms and degrees of it and sure some people can make a right bloody mess of it but it is still love. For me, love is never controlling, smothering, or restricting. Love is a celebration, an expansion and an earth shaking event in some cases! It contains heat and passion,  at least it does for me. I love chocolate but that love is quite different from the love I feel for my friends, or is it?   I love dark chocolate because it is dark chocolate, I don’t need to change it, correct it, or enhance it. I enjoy the chocolate (I must really love it, I talk about it a lot) just because it is it! Same with my friends, I love them just the way they are and I do not feel the need to change one little thing about them. Well that is not true, I wish they would call me on the phone more and text me less. That is what I want and all my friends already know this about me. I tell them that and then let it go, what they do with the info is up to them. Do I get angry when they continue to text me? No, I send them a text that says can we talk on the phone instead? Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes it is no. Does this mean they don’t love me because they don’t do what I want? Did you catch that? I may want them to do something differently but it does not stop me from loving them to bits nor does it mean they don’t love me. I’m tiny and cute and weirdly funny, how could they resist me!

While I do believe that actions speak louder than words, sometimes you just need to hear the words. I tell my family and friends that I love them on a regular basis and I plan to do it more often. It makes them feel good! When someone enters my world, I make room for them in my heart and in my life. This is the expansive part of love. It is inclusive not exclusive. I wonder what would happen if we tried to love everybody, even those deemed unlovable. The rejects, the odd balls, the people who dance to the beat of their own drum, need to know they are loved and they deserve it too. Love is not something you get from someone else it is something you give! Ya can’t get what ya don’t give. Love is an inside job and then it expands outward and spreads to all those around you. Spread the love people, share it, hug as many people as you can, put yourself and your heart out there.

Books can be handy and so can gurus, simply because they may say or do something that shakes you up and gets you to look at the world or yourself in a different way. Expand the horizons of your mind even. They can present you with information that you did not have and a different knowledge base from which you can process life’s ups and downs and view the world. Just a reminder that the authors and gurus are humans, they just may have a bit of knowledge and insight that you don’t and a talent for writing or a phenominal editor perhaps. They still have to put their own pants on one leg at a time. Well, there is this one guy I know that can do both legs at once but all that took was some practice. Knowledge is powerful and the more knowledge you have the better. But don’t discount your inner knowledge. You were born with this innate sense of what is right (I try not to use the words right and wrong but like I told you, I am tired) for you and you have instincts, so use them. What is your gut telling you? What is your soul crying out for? What makes you dance with joy?

If you go about your life expecting to run into assholes everyday then you are going to run into assholes everyday. We notice what we turn our attention to. So look inward and bring your attention to what you see, think and feel. I know it can be tough at first! It was tough for me, but I am a rebellious little soul. Perhaps you are not rebellious and it will be as easy as pie for you. You may begin to notice some strange things happening, after a little while. It is going to be different for everyone but you will recognize the beauty, the dark and scary corners, your beliefs, your soul. Look at yourself, listen to yourself and observe yourself interacting with the world around you. You may find the heart guru that has been hiding in there all this time. Throw the books (I can’t believe I just said that about books) and other peoples opinions out and discover you. Have an intimate moment with yourself. Have a lot of intimate moments with yourself! When it comes to your life are you going to trust some guru or your own gut? No guts no glory takes on a whole new meaning now doesn’t it?

Be your own guru!

Love you all, Donna